lemondrop21 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Did your MM/MW set a date that they would leave their spouse by, and then push the date back? This didn't happen in my A but I'm curious about others' experiences. My understanding is that this is a somewhat common pattern especially with MM/single OW. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Did your MM/MW set a date that they would leave their spouse by, and then push the date back? This didn't happen in my A but I'm curious about others' experiences. My understanding is that this is a somewhat common pattern especially with MM/single OW. Not with this guy as I did not even get that far but 10 years ago I wasted 3 years with a MM who swore he was separated. He kept setting dates to file and the dates passed. He really seemed separated as we vacationed, he spent weekends with me, we went out in public, he even met my mom. But after 3 years I left. That was 10 years ago. By total accident I stumbled across his wife on FB - yes, same woman - and although he has no online profile anywhere, there he was, alive and well in her cover photo. I could see easily that they were never separated by her profile pics. I just count my blessings I got out and did not waste my life on this guy who lied to both of us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 No. Our timeline was a big deal to me. I would have walked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 He was never going to leave and I didn't want him to. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Mine didn't because we never discussed his marriage, good or bad, but I know that it is common for MM to push dates back repeatedly until the A ends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JessicaInGeorgia Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Mine didn't either. He mentioned several times about getting a divorce but set no actual date. I didn't push either way. I was just an outlet for him to vent and I was okay with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 No, MM didn't do this, didn't set any dates that he went back on. But honestly, I don't believe MM knows how to dismantle his marriage without her agreement and cooperation, which she will not give. He asked for a divorce and she said No, and so time just stood still, he made no progress, and I started to go on with my life. I think he is also too pained by the idea of dismantling his family, even though his children are grown and he does not like being with his wife. I don't feel sorry for him but I do recognize that breaking up a marriage is hard to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AngeliqueC Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I've heard one date after another after another for the past I don't know how long, but more and more of them over the last six years. It's to the point where I just don't want to hear another empty promise ever again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
daisygirl19 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 No. Once he decided to leave, he stuck to every timeline, and did everything he said he was going to do. It was not an easy process, or a short one, but he never once waivered. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Did your MM/MW set a date that they would leave their spouse by, and then push the date back? This didn't happen in my A but I'm curious about others' experiences. My understanding is that this is a somewhat common pattern especially with MM/single OW. No. Once we decided we wanted to be together, we both agreed a plan of action, and each set about doing our part. He was "ready" before me - he dumped the BW and found a place for us, and he and the kids moved in. When I was "ready", I joined them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 No, this didn't happen. He did leave once, for a week, but it was too complicated because BW could not bear it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 (edited) This is something I really don't understand. I hope you don't mind me joining in this conversation.... If a married person doesn't want to be married. If they love & bond with another person, how can they stand to be in the same home, bed, sofa for another day? These things seem to go on for years sometimes & that must be excruitiating for EVERYONE involved. As a BS can you imagine knowing that your H has been planning to leave for ages?? Dragging it out is cruel. Doesn't it really damage any future relationship with the new woman? You know? Knowing that he is capable of faking it for years? Ugh! It makes me assume that he's a bad MM who doesn't have genuine motivations for his behavior... I've said before that my only real experience growing-up was family that seemed to take about a week on average to pack & leave! If a M persons youngest child is taking their finals in a couple of months or if the BS's parent or sibling dies or some other unforeseen tragedy I understand waiting a little while. Anything else & I'd be worried that the women are just being used. Edited February 6, 2016 by ShatteredLady 8 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Yes. My MM said he would be moving out by end of October 2015. Then he said January 2016. He is still there. Excuse after excuse. Then he has the cheek to try keep me hanging by saying he still believes that we will end up together. He is a stuck record that will never play out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 My xMM did move out within the time frame he'd scheduled but because it became all about him by the time he did move I knew I couldn't be with someone who made it all about them and what was the right decision for them. His lack of empathy really showed through and a part of me believed that he got a kick out of keeping both his wife and I in limbo whilst he deliberated what was best for him. We're all alone now. I think his wife and I will be fine though. I feel sorry for OW who really struggle getting over xMM and still hold him on the pedestal. It's very easy to tell from the boards who will make a full recovery and who will left the affair define and damage them. Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 @ShatteredLady I struggle to understand why they stay if things are so bad, but I know first hand from one of my MM friend's that they do. He doesn't want to be alone and he doesn't want her to have custody of the kids. He has left on a few occasions and returns for these reasons. We are all tired of hearing of his marital woes! As an xOW I had little knowledge of his wife. He never ever bad mouthed her just said they led a comfortable life with no intimacy. Because I'd started therapy way back I was well ahead of him and in the last year of being with him there was no PA. A lot of affairs are about the individual - why you got into this mess in the first place. Once you work through this I found I started to see things through his wife's eyes. That is when my empathy for her kicked in. In the middle of an affair I was too preoccupied to think of her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 This is something I really don't understand. I hope you don't mind me joining in this conversation.... If a married person doesn't want to be married. If they love & bond with another person, how can they stand to be in the same home, bed, sofa for another day? These things seem to go on for years sometimes & that must be excruitiating for EVERYONE involved. As a BS can you imagine knowing that your H has been planning to leave for ages?? Dragging it out is cruel. Doesn't it really damage any future relationship with the new woman? You know? Knowing that he is capable of faking it for years? Ugh! Actually not. I knew they led very separate lives, no PDAs, no ILYs, only notes telling each other to pick up the kids or fix the tap. On the bolded, the answer is - with difficulty. At great emotional cost. Which is why, once he could leave, he was so much lighter, almost euphoric. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemondrop21 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 @ShatteredLady A lot of affairs are about the individual - why you got into this mess in the first place. Once you work through this I found I started to see things through his wife's eyes. That is when my empathy for her kicked in. In the middle of an affair I was too preoccupied to think of her. Yep, I am going through this now. There has been no D-Day but all I could think of this past weekend is how terrible both of us have been to BW in carrying on this affair. I will never get involved with another MM, don't care how bad they claim their marriage is or how close to divorce they claim to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 No, MM didn't do this, didn't set any dates that he went back on. But honestly, I don't believe MM knows how to dismantle his marriage without her agreement and cooperation, which she will not give. He asked for a divorce and she said No, and so time just stood still, he made no progress, and I started to go on with my life. I think he is also too pained by the idea of dismantling his family, even though his children are grown and he does not like being with his wife. I don't feel sorry for him but I do recognize that breaking up a marriage is hard to do. Well, this is definitely not true in my situation. My OW has turned into a stalker and these are some of the reasons for why that she has manufactured in her own mind. I don't know what your OM told you. But in my situation, I made it clear that I had no intention of leaving my wife. I was simply interested in a sexual affair. My wife no longer seemed interested in sex, yet I still was. Not an excuse, just a reason. I never even told the OW that my wife was no longer into sex. I never talked about my wife, at all. I still always loved my wife and never had any plan to leave her. My OW was/is married and she claimed the same thing. So I thought she was safe, but later she started imagining things about the relationship that were definitely NOT true, on any level. So, I don't really know what is going on in your OMs mind, but I think if he was really out of love with his wife, he would amicably divorce her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 and then push those dates back? i pushed mine, right out the front door. after i hit him. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 , but I think if he was really out of love with his wife, he would amicably divorce her. This^^^^^^^ is so very true. If you're out of love......value your happiness and have actually found someone else you DO love...you'd be out of the marriage. Especially when the kids are grown. Affairs are usually exciting for the cheater.......if the WS leaves the marriage......The excitement is over. It's just a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts