TrappedMan Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Greetings Forum I'll warn in advance that this will be a long one. I've been stuck in a dead marriage for over 11 years now, but my recent cancer diagnosis has made me want to break free in what time I have left. If only it were that easy right? Both are in our mid-30's, first marriage, both professionals, no debts and no children. We live in Bristol, England, I'm English and she's Chinese. We met when I was working in Shanghai and came to live here for a few years which turned into permanently by her decision. That's one big wound there. I always wanted to work abroad and she was up for the idea until we married. It feels like I'm sacrificing my own dreams to please her. I don't drink, I don't smoke, keep myself in good shape and always put the marriage first so you would think that would earn me some brownie points but nah. I'm not even able to sleep at night (in my separate room) without pissing her off somehow. Our sex life stopped on our wedding night. Prior to that it was fantastic, full of passion and romance but once our vows were said, she told me that she was traumatised from a previous boyfriend and didn't like being intimate with me as a result. It hurt a lot as it felt like our courtship had been an act but wanting to be a good husband, I was patient and promised her that we could work through the issue together at her own pace. Alas she refused to seek help and any time I touched her, she scowled her face, cried like a baby and make me feel like a monster. This, along with her pouts, sulks and tantrums just made me see her more like a child than a wife. I soon lost all sexual desire for her. Talking of children, she did want babies and finally accepted the idea that we would need to have sex after her original plan of artificial insemination proved too expensive. I had my doubts. By this stage I was already going to work, taking care of the house, looking after the pets and going to night school while she just watched television; but I too would have loved kids so somehow tolerated the cold, near medical, sex schedule. Ever known a man to need porn to get an erection in order to penetrate his wife? Been there and done that. Looking back, I'm glad we were never successful. But it wasn't just the lack of sex that hurt me. Prior to marriage she was my best friend. We joked, we laughed, we had discussions and dreams to share. Now we can go pass a whole day with only saying a handful of words to each other and that really hurts. She just doesn't feel the need to speak to me anymore. Time with her feels like time spent with a child who only gives yes/no answers. If I have to explain something she never listens (but is quick enough to tell me her male coworkers will know what to do) and it feels like I'm speaking to a brick wall. There is no us anymore, it always feels like she's out to prove me wrong or make more work for me just because she can. She's incredibly naive, can be hugely disrespectful and destructive in her behaviour, has a huge victim complex and feels no shame for insulting and hitting me over the years. Despite that, I don't think she's a bad person per say, just bad for me as I am for her. I'm guilty of putting her on a pedestal during our dating years and have no doubt failed a million **** tests. That said, since my diagnosis I've started to change. She's no longer top dog, I'm passing **** tests and she absolutely hates it. She tells me I'm bad, horrible and mean because I'm no longer jumping through hoops trying to please her. But I digress, divorce advice is what I need. I asked her once some years ago and she broke down in tears for two entire months. She said she loved me and begged me for another chance but wouldn't come to marriage counselling. I eventually went alone to which she thought the problem was fixed (just like magic) and now, I'm back to square one. The massive problem is that she has no one to support her. I'm her only 'friend' in the country and she'd be totally alone without me. She can't stay with parents, she doesn't have friends for support. I'm worried what would happen to her without me to pick up the pieces. Can anyone relate? TLDR: I have cancer, want a divorce but worried that my wife doesn't have a support network to help her through the difficult times. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You won't divorce until you get to the point where you stop worrying about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrappedMan Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 You won't divorce until you get to the point where you stop worrying about her. Yes I can agree with that. Though I'm finding it difficult to stop worrying about a person I've spent over a decade taking care of. Do you recommend any steps I can start taking? I've stopped involving myself in her activities or cleaning up after her but it's small fish for the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Yes I can agree with that. Though I'm finding it difficult to stop worrying about a person I've spent over a decade taking care of. Do you recommend any steps I can start taking? I've stopped involving myself in her activities or cleaning up after her but it's small fish for the moment. You're right, but you have to let it sort of dwindle to the level of how you care about, say, you're neighbor. That may take more time for you to get to. But, I hear you saying that you feel like you may not have a lot of time. This is true. This is the rest of your life, not the rest of her life. Make the best of it. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Wow, talk about wasting life! You don't even have kids! You have wasted a decade with this woman. You write your relationship changed overnight after marriage vows. You have been are a victim of bait-and-switch. I must say you are incredible fortunate in not having children. The stress of your marriage may have been a contributing factor to your cancer. You have tried to work through the issues in your marriage but your wife has refused to take any responsibility for them. I am truly baffled as to what your wife has to gain from this marriage. Does she already have a UK passport? If so, the only hypothesis that makes sense is that she really is too traumatized to have a normal relationship. But how did she pull off having a seemingly healthy relationship with you before marriage? I think it is time for you to work towards emotionally disengaging from your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 First, I find it hard to believe you're really the martyr you paint yourself to be. If so, then you married a diabolical monster in which case who the hell cares if she has support or not? Run! Something is amiss here... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 First, I find it hard to believe you're really the martyr you paint yourself to be. If so, then you married a diabolical monster in which case who the hell cares if she has support or not? Run! Something is amiss here... Great minds think alike . OP, if you've been scammed in the manner you've described, no sane individual would wait 11 years and then require a cancer diagnosis as motivation to split. Hard to believe. I'm worried what would happen to her without me to pick up the pieces. Uh, that's what divorce is... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) I see the tension in such a 1 sided 11 year story that others have referenced. I'll call the bluff and take it at face value. If what you say is true, you need to be in an attorney's office. Not on the internet. I'm not an attorney or even in your country. Where I am (which is based on British common law), you could file, tell her, separate, and move out within a week. From a separate space, you could support her financially as much as you choose (or choose not to). From an emotional perspective, if the story is as one sided as you tell, it's hard to understand why you have such concern for her emotional well being if she has none for yours. As other posters have remarked, after 11 years of this imbalance something doesn't add up. I'll chance it 50/50 that either you're hiding something from your side, or you're not telling us the full extent of her emotional abuse on you. Either of those could explain a huge imbalance. So, who can tell? If 11 years with this person has emotionally beaten you to a pulp, I can see a it reaching a point where you can only think of yourself on your death bed (so to speak). If it is as one sided as you describe, you need to be in an attorney's office, not on the internet. It's either as bad is you describe it, in which case you need to be in a law office fixing it. Or it's more complicated. I'll take it straight as you said it. Start scheduling appointments with lawyers ASAP. Don't worry about her. After you're divorced you can still give her as much money as you want and spend as much time with her as you want to..... .....but you're also free not to. Get the divorce ASAP, make it your choice. . Edited February 3, 2016 by testmeasure 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bigbaby Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 If it's anything like how it usually goes in the U.S., you'll probably split the assets right down the middle. Assuming you have some net worth, she will not leave the marriage penniless. Also, the judge might order you to pay alimony for a short time so she can brush up on her job skills. Or she might try to get some kind of disability check from the government if she qualifies with a mental disorder. Or, she might even have to go back to China if she lacks the papers to stay there, who knows. But you will be separating your life from hers so whatever happens after the transition period will no longer be your problem. Most likely, she'll just have to get off the couch and get a job like everybody else. I think you should get a consultation with a divorce attorney and they will be able to tell you more. There doesn't seem to be much for you in this marriage so I agree that it's a good idea to get out of it. A silver lining in the dark cloud, perhaps? Best wishes for your full recovery and happy freedom soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 The best thing you can do for her and yourself is to stop allowing her to abuse you. She's destroying herself and you in the process. She is damaging herself by not being self-sufficient and you are helping her hurt herself. Love is helping someone take care of themselves without you. That's why we have life skills training, life insurance, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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