AzW Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I am not feeling a 'connection', best way I can describe it at the moment. As an example, we went away for the weekend but to be honest I think I would have enjoined it just as much with one of my kids or friends. She is trying (IC, MC, Transparency, etc) but after being separated for 2 years I wonder when the connection will return? She says I love you to me but I am not even sure I can say that back, it feels like I would just be saying the words and not meaning them. Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Are the kids with the current wife? Are they still young? If these are kids that are from your marriage with her and they are still young and at home, that's a factor. If that is the case, I would exhaust all reasonable hope of fixing it before abandoning it. If the kids are yours from some other marriage or they're 25 or 30, and this whole thing is just you and her and you're just not feeling it, there's probably a lower threshold. In general people probably need more context about the kids and original reason for separation and how the separation went. Talk about the kids. Whose are they, how old are they? Talk about the separation. Why did it happen, explain in detail. Tell about during the separation. How did it go, what happened, what was the dynamic and interaction during he separation. Where were the kids in this? You've left a lot of blanks that if people fill them in one way they'll assume one thing, if they fill them in another, they'll assume something entirely different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AzW Posted February 1, 2016 Author Share Posted February 1, 2016 Our Kids are 18, 20 and 23 now. We separated because she did not want to be married any longer, she said she did not feel loved and she felt we took her for granted. There was little to no interaction between us during the separation. Our then, 16 yr old son lived with me. The other two were living on their own already. She lived with another guy for the last year, we were about a week away from the final decree when she decided she does not want this and wants to stay married. Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) Our Kids are 18, 20 and 23 now. We separated because she did not want to be married any longer, she said she did not feel loved and she felt we took her for granted. There was little to no interaction between us during the separation. Our then, 16 yr old son lived with me. The other two were living on their own already. She lived with another guy for the last year, we were about a week away from the final decree when she decided she does not want this and wants to stay married. This situation seems pretty clearly in your favor. Ok so now what? I may have this a bit confused and you may need to explain it to me. She lived a year with someone else, with complete disregard to children. Then she is reaching back out to you? The kids are 18. Get this done and out of the court system. (Or at this point do you even need to go to court? Everyone but her act like adults. LOL because everyone is adults. If she need to take you back to court for control of an 18 year old, let that be her problem? i.e. good luck.) How can she get anything? Is there a clause about 18 or graduation, whichever is later and her being able to apply for college assistance before that? I know it's a harsh thing to talk about money and what obligations you are NOT under the gun to provide when you super want the kids to succeed. But this is one of the last legal technical attachments I understand. You might have to make a child or two wait a year or two while you prove a point to the ex that the two of you are no longer connected in any way. But that's only even if there is stuff in your paper work about college after the age of 18. In my paperwork, she has to do something by a given deadline. I think before the kids is out of high school or turns 18 or something like that. If your parenting plan is through it's last clause, then at this point it's between you and her. If the parenting plan has run it's course, your kids are their own decisions makers. Neither you nor her are attached to them. Any interaction between you and her is just that... you and her. If you don't want it, don't do it. It gets pretty simple the parenting plan is 100% done. And, no, you wouldn't be doing the adult kids a favor by getting into an inappropriate, unhealthy relationship with their mom after they are adults. I just don't see anything to be had here. The kids are grown up (thanks to you apparently). The two of you have both moved on. She "moved" more than you. Now, so far after the fact she wants back together? I just don't see the point of it. It would seem there is only time, life, energy, and adult kids respect to be lost with not much to be gained. I simply don't get it described in these terms. Edited February 1, 2016 by testmeasure Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 It seems that she felt bored, wanted to taste "How is it out there", had her taste, understood that it's not exiting as she thought it would be, and then wants to come back to you after in a state of mind of "well, he is not so good but i'll take it because i'm too lazy for searching someone else" It's so lame... Because at least she had the guts to do something properly. She's like a teenage who's saying "I'm running from my house to live by my self" and after one night he returns home because he is not so independent as he claimed to be. I understand her very well. I don't understand you. Why would you take her back? If she missed you so much, coming home in the middle of the night, crying, saying she made the biggest mistake in her life, that i can understand. But like this? Let her complete her mission without you. Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) we were about a week away from the final decree Sorry. I missed this. If you're a week away from the final decree, that means you pretty much have everything worked out. Right? Or are you a week away from a court date where everything will be decided? In either case, all remaining issues are or will be worked out, including anything about college support for the 18 and 20 year old. (1) She bailed on you for 2 years and lived with another guy for 1 year. (2) All the kids are adults (3) A week away from a final decree means any remaining issues are either already resolved, or about to be. Given 1-3, I would say: - This is about the rest of your life and how you want to spend it. - You should be able to do what ever you want and not feel bad about it. If you want to get back together with her, people could give advice how to do that (marital counseling, etc.) but, with (1) I don't think you're under any obligation, and with (2) I don't think there any good reason or need to try to keep the marriage together. So, it's totally up to you. If you want to take her back in, ask for advice about that. If you don't, this sounds like it's pretty much on the verge of being all over and done with. Given the level at which she moved on, the 2 year duration, the lack of contact, leaving you with the 16 year old, living with another guy for a year, like I said before, I think it would be hard for me to see the up side of getting back together. . Edited February 1, 2016 by testmeasure Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 She lived with another guy for the last year, we were about a week away from the final decree when she decided she does not want this and wants to stay married. Wow, deja vu for me. My exW and I had everything divided and worked out and, by coincidence, both arrived at lawyer's office the same time to sign paperwork. Sparks flew, back in bed, moved again in together and - wasted another year of my life on top of the ten years already spent in an unsatisfying and dysfunctional marriage. Often times you split up initially for some pretty good reasons. I'd carefully make sure those didn't still exist... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I suggest you finalize the divorce and tell her to win you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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