Surprised split.

[Saf17]

Hey all,

 

I've been reading through some other posts and I think I've finally found the place I need. I've been with my wife for nearly seven years, five and a half living together (moved in together after two weeks) and a year and a half married. I got home last night and asked if we were okay (she hadn't text me much over the weekend whilst I was at work) and she told me she didn't love me and it was over. We have had barely any fights or issues in our whole relationship. I had no idea anything was wrong. She had always promised if there was an issue we would work on it but she didn't tell me there was an issue and said there is no way of saving this. I moved back in to my parents house yesterday (I'm 28) and we had a brief chat via text last night. It's clear that her feelings are dead and I just think trying to win her back would push her further away. She has agreed I can visit her mother (we lived with her as she needs care at home) and the animals (two dogs, a cat and a rabbit) when she is not there. I work shifts, she works 9-5. I feel so completely alone and lost. I've lost my wife and best friend! I never thought his would happen. Like, literally, she was all I ever dreamed of finding and I just always assumed we would be together forever because we were very much in love.

 

What I'm hoping for here is people to talk to. Advice how to move forward. I've phoned in sick for work today and tomorrow so want to try and be proactive because I know it won't ever work with her again. I'm devastated but I need to learn how to move forward. Please, help me

[testmeasure]

I'm trying to remember back to when I was 28. I can't imagine possibly having as healthy a reaction to it as you seem to be. I would have been doing the stuff that you already realize would make the situation worse. Almost 2 decades later, I probably still would be. You may still be in shock posting this and may have a hard time following through later. I think your conclusions are sound, but if you find yourself acting against your own better judgment, don't beat yourself up too much. Heck, you haven't got a lot to lose in this situation anyway.

 

Knowing the place around here, someone is going to inevitably talk about cheating. You should listen to them and consider it, because it is a possibility even in situations where it seems less likely. Personally I've never cheated nor have I been with anyone who to my knowledge has. So I know sometimes these things just happen for other reasons.

 

It seems kind of tough that she didn't actually give you any reason, particularly if she always told you that she'd come to you first if there ever was anything. That seems like the hardest to swallow thing. Maybe in any further communication, push on this point and see if you can get some honesty to get more closure.

 

There really is no cure for something like this. Coming here and posting is better than anything I ever thought of to do. So it seems to me you're pretty much ahead of where I'd be.

 

If it's any consolation, over the next 10 years are when the women are looking to settle down and start families. If this was going to go down, better now than 5-7 years from now. The game isn't over yet.

 

Reading a bunch of other posters on divorce forums is kind of therapeutic too. No matter how bad your story, there are always worse ones. There are also similar ones that you can identify with, and which have finished through a later stage of completion, so you can see one possible glimpse of the future.

[Saf17]

Thank you for replying. I'm obviously really struggling but trying to do the right things. I really loved her and feel she deserves the best treatment I can give her, which includes trying to handle the break up as best as possible.

 

I thought about the possibility of her cheating. She may well have done, but I don't believe she has and even if she has, I don't want to know. I'm open to the possibility of there being someone else. I also think her sister is a big factor. She dumped her husband about 2 weeks ago and my wife has always followed her sister and has become much, much more like her during the last 2-3 years. My sister-in-law is very nasty and only cares about herself and my wife stayed at hers Friday and Saturday so I wouldn't be surprised if she had told her to just dump me instead of work on it.

 

The two hardest things were that she 'just fell out of love' for no reason (apparently) and when we had a brief chat at home before I packed my essentials and left, she said 'we've only been married a little while' - like it ****ing matters how long we've been married! What matters is you no longer love me!!!! Sorry for swearing and the rant.

 

The consolation does actually help, even though I won't be ready for a relationship for a good while, I immune eventually I'll forget about the hurting and crying a little and a relationship will seem like a good idea.

 

Thank you for replying, it really means a lot

[testmeasure]

It continues to sound like you have a great perspective on this.

 

You need to be the one giving advice here one day. Not me. I wouldn't handle it as well as you.

 

The weak point does sure seem to be that she can't give you any reason after telling you she'd come to you first. I still stick with using any further communication to lean on this one point and possibly get some kind of answer. This point seems worth pressing. You've got nothing to lose, and I'd want to know. It seems you've got more sense than me, trust your own judgment.

 

Time may reveal an answer. That happened to me once. I had a 5 year relationship end in ways I couldn't understand... until I saw her a month later. Every aspect of her life was opposite what I knew for 5 years. So, either she was a chameleon who changed to reflect me for 5 years somehow (?) or she had a mid life crisis a year younger than you and totally changed who she was. And that would be a mid life crisis at an age 1 year younger than yours. It was impossible to explain before meeting her a month later. But when I did, it was clear that the person I knew for 5 years did not exist anymore. Mourning the total loss of the person I had known was actually worse than the breakup. But it totally explained the breakup.

 

Taking some space and time between relationships is a point of wisdom. I'd advise one other thing. After each of my 5+ year relationships failed, I lowered my standards. This effect took place regardless of how long I waited. Each time I lowered my standards, I ended up with a relationship that lasted only a few weeks. I could count my experience with this on one hand. 3 relationships of 5+ years with 2 relationships between each one that lasted a few weeks. It's not just waiting long enough. Don't lower your standards either. Then again this is anecdotal. Maybe there was just something about those two girls that coincidentally made it end after weeks.

 

Not having played the field in your 20s probably gives you a big life advantage. I can't prove it, but from what I've seen and heard and experienced, people who have had a lot of relationships have a harder time bonding. That you've had only one major relationship from age 21 to 28 should be gold to a woman in her 30s looking for someone to pick them and stay with them to create a family. Don't sell yourself short and take a woman that doesn't know how to stay put and has had a dozen 6 moth relationships. Saying the next 10 years is going to work in your favor isn't the same as saying get out there tomorrow. No, far from that. It's better if you take the break, don't lower your standards and spend time to understand the dynamic between the two sexes going forward from your age.

 

You are handling this so well and correctly that there is also a chance that she comes begging back to you. Her weakest point may be her lack of a reason and something for you to lean on. Your weakest point may be whether you put enough thought into the decision tree if she tries to come back to you after pulling a stunt like this. I'm not saying this is something to hope for. It might be something to dread. You'd have to decide. There is a thing here called "the 180" I'm not totally familiar with it because it didn't ever apply to my situation. It almost seems like you have the automatic maturity to be doing a big portion of it.

 

Part of the goal of the 180 is to invoke a response where they come back. So some of the things you're doing that I've said I myself might have a hard time doing might actually trigger that response. If she did come begging back to you, my worst fear is that you might accept it and enter into a permanent cycle of this behavior. Do you get that? Can you understand what I'm saying? I think I've seen them describe it here as a push/pull cycle or push/pull behavior.

[Saf17]

I don't know if call it a great perspective, I'm just trying to be realistic. Thanks for the kind words about me giving advice one day. If I have anything to offer, I will always try to supply it.

 

I am going over next weekend to get the rest of my stuff and finalise money issues so will try and get all the information I can before I leave. I'm not sure if I'll see her again after the weekend. We lived in a different town to my parents. I do think she is almost a completely different person than the one I fell in love with and married. But then, so am I. Maybe one day this will be easier to understand.

 

I'd like to stop here and say I'm sorry you have had so much unluckiness with relationships. I might well come to you when the time comes to think about another relationship if that's okay. You are obviously someone strong enough to learn, grow and try again and that's invaluable.

 

I completely understand what you mean, with her possibly coming back and the 180 explanation. I really don't think I could ever go back to her. No matter how much I love her or what was offered. She fell out of love with me once, she could do so again. I might not be the best looking, the richest, the funniest etc, but if I do ever date again, I deserve someone who will make that effort. That's the worst part for me right now. She always promised we would work at it. She didn't even have he courtesy to tell me there was an issue so I could work at it.

 

I really appreciate your time

[Paradigm]

That's the worst part for me right now. She always promised we would work at it. She didn't even have he courtesy to tell me there was an issue so I could work at it.

 

You seem willing to try, but without meaning to you might've given her the feeling that no matter what she said nothing would change?

 

Sometimes people change. And to them it just doesn't feel the same anymore, they know that you're never going to be enough again. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

[Brady375]

I have been on both ends of this situation. I have been dumped after a 5yr relationship and was frantic wanting her back and I have lost interest in a partner of 11yrs.

This is what will work if anything will at all.

 

Understand you need to fight the frantic urges you feel. The anxious "I need to let her know I love her" feelings.

It isn't what she wants right now nor does she want to hear it. The more a person tells u they don't want to be w u and the more you tell them u love them the more pathetic u look to them atleast on the subconscious level. Your feelings will tell u to do things to get her back. They are wrong in this instance 100% and won't get you want you want. You have to Look at this situation wo emotion.

 

What is your goal and what is the best way to achieve what you want. Though what u need to do won't Feel Right, objectively it is.

Knowing what to do means you need to understand How his happened. Your wife Lost Interest in you first. She may not even Know why she has but she knows she doesn't have that Attraction towards you. This may have happened cus things got complacent or maybe by reading your post all of the challenge is gone because your Too Easy and give way to her too much. The reason Doesn't matter. She Lost Interest Over time First and Then after losing interest she came up w Reasons in her own mind as to why she doesn't want to be w u. This is usually the case when a household isn't dealing w issues of abuse or substance abuse.

 

The flaws you may have had in the beginning of the relationship were overlooked. When a person has Interst in another they overlook their flaws. They defend them. "Well he's cranky In the evenings cus he has a tough job and needs some time when he gets in". After loss of interest this becomes "he's a miserable jerk etc etc"

 

So I think the question is how do you get her interest back. You do not get it back by looking like a wimp falling over her while she rejects you and their are literally millions of other beautiful women right there in your State Alone. No, to get her interest back you need to Improve yourself and be confident. Don't nag her. Don't beg ever, and don't ask for her back. Your overall attitude should be a mentality of I would love to make things work out with you and try to improve things but if this your decision that's fine I'll be ok. You'll be upset over losing her reasonably but you'll move on and be fine.

 

Google "homer McDonald". I went through a terrible break up when I was younger 5yr deal and actually did some over the phone therapy w this guy. He's in his 80s idk if he's still alive. BUT the info online he has is 100% correct. Unfortunately for me I didn't Commit 100% to what he was saying and already did to many non alpha male, begging type things and lost the girl. I hope this helps. Know this, I was Devestated after the breakup and thought I lost the one only to realize I am fine and happy that it ended years later. Was a good thing. I could care less what she's up to doing now. Best of luck.

Edited February 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Saf17]

You seem willing to try, but without meaning to you might've given her the feeling that no matter what she said nothing would change?

 

Sometimes people change. And to them it just doesn't feel the same anymore, they know that you're never going to be enough again. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

 

I was completely committed and willing to try and work. There is always the potential I sub consciencesly gave her a feeling that nothing would change but I told her many times I would always work and change if she wanted me too.

 

Her feelings do seem to have changed but I must have done something. They wouldn't change that drastically if it wasn't my fault.

[Saf17]

I have been on both ends of this situation. I have been dumped after a 5yr relationship and was frantic wanting her back and I have lost interest in a partner of 11yrs.

This is what will work if anything will at all.

Understand you need to fight the frantic urges you feel. The anxious "I need to let her know I love her" feelings.

It isn't what she wants right now nor does she want to hear it. The more a person tells u they don't want to be w u and the more you tell them u love them the more pathetic u look to them atleast on the subconscious level. Your feelings will tell u to do things to get her back. They are wrong in this instance 100% and won't get you want you want. You have to Look at this situation wo emotion. What is your goal and what is the best way to achieve what you want. Though what u need to do won't Feel Right, objectively it is.

Knowing what to do means you need to understand How his happened. Your wife Lost Interest in you first. She may not even Know why she has but she knows she doesn't have that Attraction towards you. This may have happened cus things got complacent or maybe by reading your post all of the challenge is gone because your Too Easy and give way to her too much. The reason Doesn't matter. She Lost Interest Over time First and Then after losing interest she came up w Reasons in her own mind as to why she doesn't want to be w u. This is usually the case when a household isn't dealing w issues of abuse or substance abuse.

The flaws you may have had in the beginning of the relationship were overlooked. When a person has Interst in another they overlook their flaws. They defend them. "Well he's cranky In the evenings cus he has a tough job and needs some time when he gets in". After loss of interest this becomes "he's a miserable jerk etc etc"

So I think the question is how do you get her interest back. You do not get it back by looking like a wimp falling over her while she rejects you and their are literally millions of other beautiful women right there in your State Alone. No, to get her interest back you need to Improve yourself and be confident. Don't nag her. Don't beg ever, and don't ask for her back. Your overall attitude should be a mentality of I would love to make things work out with you and try to improve things but if this your decision that's fine I'll be ok. You'll be upset over losing her reasonably but you'll move on and be fine.

Google "homer McDonald". I went through a terrible break up when I was younger 5yr deal and actually did some over the phone therapy w this guy. He's in his 80s idk if he's still alive. BUT the info online he has is 100% correct. Unfortunately for me I didn't Commit 100% to what he was saying and already did to many non alpha male, begging type things and lost the girl. I hope this helps. Know this, I was Devestated after the breakup and thought I lost the one only to realize I am fine and happy that it ended years later. Was a good thing. I could care less what she's up to doing now. Best of luck.

 

Well, you successfully kicked me in the nuts haha. I'm sorry you have experienced both sides of things, that's really not nice for you.

 

I read through your entire post and I really appreciate your input. I will not be chasing after her. No matter what the reasons are, I am clearly not enough to make her happy so if we tried again, I would fail again. I am obviously heartbroken but I know that I have to move on and start on down my own path. I will cherish the past seven years but it's time for new memories to be made. I will google homer McDonald now, thank you.

[Brady375]

Brother since my post stuck a chord I Think I may be onto something. Sac Up! You are enough. Stop being a such a wimp. Your the man. It's that mentality of "I know I'm not enough to make her happy" that got u here. Your mind should be confident not cocky but more like "i am good enough, and though I want things to work w you if they don't I'm not going to be devastated, I'll be upset for a while but hey there are millions of other beautiful women out there for me. I Am going to be fine."

 

Your enough man. The root of this problem and don't take this persoanlly I really don't know u I could be dead wrong but I'm just trying to help is self esteem and confidence. You need to work on u and that will come. Find out what your goals are. If you don't know your goal is to figure out your goals. When you are on your Death bed dying and you look back on your life will you have Self Respect or Regret? What do u need to get done for Yourself to have Self Respect? Find that out and then get after it day by day.

 

Either way this situation turns out your going to be fine man. I am a hard ass, and my 5yr break up Destroyed me, broke me down to nothing. I never thought I'd recover. I'd go to bed and wake up crying for months. Guess what I'm fine now. I came out of it and now having that Piece of mind knowing what I know (that I'll be fine) I don't waste my time sweating that kind of stuff. If this doesn't work out you Learn from this and get better as a man. the places that u may have went wrong w girl A. Will show u what to improve on now so you can move on to the Better girl B. Good luck. ( and there are guys who improve themselves and their attitudes Drastically and get the Girl THEY want back and it works out.

 

But change like this doesn't come easy and it can't Be Faked.) could u make her happy? Yea sure if you want too. It may or may not work in getting her back Idk how far gone it is. Also Do not contact Her. Don't play Coy and try to text her as if U Needed to over some trivial question over the dogs. Don't go see the dogs right now. The less she sees and hears from u the better. If she contacts u create small talk but never chase and never talk about getting back together. If she starts hitting on issues of how your going to divorce she's probing n testing u to see if ull be a wimp and beg for your life/marriage. She'll say ahhh ha there he is. If she brings up how you'll seperate permenant discuss it maturely like a man.

 

If she writes you wondering Why you Haven't contacted her like a brat you respond by telling her that your giving her the space she asked for. Never take the Bait! Never try to Change her mind. Ever. Remember. "Id love to make it work but if you made your decision I understand" that's where your mind is at. That's a confident honest mindset. You Want your marriage to work. You love her. But if she doesn't want to put the work in you have Enough Self Worth and are smart enough to know ull meet another incredible woman.

Edited February 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Zoe5.5]

Hey all,

 

I've been reading through some other posts and I think I've finally found the place I need. I've been with my wife for nearly seven years, five and a half living together (moved in together after two weeks) and a year and a half married. I got home last night and asked if we were okay (she hadn't text me much over the weekend whilst I was at work) and she told me she didn't love me and it was over. We have had barely any fights or issues in our whole relationship. I had no idea anything was wrong. She had always promised if there was an issue we would work on it but she didn't tell me there was an issue and said there is no way of saving this. I moved back in to my parents house yesterday (I'm 28) and we had a brief chat via text last night. It's clear that her feelings are dead and I just think trying to win her back would push her further away. She has agreed I can visit her mother (we lived with her as she needs care at home) and the animals (two dogs, a cat and a rabbit) when she is not there. I work shifts, she works 9-5. I feel so completely alone and lost. I've lost my wife and best friend! I never thought his would happen. Like, literally, she was all I ever dreamed of finding and I just always assumed we would be together forever because we were very much in love.

 

What I'm hoping for here is people to talk to. Advice how to move forward. I've phoned in sick for work today and tomorrow so want to try and be proactive because I know it won't ever work with her again. I'm devastated but I need to learn how to move forward. Please, help me

 

 

 

 

 

"Love covers a multitude of sins", I was always taught from my mother . Sometimes a text is just that , a text. Text are hard to really determine what the one on the other is truly feeling and I would like to suggest from my personal experiences; stray away from the text. Instead, make a sensible phone call and ask to either talk it through on the phone and or plan somewhere neutral to meet . I.E. a favorite restaurant or coffee shop . Somewhere , that the atmosphere would be more relaxed and able to reason together and understand the reasons why each person feels the way they do . It also lessons the chance for lies, deceit, and tension. I hope this suggestion will help you with an idea of how to facethe situation.

[Zoe5.5]

Hey all,

 

I've been reading through some other posts and I think I've finally found the place I need. I've been with my wife for nearly seven years, five and a half living together (moved in together after two weeks) and a year and a half married. I got home last night and asked if we were okay (she hadn't text me much over the weekend whilst I was at work) and she told me she didn't love me and it was over. We have had barely any fights or issues in our whole relationship. I had no idea anything was wrong. She had always promised if there was an issue we would work on it but she didn't tell me there was an issue and said there is no way of saving this. I moved back in to my parents house yesterday (I'm 28) and we had a brief chat via text last night. It's clear that her feelings are dead and I just think trying to win her back would push her further away. She has agreed I can visit her mother (we lived with her as she needs care at home) and the animals (two dogs, a cat and a rabbit) when she is not there. I work shifts, she works 9-5. I feel so completely alone and lost. I've lost my wife and best friend! I never thought his would happen. Like, literally, she was all I ever dreamed of finding and I just always assumed we would be together forever because we were very much in love.

 

What I'm hoping for here is people to talk to. Advice how to move forward. I've phoned in sick for work today and tomorrow so want to try and be proactive because I know it won't ever work with her again. I'm devastated but I need to learn how to move forward. Please, help me

 

 

"Love covers a multitude of sins", I was always taught from my mother . Sometimes a text is just that , a text. Text are hard to really determine what the one on the other is truly feeling and I would like to suggest from my personal experiences; stray away from the text. Instead, make a sensible phone call and ask to either talk it through on the phone and or plan somewhere neutral to meet . I.E. Dunkin Donuts, or Sonic . Somewhere , that the atmosphere would be more relaxed and able to reason together and understand the reasons why each person feels the way they do . It also lessons the chance for lies, deceit, and tension. I hope this suggestion will help you with an idea of how to face the situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

I got home last night and asked if we were okay (she hadn't text me much over the weekend whilst I was at work) and she told me she didn't love me and it was over. We have had barely any fights or issues in our whole relationship. I had no idea anything was wrong. She had always promised if there was an issue we would work on it but she didn't tell me there was an issue and said there is no way of saving this. I moved back in to my parents house yesterday (I'm 28) and we had a brief chat via text last night. It's clear that her feelings are dead and I just think trying to win her back would push her further away.

 

Lots of red flags in your post indicating she may at least have an interest in someone else.

 

Before you say "she wouldn't do that", do the simple things - check the phone bill, her email and social media if you have access, look at checking accounts and credit card statements, etc.

 

Most people don't jump without a pretty good idea where they're going to land. Do a little investigative work and let us know the outcome...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

Best chance you have of getting her back is to move on IMMEDIATELY, start exercising, start hanging out with your friends, show up at a lot of events that have other women there, and make sure your wife hears all about it.

 

She is almost certainly cheating, but even if she isn't, she takes you for granted. Psychologically, the best way for her to care about you again is to (1) let her see you enjoying life without her and (2) let her see other WOMEN having fun around you.

[Marc878]

You should never leave your home. Being weak and timid in this situation will get you nothing.

 

First thing: check your phone bill!!!!!!!

 

Go online and look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number.

 

Then prepare for full exposure. This doesn't just happen all of a sudden.

 

Act quick she is already ahead of you.

 

It sounds like there maybe another man in the mix

Edited February 1, 2016 by Marc878

[whichwayisup]

I was completely committed and willing to try and work. There is always the potential I sub consciencesly gave her a feeling that nothing would change but I told her many times I would always work and change if she wanted me too.

 

Her feelings do seem to have changed but I must have done something. They wouldn't change that drastically if it wasn't my fault.

 

If she chose to have an affair, that's on her not you! If her feelings changed, that's on her, not you! If she had issues or needs weren't being met, she could have spoken to you at any time about it and you two could have worked together to fix things if she was so unhappy. You were blindsided and obviously had no idea she wanted out. And (sorry for all the "ifs") lol, but IF she is copying her sister (divorce) and allowing her sis to influence her, shame on her!! All that means is she isn't wife material and certainly not ready for marriage and commitment! This is HER loss, not yours though I'm sure right now it doesn't feel that way.

 

Don't try to 'fight' for her. Don't be her friend either. Do the 180 and go NC. Even go so far to tell her you're gonna talk to a lawyer (her reaction will be telling on what's going on, if she is blowing smoke or if she means what she says, she wants out of the marriage) and that you want a D done as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[Saf17]

If she chose to have an affair, that's on her not you! If her feelings changed, that's on her, not you! If she had issues or needs weren't being met, she could have spoken to you at any time about it and you two could have worked together to fix things if she was so unhappy. You were blindsided and obviously had no idea she wanted out. And (sorry for all the "ifs") lol, but IF she is copying her sister (divorce) and allowing her sis to influence her, shame on her!! All that means is she isn't wife material and certainly not ready for marriage and commitment! This is HER loss, not yours though I'm sure right now it doesn't feel that way.

 

Don't try to 'fight' for her. Don't be her friend either. Do the 180 and go NC. Even go so far to tell her you're gonna talk to a lawyer (her reaction will be telling on what's going on, if she is blowing smoke or if she means what she says, she wants out of the marriage) and that you want a D done as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

Thanks for your message. I don't think she has cheated on me, but I do think there is a possibility of there being someone else. I think there were quite a few factors in this and I think her sister was a big one, because I think at the very least, she will have told my wife to just leave instead of work at it. I guess she isn't wife material but she's the only person I met that I thought was. That scares me for what the future brings.

 

I don't plan on fighting for her. I don't plan on being her friend. Once the money situation has been sorted and I have picked up the rest of my clothes and stuff then I am done and will head down my own path. The whole divorce thing is confusing to me. I've never looked into it - never believed I needed to. I'm in no hurry to get divorced as I won't date for a long time after. Is it worth rushing it? Thank you

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for your message. I don't think she has cheated on me, but I do think there is a possibility of there being someone else. I think there were quite a few factors in this and I think her sister was a big one, because I think at the very least, she will have told my wife to just leave instead of work at it.

 

Don't start making excuses for her, she wasn't abducted at gunpoint. Any and all choices she's made have been of her own volition.

 

Since she's determined to leave, not much to lose by asking her directly if she's seeing someone else. If you explain you don't want to hang on unnecessarily, she might level with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Saf17]

Thanks for the post, I appreciate your response and opinion. However, I have no desire to find out if there is someone else. All that matters is she left and I need to get on with my life. I will eventually be okay, even without her.

[MJJean]

The whole divorce thing is confusing to me. I've never looked into it - never believed I needed to. I'm in no hurry to get divorced as I won't date for a long time after. Is it worth rushing it? Thank you

 

This depends on the laws where you live. In most places, as a married couple with no paperwork pending, you share legal liabilities.

 

If you own shared assets and current debt, you'll need court orders on their division.

 

So, yes, if you are sure you aren't going to reconcile I think it's best to get the divorce filed and final as quickly as possible.

[testmeasure]

Any debt she runs up may be half yours.

 

If someone sues her, they can come after your money too.

 

Anything you make is half hers.

 

The two of you are a single financial entity. That's not a good thing when the other person is off someplace else making unknown decisions to their own benefit without regard to you.

 

.

Edited February 3, 2016 by testmeasure

[KBarletta]

Hey all,

 

I've been reading through some other posts and I think I've finally found the place I need. I've been with my wife for nearly seven years, five and a half living together (moved in together after two weeks) and a year and a half married. I got home last night and asked if we were okay (she hadn't text me much over the weekend whilst I was at work) and she told me she didn't love me and it was over. We have had barely any fights or issues in our whole relationship. I had no idea anything was wrong. She had always promised if there was an issue we would work on it but she didn't tell me there was an issue and said there is no way of saving this. I moved back in to my parents house yesterday (I'm 28) and we had a brief chat via text last night. It's clear that her feelings are dead and I just think trying to win her back would push her further away. She has agreed I can visit her mother (we lived with her as she needs care at home) and the animals (two dogs, a cat and a rabbit) when she is not there. I work shifts, she works 9-5. I feel so completely alone and lost. I've lost my wife and best friend! I never thought his would happen. Like, literally, she was all I ever dreamed of finding and I just always assumed we would be together forever because we were very much in love.

 

What I'm hoping for here is people to talk to. Advice how to move forward. I've phoned in sick for work today and tomorrow so want to try and be proactive because I know it won't ever work with her again. I'm devastated but I need to learn how to move forward. Please, help me

 

Welcome, Saf17. I feel for you, and your narrative sounds remarkably similar to my own, though it sounds as if you have no kids, are a bit younger and haven't been with your wife quite as long. All of those things, under the circumstances, are in your favor. You have time to find someone who appreciates you and who you can be happy with.

 

So many people in your shoes would be tempted to beg her back. You are clearly past that point, and that also is good, because that would do nothing to make the situation any better for anyone. Your best move right now is to make a clean break, move on, and make YOU and your happiness your first priority.

 

I see a lot of myself in you. I did not want to know whether my wife was seeing someone else, as it made no difference to the outcome of the situation. Spoiler alert -- she WAS, and I eventually found that out. And you will find the truth eventually too, probably, no need to dig up dirt that is only going to upset you. I think you are right to simply move on, unless you are in a position where cheating would make a difference legally or financially to your advantage, just let it go.

 

I wish you well. I would encourage you to seek counseling, to stay busy (get back to work!), find hobbies, find friends who you can confide in, keep posting here.

 

I am a bit over a year into my current situation, and my divorce will be final in a matter of days. I can tell you that while I still have sharp pangs of regret about what and how things happened, I am happy for the most part. I have found a new woman who I totally adore, and I am very happy in my new life. I wish you the same - and I know that it will come. It will just take time.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

KTB

[BuddyX]

Been in your spot. 3 years removed. I did the very same thing. Packed up and left. As stated before, I found out she had someone else. I know you don't care ( I didn't), but where it came to play, was 6 months later when she hit a rough patch with her new flavor and decided to contact me and become my friend.

 

I told her "We're not friends we're not enemies, we're strangers with memories". And I hung up the phone.

I'm telling you, your woman will take one last stab. Don't fall for it.

[Saf17]

Thanks for all the replies guys, especially the last two. I bumped into my wife's sister earlier and asked her if my wife had a new guy. It's the 47 year old from work with marriage issues. This is unconfirmed but I believe it. I feel better because I can't do anything. She never had a father figure and always had issues with guys so I'm completely unsurprised he is the guy she picked.

 

I also met a lady from work (who went through a marriage breaking from an abusive relationship. She helped me see how I was controlled by my wife and how unhappy I have been. I went through a massive depressive load and ended up putting that down to work, found a new job and got my baseline better. I haven't been happy since then. Maybe it was relationship based. My mum thinks I would of realised one day and left her so I'm quietly optimistic about the future.

[KBarletta]

Been in your spot. 3 years removed. I did the very same thing. Packed up and left. As stated before, I found out she had someone else. I know you don't care ( I didn't), but where it came to play, was 6 months later when she hit a rough patch with her new flavor and decided to contact me and become my friend.

 

I told her "We're not friends we're not enemies, we're strangers with memories". And I hung up the phone.

I'm telling you, your woman will take one last stab. Don't fall for it.

 

Wow. That's an excellent line, and one that I am going to steal and keep in my back pocket ... just in case.