Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[Amillionpieces]

First time post.

 

I had a good life. Married 16 years together 24 to my childhood sweetheart, three kids youngest is 9. Husband and I have had our share of problems, separated once a few years ago, but we're generally pretty good.

 

I stayed home with kids. They are spread in age so that I was home 15 years with someone not in school. I loved that life. When the youngest started school is when my troubles started. I was lost, didn't know who I was etc. Started working and 1.5 years ago started a new job where I met MM.

 

We started a friendship that turned into EA and then PA. PA been over 6 months. With our work it is set up in a way that we could spend lots of alone time together and we do. Spend way too much time together.

 

Somewhere along this journey I have completely lost myself. I am not 'present' when I'm home. I spend all my time thinking of him.

 

Our kids are in the same sport. Every weekend I see him and wife watching the sport. We don't speak there, I am a secret.

 

About 4 months ago we had a mini d-day. She texted me as him and I responded. Nothing too scandalous but enough that she knew something was up. Next text said 'stop texting that's my wife'.

 

He told her who I was. Told her my name.

 

We then went underground and have code words when texting and all sorts of foolishness.

 

A few weeks ago another mini d-day. His kid told his mother that he thought dad was having an affair because he texts when she's at work and deletes them. He denied and denied and eventually blew over a bit and I never was brought up. Result of that we went even more underground, don't text in front of kids. (We didn't text much with them around anyway, but now it's never in front of them).

 

So now it's been xmas break and I'm so upset with myself for who I've become. The anxiety of not speaking is making me insane.

 

Boxing Day he called me. He was at his family home an hour away. He had gotten in a fight with her and she left with kids and left him there. I lied to husband and went to pick him up. We talked for 2 hrs and then I dropped him off home where he told her he got a cab. after the fight with her he got mad and punched a window and broke his phone. He has not replaced it yet so there's no contact. I told him that evening he broke his phone because of me and the stress but he denied it.

 

We have the sport tomorrow. My biggest anxiety is that my husband knows who he is from work and knows we are 'friends'. His wife does not know its 'me' at the sport. So I make sure that we are just never in front of each other and tell husband 'oh I just spoke to him a second ago when I went to bathroom'. It's all so stressful. I have to go because husband is working. I know MM will be there. I equal parts want to see him and don't want to see him.

 

I love my kids and don't want them to ever know what I've done. I need to get out of it.

 

Same story I've read a million times here ... We love each other and want to be together. But we can't. We both know with so many kids involved it is way too complicated. We both say we'd rather be unhappy at home and have kids in an intact house.

 

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I am lost and broken. I hate who I've become. I'm losing too much weight from stress. It's awful.

 

I know this is all over the place and I'll answer any questions to clarify. I just need to get it off my chest!!

[Amillionpieces]

I will add that I am a big talker and husband is not. It's our biggest problem. He is the type I need to check his pulse to see if he's alive. I am a hundred miles an hour all the time. We drive each other crazy from this and it's been a problem for me for a long time.

 

MM and I are similar energy and just talk and talk and talk. There's 10:1 talking vs physical.

[Amillionpieces]

One more thing. Work is changed and we don't get the time together like we used to. It's a blessing and a curse.

[Midwestmissy]

Oh and while my h was in the affair, he had a long list of my deficiencies too. Your h shortcomings will disappear when you're served. Guess who is crying at my feet now? Yet I didn't change. You're demonizing him so you can justify the affair. Yet neither of you has left your marriage. Hmmmm guess it's not so bad then, right?

Edited January 1, 2016 by Midwestmissy
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[bathtub-row]

I think you're making a huge mistake. No matter how much it hurts, you need to put a complete end to this potential mess, and love this guy from a distance. Even if that means leaving your job.

 

You have no idea what you have but you'll figure it out really quickly if your husband finds out. Despite his conversational flaws, it seems he has given you a very good life. I've been married 3 times and I never had a guy give me the type of life you have. If you lose that life, you will be deeply sorry and there will be no way to recover it.

 

I always say don't gamble unless you can afford to lose. Is this gamble worth what you're laying on the table?

[Marc878]

Read your post and pretend it's a friend. What would you tell her?

[whichwayisup]

Best thing you can do is confess. Come clean and be completely honest to your husband as it's only a matter of time before MM's wife figures out who you are exactly and tells your husband about your affair with her husband.

[Friskyone4u]

You've had two mini d days. When you have a real d day and your husband finds out , and he will, what you are feeling now will be a picnic .

The only way you are going to get out of this, and you may not, is to sit your husband down and confess everything.

Yup, that is risky. But if he finds out any other way , your chances of staying married decrease dramatically .

By confessing your "interactions " at kids events will obviously Coke to a halt which will help you

Probably not the advice you want to hear , but you are in for disaster if you keep this up. Very few Disneyland endings on your course

[whichwayisup]

There's also a good chance your husband suspects but trusts you and doesn't think it's really an affair, but I be ya his mind has gone there. Telling him would be a relief for you both, if he does suspect, at least he gets the truth and a choice in whether or not he wants to forgive you and give you a second chance. If you don't tell him and he finds out another way, it'll be much harder for reconcilation.

[Amillionpieces]

I mentioned the talking not to demonize husband but to explain the attraction to MM. I've been with husband since 14 (on and off thru highschool), pregnant at 20. We've not been perfect, like I said we separated 5 years ago because of his drinking. He quit drinking and we reconciled. We have had lots of problems but he's the only life I've ever had.

[Amillionpieces]

We don't interact at sports, our kids are not friends. It's just an unfortunate coincidence that we are both there every weekend. My fear of her realizing who I am there is real. The fact that MM did not tell her it's 'me' there will be the biggest red flag and we will be toast. Husband knows about MM being my friend at work because a long time ago I told him that we meet for coffee aometimes. Our work is such that we are on the road so to speak and would meet up literally just for coffee if we were in the area. This was before anything happened. So husband knows who he is from that but I swear he doesn't suspect anything. If he suspects something is going on with me (possible) he hasn't made the connection. Last week we had a car issue and husband asked if I could ask MM for a ride. Innocently he asked this. I'm sure he doesn't suspect.

[ShatteredLady]

Is your husband a violent womanizer who betrays & emotionally abuses you? If not, why are you fantasizing about trading down?

 

 

.....oh you think your MM will be different with you & it's all the victims fault!

[Amillionpieces]

I don't think its my husband or his wife's fault. It's 100% our fault. But there are obviously problems in the marriages if we ended up here. There's no point in talking about those problems here because it's irrelevant to the current situation.

 

I'm VERY self aware here. It's all my fault. Problems or no problems husband doesn't deserve what I'm doing.

[ShatteredLady]

You've got me wrong here. I'm not thinking about your husband, I'm thinking about YOU!! Why would you want THAT man?

[Sassy Girl]

So you're ruined, and it's 100% your own fault...

 

What are you going to do about that? serious question.

[Amillionpieces]

I feel like I have to leave the marriage because if what I've done. I'm not saying I'm leaving to be with MM, not saying that at all.

 

I can't even look at husband. The last time we were physical I cried. He was very confused.

 

If I decide to end it and stay I don't know how to get past what I've done. I don't deserve the marriage, husband doesn't deserve me.

 

I can't tell him. I just can't. I have to just hope it never gets revealed.

[purplesorrow]

Your mm threw his own kid under the bus to save his own azz. Just think about the courage it took for that kid to tell his mom his concerns. His father made them out to be a liar. Do you think he will really protect you when it comes down to it?

[whichwayisup]

I don't think its my husband or his wife's fault. It's 100% our fault. But there are obviously problems in the marriages if we ended up here. There's no point in talking about those problems here because it's irrelevant to the current situation.

 

I'm VERY self aware here. It's all my fault. Problems or no problems husband doesn't deserve what I'm doing.

 

Or, you and MM are broken and selfish. Sorry to be blunt. You two are putting your own happiness above everybody else and ON the expense of your spouses and children.

 

Each of you are responsible (you and your H) for any problems in the marriage, just like MM and his wife are responsible for issues in their marriage but it's choice to go and cheat, have an affair. You could have chosen to fix your marriage, talk to your H, go back to marriage counseling, separate again, talk it out, etc..etc..but going outside your marriage hasn't helped at all, yeah sure you're happier, but your marriage is suffering and what you feel now towards your husband is less and less thanks to MM being in your life, providing you with sex and love and whatever else. You've detached from him.

[Sassy Girl]

Your mm threw his own kid under the bus to save his own azz. Just think about the courage it took for that kid to tell his mom his concerns. His father made them out to be a liar. Do you think he will really protect you when it comes down to it?

 

That is such a good point. Not only is he playing out this affair under their own noses at sports, but he's gas lighting his own kid. What a gem

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I have to leave the marriage because if what I've done. I'm not saying I'm leaving to be with MM, not saying that at all.

 

I can't even look at husband. The last time we were physical I cried. He was very confused.

 

If I decide to end it and stay I don't know how to get past what I've done. I don't deserve the marriage, husband doesn't deserve me.

 

I can't tell him. I just can't. I have to just hope it never gets revealed.

Eventually his wife will figure out who you are. Don't want to scare you but she will. And she will contact your husband. This is why owning it all and telling him the truth is better coming from you.

[Sassy Girl]

I feel like I have to leave the marriage because if what I've done. I'm not saying I'm leaving to be with MM, not saying that at all.

 

I can't even look at husband. The last time we were physical I cried. He was very confused.

 

If I decide to end it and stay I don't know how to get past what I've done. I don't deserve the marriage, husband doesn't deserve me.

 

I can't tell him. I just can't. I have to just hope it never gets revealed.

So you're going to break up your family because you can't face what you've done. listen to yourself... All this whining and self pity.... Where's the empathy for your family? ... You're so wrapped up in your own guilt and shame you're going to run away and hurt those you live because of it.

 

Pull your head out lady. This is a hell of your own making.

 

And you're right about not leaving to be with Mm - he's not leaving. You'll be alone.

[Amillionpieces]

I don't think MM will protect me and I don't expect it. I'm realistic about that. We've had this conversation and we both say we'd have no choice but to look out for ourselves even though we'd 'try' to protect the other.

 

He's a flawed man, clearly, but he is also very conflicted over this. It's stressful for both of us.

[ShatteredLady]

I hate to see anyone in so much pain. It's heart breaking.

 

People have affairs for different reasons & behave in different ways. I'm not trying to make you hate yourself more. I'm trying to make you see step 1 which is getting that 'man' out of your life! You've said so little but we all already see him as a bad man.

[Amillionpieces]

I don't think MM is leaving. I've never expected that.

 

I can't understand what Ive done and can't see how I stay in the marriage under the circumstances. It's not about breaking up the family for my guilt, it's about my husband. How can I stay?

 

Seriously. I need advice. How do I stay? How do I let him touch me? How do I look at him?

[Sassy Girl]

I don't think MM is leaving. I've never expected that.

 

I can't understand what Ive done and can't see how I stay in the marriage under the circumstances. It's not about breaking up the family for my guilt, it's about my husband. How can I stay?

 

Seriously. I need advice. How do I stay? How do I let him touch me? How do I look at him?

 

first - END THE AFFAIR! that's a no brainer and that's step one. No contact.

 

And get counselling. You cannot repair a marriage while you are having sex with someone else. You're not wired to. You can't compartmentalise which means the affair much end. Besides the fact that affairs are bad, what are you honestly getting from this? The dynamic is SO freakkng unhealthy. The wife is on high alert and will probably bust you any day now and then it will blow wide open anyway. You're stressed to the point that you're losing significant weights and it's affecting your children. Code words? Seriously? That's just crazy. And crazy stupid. Out your big girl panties on and end it. And get help.