Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[Amillionpieces]

To be clear. MM and I do not have sex. Third base. We took sex of fthe table because we didn't think either of us could handle that.

 

MM is a good guy. Maybe not 'good' but no worse than me.

[ShatteredLady]

Eventually your husband will know. He will find out. The OMs wife will tell him or you will.

 

Look at the infidelity forum. At the top is a post called "What every WS needs to know". Can you do that?

 

It's about asking the BIG questions & giving yourself HONEST answers. Not from guilt, or pain, or what the OM has put in your head. Forgets all the "but..." For now, just be true...

 

Do you want your marriage?

Is Fear the only thing keeping you home?

Can you do the work?

 

It's time for the truth & it's time to pay the piper. There's very, very little chance of you just walking away from this. Every single day that you are still in ANY form of contact with the OM is another day that the affair is continuing. You know it's got to stop.

[minnesotagirl]

To be clear. MM and I do not have sex. Third base. We took sex of fthe table because we didn't think either of us could handle that.

 

MM is a good guy. Maybe not 'good' but no worse than me.

 

Actually your MM is a very bad person, and a crappy father. When his child came forward saying "I think dad might be cheating," your MM lied. Now, one of two scenarios is true:

1. That child KNOWS intuitively the truth: that their dad is a cheat, that he had a side piece, and that his mom is being fleeced.

2. That child was gaslighted really well by the lies his father told, and dubiously believed dad isn't cheating. However, that kid (like BSs) now doesn't trust their intuition. They're being gaslit and emotionally abused by someone close to them,

who is more interested in covering their own ass than being a decent person.

Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bathtub-row]

I disagree with telling your husband. Just end the affair completely and get on with your life. Or end your marriage. The game you're currently playing is going to blow up in your face.

[Sassy Girl]

To be clear. MM and I do not have sex. Third base. We took sex of fthe table because we didn't think either of us could handle that.

 

MM is a good guy. Maybe not 'good' but no worse than me.

 

Because you seem to be handling it so well right now? Right?

 

Guess what - oral sex is still sex and cheating is still cheating.

 

Third base? Code words? You know how juvenile this sounds right?

[goodyblue]

Your mm threw his own kid under the bus to save his own azz. Just think about the courage it took for that kid to tell his mom his concerns. His father made them out to be a liar. Do you think he will really protect you when it comes down to it?

 

Completely agree with this.

 

On another note, I would not divulge. Just stop the affair and get into therapy first and then marriage counseling later.

Edited January 2, 2016 by goodyblue

[whichwayisup]

I don't think MM is leaving. I've never expected that.

 

I can't understand what Ive done and can't see how I stay in the marriage under the circumstances. It's not about breaking up the family for my guilt, it's about my husband. How can I stay?

 

Seriously. I need advice. How do I stay? How do I let him touch me? How do I look at him?

 

You let your husband know the truth and then go to marriage counseling, with him and on your own. Never know, your husband may love you more than you realize and want to stay married, want to work with you to salvage the marriage and give you a second chance.

[TunaCat]

If you can't end this relationship for yourself, do it for MM's kids. He basically lied to his child about this. Imagine how it's going to feel for the child when they find out their dad lied to them.

 

This isn't just a little lie. This is a HUGE lie. A lie that will change the way your MM's child thinks of him COMPLETELY.

 

He is being selfish.

 

So are you.

 

Your husband does not deserve him. So you need to tell him and then decide if you want to work on the marriage or if you are going to leave the marriage.

[Amillionpieces]

Because you seem to be handling it so well right now? Right?

 

Guess what - oral sex is still sex and cheating is still cheating.

 

Third base? Code words? You know how juvenile this sounds right?

 

 

 

I just said third base because everyone knows what I mean. I'm trying to simplify the most complicated thing I'be ever been involved with.

 

 

It is juvenile. When it started I thought it would be some fun diversion on each of our ends. I really thought I could handle it. Now we are just so far over our heads. MM said recently that maybe we should get caught so that we'd be forced to make a choice. I lost my mind and told him I never want to get caught. I don't want my daughters to think they have 'whore' in their DNA.

 

MM kid thing was pretty serious. I can't express how awful I feel for that. I don't know what else he could have done but to deny it at that moment. I would have done the same I think. What else could he have done? I don't know. it's awful.

 

Ive decided to ignore him tmr at the sport. Neither his wife or my husband will be there (because of the schedule this week) and normally we'd have a little chat when that happens but I need to reevaluate what the hell I'm doing.

 

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if we really love each other. It doesn't matter that he's the best conversation I've ever had. It doesn't matter.

 

None of that matters. My kids and marriage are at stake but its more than that. My sanity is hanging by a thread. I'm not looking for pity, Im just so lost and confused about how I let myself get here.

[Marc878]

I feel like I have to leave the marriage because if what I've done. I'm not saying I'm leaving to be with MM, not saying that at all.

 

I can't even look at husband. The last time we were physical I cried. He was very confused.

 

If I decide to end it and stay I don't know how to get past what I've done. I don't deserve the marriage, husband doesn't deserve me.

 

I can't tell him. I just can't. I have to just hope it never gets revealed.

 

You have become so involved with the OM there isn't anything left for your husband which will also impact your kids/family.

 

Just divorcing because you can't tell the truth????

 

Obviously you won't be able to hide this forever. It's your life and you've made it what it is. It's also your decision on how to move forward.

 

MM is a no win situation.

 

The truth always matters. It fixes a lot of things.

[Ms. Faust]

To be clear. MM and I do not have sex. Third base. We took sex of fthe table because we didn't think either of us could handle that.

 

MM is a good guy. Maybe not 'good' but no worse than me.

 

Oh lord. Please don't say "third base" is he gets blowjobs and you get heavy petting. Unless that is absolutely what you want it always amazes me when women stoop to accepting sexual crumbs.

[Amillionpieces]

How can the truth fix anything. Really. If I've 'escaped' this far isn't it best to keep this to myself? How is telling husband going to fix anything?

 

I know the theory that he deserves to know the truth but if I end it and move on isnt that better?

 

This assumes I can get over my issues which I do believe I can but right now I'm very far from that.

[Amillionpieces]

Oh lord. Please don't say "third base" is he gets blowjobs and you get heavy petting. Unless that is absolutely what you want it always amazes me when women stoop to accepting sexual crumbs.

 

No that's not what I'm saying. It's not like that. It's give and take. It's also not purely physical.

[Ms. Faust]

No that's not what I'm saying. It's not like that. It's give and take. It's also not purely physical.

 

Sorry. All I see are lies and throwing the kiddies under the bus.

One of the worst affair stories I read on here. Nothing slightly redeemable.

 

Hope you get help and start really caring about your children and family.

[Amillionpieces]

Sorry. All I see are lies and throwing the kiddies under the bus.

One of the worst affair stories I read on here. Nothing slightly redeemable.

 

Hope you get help and start really caring about your children and family.

 

Really? I've been reading this forum for weeks. I'm being serious - how is this any worse? Reading has made me realize how it's all the same as every other story.

 

How is this worse? I really want to know.

 

And I do care about my family. Why else would I have lost 30 lbs in 6 months? Everyone I know is asking if I'm sick. I'm a ****ing mess here.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Amillionpieces

[Ms. Faust]

When the son found out he should have fessed up. Instead he lied and deceived, and made the kid out to be either wrong or not truthful.

 

You are comparing your weight loss to caring for your family? Sounds like you are depressed because of the affair, and yet you continje. Well... The kids are not your priority the way they should be... But really, you are risking their security and lifestyle when you participate in an affair. To an extent you are distracted from their lives because you are so wrapped up in your own bull****.

 

At the very least you most definitely don't give a flying **** about his kids. They have already been jeopardized with a mini dday, and you have continued... TWICE!!

 

Do what you want, but be aware of you continue to engage in the affair then you are not giving 100% to the kids, IMO.

 

Even a divorce would be better then this nonsense.

[anika99]

How can the truth fix anything. Really. If I've 'escaped' this far isn't it best to keep this to myself? How is telling husband going to fix anything?

 

I know the theory that he deserves to know the truth but if I end it and move on isnt that better?

 

This assumes I can get over my issues which I do believe I can but right now I'm very far from that.

 

No, the only benefit to telling the truth isn't just that your husband deserves to know. It's because you both deserve to find joy and happiness and your kids deserve happy parent who are either together or apart. If you end the affair and never tell your husband the truth then I don't think you will ever be happy in your marriage, nor will your husband ever be truly happy with you, although he won't know why exactly.

 

The secrets and lies will forever create a wall between you and there will never be true intimacy and you will forever carry around the ghost of the MM as your fantasy Mr. Right which your husband will never be able to compete with. By telling your husband the truth you will both get to decide which is the correct path to take going forward. Your husband may decide that he really loves you and wants to repair the marriage and when you see what he is willing to go through for you, it will take the shine off of your affair and you will see the MM for who he really is.

 

Your husband needs to know the truth but more importantly you need your husband to know the truth so that you can heal. You and your husband will either heal together or agree to divorce and heal separately, but even if you divorce at least you will be able to go forward without always being afraid that these skeletons will be discovered and your husband can move on knowing the full truth of his broken marriage instead of driving himself mad wondering what on earth is/was wrong with his marriage and his wife. The truth is what will set both you and your husband free from the bondage your affair is holding all of you in.

[anika99]

Really? I've been reading this forum for weeks. I'm being serious - how is this any worse? Reading has made me realize how it's all the same as every other story.

 

How is this worse? I really want to know.

 

And I do care about my family. Why else would I have lost 30 lbs in 6 months? Everyone I know is asking if I'm sick. I'm a ****ing mess here.

 

Please. You haven't lost 30lbs because you love your children. You have lost 30lbs because your affair is making you a mental case and yet you don't love your children enough to give it up and give them a healthy stable mother.

[Amillionpieces]

When the son found out he should have fessed up. Instead he lied and deceived, and made the kid out to be either wrong or not truthful.

 

You are comparing your weight loss to caring for your family? Sounds like you are depressed because of the affair, and yet you continje. Well... The kids are not your priority the way they should be... But really, you are risking their security and lifestyle when you participate in an affair. To an extent you are distracted from their lives because you are so wrapped up in your own bull****.

 

At the very least you most definitely don't give a flying **** about his kids. They have already been jeopardized with a mini dday, and you have continued... TWICE!!

 

Do what you want, but be aware of you continue to engage in the affair then you are not giving 100% to the kids, IMO.

 

Even a divorce would be better then this nonsense.

 

 

 

I do care about my kids. And his kids. I'm not flaunting weight loss, I'm a small person my weight is now in double digits. I'm a mess because of how I'm acting. It's showing in me physically and people around me who know me know SOMETHING is wrong. They just don't know what.

 

I'm here looking for help or advice or whatever. I clearly can't do this. I vlearly am not cut out for this lifestyle. I'm a good person I really am and this is killing me.

 

Even when i end it I don't know how to deal with my husband. I literally don't know how to look at him. I don't believe in telling him unless I have to. Right now I don't have to. But how do I go on?

[Amillionpieces]

No, the only benefit to telling the truth isn't just that your husband deserves to know. It's because you both deserve to find joy and happiness and your kids deserve happy parent who are either together or apart. If you end the affair and never tell your husband the truth then I don't think you will ever be happy in your marriage, nor will your husband ever be truly happy with you, although he won't know why exactly.

 

The secrets and lies will forever create a wall between you and there will never be true intimacy and you will forever carry around the ghost of the MM as your fantasy Mr. Right which your husband will never be able to compete with. By telling your husband the truth you will both get to decide which is the correct path to take going forward. Your husband may decide that he really loves you and wants to repair the marriage and when you see what he is willing to go through for you, it will take the shine off of your affair and you will see the MM for who he really is.

 

Your husband needs to know the truth but more importantly you need your husband to know the truth so that you can heal. You and your husband will either heal together or agree to divorce and heal separately, but even if you divorce at least you will be able to go forward without always being afraid that these skeletons will be discovered and your husband can move on knowing the full truth of his broken marriage instead of driving himself mad wondering what on earth is/was wrong with his marriage and his wife. The truth is what will set both you and your husband free from the bondage your affair is holding all of you in.

 

 

I thank you for this reply. Definitely food for thought.

[bathtub-row]

Telling your husband about the affair will only put him in a tailspin and hurt him like you can't imagine, for a very long time. I see no benefit in doing this. I know a lot of people disagree with me on this but the amount of pain affairs cause to the betrayed spouse is immeasurable. And, most of the time, when the BS does find out, there's so much upheaval and guilt that the couples often stay together. Your MM is nuts to suggest that it would be good to get caught. He has no idea the s---t storm that would create. The near D-day with his kids is a cake walk compared to what could really happen.

 

Everyone who says to tell him are assuming that he'd want to know about. Maybe he doesn't want to know. Have you ever considered that? Quite honestly, knowing what I know now, if I had a spouse who cheated on me but ended it and planned to stay with me, I would not want to know about the affair. Even if he left me, I wouldn't want to know about it.

 

The thing is, once that info is announced, there's no taking it back.

 

OP, this is why affairs are such a bad idea. They are hurtful to everyone, and they're so confusing. I know it's really hard to extract yourself from someone you feel so close to but it's the mature thing to do. It will take time to get past the pain but you will get past it.

 

And be assured that if I think someone is in a bad marriage, I will be the first to say walk away from it. In your case, I'm just not seeing the need or benefit in doing that. Sometimes, you need to look around you to gain perspective on your own life. I hope this helps.

[Amillionpieces]

I watch intervention and these mothers who have needles in their arms and lost their kids cry about being a good mother. I know that some of you are reading me like that but I assure you I AM a good mother. Bake sales, homemade Christmas ornaments, spend all my time with them when they're not in school.

 

My initial post mentioned that I am aware I am not 'present' mentally right now and that's a problem.

 

When this started I was ok. It's the mini d-days that did me in especially the last with his kid. I can not deal with what I am doing. I am here asking for help.

 

I end it tomorrow. Then what. How do 'I' recover from this? i need to recover from this FOR THEM. I just don't know how because I am so broken and lost.

 

I am definitely depressed. I am definitely having a midlife crisis. All of that.

[Amillionpieces]

Telling your husband about the affair will only put him in a tailspin and hurt him like you can't imagine, for a very long time. I see no benefit in doing this. I know a lot of people disagree with me on this but the amount of pain affairs cause to the betrayed spouse is immeasurable. And, most of the time, when the BS does find out, there's so much upheaval and guilt that the couples often stay together. Your MM is nuts to suggest that it would be good to get caught. He has no idea the s---t storm that would create. The near D-day with his kids is a cake walk compared to what could really happen.

 

Everyone who says to tell him are assuming that he'd want to know about. Maybe he doesn't want to know. Have you ever considered that? Quite honestly, knowing what I know now, if I had a spouse who cheated on me but ended it and planned to stay with me, I would not want to know about the affair. Even if he left me, I wouldn't want to know about it.

 

The thing is, once that info is announced, there's no taking it back.

 

OP, this is why affairs are such a bad idea. They are hurtful to everyone, and they're so confusing. I know it's really hard to extract yourself from someone you feel so close to but it's the mature thing to do. It will take time to get past the pain but you will get past it.

 

And be assured that if I think someone is in a bad marriage, I will be the first to say walk away from it. In your case, I'm just not seeing the need or benefit in doing that. Sometimes, you need to look around you to gain perspective on your own life. I hope this helps.

 

 

Thank you. I tend to agree. I don't want to hurt him like that. Rember we've been together since we were kids. 24 years on and I can't imagine how this would affect him. I have no idea how he'd react because I have nothing to base it on. If it seems that I have to tell him, I will.

[Amillionpieces]

I think you're making a huge mistake. No matter how much it hurts, you need to put a complete end to this potential mess, and love this guy from a distance. Even if that means leaving your job.

 

You have no idea what you have but you'll figure it out really quickly if your husband finds out. Despite his conversational flaws, it seems he has given you a very good life. I've been married 3 times and I never had a guy give me the type of life you have. If you lose that life, you will be deeply sorry and there will be no way to recover it.

 

I always say don't gamble unless you can afford to lose. Is this gamble worth what you're laying on the table?

 

 

Just wanted to respond. It doesn't matter at all but we are not well off. He doesn't 'provide' me a good life. I have a business I run from home and always have. I make as much as him or more depending on the year. I started working outside home when kids went to school because I have too much energy to stay home.

 

I don't care about money. But I don't want it assumed that I have been well provided for and never had to work. That's not the case.

[whichwayisup]

I do care about my kids. And his kids. I'm not flaunting weight loss, I'm a small person my weight is now in double digits. I'm a mess because of how I'm acting. It's showing in me physically and people around me who know me know SOMETHING is wrong. They just don't know what.

 

And your husband who knows you very well, knows something ain't right and more than likely suspects. He must notice your weight loss, notice your distance, notice that you're not into him sexually, that you are apprehensive.

 

I'm here looking for help or advice or whatever. I clearly can't do this. I vlearly am not cut out for this lifestyle. I'm a good person I really am and this is killing me.

 

Even when i end it I don't know how to deal with my husband. I literally don't know how to look at him. I don't believe in telling him unless I have to. Right now I don't have to. But how do I go on?

 

Go to counseling and fix yourself so you can heal in a healthy way.