Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[LilMama1097]

OP

It's killing me to see you here asking for advice and being insanely attacked and judged. With that said, I do not agree with cheating at all EVER! It's extremely selfish and irresponsible.

I know that you know this. You went into this blinded and wanting instant gratification but unfortunately you're now coming back to reality and facing the consequences.

I'm sure you beat yourself up more than any stranger on this forum can so skim through the crap talking, judgmental posts and pay attention to the ones with true advice.

1. End the affair NOW! The affair is the reason you're hurting and innocent spouses and children will be hurt. It's time to fix your mistakes and by not being selfish anymore you can.

 

2. Tell your husband. He deserves the respect of knowing and being given the chance to decide if he wants to continue the marriage because this is HIS life too!!

 

Focus on those two steps and they will help you and set you free. If you do not do those then you're choosing to be selfish and put your own desires before a bunch of innocent children and a man who SUPPORTED you for over a decade so you could have the luxury of being home with your children. You have a good husband and he deserves respect.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. I tend to agree. I don't want to hurt him like that. Rember we've been together since we were kids. 24 years on and I can't imagine how this would affect him. I have no idea how he'd react because I have nothing to base it on. If it seems that I have to tell him, I will.

 

You mean you'll only tell him if MM's wife is ready to give him a call? That's putting a lot of faith in someone (a BS who is very close to figuring out who you are), it's playing with fire.

 

You know your H and you must know how he feels about infidelity? And, you must know that him finding out (by you, or on his own, or by MM's wife) will turn his world upside down. go take a read in the infidelity section to see what the other side of the fallout is once there's a DDAY.

[lftbehind]

I don't think MM is leaving. I've never expected that.

 

I can't understand what Ive done and can't see how I stay in the marriage under the circumstances. It's not about breaking up the family for my guilt, it's about my husband. How can I stay?

 

Seriously. I need advice. How do I stay? How do I let him touch me? How do I look at him?

 

I'm trying to reconnect with my H also after an A. I think the only way to do that is to be out of the affair. I can't be close to my husband now, either and I don't know how to be close again. I would say not to tell H about your A, because I think that it would hurt him more and make things worse.

[lftbehind]

Really? I've been reading this forum for weeks. I'm being serious - how is this any worse? Reading has made me realize how it's all the same as every other story.

 

How is this worse? I really want to know.

 

And I do care about my family. Why else would I have lost 30 lbs in 6 months? Everyone I know is asking if I'm sick. I'm a ****ing mess here.

 

This story doesn't seem worse and it is similar to other stories. She is struggling with her situation and trying to get help.

[minnesotagirl]

Here's a thing you need to consider. You described these "mini D-Days" as such because you didn't get fully caught. Your affair wasn't fully exposed, your name wasn't sullied, your spouses didn't find out, you didn't get thrown under a bus, and you didn't have to stop your affair. You get to still be in the fog. You can wring your hands about going to practice and wonder how on earth to end this predicament you're in. In short: you can still be in the fantasy affair fog.

 

But those "mini" D-days were not mini to your MM's wife and child. To her, that was the day she found out her husband has been texting another woman behind her back. To her child, that was hours of observing dad texting another lady and intuitively knowing he isn't the dad he thought he was. That isn't "mini." It's mini to you and your affair partner because you didn't have to change much - except get some secret passwords, and tighten texting hours. But your world didn't change. Theirs already did. Mini D-days are not a mini thing to the people being betrayed.

[ShatteredLady]

Let me be completely honest...

 

I'm a betrayed wife. I can tell you that it's the worst pain imaginable....it truly shocked me how it felt! I'm a bit of a hippy liberal. I'm also a hapless romantic who 'worships' family like a cult religion.

 

Look around these forums & you will see that it's human pain that moves me. Ok, back to honesty, your pain does not compare to the pain of a completely blindsided, unconditional love, best friend kind of betrayed spouse....I don't say this lightly.

I read psychologists saying that adultery is 2nd only to death of a child. My only sibling, beloved big brother committed suicide. I'm NOT trying to destroy you. I'm trying to get you to understand the truth. IF your H finds out your feelings of self MUST go on hold.

 

I DON'T know much for sure. I'm still spinning & I'm pretty new to forums. I've realized that some hit you REALLY hard, trying to make you wake-up. Everyone was brought here for a reason so we all have a lot of bias.

 

There are lots of books, articles, standard advise. I get the logic but I'm still not convinced. Most will say "Tell your husband". I'm still on the fence about that. It's an unimaginable pain. From the 'other' point of view....how did you (I'm assuming you're STOPPING all contact right now) communicate with the OM? I found some emails between my H & his OW & would give so much to erase that knowledge from my mind "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".

 

There's this project management silly saying, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer is "One little bite at a time!". You're facing something overwhelming. Step 1. Send a very simple no contact message to the OM.

 

"I can not continue doing this. I do not want to ever communicate with you again for any reason. Please respect my wishes & never contact me again."

 

Stick to it! You can follow others struggles on this forum to help you.

 

Get past that bit. its going to be bloody hard. Step 1 has a way of sorting your mind. You're stuck....just get some momentum going!

 

(Most with not agree with things I've said. I'm not even 100% sure about things like disclosure. I just believe in "Bodies rest & motion", change begets change. Stop feeling crappy & frozen. Take the first step......

[ShatteredLady]

MinnesotaGirl Quote -

 

"But those "mini" D-days were not mini to your MM's wife and child. To her, that was the day she found out her husband has been texting another woman behind her back. To her child, that was hours of observing dad texting another lady and intuitively knowing he isn't the dad he thought he was. That isn't "mini." It's mini to you and your affair partner because you didn't have to change much - except get some secret passwords, and tighten texting hours. But your world didn't change. Theirs already did. Mini D-days are not a mini thing to the people being betrayed."

 

This is so very, very true! My entire concept of reality changed in one moment. I went into shock. I vomited until I was dry heaving. I didn't sleep or eat for DAYS at a time. I'm still shocked by the utter devastation....& that's just from the first "Mini d-day".

 

 

Note : Yours isn't even close to the worst of the stories posted here. Your pain is very redeeming. Just STOP! Please just STOP!

[Babs22]

This story doesn't seem worse and it is similar to other stories. She is struggling with her situation and trying to get help.

 

Amillionpieces,

 

I hear you and the pain you are in and I understand what you are going through. I too am married and in an affair with a married man. I know you are not the horrible person some of the posters here are accusing you of. I know that you are a mother who cares very much for her children and most likely you have poured every ounce of your being into caring for and raising your children. You have found yourself in a situation you never thought in a thousand years you would be in. I know it goes against everything you have probably ever believed in. You came here for some support, some advice and you have found some, but it has come with some fairly negative character attacks. You and I are not perfect, but we are not horrible people either.

 

This is obviously eating you alive and is not healthy for you at all. I agree with others that you need to end this affair because it is effecting you so negatively. I would hope your MM would feel the same way. He must also see what this is doing to you. Personally, I would not tell your H about your A because of how much pain it would cause him. However, if you think he might find out eventually due to the fact that MM's wife knows your name, you may want to tell your H before she does. Only you know what the chances of that are.

 

I have not ended my A and I have no plans on telling my H. Since I haven't myself come to any resolution about my A, I really don't have much advice to give. I just wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through. I do think that you should consider some individual counseling to help you work through this.

[minimariah]

How is telling husband going to fix anything?

 

you'll probably have another D - day & his wife will call your husband. you better be prepared!

 

p.s. your MM sounds super annoying -- caught in the act more than once and STILL won't either end the marriage or end the affair...? i'll never understand why folks do that. a D - day is your hint to make a big decision and stick with it, not to hide better!

[Marc878]

An affair is like an addiction. I highly doubt you'll be able to end this just on your own. It's like getting your high.

 

It also sucks the life out of your marriage and yes your home life for your kids.

 

Why, because all of the effort you're putting into your MM, thoughts, time, etc are taken away from your husband and family. Think about all the time you spend living this lie.

 

It will be devastating to not only your family but his as well. The MM's wife is already clued in somewhat. It only takes one slip up for it to all come crashing down.

[winterkeep]

Hi OP,

 

It can be hard to get objective advice here but you've been given good insight into the varied emotions on both sides of the affair experience.

 

I think that you're dealing with two issues, the primary being your uncertainty about your marriage. Even though it may not feel like it right now your affair is really your secondary issue. I like the metaphor used by another poster about eating an elephant in small bite, right now you're trying to swallow the whole thing which must be overwhelming.

 

If you were my friend this is the advice I'd give you. There is NOTHING wrong with realising that your spouse is not what you want for the remainder of your life, you are not "destroying a family" or any other nonsense. No one deserves to be stuck in a marriage they no longer want and doing so is grossly unfair to your husband and children who must suffer from your unhappiness.

 

But you do owe it to your husband and children to make sure that leaving your marriage is what you really want and to do that you need individual and marriage counselling and time away from MM.

 

If you leave it needs to be about you and not the MM, you won't be able to see this clearly while embroiled in the drama that your affair has seemingly become. Even the drama itself can become addictive as the lows create false highs (similar to what is frequently referred to as hysterical bonding) resulting in almost an artificial intimacy between you and MM. If you and your husband have been in a fairly even, yet predictable and boring state the intensity of the drama surrounding your affair is likely to make you question what you feel for him, but drama is not passion and it sure isn't love!

 

Consider setting a timeline to work on your marriage, even if it's initially just a month but to do it properly you need no contact with MM. It's probably best for his situation for awhile too, his wife is already suspicious and upset and as others point out this guy aint leaving on his own accord.

 

I kind of agree with the poster who recommends against telling your H, only you know your H and marriage well enough to know how he will handle it. I don't agree that in every situation you must disclose; not everyone wants to know or indeed can handle the truth. This is a personal decision, don't let anyone bully you into making the wrong one for you.

 

As far as your MM goes, he sounds rather weak. Regardless, he seems intent on remaining married so I think moving forward he should really be taken out of the equation. Like I said earlier though, small bites! He's not your primary concern so put him 'on the back burner' by going NC for a period while you work on understanding what you want for your marriage, hopefully you'll decide to make NC permanent decision.

 

This is really long so to summarise! Work out what you want with your husband first - but you need a period of NC with MM to do this!

 

Take care

[sandylee1]

I think some harsh words are coming your way OP. I think it's because of children being involved.... nobody wants to hurt kids.. yet so many in affairs do so... they just suppress their guilt and act like the MMs kids don't exist ... so I'm sorry that some are judging you as worse than themselves.

 

You aren't worse than anyone else here..so don't be made to feel that way.

 

You don't seem cut out for an affair... it's turned you into a mess and your health has suffered as a result. I see you struggle with it.. unlike some who compartmentalise and their aim is to get the MM from his wife ..... I do get that this isn't who or what you want to be and that you are disgusted by your actions....

 

So my suggestions are to :

 

- End the affair

- Get into counselling

- I'm not 100% sure on telling your H... but I fear it could come to him anyway.

 

So........ start keeping a journal as you get counselling.. with your thoughts.. your regrets for what you've done. ...how you feel about your husband..... how telling him frightens you.... and how you don't want to do it just to unburden yourself. Speak of your shame and disappointnent in yourself and how you want to be a mom your kids look up to.....You've said a lot of those things already in this thread ...... don't write about your sexual acts with the MM. It should be about you wanting to be a better person and placing your husband and children at the TOP of your priority list.

 

If there is ever a dday....... you can share your journal with him then ... so he can see what you were going through and how you regret and have remorse for it. He'll see how you hated what you did and that you sought counselling to better yourself and to never go down that road again.

 

MAKE SURE HE NEVER SEES THE JOURNAL BEFORE he needs to. It's for your healing ... it's your truth and it's to show that you love your family and can't believe you jeopardised them in this way.

 

Now..... if you still have attraction for your H and want to make your marriage work... you need to buckle down and start seeing the good in your husband and get that connection back.

 

Spice things up with him... be there emotionally and physically for him. If you want to be a wife he is proud of... then you need to put ALL your energy back into this marriage.

 

Besides your shame... do you want this marriage? Don't leave through shame.

[Ms. Faust]

This story doesn't seem worse and it is similar to other stories. She is struggling with her situation and trying to get help.

 

My hang up is the kid knowing something was up, and the lying that was involved to make it appear he was wrong. At least with others the children are either blissfully unaware, or know (and possibly support) the affair. It makes me wonder what the MM may have possibly said tonhis son to convince the kid he was seeing things.

 

In this case I think it is safe to say his son would NOT support the affair, and the OP's complacency lies in her willingness to continue the affair condone the blatant gaslighting of the kids.

 

Sorry, but I find it particularly appalling.

 

As to whether or not she should tell her husband, I am on the fence. If she chooses to stay married then I think she should tell to allow the BS the choice as well if he wants to stay married. If she decides to divorce then to it and be done.

As a whole I am of the camp that the BS should know. They have been robbed of so many choices, at least give them this one.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Ms. Faust
On my phone, sorry for typos

[Midwestmissy]

My wh told me upon confession (the a was over for several mos at this point, yet they still worked together - ew) that the mow got him, didn't judge him, made him happy, was a great listener. Blah blah blah. So hard to give that up! So easy to make me feel like a lesser person. I was so lacking.

 

After dday I contacted the bh to let him know. The mow wasn't too pleased and her mask slipped. The fact that both parties to the affair had been self serving became obvious - my wh thought he was using her, she thought she was using him, it took about 5 minutes for him to throw her under the bus, a few months for them to arrange her dismissal from the job, and 5 minutes after that the phone started ringing with clients wanting to return now that she was gone. Wh was humiliated and embarrassed. turns out she was a serial cheater and had made her way sexually through the industry. All the great listening, non judgement etc was just a means to an end for her. And wh thought he was in a nsa situation, conveniently hidden under "work". So he thought he was using her for adulation and believed all her compliments and fawning to be true. He was such a successful stud when he was with her. So dumb and shallow. If someone had told my wh During the affair what was to come, he would have arrogantly laughed - he was in control, no one was hurting, no one would find out, no consequences, no fall out. Their big thing to one another was that they were good people. They were just trying to convince themselves.

 

There was no bond or great friendship or intense true connection - if there had been, they would have walked away from their marriages as easily as they had walked into the affair. I mean, he demonized me and had such a connection with her, right? You will not look back on him fondly. And your husband knows something is up, and your kids will know. And they will tell their friends. And now several colleges and teachers know about the affair since my son wrote about it You need to accept that this is much bigger than you and him and it will become other people's story as well. And his wife will have no issues with throwing you under any bus that drives by. I told anyone who asked, I didn't want the shame to be mine. I told people in the industry what she had done, no jaws dropped, no shock, trust me. My husband was viewed as an idiot. You cannot control the outcome. You cannot control other's reactions. So get to a therapist now, because this baby will blow up, and since you are in such pain and distress now, it's because deep down you know how effed up this all is. You're telling yourself he's a great man because it's hard to accept that you're ruining lives for an idiot. But you are. You need good professional support.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Midwestmissy
Clarity

[Amillionpieces]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

 

I don't mind being given a hard time. I know I deserve that.

 

I just came back from the sport. He was there alone and tried to talk to me and I wouldn't. He followed me and I told him he needs to find a [prostitute] who doesn't mind being kept in a box because I am not her. He was saying 'it's not like that' and I said stop talking to me people can see you and I walked away. We've never really had a fight and I've never been like towards him so its definitely a turning point. I don't want him to contact me, I want to demonize him and be mad at him and keep realizing what an idiot I am.

Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Midwestmissy]

The fact that you're not rationalizing or making excuses is really good. You clearly have a conscience and the capacity for compassion and empathy.

[bathtub-row]

you'll probably have another D - day & his wife will call your husband. you better be prepared!

 

p.s. your MM sounds super annoying -- caught in the act more than once and STILL won't either end the marriage or end the affair...? i'll never understand why folks do that. a D - day is your hint to make a big decision and stick with it, not to hide better!

 

It's quite simple, really. People do it because of the deep connection they develop with the affair partner, and because of the loss of connection they have with their marriage partner.

 

I was in an affair with a MM, off and on, for 8 yrs. It was a VERY difficult thing to end. Even when his adult children found out, we backed off but not right away. There was somewhat of a defiant feeling in ending it for the kids because so much is already sacrificed for the kids.

 

I remember feeling that, as adults, that life is short and we should be able to have this one thing. Of course it doesn't work that way but I could tell that even MM didn't want to end it for them. And please don't even dream of suggesting that neither he nor I love our children enough. But, yes, them finding out was the catalyst to me ending it with him for good. I had ended it a number of times so it was bound to end at some point anyway.

 

xMM never threw me under the bus and told his kids that it was he who was to blame. He did tell me that he initially denied that we had an affair but I told him to not do that; they're not that dumb. They had discovered messages between us on Facebook - daily messages, where we wrote back and forth several times a day. It wasn't so much the content of those messages as it was the volume of them that was the dead giveaway.

 

The thing is, it was all just sad. His kids have since forgiven him because they basically worship the ground he walks on. They're crazy about him. And I'll always be glad that MM's wife never found out. We've all kept our mouths shut in that sense.

 

OP, you're not a lousy person. The only thing I would say is that you're playing with fire and you need to be aware that the longer you play with it, the more likely you are to get burned.

[georgia girl]

OP,

 

Only if this helps you to get clarity do I want you to read my post. Otherwise, I am not trying to hurt you. I was a teen when I found out my father had an affair. Not as quite by accident as it felt at the time. My mom was upset, my dad was morose and I had no idea what was so painfully wrong in my family. I felt unsafe, like my whole world was collapsing but I didn't know why. I became a mini investigator and deliberately overheard an argument. If things were bad before, they got astronimically worse. It was awful.

 

Here's what I thought: my dad was the most evil selfish man I knew. I hated him. I was just starting to like boys and sex was the biggest deal ever. I couldn't imagine my parents ever having sex, but to think of my dad having sex with another woman totally creeped me out. I didn't want him around me. If he could hurt me, my siblings and my mom that way, I couldn't love him anymore. I hated him and her with a passion I never thought I could feel and have never felt again. Granted, a child has very strong emotions.

 

Eventually, and I mean years later, my family has healed. Only through my dad making it up to my mom was I ever able to trust him again... And it's a fragile trust.

 

You are so close to destroying everything that really matters to you. You think it's this man, but it truly isn't. It's because right now you are focused on losing him so that seems like the bad part. Think for a little while about losing your whole life - your husband, kid's respect, your home, friends and family. Please allow that to motivate you.

 

As for how? Start sacrificing.'if you can't tell your husband - I think you should - then quit your job. There has to be consequences for selfish acts. Only then will you feel like you have made amends. Go strict and inflexible no contact. Never ever speak to him again. Then get counseling. You do need to mourn this loss, sort out your confusion and begin healing. You may also need to see your doctor to deal with situational depression.

 

Down the road, when you are out of the fog, you can deal with the state of your marriage and whether or not you want to be there or whether or not you should tell. But first things first - shut it down and start to heal.

 

As for your MM, I can only say this. Anyone who would hear about the fears of his own child - who was scared and trying to fight for his family's security by telling mom - and lie about and to him, is NOT in any way a man or a good man. I have been where that child was and what he did was so beyond the pale that I am so incredibly sorry for that child. There is something fundamentally wrong with someone who would do that to their own child.

[minimariah]

People do it because of the deep connection they develop with the affair partner, and because of the loss of connection they have with their marriage partner.

 

my question wasn't about people ending their affairs - it was about making a DECISION and sticking with it. it has nothing to do with deep connections or relationships (besides, literally everyone in every affair ever like to think that they had this really deep connection because otherwise -- it's super hard to swallow all that time wasted on nothing; what if the OP really doesn't have any special connection with the AP? and what happens if there comes a time when she'll realize that?) - but with one's character or level of comfort or fear of the unknown... keep going.

 

a D - day is supposed to be an event that will shake you up and force you to make a decision, force you to ACT... to DO. something, anything. doesn't really matter what will it be. instead - you have people who are literally behaving like dogs running around a single tree and chasing its tails. they refuse or they are unable to make a decision that will change something... with those people, usually the BS or the OW are the ones who decide about THEIR lives.

 

they won't end the affair but they won't work on their marriage either - so they have a D - day after a D - day without doing anything to make a difference. THAT's what's baffling. because... at one point, you just can't help but to wonder -- why aren't you doing SOMETHING to change things in your life?

 

Einstein's definition of insanity-- doing same things over and over again and expecting different results. that's what the OP's MM is doing right now.

 

And please don't even dream of suggesting that neither he nor I love our children enough.

 

here is the thing -- loving the children and doing what is TRULY in their best interest are two different things. so just because you behave in a way that is potentially damaging for your children (allowing your children to even be in a position where they're able to get a hint of your affair is one of those damaging ways), it doesn't mean that you don't love them. on the other hand... loving your children doesn't mean that you'll be a responsible parent - we are flawed humans, aren't we? we will make mistakes as parents and won't always do what's absolutely right.

 

so it's completely wrong to think in the - oh, it was so powerful that he couldn't end it... not even for his children - direction. it really has nothing to do with the children. we don't suddenly stop being our own people with our own needs when we become parents. when you're in a situation where you don't have ANY of your needs met - you literally need the affair to SURVIVE. and, to many, the affair actually helps them to be a BETTER parent - no matter how backwards that sounds. through the affair - their needs are met so they are happier and more focused. but when you allow your children to actually NOTICE something is wrong... to suspect of an affair... to check your personal messages? and then to gaslight them and to lie to them? can't call yourself a good parent. love has nothing to do with it.

 

it's especially awful when you allow your kids to keep the affair a secret from their mother.

that's a very hard burden to carry.

 

His kids have since forgiven him because they basically worship the ground he walks on. They're crazy about him.

 

something shifts when you find out about your parent having an affair -- it's invisible to the outsider. unless you know them personally - you can't really tell what is their relationship with their father REALLY like.

 

it doesn't have to be a bad thing either -- seeing your parent in their true light is sometimes a great thing because a "worshipping" relationship where your parents are you personal heroes and Gods is actually an extremely unhealthy one.

 

but something irrevocably shifts, changes... a little part just dies. sounds dramatic - but it's true. so you can be sure about one thing - that relationship is never the same... that's on the OP to prevent by either ending the marriage or the affair.

 

also, OP - let go of the entire "let me prove to you that i'm a good person" idea. you're exhausting yourself with it.

 

it is what it is. if it comforts you -- there aren't purely good or bad people. we all go back and forth between those two in our lives; truly good people and truly evil people are RARE. so you're as average as the rest of us are.

 

and something else - you'll find out the answer to all of your questions when you finally start to DO something. when you either end the affair or your marriage or go to counseling or tell your husband the truth... when you do that and when you make the first step forward - THEN you'll learn how to live and deal with it. some things we learn in walk... you know? it's wrong to try and figure out how to deal with things when you didn't even change what it makes you feel bad in a first place.

Edited January 2, 2016 by minimariah

[kgcolonel]

I don't think its my husband or his wife's fault. It's 100% our fault. But there are obviously problems in the marriages if we ended up here. There's no point in talking about those problems here because it's irrelevant to the current situation.

 

I'm VERY self aware here. It's all my fault. Problems or no problems husband doesn't deserve what I'm doing.

 

Wow....you say some of the right things but no substance behind it. I agree with you that the infidelity is ALL YOUR Fault, that is separate from the issues in your marriage. The resolutions to fix your marriage is jointly owned by good communication and lots of commitment......I see your commitment being very lacking in that instead of working continuously on the M you check out, make excuses about how he is not a talker etc.

 

YOU own the responsibility to fix the affair and stop cheating....

 

You never did comment to the question of how do you explain / feel or address that YOU ARE choosing the MM over your children? This is key. What would you not do for your kids? Would you donate a kidney or if given the choice take on an illness instead of them having to endure such? Then why can't you end a "childish" affair and recommit to your family, including your husband? Your MM is cheating on his family / wife....is this the model partner you want???

 

I am sorry to be so hard on you but I see this as fighting for your unsuspecting kids who are depending on a mother to teach them right from wrong and for your poor unsuspecting husband who can't fight for themselves.

 

I truly hope you do a bit of soul searching and recommit to the family.

[sandylee1]

I told him he needs to find a [prostitute] who doesn't mind being kept in a box because I am not her.

 

What exactly are you saying here? That you want to be out on show ? That you want to be with him and not a secret?

Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Amillionpieces]

One thing I don't understand from what's being said here ... About if it was a 'real' connection and love story that we'd have left already.

 

In a normal relationship it would take time to be sure that we are with the right person. Most people don't jump into marriage after a few months so why would we jump out of a marriage after a few months of an affair. Why would I throw away 24 years based on new feelings? MM is 16 years married, I wouldn't expect him to throw that away after a few months with me.

 

He is unhappy. I am unhappy. If we were to leave the marriages now a lot more people are unhappy and that doesn't seem fair. Better to be unhappy myself than to have my kids be unhappy.

 

I know that staying in this A will not make me happy. I'm happy when I'm with him and nobody here can convince me that he's using me or any of that. He listens to me talk and talk and everyone else in my life finds me too much. I'm too hyper I talk too much and I'm always keeping that in check for the benefit of the other person. But MM somehow enjoys me and yes it's very addicting. I'm not putting on a show for him and it's really a nice feeling to be myself. Most of our interactions are just talking. We're often at work so there is no physical in those situations. It's a genuine affection and connection. But those moments of happiness are becoming more and more overshadowed by the crushing shame.

 

I know the situation with his kid is very serious but I don't blame him for denying it in that moment. I don't know what else he could have done. He could have admitted it and ensured divorce. He doesn't want to hurt the kids with divorce any more than I do.

 

I'm not defending him or putting him on a pedestal. If I only know one thing it's that he is a cheating liar. But so am I!! So it's hard to demonize him. Neither of us looked for this, coffee breaks really got away from us before we realized what was happening.

 

When I told my husband a long time ago that I met him for coffee sometimes husband said 'that's fine, just make sure you're not being too flirty or giving the wrong idea to the guy'. His trust in me is blind and the fact that I abused that is painful to admit. I told him about coffee then because I already knew it was wrong. We were meeting every single day and I knew someone would see us so I told him we met 'from time to time'.

 

How to reconsile what I've done. Therapy is the easy answer but I can analyze myself. My father is a recent drug addict who I've not spoken to in 2 years, my parents divorced when I was young and childhood was difficult, my mother recently nearly died of cancer ... Lots of stuff going on that would make me vulnerable to some outside selfish attention. I don't need a therapist to tell me I was wrong, I don't need a therapist to tell me that MM is a guy very much like my father in personality. There's a lot I've already figured out except for the biggest thing ... How to get past it.

 

How to back to the life where everyone shushes me? It sounds stupid but I was very lonely and sad for many years.

 

I've ruined myself. It's not a pity party, it's the sad realization of the corner I've painted myself into.

 

One step at a time.

[Amillionpieces]

What exactly are you saying here? That you want to be out on show ? That you want to be with him and not a secret?

 

No. It's that he has to contact me because of how hyper aware his wife is. So he texts me first. It's a horrible feeling. It wasn't always like that, it's since the recent d-day. I feel like I'm in a box to be taken out for his amusement. He has spoke many times about how he also feels awful for that. We have each said a million times that when the other wants out we won't argue. But neither of us has pulled the plug.

[Amillionpieces]

i appreciate all the responses. Even the ones hard to hear. I knew by posting Id be opening myself up to criticism. It's ok. I deserve it.

[purplesorrow]

You have already thrown your marriages away, your spouses just don't know it yet. You love and put someone else before your husband. You are just using him as a safe place holder. Most new relationships don't start while you're still in another. Doesn't it make you wonder how you could so easily step away from your marriage but you're in turmoil just thinking of stepping away from your affair?