Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[Bittersweetie]

Two things:

 

Every day I hope MM tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore and he doesn't. It's really really hard for me.

 

You need to take your power back. Don't let MM control you, how your A ends, or your choices. You know what you need to do, end it for yourself. Sure it will be hard because you are currently addicted to this MM. But it is the first step you need to take to move through this mess that you have created in your life, the first step back toward personal integrity.

 

There must be people hat end it and it never gets discovered. Has to be.

 

I'm sure there are. Obviously here the stats are skewed because people here talk about As that have come out. In my case, my H didn't even live with me at the time of the A, my AP wasn't someone in any of my social/professional circles, so without the STD I probably could've never told him. However...in your case your odds are not good. MM's wife knows. She knows your name. Once she gets a face, and knows you are at the same sports games, knows you work with her H...it could get ugly. I'd lean toward thinking it's a matter of WHEN not IF in your case.

 

Have you considered counseling? I don't think I've seen an answer to that question from you...

[xxoo]

I don't want to ruin my kids. I don't want to ruin my husband. I don't want to ruin MM family. I just feel so over my head. I'm drowning.

 

The obvious first step would be to get out of the water that's drowning you. Stop cheating. Just end it.

 

Clarity will come with time. Right now, you are so immersed in a fantasy image of this man and your love that you can't see what's what. This guy is no fantasy husband. He's a cheater, and violent at that. A flawed human, just like the one you're already married to.

 

You want to feel good. You want escape. You want pleasure. You picked a really, really bad way to seek it and it could cost you everything you value most. The kids' security and lifestyle is a steep price to pay for mom's folly. Open your eyes and end it. The peace will come with time. Don't worry right now about telling or not telling. Just end it, then look at what you have to lose at home until you appreciate it and are willing to fight for it.

[Marc878]

I'm not trying to be on page 5 asking the sane questions. I'm reading every response and letting them sink in.

 

I know I'm wrong. I know I'm doing the wrong thing and making the wrong choices. The thing is before this I never lied to husband. Ever. The fact that I can now do it so easily is shaking everything I thought I knew about myself.

 

YOU are better than this.

[minimariah]

I come from a broken home and I had a difficult childhood. I swore Id never do that no matter what. So the fact that I'm tempting that fate is a hard pill to swallow.

 

and this is why therapy is needed - not to tell you WHY you did what you did... but to help you cope with the situation & so you can learn how to forgive yourself.

 

if you divorce - that doesn't mean that you'll end up like your mother. it doesn't mean that your kids will be unhappy, it doesn't mean that you'll suffer for the rest of your life because of it. don't think about divorce as some kind of death penalty - it's much harder in your head than it is in real life.

 

because people DO move on after the divorce and they do lead happy lives. and kids adjust well. it's all very possible, you don't have to hold on to the marriage that makes you unhappy because you're scared that this divorce will be the end of you or that you'll do your parents mistakes.

 

you're not living your authentic life and you're faking it with almost everyone. why is your MM the only person you allow yourself to be YOU? that's unhealthy. why do you try so hard to please others?

[sandylee1]

There are loads of people who end A's and never get discovered... Some take it to their graves. Some BSs find out after their WSs death. One BH found out after his wife died from cancer and his son was in a near fatal accident.. except it wasn't HIS SON ... DNA proved otherwise when some tests where required during that emergency.

 

Now I think you have two sensible choices to make..

 

Talk to your H about the type of marriage you would like and seek MC. Start working on reconnecting..date nights... courting each other and making it work

 

OR

 

Get divorced

 

You can't carry on like this.

 

I didn't have an affair.. but I'd say my H and I lost the connection some years ago. It took a lot to bring it back. I'd say I did most of the work. ..but there was blame on both sides for the state of things. I did so much reading online and books and I turned things around completely.

 

It's easy to see faults when you're unhappy, but I reminded myself why I married him and some things I saw as negative about him... in many ways I'm also very grateful for.

 

I told him recently that I thought we'd be divorced by now...considering how things were going. At a point we didn't argue....but we communicated very poorly. Just doing our own thing. That's not the marriage I wanted my kids to see.... so now I know they see two loving parents... who work as a team and they know what a healthy marriage looks like. If you don't want a divorce ... then start rolling up your sleeves and do what you need to for an improved marriage.

[Amillionpieces]

and this is why therapy is needed - not to tell you WHY you did what you did... but to help you cope with the situation & so you can learn how to forgive yourself.

 

if you divorce - that doesn't mean that you'll end up like your mother. it doesn't mean that your kids will be unhappy, it doesn't mean that you'll suffer for the rest of your life because of it. don't think about divorce as some kind of death penalty - it's much harder in your head than it is in real life.

 

because people DO move on after the divorce and they do lead happy lives. and kids adjust well. it's all very possible, you don't have to hold on to the marriage that makes you unhappy because you're scared that this divorce will be the end of you or that you'll do your parents mistakes.

 

you're not living your authentic life and you're faking it with almost everyone. why is your MM the only person you allow yourself to be YOU? that's unhealthy. why do you try so hard to please others?

 

The last part is a very good question. I just am always acting. Like I said I'm very loud and sarcastic and talk a lot. These have always been 'negative' qualities and I suppress it. Always. Since childhood. when I had young kids all that energy was useful but with adults i suppress it. I can't explain it. With MM I don't suppress it and at the beginning it made me feel really good because I realized that maybe I'm not the most annoying person in the world afterall. In the beginning when I had planned to end it with him and told him that I was so grateful to have made that realization. I'm still grateful for that but it's now overshadowed by these other negative thoughts.

[Friskyone4u]

Telling your husband about the affair will only put him in a tailspin and hurt him like you can't imagine, for a very long time.

 

If this affair was over years ago, the above might make some sense. But what do you think is going to happen is you continue to have sex with this OM for months or years and then your husband finds out??? You think there will be no hurt.

 

The overwhelming amount of information out there in literature states that your chances of saving your marriage INCREASE if you confess rather than if he finds out some other way. You are already swimming upstream because the same literature and books also say that mosr marriages do not survivie when the female is the wayward spouse.

 

You obviously are troubled enough by this already that you are posting here. You really want to live like this playing your husband and living a secret life for years more.

 

And by the way, when your husband finds out, the fact that you have told him about this guy is going to make him feel more emasculated and stupid for missing the red flags right in front of him.

 

You might want to investigate the results when long term affairs are discovered rather than confessed. That does not mean you will stay married. There is no easy way out of this. You already know that.

[minimariah]

I just am always acting. Like I said I'm very loud and sarcastic and talk a lot. These have always been 'negative' qualities and I suppress it. Always.

 

well, that's a start!

 

take a "break" from the affair for a second - start with one problem at a time. don't overwhelm yourself with negative feelings.

 

you write that you're loud & sarcastic and talk a lot -- why would those be negative qualities...? sounds like you're a fun & outgoing person. why not think about yourself in a good way? why not embrace those qualities?

 

did your husband ever directly tell you that you were annoying or that you needed to "shut up" or something along those lines? did your friends do it?

 

you said you had nothing in common with your husband - is there anything you could start doing together... i don't know, tennis or something? one thing you think both of you will be interested in. anything you can think of - why not use that as some kind of start to form a stronger bond with your husband?

 

people do gain some GREAT stuff from the affair - so you can appreciate the good stuff you learned from this affair (to accept yourself and realize what exactly you're unhappy about) while recognizing your mistakes at the same time. the role of a (good) therapist is to show you little tricks how to cope and deal with your own self and how to connect with people in a REAL way.

 

i feel like there is a wall between you and other people you want to get close to but your MM was the only one who kind of climbed over it.. which is why this affair is so much more addicting. so try to make your other relationships strong. with your friends, husband... try to be YOU around them more and more. that way, you'll put the pressure off your affair & remove the "special" label when it comes to you being authentic. it is absolutely EXHAUSTING always trying to control yourself and hide your real character in an effort to appear more this or more that. you just had to "crack" somewhere and i think it was a HUGE part of why you had the affair in the first place.

[minnesotagirl]

With MM I don't suppress it and at the beginning it made me feel really good because I realized that maybe I'm not the most annoying person in the world afterall. In the beginning when I had planned to end it with him and told him that I was so grateful to have made that realization. I'm still grateful for that but it's now overshadowed by these other negative thoughts.

 

Quoting this because it's so, so important. In affairs, we get infatuated with another person. Infatuation is actually falling in love with ourselves, through someone else's eyes. Almost everyone in an affair is actually falling in love with the idealized version of what they'd like to be: interesting, sexy, intelligent, charming, successful, happy. It's the essence of affair fogs. This is where therapy is going to be incredibly useful. You strike me as someone who is self-aware, but is so far in the fog that you don't realize at all the effect the affair is having on you, besides the obvious turmoil. You're going to need a lot of help sorting this out, and I can foresee a good amount of situational depression for you after going NC, if you're already losing 30 lbs and crying during sex with your husband. I would not end this affair without a therapist.

[minnesotagirl]

And honestly - I WAS you a bit over a year ago. Totally overwhelmed, lost all my agency somehow, so far from my ethical standards, a mom myself, in love with this guy, unsure and freaking out, just a hot mess. We had a "mini" D-day too. I just relate to your post a lot. Maybe that's why I'm coming on strong with my advice here to go NC, to take your agency and power back, to remake your life into whatever you want. I see my former self in you - I wish I could take you out for a drink or three.

 

It's gonna be okay. But you can't keep this up, you'll go bonkers and/or lose everything.

[Amillionpieces]

well, that's a start!

 

take a "break" from the affair for a second - start with one problem at a time. don't overwhelm yourself with negative feelings.

 

you write that you're loud & sarcastic and talk a lot -- why would those be negative qualities...? sounds like you're a fun & outgoing person. why not think about yourself in a good way? why not embrace those qualities?

 

did your husband ever directly tell you that you were annoying or that you needed to "shut up" or something along those lines? did your friends do it?

 

you said you had nothing in common with your husband - is there anything you could start doing together... i don't know, tennis or something? one thing you think both of you will be interested in. anything you can think of - why not use that as some kind of start to form a stronger bond with your husband?

 

people do gain some GREAT stuff from the affair - so you can appreciate the good stuff you learned from this affair (to accept yourself and realize what exactly you're unhappy about) while recognizing your mistakes at the same time. the role of a (good) therapist is to show you little tricks how to cope and deal with your own self and how to connect with people in a REAL way.

 

i feel like there is a wall between you and other people you want to get close to but your MM was the only one who kind of climbed over it.. which is why this affair is so much more addicting. so try to make your other relationships strong. with your friends, husband... try to be YOU around them more and more. that way, you'll put the pressure off your affair & remove the "special" label when it comes to you being authentic. it is absolutely EXHAUSTING always trying to control yourself and hide your real character in an effort to appear more this or more that. you just had to "crack" somewhere and i think it was a HUGE part of why you had the affair in the first place.

 

Yes OMG yes to all of this.

 

Husband can't talknto me. Always shushing me and so on. My mother is the same. But husband doesn't 'like' me, my parents don't 'like' me. I've been told to 'settle down' my whole life.

 

This is all very interesting. I'm so thankful I posted.

 

None of this psychobabble has anything to do with the right or wrong of my situation but it somehow helps to understand the why.

[Midwestmissy]

Wow! Minnesota girl - I think you nailed it. My husband fell in love with himself when he was with the mow.

 

That's a fascinating perspective. And in a day when I feel so less than, it's so helpful. His neediness overtook his marriage and kids. He says I'm so strong so that I could handle his ridiculous needs and still manage.

 

Thank you for the insight.

[privategal]

Confess, go NC and your a horrible spouse and parent. You'll finally get exhausted and either not come back to boards or read silently just to learn and not comment/post anymore.

Sorry you were so beat up here, it was brutal to read. You aren't alone, your gonna be ok...if you are ready and willing you can end with grace by a healthy expression of wanting your marriage to be better and your guilt to end.

In some cases it may be discovered. Not all by s long shot. Another Bs's horror story will not become yours, just know your risks. You will decide your plan, your time, and this wont end your life and happiness. Wasn't it 1.7 mil on Ashley Madison. It says monogamy remains a worldwide challenge. Im not an affair advocate just no room to judge and learned 1st hand the power it takes over you. Its not inescapable but you have to want out and be ready and stay calm and not lose yourself in greif but rather stay steady and know at your core you are still a good loving mom and human and you meant no harm toward your spouse and got in over your head. Hugs.

Edited January 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up ~ V

[farsidejunky]

How can the truth fix anything. Really. If I've 'escaped' this far isn't it best to keep this to myself? How is telling husband going to fix anything?

 

I know the theory that he deserves to know the truth but if I end it and move on isnt that better?

 

This assumes I can get over my issues which I do believe I can but right now I'm very far from that.

 

He is a good man. Does a good man deserve the truth?

 

Of course he does; your self preservation is more important than telling him the truth.

[Robert]

Folks, stopping by for a moderation statement. Let's keep things on topic and helpful to the OP. As always, these topics can be intense....but our responses on a delicate situation do not need to be.

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

[pacific_vibrations]

the judgment here is unnecessary. the OP came looking for help and guidance. best of luck, OP. people sometimes make mistakes with their emotions... none of us are perfect. it's how we deal with our mistakes that defines us.

[malvern99]

Thank you. I tend to agree. I don't want to hurt him like that. Rember we've been together since we were kids. 24 years on and I can't imagine how this would affect him. I have no idea how he'd react because I have nothing to base it on. If it seems that I have to tell him, I will.

 

I've lost count of how many times I have heard some variation of this phrase from wondering spouses. It just boggles my mind. The rationalization hamster must be working overtime! So, telling your spouse about the affair would hurt him so much you couldn't bear it, but actually having the affair, and continuing to be in it is tolerable? The fact is your actions have already destroyed your spouse and family. The poor souls just don't know it yet. They are currently living in a fantasy land that could be destroyed at any second, and that is just unspeakably cruel.

 

As many people have stated, the truth will set you free. The adult thing to do is to sit your spouse down and tell him the truth regardless of the consequences. That is the least a person can do for someone they respect. What would you expect your spouse to do if the roles were reversed? How would you feel about it? Walk a mile in his shoes and then decide. Good luck to you.

[goodyblue]

The last part is a very good question. I just am always acting. Like I said I'm very loud and sarcastic and talk a lot. These have always been 'negative' qualities and I suppress it. Always. Since childhood. when I had young kids all that energy was useful but with adults i suppress it. I can't explain it. With MM I don't suppress it and at the beginning it made me feel really good because I realized that maybe I'm not the most annoying person in the world afterall. In the beginning when I had planned to end it with him and told him that I was so grateful to have made that realization. I'm still grateful for that but it's now overshadowed by these other negative thoughts.

 

I am curious... do you feel your loud and sarcastic behavior is a defense mechanism?

 

I tend to be the same but have learned to reign it in. For me, it is about not letting anyone know how I am really feeling. Is it the same for you? I don't do that much any more as I am comfortable in my own skin, but it took a long time to recognize what I was doing. I think your observation is a good thing!

[Amillionpieces]

I am curious... do you feel your loud and sarcastic behavior is a defense mechanism?

 

I tend to be the same but have learned to reign it in. For me, it is about not letting anyone know how I am really feeling. Is it the same for you? I don't do that much any more as I am comfortable in my own skin, but it took a long time to recognize what I was doing. I think your observation is a good thing!

 

 

 

Sure it can be. Like I said, rarely am I not acting.

 

 

I'm sure it's some psychology about how I 'let' him, but MM somehow cracked all my masks off right away. It is very wonderful and horrible this relationship.

[Dela]

hello

 

i ve been reading your thread.

 

i am the OW for a MM also (or was, i m not sure yet)... his wife just found out about us AFTER A YEAR of having no clue... she didn t dump him (yet, or she will or not)... my opinion is to tell your husband about it. he will find out and it s not gonna be good for u. and you MM is married and his wife will know, everyone will know. i am single so there s no ruining life for me so bad...

but in your case, there are 2 families involved.

 

your husband might be more forgiving if YOU are the one telling him and try to either fix your marriage or get out of it. staying married for the wrong reasons is not good for u. u can divorce and find a good man (your MM or another man)

 

think of it this way. if your H or MM wife find out from another sources, there will be a huge mess and if u really want to have a chance with this MM if u both divorce, U don t need a MESS. u and him will be trashed from everyone s family and the kids will hate u.

 

please consider telling your husband. my MM s wife found out and he s still at home.. so he may forgive u...

 

also, if your MM s wife will really find out about the A, that s the time u will see how this man turns 180 and he s throwing u away in a heartbeat.

don t put too much trust in what he s saying. think about yourself and your marriage and kids. if your A comes out to light, u will see another face of your MM that u will not like.

u have too much to lose.

 

best of luck

Edited January 3, 2016 by Dela
wrong word

[Amillionpieces]

hello

 

i ve been reading your thread.

 

i am the OW for a MM also (or was, i m not sure yet)... his wife just found out about us AFTER A YEAR of having no clue... she didn t dump him (yet, or she will or not)... my opinion is to tell your husband about it. he will find out and it s not gonna be good for u. and you MM is married and his wife will know, everyone will know. i am single so there s no ruining life for me so bad...

but in your case, there are 2 families involved.

 

your husband might be more forgiving if YOU are the one telling him and try to either fix your marriage or get out of it. staying married for the wrong reasons is not good for u. u can divorce and find a good man (your MM or another man)

 

think of it this way. if your H or MM wife find out from another sources, there will be a huge mess and if u really want to have a chance with this MM if u both divorce, U don t need a MESS. u and him will be trashed from everyone s family and the kids will hate u.

 

please consider telling your husband. my MM s wife found out and he s still at home.. so he may forgive u...

 

also, if your MM s wife will really find out about the A, that s the time u will see how this man turns 180 and he s throwing u away in a heartbeat.

don t put too much trust in what he s saying. think about yourself and your marriage and kids. if your A comes out to light, u will see another face of your MM that u will not like.

u have too much to lose.

 

best of luck

 

If this blows up its every man/woman for themselves. MM and I know that. I don't expect anything else.

[Dela]

If this blows up its every man/woman for themselves. MM and I know that. I don't expect anything else.

 

ok then, just tell your H how u feel about your marriage and go MC. try to fix it

u sound like my MM. u don t wanna fix your M, u don t wanna confess, u don t wanna divorce BUT u don t wanna lose your MM... so you d rather have the A going and not change anything.

yes, u sound like my MM exactly

[kgcolonel]

Sure it can be. Like I said, rarely am I not acting.

 

 

I'm sure it's some psychology about how I 'let' him, but MM somehow cracked all my masks off right away. It is very wonderful and horrible this relationship.

 

Amillionpieces, I have been hard on you and if I was too hard, I sincerely apologize for that. My concern was that there was a fog / rationalization happening and as many others posted, a betrayed spouse is easily picked apart in an attempt to rationalized the A. One consideration I would like to see you take is to understand the reason your MM was able to crack the masks is that the stakes were much lower....if he did not like what he saw, so be it....this was not your H and not your friend or social group or family....so you could more easily have moved on in the beginning. This is identical to candy for a child. I believe you know this is not good for you and yet you crave the candy rather than the vegatables.....I hope this makes sense. The next step is to truly be brave and end the A and go completely NC.

 

Once the A is over, then you can seek IC to determine the value in a confession.

[Midwestmissy]

My wh doesn't like who he was (in hindsight) with the mow. He now sees that if she had genuinely cared for him, and he for her, they wouldn't have let eachother do such stupid things and behave so horribly.

 

You're not your true self with him, unless your true authentic self is a lying, anxious, anorexic (due to stress) mess. I think you're in such pain because you're not a sociopath, and you know that nothing good will come from a relationship based on deceit and causing innocent people untold anguish. I wish my wh had come to me at the point where you are now. I would have helped him make decisions. Actually, strike that, I would have been able to make decisions for me and my family with actual facts. Instead, he ended the affair and covered his shame by blaming me until the truth was out. And I'm most bitter about the time he lied to me after the affair had ended. It was so awful and confusing, and my kids suffered from my being mentally abused by the lies.

 

Sometimes not making a decision IS the decision. It's also on page 1 of the cheater manual since conflict avoidance is often the road right into the affair. You can no longer control what happens. So trying to stop all the bleeding you anticipate is futile. But you can be honest, and the ugly truth is better than years of pretty lies.

Edited January 3, 2016 by Midwestmissy
Clarity

[georgia girl]

I know we have encouraged you before, but I would like you to again consider counseling. It isn't that you are not inuitive or somehow don't understand, but counseling can help you sort out your feelings and thoughts in a safe, quiet and confidential environment. It will help you determine if you love MM or the thought of who you are with MM. It will help you see if you love your husband or if you just have warm thoughts for him. It will help you choose a path - to tell, to end the marriage, to end the affair, etc. And when it comes to finally dealing with others' emotions - if the A gets discovered or you tell - you will have the emotional skill sets to help others navigate this rough terrain,'particularly your children's terrain.

 

Your life is not ruined and you are not a horrible person. But you are lost and alone. I would wager that is why you came here. Unfortunately, none of us - despite our advice and experiences - are really qualified to help you. A counselor can do that well. Please consider it for your own sake as well as for your girls. The more emotionally stable you are, the better you can handle the entire situation.

 

Hugs, GG