Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[Rainbowlove]

One more thing...you are not ruined. You are temporarily broken. Your spirit and soul can heal, but you have to do the hard work first.

 

You are still you underneath all the chaos and ugliness.

[Popsicle]

Stopping and ending it is a process. It took me a long time to get to the point of ending it myself. There are things you need to process sometimes. But just know that the longer you wait, the higher the risk of him ending it with you first and the higher the chance that your H and kids will find out. Both of which will be devastating for you.

[Popsicle]

I hope you get to the point where you tone down how highly you think of MM and ramp up how highly you think of your H.

[Amillionpieces]

Stopping and ending it is a process. It took me a long time to get to the point of ending it myself. There are things you need to process sometimes. But just know that the longer you wait, the higher the risk of him ending it with you first and the higher the chance that your H and kids will find out. Both of which will be devastating for you.

 

Him ending it would not be devastating. I feel like one of us has to be strong enough to end it, and right now that is not me.

 

Families finding out would be devastating. Yes.

[Rainbowlove]

Him ending it would not be devastating. I feel like one of us has to be strong enough to end it, and right now that is not me.

 

Hopefully, therapy will help you get there sooner rather than later.

 

From a point of view with experience, the pain you feel now thinking of ending it pales in comparison to the pain you will feel when all is revealed and you are fully exposed...and the end will come anyway.

 

It's best to get strong to end it yourself.

 

Then come clean to your H.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this god awful experience.

[malvern99]

OP, I hope you do not get overly upset by people who are frank in giving you advice. Think of it this way, and it may not make a difference to you, but why would these strangers take time of their day to post on your thread if it was not to help you?

 

People have seen enough of such stories like yours to be able to give you a general idea of the future you are setting for yourself. While you are still deep in your A, you may feel your situation is unique. Do not believe that for 1 second. Your A is not some sort of unique special snowflake or some tragic love story nixed by the callous gods called reality and circumstance. Drag it out into the sunlight, remove your rose tinted glasses and you will see it for what it truly is.

 

Your messages are a little mixed, and therefore confusing. You seem to want to end it, but at the same time you want to keep it going. You may not say it explicitly, but your actions speak louder than your words. If you truly wanted to end it because regardless of your feelings for POS you know it is the right thing to do for you (I mean, look at how the deception and double life has affected you physically and mentally), you would follow advice that has been given to you countless times.

 

1. Sit your H down and fess up to any new betrayals. It's time to put your big girl panties on and do what needs to be done. This is life. You will eventually have to pay the piper at some stage, why not get out in front of it and take control of at least this part of the song. Granted, once you fess up, you will completely lose control of the fallout, but at least you will be able to hold your head up knowing you did the right thing.

2. Contact OBS and fess up too. She at least deserves to know she is not crazy.

3. Go completely NC. Quit your job.

4. Decide if you want to stay with your H or not. If you do, commit to doing the work that it will take to rebuild your M from scratch. If you decide not to, that is fine as well. What is unacceptable is the idea of keeping both men in your life to the detriment of your family.

 

Good luck.

[Rainbowlove]

Here's some advice to the OP.

 

Take what you need in terms of advice from people and leave the rest.

 

The back and forth inconsistencies of the thread starter are par for the course in these situations.

 

It's normal for her to feel crushed over the idea of ending her affair. Sorry to say, but she's human, has feelings, and they matter. Even if the affair is wrong, her heart (or so she thinks now) is in it.

 

Until all hell breaks loose and the affair blows up, that's where she'll remain.

 

Stuck in this hell on earth situation.

Edited January 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[awkward]

She thinks something is going on but no proof.

 

How difficult is it going to be for her to find the proof? Is it there and all she has to do is look or does he have a burner phone and only emails from the office?

 

I think you made the right step in starting therapy. Please consider telling your husband the truth. His wife is probably gathering her evidence now and will likely share it with your husband. It will be a horrible way for him to find out and probably the hardest to forgive.

[whichwayisup]

The affair is not over. I've been keeping a bit of distance this week but it's certainly not over.

 

I made next appointment for next week. Id like to go every day but I can't afford that.

 

Are you ready to end the affair?

 

Just keep going once a week. Keep a daily journal too, helps to get your thoughts and feelings down on paper.

[Amillionpieces]

How difficult is it going to be for her to find the proof? Is it there and all she has to do is look or does he have a burner phone and only emails from the office?

 

I think you made the right step in starting therapy. Please consider telling your husband the truth. His wife is probably gathering her evidence now and will likely share it with your husband. It will be a horrible way for him to find out and probably the hardest to forgive.

 

There is no proof. No social media no emails. We text via iMessage and always deleted. Proof will come from the wrong someone seeing us having coffee or something like that. After reading these forums I've become paranoid about VAR in the car but as for proof already existing it's not there. Obviously I worry that she's on a warpath that neither of us realize but there is no proof as of this moment. I have no doubt that people at work prob notice how close we are and things like that but there is no proof.

 

 

I don't want to end it. But I know I have to. That's why I'm so messed up. I feel like a drug addict who knows better but keeps doing it.

[kgcolonel]

There is no proof. No social media no emails. We text via iMessage and always deleted. Proof will come from the wrong someone seeing us having coffee or something like that. After reading these forums I've become paranoid about VAR in the car but as for proof already existing it's not there. Obviously I worry that she's on a warpath that neither of us realize but there is no proof as of this moment. I have no doubt that people at work prob notice how close we are and things like that but there is no proof.

 

 

I don't want to end it. But I know I have to. That's why I'm so messed up. I feel like a drug addict who knows better but keeps doing it.

 

Amillionpieces.....actually this is great progress! You're beginning to see things as they are instead from behind the affair goggles....keep up the self awareness and the therapy...therapy will provide you a safe place to express your feelings with someone who can help you sort them into healthy and beneficial and otherwise. It will also help you if at some time choose to reveal your affair to your H. Consider it a safe place for you to be you. This is similiar to your earlier expression of being yourself and no one telling you to "shush"....if you find that you don't connect with the therapist, don't quit on therapy, but find one that you do connect with....they all have different styles and approaches / specialties.

 

We all here at LS wish you and your Family the very best!!!!

[malvern99]

What is your end game OP? What in your eyes qualifies as a satisfactory resolution for all parties involved? Maybe people can help you better if they have a clearer picture of what you want.

[Amillionpieces]

What is your end game OP? What in your eyes qualifies as a satisfactory resolution for all parties involved? Maybe people can help you better if they have a clearer picture of what you want.[/QUOTe]

 

I want to not get caught from this A. I want to win the lottery so I can get a divorce and buy a house down the street so the kids are happy. I want the tension in my house to go away.

 

I looked at old photo albums today trying to inspire me to do the right thing. I have millions of photos of me and the kids and I was happy. I was always happiest with a baby on hip. It was always me and the babies and I was happy even though some of those photos are during my separation. I won an important award for some of my work in my business and I bought a new skirt. Pictures of me and my mother dressed up because husband didn't want to go. Honest to god there are no pictures of me Nd husband except one concert of my favourite band - that was 10 years ago. Looking at the albums only made me realize how depressed I am today. I don't have the joy that exists in those photos. Something has died in me and it died before the A.

 

I want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy.

Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LBlanc]

... Honest to god there are no pictures of me Nd husband ....

 

Was your husband not the one taking the pictures?

[Amillionpieces]

Was your husband not the one taking the pictures?

 

No. He wasn't. I take all the pictures here, he doesn't even know how to use a camera.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Amillionpieces

[malvern99]

It's good to see you still have a sense of humor.

 

If you play with fire and gasoline in your house for long enough, it really only is a matter of time before you burn it down to the ground. I do not think anyone can help you not get caught. That just comes down to blind luck, and as I am sure you know, lady luck can be a fickle mistress.

 

If your behavior is the driving force behind the tension in your household, then only you have the power to make that tension go away.

 

Looking at pictures is all well and good. Just remember that those pictures are mere snapshots in time. I forget how long you have been married, but if your reality was always so bad, why did you not end your M? People do it all time. Problems arise in every M, and partners in a M share the responsibility for those problems 50 50. We only have your version of events of the past, and I am sure if we had access to your BH's thoughts, he would also have his own complaints and resentments about you. There are always two sides to every story. Your BH may not have been with you everywhere, but if I remember correctly, you said you were a SAHM for a while, so I am guessing he was out winning the bread for the family. In any case, people wrapped up in affairs tend to rewrite their marital history in order to justify their behavior.

 

When it comes to happiness, the simple truth is that every person's happiness comes from within them. Outside factors can make you happy for a while, but true happiness comes from within. Tying your own happiness to other people or things is a recipe for disaster that will leave you perpetually unhappy. You are responsible for your happiness, just like your BH is responsible for his own happiness.

 

No one here has the right to tell you to D or R with your BH. That decision is yours and solely yours. What people can do though is give you a look at your situation from an uninvested outside perspective. They can tell you what works and what doesn't, and they tend to be honest because we are all internet strangers. They can look at your situation and tell you where it is going to end up. That is what I meant by wisdom in my earlier post. They have seen it all.

 

In my humble opinion, you are totally missing the forest for the trees. Your priorities are out of whack. Every second you waste on OM is one you will never get back. The world will keep on spinning and you will be perpetually stuck in the vicious circle of your own making. You are too busy chasing the feelings that OM gives you to notice, and that is a tragedy, because you know that there is nothing there. I know you know because you came here looking for help. If the POS was all that and a bag of chips, you would have divorced your BH and run to OM when he gave you the chance. You wouldn't need help. That is what is so sad about your situation and what compelled me to comment. You know what needs to be done, but you lack the courage. There is no shame in that. What you need to do is hard, but the truth shall set you free.

 

I would normally never get involved, but something about your frenzied posts spoke to me. You weren't remorseful, but at least you acknowledged the insidiousness of your behavior. That honestly still gives me hope that you will find the courage to do the right thing at some point. I just hope for your sake it will not be too late.

 

Once you do figure out what a perfect end game is be sure to let people know. They will help guide you to ultimate objective. Just out of curiosity, do you still love your BH?

[Amillionpieces]

It's good to see you still have a sense of humor.

 

If you play with fire and gasoline in your house for long enough, it really only is a matter of time before you burn it down to the ground. I do not think anyone can help you not get caught. That just comes down to blind luck, and as I am sure you know, lady luck can be a fickle mistress.

 

If your behavior is the driving force behind the tension in your household, then only you have the power to make that tension go away.

 

Looking at pictures is all well and good. Just remember that those pictures are mere snapshots in time. I forget how long you have been married, but if your reality was always so bad, why did you not end your M? People do it all time. Problems arise in every M, and partners in a M share the responsibility for those problems 50 50. We only have your version of events of the past, and I am sure if we had access to your BH's thoughts, he would also have his own complaints and resentments about you. There are always two sides to every story. Your BH may not have been with you everywhere, but if I remember correctly, you said you were a SAHM for a while, so I am guessing he was out winning the bread for the family. In any case, people wrapped up in affairs tend to rewrite their marital history in order to justify their behavior.

 

When it comes to happiness, the simple truth is that every person's happiness comes from within them. Outside factors can make you happy for a while, but true happiness comes from within. Tying your own happiness to other people or things is a recipe for disaster that will leave you perpetually unhappy. You are responsible for your happiness, just like your BH is responsible for his own happiness.

 

No one here has the right to tell you to D or R with your BH. That decision is yours and solely yours. What people can do though is give you a look at your situation from an uninvested outside perspective. They can tell you what works and what doesn't, and they tend to be honest because we are all internet strangers. They can look at your situation and tell you where it is going to end up. That is what I meant by wisdom in my earlier post. They have seen it all.

 

In my humble opinion, you are totally missing the forest for the trees. Your priorities are out of whack. Every second you waste on OM is one you will never get back. The world will keep on spinning and you will be perpetually stuck in the vicious circle of your own making. You are too busy chasing the feelings that OM gives you to notice, and that is a tragedy, because you know that there is nothing there. I know you know because you came here looking for help. If the POS was all that and a bag of chips, you would have divorced your BH and run to OM when he gave you the chance. You wouldn't need help. That is what is so sad about your situation and what compelled me to comment. You know what needs to be done, but you lack the courage. There is no shame in that. What you need to do is hard, but the truth shall set you free.

 

I would normally never get involved, but something about your frenzied posts spoke to me. You weren't remorseful, but at least you acknowledged the insidiousness of your behavior. That honestly still gives me hope that you will find the courage to do the right thing at some point. I just hope for your sake it will not be too late.

 

Once you do figure out what a perfect end game is be sure to let people know. They will help guide you to ultimate objective. Just out of curiosity, do you still love your BH?

 

I'm not rewriting history. Im pointing out that even when husband spent 10 years being a staying out all night drunk and even when we separated ... I was able to be happy within myself. Almost 5 years now he quit drinking and has a whole new lifestyle and the kids are growing up and I have lost my spark. Before the affair I lost it I mean. Based on all that I KNOW it's within myself to be happy but I've lost my way. And husband is literally the nicest guy in the world, do anything for anyone. I wonder if I miss the drama of the old ways or I need him to be less nice all the time. He's been making it up to me since he quit drinking and Ive told him many times that he doesn't have to try so hard. Then he calls me a bitch for rejecting his niceness. Of course he says this nicely.

 

The tension has always been there. We don't fight in front of the kids so a lot is passive aggressive type stuff takes over. In both of us.

[Amillionpieces]

I know I ramble on. I'm using this thread as a sounding board or a journal. I don't know if that's right or wrong but here I am.

[Midwestmissy]

Some people do relish the drama. It keeps them from facing what they avoid. Think Jerry Springer guests. All the noise and drama and screaming solves nothing but it sure is emotional and exciting. Worth looking into. My sister in law does this in her life. It's very taxing long term and not good for health. The loud noise throws the issues into the background and out if the way. Then you can just focus on the excitement of the big boom.

[Popsicle]

Him ending it would not be devastating. I feel like one of us has to be strong enough to end it, and right now that is not me.

 

If you feel that way, well then I hope that's exactly what he does.

[Doublegold]

He's been making it up to me since he quit drinking and Ive told him many times that he doesn't have to try so hard.

 

You will learn so much in therapy that you have no idea you actually feel. Resentments can be buried deep. He may be sober now but that doesn't meake the memories of his behavior disappear--I have been in your shoes. He doesn't have to try so hard because you may be already checked out of the M.

[Maddieandtae]

Amilliopieces you don't deserve criticism or to be judged. I myself had a affair and my actions had devastating consequences. I too had an husband who drank and stayed out all night. He had affairs and was emotionally and physically abusive. We eventually divorced and still to this day his affairs still hurt just as mins would still hurt him. The real pain is what our children saw and lived. When we divorced and started the healing journey we did one thing right together and give our kids an healthy environment to grow up in. It's all I want for you is to think about being healthy. Affairs are soul destroying and I've been where you are and I feel your pain:(

[Rainbowlove]

I'm not rewriting history. Im pointing out that even when husband spent 10 years being a staying out all night drunk and even when we separated ... I was able to be happy within myself. Almost 5 years now he quit drinking and has a whole new lifestyle and the kids are growing up and I have lost my spark. Before the affair I lost it I mean. Based on all that I KNOW it's within myself to be happy but I've lost my way. And husband is literally the nicest guy in the world, do anything for anyone. I wonder if I miss the drama of the old ways or I need him to be less nice all the time. He's been making it up to me since he quit drinking and Ive told him many times that he doesn't have to try so hard. Then he calls me a bitch for rejecting his niceness. Of course he says this nicely.

 

The tension has always been there. We don't fight in front of the kids so a lot is passive aggressive type stuff takes over. In both of us.

 

I don't understand when people say WS is rewriting history.

 

I believe when we have affairs or find ourselves in love with someone else we begin to realize what's been absent in our current relationships/marriages.

 

We realize we felt neglected. Or there's been abuse issues. Or there's no real joy. Or intimacy. Or communication.....

 

There's a million and one reasons why marriages end up in affairs.

 

Part of the process of getting out of the affair is understanding what led us there in the first place.

 

It's not just a matter of bad choices - although, yes, that's part of it.

 

Something was absent in her marriage that led her to look for what was missing somewhere else.

 

I don't buy the WS is rewriting history. That's just not always the case.

 

Question is: Can your marriage be fixed?

Edited January 8, 2016 by Rainbowlove

[Horton]

OP, you're headed for disaster and you're so heavily invested in this fantasy world that you've built with the OM that you can no longer see things clearly. There are some people who will take you by the hand and lead you right over the cliff if you allow them to. They'll coddle you at every turn and feed you rationalizations and excuses. They'll demean your husband's character to ridiculous proportions in order to justify what you're doing to him, while simultaneously propping up your OM as a combination of soulmate/savior in your head and by the time you realize what happened it will already be too late to fix any of this.

[Amillionpieces]

OP, you're headed for disaster and you're so heavily invested in this fantasy world that you've built with the OM that you can no longer see things clearly. There are some people who will take you by the hand and lead you right over the cliff if you allow them to. They'll coddle you at every turn and feed you rationalizations and excuses. They'll demean your husband's character to ridiculous proportions in order to justify what you're doing to him, while simultaneously propping up your OM as a combination of soulmate/savior in your head and by the time you realize what happened it will already be too late to fix any of this.

 

I just wanted to clarify that MM does none of those things. We've each never said a bad word about the spouses. why does everyone assume I'm so easily led astray. We BOTH got here, we BOTH are doing the wrong thing.