Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[lemondrop21]

Million, just wanted to say that I hope you're doing alright now and I hope that something about your hospital stay managed to helpful to you. That's a very difficult ordeal that you went through and I really feel for you. Do update us when you're back.

[William]

Folks, due to a report I did a quick read, banned one member and erased a number of abusive posts and responses to those posts, so the thread has been edited.

 

Since this thread starter is apparently dealing with some serious personal issues, our policy is support of and engagement with those issues and the mandate is that the member is always to be treated with the utmost of respect.

 

Hence, moving forward, this posting will bookmark where closer scrutiny will occur. This is a long thread and I did consider closing it but, again, our policy of support and engagement supersedes and the background content is important to current events.

 

Please, if encountering abusive posts, report them to moderation and refrain from responding. Responding only feeds the abuser's agenda.

 

Thanks for your cooperation and support.

[Bittersweetie]

Million,

I apologize for not being online after my post. Fortunately you received many supportive posts from others. I just want you to know I am thinking of you.

BSW

[Rainbowlove]

I don't think there's anyone one of us who hasn't been where Million is now and hasn't considered ending it all. I know I did...there were many dark days while in the affair and even after getting out of it.

 

It's taken me two years to get all my strength back.

 

It's taken two years to get back to myself.

 

Million, if you read this, know you are not alone. Also know there is a way out of all the pain...but it's going to take guts and soul searching and digging deep and lots of hard work on self to get there.

 

You can get through this...get the help you need.

 

Prays for you and your family.

 

RL

[Dancewithme]

Million, we care for you and are pulling for you. We all are flawed, we all have done wrong. We can only ask forgiveness, and vow to do better. Know that you are human, and flawed like the rest of us. So, forgive yourself. And work with professionals towards feeling better, so you can do better.

 

We are here for you, and will continue to help prop you up until you can stand on your own. You will come out stronger on the other side.

[Babs22]

Million, we care for you and are pulling for you. We all are flawed, we all have done wrong. We can only ask forgiveness, and vow to do better. Know that you are human, and flawed like the rest of us. So, forgive yourself. And work with professionals towards feeling better, so you can do better.

 

We are here for you, and will continue to help prop you up until you can stand on your own. You will come out stronger on the other side.

 

Million,

Dancewithme is correct. We are all human and all flawed. I hope you were able to find the help you needed to get through your pain. I am sorry that you were so upset about the way it happened, but really hoping that you found some help.

 

You are worth it. You are worth it to your family, to your mom, your kids and you are worth it to a bunch of strangers on this forum who were concerned enough to read your posts and reply. Hugs to you AMillion. I am sending prayers your way that you are in a better place today.

 

I am sorry for all you are going through.

Babs

[Ohmyohmy]

Thinking of you Millions and hoping you are somewhere safe getting the help you deserve!! If you ever come back to LC I hope you'll see these positive supportive posts and I hope it will bring you some peace!!

Sending you strength and hope wherever you are right now!

Be brave!

Ohmy

[yodelwithyu]

I am so late to read this and so late to have replied. I really hope you are as ok as you can be under these circumstances. I just wanted to let you know that I too, am rooting for you.

 

Lots of love and hugs.

 

Xoxo

Yodel

[Amillionpieces]

All of you. All of you!!

 

I can't ever thank you enough.

 

Last night was the worst night of my life. I will tell the story maybe tomorrow. I still haven't slept. I'm home now finally ready to lay down and I am good. I am really good. I can't explain it, best I can compare it to is a bubble bursting. I'm probably delerious from fatigue but last night was necessary. I broke. At least I can start to see the pieces and start to put myself back together.

 

Goodnight.

[HappyAgain2014]

Hang in there. Sometimes you need to get through the worst to get to the other side. Just know better days are ahead.

[dreamingoftigers]

All of you. All of you!!

 

I can't ever thank you enough.

 

Last night was the worst night of my life. I will tell the story maybe tomorrow. I still haven't slept. I'm home now finally ready to lay down and I am good. I am really good. I can't explain it, best I can compare it to is a bubble bursting. I'm probably delerious from fatigue but last night was necessary. I broke. At least I can start to see the pieces and start to put myself back together.

 

Goodnight.

 

Yeah hospitals aren't very conducive to sleep.

 

But its good you got some relief and was able to talk to someone about what's going on.

[georgia girl]

All of you. All of you!!

 

I can't ever thank you enough.

 

Last night was the worst night of my life. I will tell the story maybe tomorrow. I still haven't slept. I'm home now finally ready to lay down and I am good. I am really good. I can't explain it, best I can compare it to is a bubble bursting. I'm probably delerious from fatigue but last night was necessary. I broke. At least I can start to see the pieces and start to put myself back together.

 

Goodnight.

 

This makes my heart happy! So glad you are safe. Get rest and be good to you!

[whatatangledweb]

I'm so happy you see you are safe and feeling better.

[seren]

Hi Million,

Your last post sounded more positive, it sounds like the storm within you has broken, it is exhausting, but it can now be the time to take stock and make plans for what next. Maybe not for a few days, but you will and you will take the first step. I always think that sometimes we (some of us) have to reach the bottom of the dark place to even begin to see there is a light at the top.

Throughout your posts it sounded like you were searching for you, that the only person you needed to hold your hand through all this has been you, but you didn't feel you deserved it.

 

When you feel better, just look at the number of people who don't know you, but who hear you and have your back. Everyone deserves to be in a place they can feel good about themselves, everyone. I often think that we all have an idea of how our lives should be and then when we see that it isn't like that struggle to breathe in the confines of the life we have. You mention maybe taking up an activity that will give you the adrenaline rush you need, nothing wrong with that, some of us need adrenaline, some of us need peace and at times we need both. You will find your peace, first step, learn that you deserve to feel good about you, it is OK to feel bad about some things, but that doesn't define you, you sound a pretty OK person the me.

 

Rest, speak about what you want to speak about when you are ready to speak about it. Find a calm and peaceful place and find yourself again, you are in there, just a bit lost at the moment. Take very good care of you, if you are concerned people will get to hear about you, then remember that those that matter won't mind and those that mind just don't matter. I hope you find peace and learn to love yourself. Take care xxxx seren

[ChickiePops]

Happy to hear from you Millie, and glad you're safe at home. Sleep well. I hope last night was cathartic for you.

 

Much love and many hugs.

[Adoraxx]

Sending you many big hugs!!!

[NewLeaf512]

I've sat in America on the telephone to my Mum in England talking to her as she overdosed. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do but I was paralyzed to stop talking & put the phone down on her & miss the last words that she would ever say.

 

How do you try to convince your Mum that you love her enough, that you will do anything, that you're good enough to live for?

 

She's an extremely private & proud lady. I knew that phoning for help, making it 'public', having anyone see her like that would be mortifying for her. I hung-up & called for an ambulance. Her stomach was pumped & she survived.

 

A few years later my big brother, only sibling, committed suicide. I was terrified that my Mum would try again. I felt so powerless, so small, so irrelevant. I still do.

 

I've been writing an erasing for so long. I need to say something to you but I know I'm useless. I couldn't talk my Mum out of it & I was obviously of even less use to my brother.

 

I'll tell you something very secret & very hard to confess... At times I resent my brother. If I didn't know the emotional carnage he left in his wake it would/could be an option for me. I know that's sick.

 

At the end of the day all I can say is "I know!". You're not alone. So many people feel what you feel. Some get through it & others don't. Those who chose the final solution never get a chance to put it right. I know the lies you tell yourself & they are lies!

 

No-one you love is better without you. They will be forever changed, broken inside. People who have never experienced the suicide of a loved one knows. Even the most empathic ones don't get it & never will. Just like someone who has never prayed for the courage to die will ever understand what it's like.

 

If you truly need to just let go. Phone for help. If you don't have that last ounce of strength to hold on just let them take you! Honestly! PLEASE believe me. If you can't carry on.... go to hospital. They will take the weight from you until you're ready to manage it & guide you back to your loved ones.

 

You can let go & rest.

 

There's nothing wrong with waving the white flag. They will medicate you. You will sleep. They will hold you up until you can take the weight & most importantly they will give you the tools to live again for yourself & for the people you love.

 

Taking your life is taking a chunk of the lives of so many that you love AND you can never even say sorry.

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this, experiencing this. I know.

 

Ugh! I don't even know if I should post this! Please. I just want you to see that it won't be like this next year. This is something you will look back on in your life. This isn't you for always.

 

I'm so glad you posted this. Xxxxx

 

Million: please please know that your children need their mummy. You may be beyond despondent but please don't hurt yourself. This is just a moment in time x

[Amillionpieces]

Well I had 10 hours sleep and then when I got up my 9 year old asked for cuddles so I got in his bed and we fell asleep for another hour.

 

I'll try and sum up my night thursday. I'm still processing it myself!!

 

God. Well. I left home and walked 2 hours to my moms. I was a mess. I wanted to see if she had pills to help me sleep. She didn't and I was a mess. Called the crisis line. I said something stupid about jumping in front of a bus and the police start blowing up my phone. 4 diff cops. Telling me they need to see if I'm ok. I keep telling them I'm fine to leave me alone. I was pissed PISSED because they referenced something I said in the call (stupid-about cigarettes) so I didn't trust anyone. Anonymous my ass. So they keep calling I keep telling them off. 4 hours later I get a message (because I stopped answering the phone) about how they're filing a missing person report. I flipped! Imagine you wake up to that on facebook. No thanks!! So I agree to meet at a nearby store. Lady officer was being condescendingly nice and I was in no mood. She was mentioning my brother and my father and stuff that was creeping me out that she knew about. I said are you making me go in against my will and she said yes. So I just put my hands out and said cuff me because I am not voluntary. They read me my rights!! Took away my banana. It was so ****ed. This is 230am. Go to local hospital. Refuse to talk. Finally the nurse says if I don't talk they won't let me out. Give basics to nurse 1, nurse 2, doc 1 - then shrink two finally breaks me and I was talking. I refused to cry I was a stone but he actually got me to relax. 2 hours with him I liked him. Anyway he says I'm in a major depression episode I say no ****. He says I'm telling you if you think there's something wrong with you I'm telling you you're right. He says its a good thing to know that because I can start to fix It I'm not crazy etc. Mental health support here is piss poor so will be months before I'm seen in the system. I got the depo shot three months ago and I think that really messed with my head. The timeline fits. Shrink agreed it's a real possibility. Affair is to blame too but the depo shot put me in a dark place I've never been to before. It's set to wear off in a few weeks so I said I'll wait until then before I consider meds.

 

I literally told off the cops for 4 hrs. Maybe that's the secret. I can't stop thinking about that. It's wild.its so not me. I talked to mental health nurses and docs for over 5 hours and not one of them told me I was crazy for any of the things I was feeling so I'm sure that helped. The last doc was excellent and I plan to ask to see him again assuming he has a private office.

 

They let me out at 7am and I walked 45 min home. I cut off my hospital bands and got a shower and went to work!!! I just felt that I needed to go so I did. Husband was home and I didn't want to spend the day with him and I didn't want to sleep so off I went. I worked 8 hrs. I saw MM for a minute but of course didn't tell him a thing about my night. He was a non issue at work.

 

I was feeling this strange high all day that I don't really understand. I just decided to go with it and I had a great day at work. My brother called me mid day and I took a break and told him about my night. Did not tell about the affair but told him everything else. He kept saying 'why didn't you call me' and I explained that I felt too much a mess and too embarrassed and so on.

 

Today I'm puttering around and already called a good friend I've been neglecting and asked her to go for coffee this afternoon. I plan to tell her about my night and tell her Im sorry for neglecting her and ask that we set a weekly lunch date. One thing I said to the shrink was that I am going to miss 'talking' to MM the most and he told me to reconnect with my neglected friendships so I am. I don't want our weekly lunch to be talking about my problems, I just want the usual chit chat that we always had. i do not plan to tell her about the affair.

 

I do have one friend who lives away that knows about the affair. So I contacted her and told her everything. She is incredibly supportive.

 

I'm not planning to make my breakdown public knowledge but I have told these selected people and I feel good about that. it feels good to be able to stop pretending everything is fine.

 

I've always thought my affair was a symptom of other problems and I still think that. I have no bad feelings towards MM and in a way I can thank him for letting me be myself and enjoying my company. I learned a lot from that.

 

I don't know exactly what the future holds for my marriage. My husband kept asking what I told the docs etc about him and I wouldnt say. I kept telling him that 'i' am having issues and obviously our relationship is going to be discussed. I frankly was irritated that he was only concerned with what I said about him. It's one piece of a big puzzle, it's not the whole picture.

 

I do not plan to contact MM. I expect I'll miss him and I expect it'll be hard but I KNOW it's for the best.

 

So that's the update. Clearly I have a long way to go but I'll keep running and keep going to the gym and keep taking long walks because that helps me. I'll spend the next couple of months working on myself and I won't feel guilty about that.

[georgia girl]

Million,

 

So happy you are starting to recover. Good for you on connecting with doc. I hope you are able to also continue in care. It's great to have that calm quiet space to talk out your feelings. It also sounds like you are making positive strides with friends and exercise. Expect down days but you are on your way to recovery.

 

When I was having hormone issues that eventually led to my hysterectomy, my gyn put me on BC pills. I stopped sleeping within two weeks. We discussed it and due to the risk to my fertility, he encouraged me to continue to take the pills. I quit after two mo the but it didn't matter - I didn't sleep for four months and that wasn't until after I started taking both sporadic sleeping medication and anxiety pills. I remember deciding during that period that I was broken and I needed to spend time just healing. By giving myself that space, I was able to recover but it came down to constantly reminding myself that I needed to be good to me.

 

There is a book called, "The Gift of a Year," and I read it during that time. Basically, it recommends giving yourself one year to carve out guilt-free time to do something for you. It inspired me and I would recommend it to you.

 

You are so strong to have faced this kind of internal pain. But now let yourself be a little fragile and give yourself time to heal. You didn't get here overnight, you won't get back that way either.

 

Hugs and peace,

 

GG

[whatatangledweb]

I'm so glad you are reaching out to friends and that you have a support system in place now. Just take it day by day and don't let things build up. Let them out to the people you trust.

 

It always helps with professionals tell you that what you are feeling is okay and that you aren't crazy I'm surprised they released you so soon. Here they hold you up to 72 hours.

 

Enjoy the weekend with your kids!

[georgia girl]

Oh and the piece about the BC and not sleeping was to validate you. Docs often downplay the link between hormone manipulation and emotional health, but it is significant especially as we age.

[Amillionpieces]

So I go out with my friend. I told her. Everything.

 

Turns out she had an affair for two years!! This was before we were friends. But still.

 

I was shocked. I had no idea. We had a great talk. I am so glad I told her.

[MidnightBlue1980]

All of you. All of you!!

 

I can't ever thank you enough.

 

Last night was the worst night of my life. I will tell the story maybe tomorrow. I still haven't slept. I'm home now finally ready to lay down and I am good. I am really good. I can't explain it, best I can compare it to is a bubble bursting. I'm probably delerious from fatigue but last night was necessary. I broke. At least I can start to see the pieces and start to put myself back together.

 

Goodnight.

 

Hi. Too many posts, I can't read them all but it looks like you were verbally attacked. Listen, I am not sure if you are still in your A but know that everything you feel is everything I felt, we all feel the same. I thought MM was great too. I did end it for many of the reasons you mentioned. It is like a death, horribly tragic. H knows everything though and I encourage you to tell your H. MM told his W as well. Granted, MM blamed me 100% and said he was never interested, he was a victim. SO be prepared for these guys to really show you who they are - and it's probably not good.

 

But as much pain as I went through the last month, I'm glad I'm out. I hated that feeling of being with my kids and H and only thinking of MM. It's no way to live.

Edited January 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language - member moderated

[Amillionpieces]

Hi. Too many posts, I can't read them all but it looks like you were verbally attacked. Listen, I am not sure if you are still in your A but know that everything you feel is everything I felt, we all feel the same. I thought MM was great too. I did end it for many of the reasons you mentioned. It is like a death, horribly tragic. H knows everything though and I encourage you to tell your H. MM told his W as well. Granted, MM blamed me 100% and said he was never interested, he was a victim. SO be prepared for these guys to really show you who they are - and it's probably not good.

 

But as much pain as I went through the last month, I'm glad I'm out. I hated that feeling of being with my kids and H and only thinking of MM. It's no way to live.

 

 

 

Thank you for this, but what I don't understand is why mm always has to be a POS. I don't consider mind a POS. I wish him no ill will.

Edited January 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Folks, we won't be calling any affair members pieces of shyte and don't try to obfuscate it with POS. That kind of language is prohibited and using it in this manner with such tone will find your posting privileges removed. Don't do it. Last warning from moderation on this. Ban hammer is next.