Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[R.Gant]

Thank you for this, but what I don't understand is why mm always has to be a POS. I don't consider mind a POS. I wish him no ill will.

 

If you don't want to. No need to tell your Husband about the Affair.

But you have to let your Husband go!

If you don't love your Husband anymore.

 

Look into some of your conscience.

Don't let your BH cling to lost hope.

 

The best thing you could do for your BH as the wayward wife who cant get over the MM. Is to get an amicable divorce and split 50/50.

 

Even in a divorce the children can still be happy.

 

There are many studies that show that divorce has little to no effect on the child success in life so long as the two parents work together.

 

Don't wait till your husband catches you. It may well become hostile divorce instead of a peaceful one and this in turn could affect co-parenting.

 

Save him from the suffering of finding out infidelity!

People who have been burned by infidelity change and sometimes not for the better.

 

The marriage seems pretty much over.

But the family is not.

 

As this chapter closes new doors will open.

[Marc878]

Use this eye opener to restart the rest of your life.

 

Move forward

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Amillionpieces]

If you don't want to. No need to tell your Husband about the Affair.

But you have to let your Husband go!

If you don't love your Husband anymore.

 

Look into some of your conscience.

Don't let your BH cling to lost hope.

 

The best thing you could do for your BH as the wayward wife who cant get over the MM. Is to get an amicable divorce and split 50/50.

 

Even in a divorce the children can still be happy.

 

There are many studies that show that divorce has little to no effect on the child success in life so long as the two parents work together.

 

Don't wait till your husband catches you. It may well become hostile divorce instead of a peaceful one and this in turn could affect co-parenting.

 

Save him from the suffering of finding out infidelity!

People who have been burned by infidelity change and sometimes not for the better.

 

The marriage seems pretty much over.

But the family is not.

 

As this chapter closes new doors will open.

 

I don't feel I'm in any kind of headspace to make these kinds of decisions right now. Husband has been cold to me since I got home from hospital and that is very painful. I didn't expect that at all. Whatever I decide to do it will a decision made once my head clears out a bit.

[whichwayisup]

It's good you have a close friend you can talk to about this stuff.

 

Hate to say it, but is it possible your husband knows about the affair? He can see you're not yourself at all and I'm betting his suspicions are there.

 

You are right, now isn't the time to be making major decisions, you're not in a good place to make life altering choices.

[Babs22]

I don't feel I'm in any kind of headspace to make these kinds of decisions right now. Husband has been cold to me since I got home from hospital and that is very painful. I didn't expect that at all. Whatever I decide to do it will a decision made once my head clears out a bit.

 

AMillion,

I agree with taking your time to make decisions. You have been through a lot. I am glad that you are doing better. Not sure how long it will take for you to get some IC. Hopefully they can help you sort things out and make decisions. Glad you were able to share with your friend. When my A started I confided in a friend and found out that she was also in an A. Prior to our As, we had already been talking about the lack of love we felt from our Hs. We have been each other's support through it all. I cannot imagine how I would have handled it otherwise. I have two close friends who know about this.

 

I also do not wish my MM ill will. We both did this together and both find ourselves in difficult situations. If a D day happens, I am prepared for the fact that he will do anything to save his M including blaming me. I won't take it personally. Good luck and please take care of you. I always remind myself how much my kids need me. Our kids' lives would be a mess if anything happened to either of us.

[sammy7111]

You don't think your husband knows he knows he just doesn't know what to do. How would you feel finding out your spouses has been cheating own you and acting like this for the last several months. His problay just hanging in because he doesn't want to lose his kids. Give the man his respect back and leave so he can heal.

[kgcolonel]

Million, I thought i read that you disclosed to the 911 operator or the crisis contact line that you were having an affair....then the police started their pursuit....any chance they disclosed the affair to your husband as a matter of course? If so, this would explain the cold reception you received from your H when you got home.

[Amillionpieces]

Million, I thought i read that you disclosed to the 911 operator or the crisis contact line that you were having an affair....then the police started their pursuit....any chance they disclosed the affair to your husband as a matter of course? If so, this would explain the cold reception you received from your H when you got home.

 

God. If that happened I'm suing. They can't do that!! Im going to investigate that if I can.

[carhill]

I seriously doubt any LEO worth their psych training would add fire to a crisis call/potential 5150 by outing an affair. Best way IMO to understand husband's demeanor is to ask him, listen then gauge response against known behavior patterns and make a decision on next steps. This presumes you want to get to the bottom of his coldness. If other, disregard.

[Amillionpieces]

I seriously doubt any LEO worth their psych training would add fire to a crisis call/potential 5150 by outing an affair. Best way IMO to understand husband's demeanor is to ask him, listen then gauge response against known behavior patterns and make a decision on next steps. This presumes you want to get to the bottom of his coldness. If other, disregard.

 

Yes I agree. I really don't think they told him. He's being cold but not like that. I think he was mad I went to work the next day but I was in that weirdly good mood and then I went to bed and by the next day I was back to being in a funk. I think he expects me to be 'fixed' from the experiece. I don't know. We went to a kid event and I was quiet and watching and he kept telling me to loosen up and I kept saying I'm fine just watching. When we got home he says I humiliated him there. Saturday night he was being nice to me at 8pm and clearly looking for sex and I mentioned I was on my period and he says 'oh that changes everything' and went downstairs and didn't talk to me again. So it's stuff like that. I guess I just thought after the events of thursday he'd be a bit more supportive but I guess i was wrong. This is unrelated to the affair and I don't even want him to be comforting me under the circumstances, I just am surprised that he's not even trying to.

 

I reached out to two friends who now know about the affair and the events of thursday and two family members who do not know about the affair but now know about the Thursday events. So I'm gathering a support network in that way.

[sammy7111]

He noses my questions is way are you trying to make him out to be the bad guy. Your affairs is the reason your felling this way about him. My heart goes to him it must be hard. Why don't you be honest with him and let him go find happiness. You are to lesson to in know what you did last summer

[Amillionpieces]

He noses my questions is way are you trying to make him out to be the bad guy. Your affairs is the reason your felling this way about him. My heart goes to him it must be hard. Why don't you be honest with him and let him go find happiness. You are to lesson to in know what you did last summer

 

I'm not making him out to be the bad guy. I recognize that my coldness towards him is causing his coldness towards me. It's a mess of a situation and its a mess of my own design.

 

My heart goes out to him too. He's kind and good looking he can find another woman, a good woman, I have no doubt about that. But we have been together 24 years, since we were 14. If I told him and he chose to stay with me because it's the only life he's ever known, then I should never have told him so that he doesn't have to share that burden. The pain is mine to bear.

[kgcolonel]

Million

 

It's never too late. Start over with him if you think there's any chance at all for you two!

[sammy7111]

No its not you created this pain and it's never going to go away. As long as there a ly between you'll it will never be the same. Just be honest with him give him a chance to do what he needs to do. I feel for you but your just killing your mind with this and taking your fault down with u

 

Ps when you merry your pain is his pain and his pain is yours.

 

How do you know his wife didn't tell your husband and he just doesn't know how to hang it

Edited January 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Amillionpieces]

I went to the gym to run. I broke down on the treadmill. Messy sloppy had to stop and leave.

 

This is so hard. I want myself back.

[sandylee1]

Good to hear you're out of hospital.

In time you'll get to a place where you can decide what to do next.

 

Depending on how long this goes on for.... a split will be easier because you and your husband will become emotionally detached.

He knows something isn't right and is thinking it will blow over or you pull the plug.

 

now...take care of yourself.

[whatatangledweb]

You will have down moments even days. Keep pushing ahead. Take it day by day. It will get so much better. I'm sorry you had a bad day.

[Marc878]

I went to the gym to run. I broke down on the treadmill. Messy sloppy had to stop and leave.

 

This is so hard. I want myself back.

 

You're the only one that can get it back. It's not going to just work itself out.

 

You need to own it. No one is going to do it for you.

[Ms. Faust]

Forgive me, there are some glaring questions I have, especially in regards to your husband (for a full picture):

 

You said:

 

 

I left home. I walked two hours to my mothers house. (She's out of town).

 

 

When you left home and walked two hours, who was watching the children? You also said that you told your husband and therapist that you were considering suicide, am I correct? Were you in contact with your husband as to what you were doing?

 

You then said:

 

I called crisis line. They told me to call my husband to come get me and take me to hospital.

 

He won't come.

 

Why would he not come? Did he have the kids? Were they asleep? Was he aware of what kind of crisis you were in? Or did he feel that you were safe (especially being in your mother's home) and it would be more prudent to pick you up the next morning (especially if he had the kids)?

 

I'm not with my kids. I'm by myself at my mother's house.

 

I'm in bed. Doors locked. nothing will happen to me here....

 

I told him I was not there and that my kids are all sleeping and begged them not to go there.

 

I had to call my husband and give him a heads up just in case they do go

 

OK, so your husband DID have the kids, and they WERE asleep, which makes more sense as to why he was not able to pick you up. Now, you said here that you had to call your husband and give him a heads up. When you initially called him and asked him to pick you up did you tell him you were in a crisis and feeling suicidal?

 

I just felt that I needed to go so I did. Husband was home and I didn't want to spend the day with him and I didn't want to sleep so off I went.

 

Did you talk to your husband at all by this point?

 

My husband kept asking what I told the docs etc about him and I wouldnt say. I kept telling him that 'i' am having issues and obviously our relationship is going to be discussed. I frankly was irritated that he was only concerned with what I said about him. It's one piece of a big puzzle, it's not the whole picture.

 

So just for clarification... you told your husband that you are having issues, and that your relationship with him was discussed, but you are not telling him what you said? While I can understand that, I am confused why you are irritated about his concern. You see, he has no idea you were having an affair. What he is witnessing is a depressed wife, and he has no idea why. Wouldn't it make sense that he is concerned about what is being discussed about your relationship and him?

 

Husband has been cold to me since I got home from hospital and that is very painful. I didn't expect that at all.

 

I am going to say this bluntly, only because I think this is where he is coming from: You left him and the children one night, ended up in the hospital, came home and immediately went to work, and refuse to discuss the situation with him at all. Now can I ask why you are suddenly surprised that he is cold to you?

 

...I guess I just thought after the events of thursday he'd be a bit more supportive but I guess i was wrong.

 

From what you have told us you have shut him out and shunned his support. It really sounds like at parts you are trying to demonize your husband, when he just sounds like [he] has no idea what is going on with his wife.

 

It is also usually the case that when someone is going through severe depression the partner ends up picking up most of the care in regards to the children. Do you think he could be feeling resentment about that and your lack of opening up to him?

 

These questions stick out the most to me in your story.

Edited January 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

Sorry if I missed it but what was the reason you told your H that you went to a "looney bin"?

[Amillionpieces]

Forgive me, there are some glaring questions I have, especially in regards to your husband (for a full picture):

 

You said:

 

 

 

 

When you left home and walked two hours, who was watching the children? You also said that you told your husband and therapist that you were considering suicide, am I correct? Were you in contact with your husband as to what you were doing?

 

You then said:

 

 

 

Why would he not come? Did he have the kids? Were they asleep? Was he aware of what kind of crisis you were in? Or did he feel that you were safe (especially being in your mother's home) and it would be more prudent to pick you up the next morning (especially if he had the kids)?

 

 

 

OK, so your husband DID have the kids, and they WERE asleep, which makes more sense as to why he was not able to pick you up. Now, you said here that you had to call your husband and give him a heads up. When you initially called him and asked him to pick you up did you tell him you were in a crisis and feeling suicidal?

 

 

 

Did you talk to your husband at all by this point?

 

 

 

So just for clarification... you told your husband that you are having issues, and that your relationship with him was discussed, but you are not telling him what you said? While I can understand that, I am confused why you are irritated about his concern. You see, he has no idea you were having an affair. What he is witnessing is a depressed wife, and he has no idea why. Wouldn't it make sense that he is concerned about what is being discussed about your relationship and him?

 

 

 

I am going to say this bluntly, only because I think this is where he is coming from: You left him and the children one night, ended up in the hospital, came home and immediately went to work, and refuse to discuss the situation with him at all. Now can I ask why you are suddenly surprised that he is cold to you?

 

 

 

From what you have told us you have shut him out and shunned his support. It really sounds like at parts you are trying to demonize your husband, when he just sounds like [he] has no idea what is going on with his wife.

 

It is also usually the case that when someone is going through severe depression the partner ends up picking up most of the care in regards to the children. Do you think he could be feeling resentment about that and your lack of opening up to him?

 

These questions stick out the most to me in your story.

 

I'll answer. For my thought process as much as anything.

 

 

My kids are older. Two oldest are teenagers. He could have left.

 

He knew I called crisis line. He knew how I was feeling because I told him. Leaving and walking is not unusual for me, I often go for long walks. He didn't start looking for me until 3 hours later. He texted. I answered.

 

I realize he is being cold to me because I am being cold to him. I also realize he is probably 'giving me space' and doesn't know what to do.

 

I have not been neglecting my kids. I do all kid activities and all cooking and so on. He does most housework but it's alwYs been like that.

 

I have been depressed in the past but never like this. Never this severe. Never considered suicide. In the past he has always 'given me space' when I feel depressed.

 

I am not trying to demonize him even if it seems that way. I am in a very bad place in my head and I'm trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts.

[Amillionpieces]

Sorry if I missed it but what was the reason you told your H that you went to a "looney bin"?

 

Suicide. I told him what I said to crisis line and that the police are making me go.

[Popsicle]

Suicide. I told him what I said to crisis line and that the police are making me go.

 

I thought you told the crisis line that you had just ended an affair?

 

I guess I'm asking what you told your H is the reason why you are suicidal.

[Amillionpieces]

I thought you told the crisis line that you had just ended an affair?

 

I guess I'm asking what you told your H is the reason why you are suicidal.

 

What I meant was that I told him I told the crisis line I was suicidal. Depression. I do legitimately have some other family issues going on and work stuff going on. Mid life crisis. You have to understand that husband and I don't ever really talk about issues. That not rewriting history that the reality of how I fell into this mess.

[William]

Folk, just because the crisis is over doesn't mean it's open season again. Moderation has far better knowledge of the agendas on this forum than any new member does so, if my prior directive doesn't steer things back to a collaborative exchange we'll move on to next steps. The thread will remain open to those who wish to sincerely assist the member along their path to recovery and health.