Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[Southern Sun]

Amillionpieces...I think this is one of those times where you really do have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

 

You may not be in a place right now to be able to answer others' questions. You really may not be able to be all that empathetic with your H at this point. You are going through a personal crisis. You will at some point have to face your H, and you should. But please do take care of your mental health and get the help you need. It's only then that you will be able to do the rest. Hugs.

[Amillionpieces]

Amillionpieces...I think this is one of those times where you really do have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

 

You may not be in a place right now to be able to answer others' questions. You really may not be able to be all that empathetic with your H at this point. You are going through a personal crisis. You will at some point have to face your H, and you should. But please do take care of your mental health and get the help you need. It's only then that you will be able to do the rest. Hugs.

 

I don't know any of the members here enough to know who I should or shouldn't answer. I guess I don't mind answering these questions because they are all questions I've asked myself and it helps me to talk it through.

 

I'm making mistakes all over the place, here is no different.

[Popsicle]

What I meant was that I told him I told the crisis line I was suicidal. Depression. I do legitimately have some other family issues going on and work stuff going on. Mid life crisis. You have to understand that husband and I don't ever really talk about issues. That not rewriting history that the reality of how I fell into this mess.

 

I understand now. Thank you. Sorry if it sounded like I was interrogating you. I just wanted to know out of curiosity what you had told him.

[sammy7111]

The only way is honesty because this is going to eat you alive tell then.

[georgia girl]

Million,

 

While I see where others are coming from in challenging how you interact with your husband, I would also caution that you just can't deal with him/that yet. I am not sure everyone can understand that, but you have to get yourself a little farther along the path to recovery.

 

May I strongly suggest you continue in therapy? You said you connected with one doc and as others have mentioned, your privacy is strongly protected under HIPAA. I know you are reaching out to friends and exercising, but depression - even situational depression - sometimes requires therapy for real recovery to begin. You are so stressed (or at least it reads that way in your posts) and you say you have suffered from depression before. This may be a time when you can't dig yourself out alone or with informal networks. You have a lot emotionally on your plate - mourning your loss, struggling with self loathing and general discontent and unhappiness that got you here in the first place.

 

Therapy may seem like too severe or too much, but please consider it. It really is just a calm and safe place to begin working through how you feel. If you need it, mood elevators can potentially help replace some of the serotonin imbalances you could have going on.

 

Please consider seeking qualified help. You are strong and you are fighting, which is awesome. But I feel you are still quite vulnerable and you could use some help.

 

Hugs,

GG

[Amillionpieces]

Million,

 

While I see where others are coming from in challenging how you interact with your husband, I would also caution that you just can't deal with him/that yet. I am not sure everyone can understand that, but you have to get yourself a little farther along the path to recovery.

 

May I strongly suggest you continue in therapy? You said you connected with one doc and as others have mentioned, your privacy is strongly protected under HIPAA. I know you are reaching out to friends and exercising, but depression - even situational depression - sometimes requires therapy for real recovery to begin. You are so stressed (or at least it reads that way in your posts) and you say you have suffered from depression before. This may be a time when you can't dig yourself out alone or with informal networks. You have a lot emotionally on your plate - mourning your loss, struggling with self loathing and general discontent and unhappiness that got you here in the first place.

 

Therapy may seem like too severe or too much, but please consider it. It really is just a calm and safe place to begin working through how you feel. If you need it, mood elevators can potentially help replace some of the serotonin imbalances you could have going on.

 

Please consider seeking qualified help. You are strong and you are fighting, which is awesome. But I feel you are still quite vulnerable and you could use some help.

 

Hugs,

GG

 

 

Thank you. I am now in the mental health system and will be seeing a psychiatrist. While I wait for that referral I will be seeing a private psychiatrist. At the hospital they insisted I need a psychiatrist not a therapist/counsellor. I am high priority and it will not be a long wait.

 

I am not planning to take meds at this time. I have hormonal issues with the depo shot and my plan (supported by doc) is to wait for that to get out of my system before I consider meds.

 

I also do not plan to leave my husband, tell my husband about the A, or any other major life decisions until some time has gone by. I am very aware that I am not in a position to be making those decisions right now.

 

Have I let an affair ruin me? Clearly. Are there other issues going on with me? Clearly. I AM at least aware enough to recognize all of this and deal with it, which is what I'm trying to do.

[georgia girl]

Million,

 

That is probably the best you can do right now. It's okay. Healing will come. So happy you are following in care. Be good to you.

[Babs22]

I went to the gym to run. I broke down on the treadmill. Messy sloppy had to stop and leave.

 

This is so hard. I want myself back.

 

AMillion,

I am sorry you are going through this. Please do take the time to sort things out before you decide to do anything. You owe yourself that. I can empathize. It is definitely not easy to be a MW involved with a MM. I am in that situation right now and I have good days and bad. Thankfully, I have never broken down, but I have bawled my eyes out. Thankfully I have a good friend who knows all about my A and she is there for me day or night.

 

I have thought of counseling myself, but don't have the time and most of the time, I am ok. I am glad you are being fast tracked to see a psychiatrist. My son started battling severe depression and bipolar two years ago at the age of 16. I do think his hormones from adolescents was a factor for when this began, but he obviously was going to have this problem regardless. Your post above broke my heart only because I have watched my sons so many times have this happen. No event or situation caused it, he just felt sad and so started crying.

 

If you haven't lived with mental illness or someone with mental illness, I think it is difficult for others to understand. But living with my son like this for 2 years has opened my eyes. He can no more control his feelings than stop the tide, and he is medicated. He broke down the other day in the kitchen while making himself something to eat. The sadness just hit him and he didn't have a reason.

 

Be kind to yourself. My H would do the same thing if that happened to me, he would give me space. We don't communicate well, and he has no idea how to handle these situations. He has not idea how to handle our son. He is not a bad guy, he just cannot get it.

 

Keep posting here. You will find support.

A big cyber hug to you. Wish I could give you one in person.

[13Hearts]

You are in crisis and here is what I recommend for such times: Please take good care of yourself. That includes cutting yourself a break. Avoid judging yourself. Accept that you are human and humans make mistakes every second of every day. Forgive yourself. Act in harmony with your OWN beliefs and values, NOT those of others or those you think you SHOULD believe. Shift your burdens onto others. If you don't have a higher power such as God, seek out a higher power, to help you shift your burdens onto. If the doctor tells you you need to go on an anti-depressant and you don't want to, ask what is the minimum amount of time the doctor believes you should be on it and then commit to being on it only for that long, and tell the doctor you want to come off it by that time.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings, etc. I needed to write that response to you so that I could see clearly what I need to do for myself (other than the anti-d, because I'm already taking that, thank God).

[13Hearts]

AMillion,

I am sorry you are going through this. Please do take the time to sort things out before you decide to do anything. You owe yourself that. I can empathize. It is definitely not easy to be a MW involved with a MM. I am in that situation right now and I have good days and bad. Thankfully, I have never broken down, but I have bawled my eyes out. Thankfully I have a good friend who knows all about my A and she is there for me day or night.

 

I have thought of counseling myself, but don't have the time and most of the time, I am ok. I am glad you are being fast tracked to see a psychiatrist. My son started battling severe depression and bipolar two years ago at the age of 16. I do think his hormones from adolescents was a factor for when this began, but he obviously was going to have this problem regardless. Your post above broke my heart only because I have watched my sons so many times have this happen. No event or situation caused it, he just felt sad and so started crying.

 

If you haven't lived with mental illness or someone with mental illness, I think it is difficult for others to understand. But living with my son like this for 2 years has opened my eyes. He can no more control his feelings than stop the tide, and he is medicated. He broke down the other day in the kitchen while making himself something to eat. The sadness just hit him and he didn't have a reason.

 

Be kind to yourself. My H would do the same thing if that happened to me, he would give me space. We don't communicate well, and he has no idea how to handle these situations. He has not idea how to handle our son. He is not a bad guy, he just cannot get it.

 

Keep posting here. You will find support.

A big cyber hug to you. Wish I could give you one in person.

 

I don't want to make this thread get off track, so if need be we can start another thread. I just want to say, Babs, I have battled depression since my teen years too and I know your son is on anti-depressants but I am nearly 50 years old and have a bit of knowledge in this area-It takes an average of 10 years, TEN, in the mental health system before a person gets the CORRECT diagnosis. His depression may be his primary diagnosis, or it may be a symptom of a different primary illness. Don't stop at one diagnosis, or one clinician's diagnosis. Try several clinicians. Also, I highly recommend a quality fish oil supplement (not something from the grocery or drug store) and oily fish in the diet. Lastly, read the book Brain Gate by JR Hatherill.

[renny]

You are in this WAY too deep. and emotionally, the lengths that youre going to keep the affair alive tells me you have become emotionally attached to this man. Perhaps falling in love with him. This is a mess you willingly have put yourself into, so it's simple, what's important, your family or the affair? You haven't been discovered yet, so get out while you're ahead. Or is the sexual, and emotional bonds you share too much to walk away from? That's the problem with affairs, easy to get into, hard to get out of as the emotions take effect.

[Mind-Chants]

Million,

 

I think the burden of guilt is way too much for you to handle. You need to find ways to channelize them in more stable ways.

 

Second is please contemplate the consequences of your actions on your children and their future. As I read through your posts, you never mentioned about their relationship with their father. You have already made numerous mistakes. Making further mistakes knowing that the action you are taking is a mistake won't take you to any better place. It will only bury you deeper in the mess.

 

Your hostility to your husband may be a defense mechanism of your mind. I think he has made his stand pretty clear and the ball is now on your court. How you are making decisions and actions largely holds the future events.

 

If you are going to separate/divorce from your husband without telling him, are you capable to hold that guilt forever within you ?? I ask because given your conditions I have doubts that this thing will change anything as you have already emotionally shut down your husband.

 

Wish u find your way out.

 

MC

[Gigi2015]

Million pieces:

I read the entire thread. I don't think you're worthless or self-absorbed. I think you had needs that were not being met and you felt deplorable due to the way you tried to meet them. You fell into total despair. I'm neither a BS or an OW. But--I have known despair. I hope you reach out to others before the going gets to be more than you can handle. It sounds like you do have a support system you can access. Don't feel shame. We can all cause chaos in our own lives when we're trying to simply cope...I wonder if your husband really knew how you truly feel, would he help you. Maybe... He kept away feeling he was the entire reason you didn't want to live anymore...Maybe he doesn't know what to do....he doesn't have the full picture. I wish you happiness....HUGS

Edited January 29, 2016 by Gigi2015

[whatatangledweb]

Million, how are you doing? Did you get an appointment yet? I hope you are feeling better.

 

You will find posters will post in a long thread after reading just the first post and not reading it clearly, please ignore them.

[yodelwithyu]

So glad you are feeling better, Million. You gave us a scare, but I am so happy you came out of it ok. Just take it an hour at a time, day by day.

[Amillionpieces]

Am I ok? I wouldn't be able to day yes to that. Major panic/anxiety attack yesterday and the day before. One happened when I was out and I had to get away from the eyes of the public and hide in my car. Been going to bed at 8. Today is not a bad day because my oldest was off school and we hung out went out to lunch and such. She's almost 18 so those type days are rare with her. Had a small moment this eve due to stupid weight comment from a 'friend' who was dropping something off (I continue to lose weight) but I was able to get through that thanks to another (better) friend. I have accepted that I need to lean on my people. My chosen support people have been excellent and if not for them I don't even know. I've had more coffee with friends the past week than ever in my life. Even friends who don't know what happened to me, just need to connect with people. And the gym. God. I'm going hard. Too hard. Can't do stairs today, lol.

 

I am still waiting for psychiatrist appointment which is frustrating and the cause of one of the bad days.

 

I have not seen MM and his number remains blocked. I have had many many moments of missing him and such but I'm ok with it as of this moment. If I'm honest I haven't gone to work yet so ...

 

As for my husband. Well. Not good. He is completely lost with how to deal with me, that's im sure. I'm trying to be patient, I'm really trying.

 

All I can do is try. I'm very self aware and trying. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other blah blah.

[lemondrop21]

Am I ok? I wouldn't be able to day yes to that. Major panic/anxiety attack yesterday and the day before. One happened when I was out and I had to get away from the eyes of the public and hide in my car. Been going to bed at 8. Today is not a bad day because my oldest was off school and we hung out went out to lunch and such. She's almost 18 so those type days are rare with her. Had a small moment this eve due to stupid weight comment from a 'friend' who was dropping something off (I continue to lose weight) but I was able to get through that thanks to another (better) friend. I have accepted that I need to lean on my people. My chosen support people have been excellent and if not for them I don't even know. I've had more coffee with friends the past week than ever in my life. Even friends who don't know what happened to me, just need to connect with people. And the gym. God. I'm going hard. Too hard. Can't do stairs today, lol.

 

I am still waiting for psychiatrist appointment which is frustrating and the cause of one of the bad days.

 

I have not seen MM and his number remains blocked. I have had many many moments of missing him and such but I'm ok with it as of this moment. If I'm honest I haven't gone to work yet so ...

 

As for my husband. Well. Not good. He is completely lost with how to deal with me, that's im sure. I'm trying to be patient, I'm really trying.

 

All I can do is try. I'm very self aware and trying. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other blah blah.

 

You are trying and you are doing great. Keep it up, pretty lady, we are all cheering you on.

 

Someday you'll look back on this time and feel disbelief that it happened, but you'll also feel stronger and better than ever. I promise.

[Amillionpieces]

After 10 days NC I spoke to MM this morning. I saw him yesterday but we didn't speak and then I unblocked him.

 

Today he texted. I replied.

 

It was a tense exchange.

 

Now I'm literally shaking. I am struggling with extreme self loathing.

 

My marriage is a mess. My life is falling apart.

 

All I want is someone to hold me and respect me and love me.

[imsosad]

So sorry for what you are going through.

I know you want love and respect,but you will never,ever find it in an A. Being someones dirty secret and/or having a dirty secret of your own is never a path to peace of mind.

Stick to NC. I know its hard. I just posted a thread about my ex AP breaking NC today. I hear you,i do.

Whats going on in your marriage?

You will have to sort out your M to get that balance you want so bad. Is your M salvageable?

Is it in trouble because of the A?

I can tell you that throughout my A ,my marriage was getting worse and worse. When i ended the A and began investing the energy back in my M,things got bettee.

Im telling you what im telling myself:

Breath.

Focus.

This moment will pass.

[Forceawakensme]

After 10 days NC I spoke to MM this morning. I saw him yesterday but we didn't speak and then I unblocked him.

 

Today he texted. I replied.

 

It was a tense exchange.

 

Now I'm literally shaking. I am struggling with extreme self loathing.

 

My marriage is a mess. My life is falling apart.

 

All I want is someone to hold me and respect me and love me.

 

AMP:(( --- I hear you and understand.

 

Be so gentle with yourself right now. I had contact today w my xMM (though it was my reaching out and him rejecting me) -- but the pain is so fresh and raw tonight. I regret it of course -- but regret doesn't help now does it? --

 

What does help me now though is knowing that tomorrow i can get up and start afresh. Block him again, delete him again and know that tonight and that painful contact is in the rear view mirror.

 

You deserve to be loved and held and respected..... (for the record, i respect you for coming here and sharing so honestly -- it helps many people to read your story)..

 

We all know that the person to show you the affection, love and respect you want is not the AP though, contact with them is only further eroding our already damaged self-esteem. To get away from them completely is our only hope of healing... Im learning that again and again every time i (stupidly) break NC.

 

Dont worry about your marriage tonight, Just baby steps. You dont have to fix your life tonight.. Tonight you just focus on being gentle with yourself. Maybe take a bath or just do some stretches and tell yourself, everything is going to be ok. Forgiving yourself for being in contact and gently reminding yourself you are human, and can do better tomorrow.

 

Big (virtual) Hugs..XXx

[whichwayisup]

After 10 days NC I spoke to MM this morning. I saw him yesterday but we didn't speak and then I unblocked him.

 

Today he texted. I replied.

 

It was a tense exchange.

 

Now I'm literally shaking. I am struggling with extreme self loathing.

 

My marriage is a mess. My life is falling apart.

 

All I want is someone to hold me and respect me and love me.

 

I wish you loved and respected yourself most of all, Million.

 

Unblocking him was a mistake. This man CAN NOT and WILL NOT ever give you what you what and sadly, neither can your husband (though maybe some day your H can) until you find that love for yourself. What you're doing is self sabotage and is going to do more damage to you.

 

Make an appointment to go talk to someone today. Reach out to a trusted friend or another family member who you are close with.

[whichwayisup]

She said in her initial post that he texted her. So he broke NC first.

 

 

She unblocked him though. If she hadn't done that then the contact never would have happened.

[Amillionpieces]

Loneliness in my marriage is what led me down the path of an affair. It was destroying me to be that type of person so I ended it.

 

I'm lonlier than ever now. MM wasn't mean to me in the txt nor was he overly nice. It was just a how are you type thing. But it was painful to me because I KNOW he is not the answer to my loneliness.

 

I am just a human person who feels very alone. I can go have coffee with friends and I have kids that keep me busy and I have work. But I'm lonely. That's it. Today is a hard day.

[Rainbowlove]

Loneliness in my marriage is what led me down the path of an affair. It was destroying me to be that type of person so I ended it.

 

I'm lonlier than ever now. MM wasn't mean to me in the txt nor was he overly nice. It was just a how are you type thing. But it was painful to me because I KNOW he is not the answer to my loneliness.

 

I am just a human person who feels very alone. I can go have coffee with friends and I have kids that keep me busy and I have work. But I'm lonely. That's it. Today is a hard day.

 

We all have lonely days, Million. Every single one of us.

 

Married man is not the answer.

 

Marriage is not the answer.

 

What is?

 

The answer is within you. You have to dig deeper and be stronger.

 

When does therapy start?

 

Start a new hobby.

 

When I was at my loneliest (after ending affair), I thought of things I always wanted to do but hadn't and started doing them for me to reconnect with SELF.

 

I went horseback riding.

I refurbished chimineas and delivered them to friends

I refurbished furniture.

I did photography

I watched Dexter.

Talked to therapist.

 

Little by little, I started to feel like myself again. Then, once I was stronger, I could make decisions about my life for me.

 

You said it earlier...one day at a time, one step at a time...it's like that for a long time until you start learning to walk and run again...

 

Block the married man...he's only dragging you down deeper.

[AMJ]

I get what you mean about loneliness. It's not about being busy or having friends to have lunch with, because when you can't talk to people in your life about what's bothering you, you still feel alone. I'm going through that on a few levels myself. It's going to take time to sort this all out- but I have faith that you will get to the other side. You're a smart, hardworking, determined person. I think you'd benefit a lot from an anti-depressant. You mentioned that you were going to meet with a psychiatrist, hopefully that will happen soon?

 

I took effexor for about a year and basically it makes you feel more numb to all of the stressors and things that would be depressing you on a daily basis. It also made me gain weight, but that wasn't until we doubled the dosage. And I don't think that would be a problem for you, with all of your running! Which makes it easier to go about your day and be constructive with yourself, and productive. It's not going to help you feel less lonely, but it will help you feel less sad.

Edited February 1, 2016 by AMJ