Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[Liam1]

After 10 days NC I spoke to MM this morning. I saw him yesterday but we didn't speak and then I unblocked him.

 

 

 

All I want is someone to hold me and respect me and love me.

 

An affair is definitely not the place to find the things you mention that you want.

 

If you don't think you can find those things in your marriage, maybe it's time to divorce.

[bathtub-row]

I'm so sorry that happened. Sweetie, is there some reason why you're staying in your marriage? It seems all but completely dead.

[Amillionpieces]

I'm so sorry that happened. Sweetie, is there some reason why you're staying in your marriage? It seems all but completely dead.

 

Finances. Kids. The usual.

 

He's not a bad man. He just has a horrible wife.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Finances. Kids. The usual.

 

He's not a bad man. He just has a horrible wife.

 

Just because he's a good man doesn't mean he's good for you. There are plenty of good people out there who, when combined with the wrong person, are not good together.

 

You're not horrible. You're human. I know the urge to beat yourself up but honestly it's not doing you or anyone else any good. I think once you start seeing the therapist you're going to feel a world better. Have you considered reading "Baggage Reclaim"? It's a great website that's been helping me a lot- it might be worth a look?

[Midwestmissy]

Im the BS but during the affair, when I was rejected and discarded (without knowing why) I started volunteering in a soup kitchen 3 hrs a week. Pretty much everyone on this planet needs to be connected somehow. I was lacking it, and was so lonely. The homeless just wanted someone to ask them if they'd eaten yet today. Because they spend most of their lives with people afraid to make eye contact with them. I hate sounding trite, but it was life changing. And that positive outcome is backed by research btw.

 

You know he's (MM)not the answer - you will find the answer to what you need within yourself. We all say money and kids keep us married, but the truth is, we could walk away if we really wanted to. People get divorced every day. I have a feeling you want this marriage, and maybe admitting that makes you feel even worse about the affair. Be honest with yourself - do you love your husband? Swallow your pride and shame and ask yourself what you'd like the marriage to look like and work as a team to get there. Is it a low conflict, low passion, low satisfaction marriage? It can be addressed and dealt with. I don;t think you want to leave him, I think you don't know how to fix what's missing. on the plus side, you know and affair is not the answer. I'm really rooting for you.

[Amillionpieces]

Im the BS but during the affair, when I was rejected and discarded (without knowing why) I started volunteering in a soup kitchen 3 hrs a week. Pretty much everyone on this planet needs to be connected somehow. I was lacking it, and was so lonely. The homeless just wanted someone to ask them if they'd eaten yet today. Because they spend most of their lives with people afraid to make eye contact with them. I hate sounding trite, but it was life changing. And that positive outcome is backed by research btw.

 

You know he's (MM)not the answer - you will find the answer to what you need within yourself. We all say money and kids keep us married, but the truth is, we could walk away if we really wanted to. People get divorced every day. I have a feeling you want this marriage, and maybe admitting that makes you feel even worse about the affair. Be honest with yourself - do you love your husband? Swallow your pride and shame and ask yourself what you'd like the marriage to look like and work as a team to get there. Is it a low conflict, low passion, low satisfaction marriage? It can be addressed and dealt with. I don;t think you want to leave him, I think you don't know how to fix what's missing. on the plus side, you know and affair is not the answer. I'm really rooting for you.

 

You know what. I used to volunteer a lot. I loved it.

 

I am taking that advice and running with it. I also want to find paid work in a non profit so it won't hurt to volunteer.

 

I read this and sent a few emails already. I have some contacts in non-profit and I plan to go see them this week.

 

I also plan to go to a class tomorrow. New hobby so to speak.

 

I know 'I' need to fix me and I have to do it. If I don't make it to the class tomorrow so be it. I'll try again. And again.

[ShatteredLady]

I know this isn't going to be a popular answer but it's the honest truth as I see it... You're expecting too much of yourself. You're all too human & you know you've been down a horrible, terrible path.

 

I know total disillusionment with life, the universe & everything. The cruel isolation in this bleak, dark, wilderness is a perception & perceptions can change.

 

You have been through so much lately. Please start to forgive yourself. You will screw-up. This is so fresh & raw. People screw-up every moment of everyday.

 

You've fallen into the abyss & you're starting to claw your way out. It's going to take time, so much time & pain but I believe you're going to get there. I'm not just placating you. Your agony, your depth, your thoughts all make it clear to me that you're not a shallow, callous person. That's why you're so broken right now.

 

Life sucks sometimes. Please give yourself some slack. You know what I've endured. You know about my family. I promise you it can get better. Let yourself heal. You will be truly known & held & loved. You will find HOME.

 

Huge hugs. I'm sorry. There aren't enough words.

[Satu]

All in all

Each man in all men

all men in each man

All being in each being

Each being in all being

All in each

Each in all

All distinctions are mind, by mind, in

mind, of mind

No distinctions no mind to distinguish

 

 

- RD Laing, 'Knots.'

[13Hearts]

You know what. I used to volunteer a lot. I loved it.

 

I am taking that advice and running with it. I also want to find paid work in a non profit so it won't hurt to volunteer.

 

I read this and sent a few emails already. I have some contacts in non-profit and I plan to go see them this week.

 

I also plan to go to a class tomorrow. New hobby so to speak.

 

I know 'I' need to fix me and I have to do it. If I don't make it to the class tomorrow so be it. I'll try again. And again.

 

YAAAAAY! Reading this actually makes ME feel good, too!

[13Hearts]

I've been in a lot of relationships. I was always searching, but never finding. I committed to them all but none really committed to me. It was heartbreaking and for decades I felt alone and often lonely after a break-up. But eventually, I realized that was, in large part, because I let myself feel sorry for myself. That was where so much of my hurt was coming from. The other piece of the puzzle for me, I discovered, was in the wanting. Wanting someone else to bring to my life that which I thought I needed. It wasn't true. I didn't need anyone else to give me anything, or be anyone, I thought I wanted. When I let go of the wanting, I could see myself so much more clearly.

[Amillionpieces]

I'm having a hard time. I did wrong and I'm now achingly lonely. I have great kids but when they go to bed I'm left with nothing but tears and loneliness. I have contacted MM and he had contacted me but we have not resumed. It hurts to know he's also hurting. It hurts to know we've caused all this upon ourselves.

 

I separated from my husband and he is hurt. I struggle every minute with telling him about the A just so he knows 'why' I left. I am not and will not be with MM but I can't help be afraid husband will assume that's the why of he knows about the A. My kids are hurt from the separation.

 

 

All I want is a hug, really. I want to be worth a hug. I want to not cry every single night.

[Doublegold]

Amillionpieces

"All I want is a hug, really. I want to be worth a hug. I want to not cry every single night"

 

((HUGS)). I was worried about you, thought about you last night and how long it has been since you posted. I am sorry you are having such a hard time coping.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Doublegold

[xxoo]

 

 

All I want is a hug, really. I want to be worth a hug. I want to not cry every single night.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling.

 

You are worthy of hugs, and love. Do your children hug you daily? Soak those up.

 

I know you're mourning and comparing what is to what was. Of course it is a loss--of your marriage, of your mm. Look at what you have. You have your children, your dignity, your freedom, your future. I've known single moms who went through hell in relationships and choose to stay single and enjoy the peace with their children for a few years, as a great relief of being free from drama. You've chosen to be on your own for the time being. There is so much strength and power in that choice.

 

Wishing you peace in your soul.

[lemondrop21]

Sending you a BIG HUG from me.

 

I've never been married so I don't know what separation feels like, but I am another human who knows what seemingly-relentless pain feels like. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[jenkins95]

I'm having a hard time. I did wrong and I'm now achingly lonely. I have great kids but when they go to bed I'm left with nothing but tears and loneliness. I have contacted MM and he had contacted me but we have not resumed. It hurts to know he's also hurting. It hurts to know we've caused all this upon ourselves.

 

I separated from my husband and he is hurt. I struggle every minute with telling him about the A just so he knows 'why' I left. I am not and will not be with MM but I can't help be afraid husband will assume that's the why of he knows about the A. My kids are hurt from the separation.

 

 

All I want is a hug, really. I want to be worth a hug. I want to not cry every single night.

 

Massive hug amillionpieces (((HUG)))

 

I know it's almost impossible to take in now, but you will feel better one day. A million people have stood in your shoes - and they do recover. You are not alone. You are never alone on here - there's always someone around. Everyone makes mistakes in life, it's human nature - you did a bad thing but it doesn't make you a bad person. You will learn from this and turn your life around.

 

Be strong, one day after another and keep posting

[Jersey born raised]

If you could would you want to stay with your husband?

 

In my mind I go back and forth if you should be honest with your husband. Each gender has unique and similar reactions. In the case of an abuser ii would say do not. Grey Rock them and move on quickly. In any event among his first reactions will go to is who really is the father of your children. See you know the truth but how does he? Can he ever, short of a DNA test.

 

But are you really divorcing out of guilt or was your marriage really dead? My marriage had been for years before her affair. On DDay I offered to try if she end the affair, if not I wanted a divorce. See the thing is she would never have accepted because it was am exit affair. Both marriages failed, but he dumped her. Many of the emotions she felt you feel (although not guilt or shame). On a side note even though I was more then grateful for the opportunity to move on, the infidelity was extremely

[DownTheRabbitHole]

Wow, is this going to sound harsh. I'm sorry in advance for that.

 

OP, you are a coward. Don't feel too bad, all cheaters are. I don't say that to be mean, I say it because it is part of your personality that you need to deal with.

 

1. You couldn't deal with your problems at home, were too much of a coward to deal with your husband respectfully, and got into an affair.

 

2. When you realized that the affair was a problem you were too much of a coward to end it and face life without your high.

 

3. Now that you are facing the predictable demise of your affair, you are ready to run away rather than face the music.

 

The only way to change this is to decide to change it. Give yourself two hours of peace to think about it, and make a damned decision. You know you need to end the affair today. You need to get your resume together and find a new job. And you need to figure out if you are going to tell your husband or recommit yourself to creating the best marriage you can have. If you do decide to talk to him, here is some advice:

 

1. Him being a great conversationalist has nothing to do with it. I talk to all kinds of people without sleeping with them.

2. You can't blame your husbands poor conversation skills. You may talk more about your favorite flower, but obviously you are not talking about the important things either. Your communication is just as bad as his.

3. The problems in your marriage are due to both of you, but the affair is only your fault. You were weak, you were a coward, and you need to be able to take that. Do not further damage his psyche by blaming your weakness on him.

4. "Third base" is cheating. Period. This is not better than sex, and I suggest that you do not try telling your husband that this is better because ONLY the mouth he kisses had a strange penis in it. It will NOT go over well.

5. If you tell him the truth, be prepared to tell it all. Every question answered honestly, every experience open to your husbands curiosity. For a year, maybe longer.

 

It is time to stop running. You have it in your to be brave. You husband, your children, your life is waiting for you to grow up and face reality. We all have defining moments that change the course of our life. This is one of yours. What do you want tomorrow to be?

[Babs22]

Amillionpieces,

I tried to send you a private message today, not sure it is going through so I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I know this has been difficult for you. I am in the exact same boat as you and wanted you to know I am here if you needed someone to talk to.

 

Your last post here, you said you needed a hug. <<HUGS>>

 

I hope you are doing a little better now.

Babs

[66Charger]

A Million

 

I disagree that you are a coward. I have read the stories of those who cheat and love it, slam their H, or had their cake and slink quietly away with the occassional post about the love for the OM. No remorse at all and no conscience. That, to me s cowardice.

 

And then there are those whose infidelity tore at their soul. Who are so sad. We all watched you fall down, almost fracture into a million peices. Your inability to reconcile your behaviour with what you know is right, was obvious. You have now seperated from your husband. Maybe you are where you should be right now.

 

You have fallen, but you must get up now. I dont think the AP nor your Husband can help you. You have damaged yourself, and badly. But you know deep inside who you are and who you are not.

 

It took courage to post on the infidelity side. Of course you were torn to shreds, but there is always the initial barrage, and then the help comes.(sometimes), however I don't think the pillows and tissues side will help much either.

 

Someone once said "Go, and sin no more" Perhaps thats all you need to hear. And do.

[Josmatjes]

I'm having a hard time. I did wrong and I'm now achingly lonely. I have great kids but when they go to bed I'm left with nothing but tears and loneliness. I have contacted MM and he had contacted me but we have not resumed. It hurts to know he's also hurting. It hurts to know we've caused all this upon ourselves.

 

I separated from my husband and he is hurt. I struggle every minute with telling him about the A just so he knows 'why' I left. I am not and will not be with MM but I can't help be afraid husband will assume that's the why of he knows about the A. My kids are hurt from the separation.

 

 

All I want is a hug, really. I want to be worth a hug. I want to not cry every single night.

 

I am in the same boat so to speak. My husband and I are separated for 6 months now. He is not a bad man, I just needed things that he couldn't give me and vice versa. He knows I had an affair, he knows everything. We aren't separated because of that though. The affair was a symptom to a bigger issue that we are trying to solve. Xmm still contacts me now and then and as my therapist says " he is like a fox waiting at the henhouse door, the hen has to come out eventually" all he does is confuse me when we talk and I'm already broken and lonely. My kids are getting older and now have their own lives and I'm left alone a lot at night and that stinks. The one piece of advice that I can give you ( and myself) is to forgive yourself and find yourself. Neither your mm or your husband can help you do that. Spend time without them it you must cut ties w the mm cause it's toxic for you right now...