gettingstronger Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 This is EXACTLY how my marriage is as well. My husband is a good man too, I want for nothing, he denies me nothing (except a connection and closeness), we have a good life on the outside, we have no money problems, no family problems, nothing. Except we live like room mates and I have tried and tried to create a marriage and I have hit my head on the same brick wall so many times that I am tired of trying. My affair partner is everything I have wanted but never received from my husband. I don't know what to do. Perhaps I too, am ruined. It is impossible to compare two men - the husband and affair partner. However, it is possible to compare what is lacking in the marriage to what the affair partner brings. I have found myself doing this, I cannot help it. It highlights all that is wrong in my marriage, and it highlights all that I want from my marriage but cannot achieve no matter how hard I have tried. I went through years and years of IC because my husband refused to join me. None of it helped. If it had helped, I wouldn't be crying over another married man who I connected with on such a deep level that I never thought possible. If only I could have that with my husband. From your posts here, it does not seem like your relationship with your AP fits your needs either- the man you write about above as your AP is not really the same AP I see in other posts specifically about your relationship with him- I feel like both you and the OP here have something deeper going on- and I get it- life gets really, really heavy- I feel like its easy if you are pre-disposed to low self esteem and/or depression to seek and escape however, in the end it only compounds the issue- I hope for both of you that you find that peace you seek- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Amillionpieces, I understand what you are going through and how hard it is. Maybe we are just coward. At one point, we were ok with the siuation and dealt with it until someone comes along and gave us something that we didn't know we missed that much in our marriage. For me, I don't feel that it's something to end a marriage over and like you, I think of my wife as a great person too. I feel like I'm putting on a act to make her happy. Like you I don't want the AP either. I think it's just points to what's missing in our lives. If before family, maybe you or others in this similar situation would have just left and pursue the right person. Maybe if your AP weren't married, you might be more courageous to leave the marriage. Like Limeblue, I think we are just too caught up that marriage should be maintained, then it got to the point where you have a family and you need to think what is best for everyone as a unit, not just going after what is missing in our lives. In the end, we are in this time period where we must struggle with this unhappiness, depression, and just want to escape from everything until our head is clear. I'm at that state right now too. I don't get much done. At least for now, we hide our moods from our spouse and children, whom we want to protect. Hope you can ride this through. I tried to run until it's all out of the system, doesn't work! Limeblue, best wishes to you too. I understand what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Just to offer another perspective: I was a WW who had a d-day. My husband gave me a second chance. But I came very, very close to losing everything because of my own selfish choices. If he hadn't given me that second chance, I currently would not have my extended family, my home, my son, happy memories from the past few years. Maybe I would've been in a different place and content, but I'm pretty darn thankful and content with my life right now. It's easy to fall into focusing on everything that is missing and not working. Is my life/marriage perfect? Of course not; I'm a human. But in the aftermath of d-day I decided to focus on what is working, what is good. And that reframing of my life has changed me, and in turn our relationship, for the better. It's also allowed me to work on the things that aren't perfect with a more positive outlook, and move toward concrete changes for the better. I found that looking at everything that is wrong/missing just creates a vicious circle that can become more and more difficult to get out of. Not sure if this helps... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Just to offer another perspective: I was a WW who had a d-day. My husband gave me a second chance. But I came very, very close to losing everything because of my own selfish choices. If he hadn't given me that second chance, I currently would not have my extended family, my home, my son, happy memories from the past few years. Maybe I would've been in a different place and content, but I'm pretty darn thankful and content with my life right now. It's easy to fall into focusing on everything that is missing and not working. Is my life/marriage perfect? Of course not; I'm a human. But in the aftermath of d-day I decided to focus on what is working, what is good. And that reframing of my life has changed me, and in turn our relationship, for the better. It's also allowed me to work on the things that aren't perfect with a more positive outlook, and move toward concrete changes for the better. I found that looking at everything that is wrong/missing just creates a vicious circle that can become more and more difficult to get out of. Not sure if this helps... I get this I really do. I have it all. I'm not complaining about my life, it's me that's the problem. I'm restless. The daily drudgery of suburban family life can be suffocating. I used to run marathons, was crazy about it. Maybe I'll go back to that or skydiving or race car driving or some other form of excitement. I need to fix me. Husband is a good husband and father, kids are perfect. It's ME. I'm the problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Sounds like you do not have enough to occupy your mind. Go back to running marathons if that's what keeps you stimulated and intersted in life. Poppy. ps Life gets tedious but it's better than not having a life at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Sounds like you do not have enough to occupy your mind. Go back to running marathons if that's what keeps you stimulated and intersted in life. Poppy. ps Life gets tedious but it's better than not having a life at all. Haha not quite. I have a full time job and a part time business and three active kids in all sorts of activities and two dogs to walk etc etc. Too much to occupy my mind is more accurate. Yes I have a good life. I've never said otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 You do know that it's not a choice between your happiness and the kids security, right? It's entirely possible to have both. What makes kids feel secure is knowing they have parents that love them and who are involved in their lives. Those parents need not live in the same house to provide them that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Update. We saw each other last week a couple times. Just coffee. Chats. This week he said he'd join the gym. I go every day and was happy to hear that he'd join so we could occasionally go together. This morning he cancelled. I'm ashamed to say I lost my mind. Long story short I ended it. I can't take being this pathetic person desperate for his time. I can't take it anymore. I don't know what happens now. How the hell do I get over what I've done to myself? Don't start about my husband and family, I get it. Trust me I get it. But I'm actually very worried about my own well being at this point. I cannot be this person but I AM!! I really loved him. I really did. I'm such an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Do some reading about limerence. You may find something in there that resonates. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Million, You take it one day at a time. One minute at a time if necessary. Just think about how you don't want to be that person. Then, each minute, take a step toward NOT being that person. Take a step toward the person you want to be. As time grows, you will become stronger and able to take on the other issues at play. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Do some reading about limerence. You may find something in there that resonates. I have read about Limerence. I get it. We've been friends 1.5 years. Its not a few weeks of gaga. The fact that I love him doesn't change anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Million, You take it one day at a time. One minute at a time if necessary. Just think about how you don't want to be that person. Then, each minute, take a step toward NOT being that person. Take a step toward the person you want to be. As time grows, you will become stronger and able to take on the other issues at play. Good luck. Today is bad. I can't even move. Family will be home in an hour and I don't know how to even pretend everything is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I've said it before, NC. Keep telling yourself that every single time you contact MM it will lead to a meltdown. You mentioned that you're quite occupied but yet you find time to go out for coffee. Wear a rubberband on your wrist and use it every time you get an urge to contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 I've said it before, NC. Keep telling yourself that every single time you contact MM it will lead to a meltdown. You mentioned that you're quite occupied but yet you find time to go out for coffee. Wear a rubberband on your wrist and use it every time you get an urge to contact. The busier you are the easier it is to hide an hour. That's just a fact. I've isolated myself from all my friends. I need to reach out to someone but I'm afraid they'll not respond. My daughter came home and asked if I was sick. I said yes. So that's my cover for today at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Ohmyohmy Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 You can do this million You can get out of bed, get a coffee, start a new recipe for dinner. Get your kids to help, put on some upbeat music. You can do it. I feel your pain, many of us here empathize with you. Sending you strength and encouragement!! Ohmy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Today is bad. I can't even move. Family will be home in an hour and I don't know how to even pretend everything is ok. That is why you take it one minute, one hour at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. Yes, you love him. But that love is not healthy for you right now so you need to set it aside. And maybe right now is not the time to reach out after you've isolated yourself; if you're that fragile. Again, put that aside for now. Today, just focus on moving forward. Tomorrow, take one step at a time. After d-day I truly felt like I was in a deep hole of my own making that I'd never get out of. I did though. It was slow, it was hard. But I did it by grabbing just one rock at a time. You can too. One step at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 It must be SO painful to go through this with a family at home who you have to "fake it" for. I can't even imagine. Best of luck OP. You have already proven that you are a strong person because you are here, you are posting, you are trying to help yourself move forward. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I get this I really do. I have it all. I'm not complaining about my life, it's me that's the problem. I'm restless. The daily drudgery of suburban family life can be suffocating. I used to run marathons, was crazy about it. Maybe I'll go back to that or skydiving or race car driving or some other form of excitement. I need to fix me. Husband is a good husband and father, kids are perfect. It's ME. I'm the problem. Then do go to counseling and fix yourself. You're broken and nothing is going to fix you (not your kids, husband or MM) until you face your own issues and sort it out. Update. We saw each other last week a couple times. Just coffee. Chats. This week he said he'd join the gym. I go every day and was happy to hear that he'd join so we could occasionally go together. This morning he cancelled. I'm ashamed to say I lost my mind. Long story short I ended it. I can't take being this pathetic person desperate for his time. I can't take it anymore. I don't know what happens now. How the hell do I get over what I've done to myself? Don't start about my husband and family, I get it. Trust me I get it. But I'm actually very worried about my own well being at this point. I cannot be this person but I AM!! I really loved him. I really did. I'm such an idiot. Maybe you need to separate for a while. Go to a clinic that helps those with issues and be on your own. Just a thought...Not a mental health clinic but like a starting over house (like the tv show that is now off air, google it) with life coaches who help women get back on their feet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 You're all wrong. I can't do this. I left home. I walked two hours to my mothers house. (She's out of town). Maybe the day will come when I can do this but that day is not today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 You're all wrong. I can't do this. I left home. I walked two hours to my mothers house. (She's out of town). Maybe the day will come when I can do this but that day is not today. What, then, do you mean when you say "I can't do this"? What specifically is "THIS"? Maybe narrowing it down to what THIS is can provide more helpful and supportive feedback, and provide you the start of a path moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 What, then, do you mean when you say "I can't do this"? What specifically is "THIS"? Maybe narrowing it down to what THIS is can provide more helpful and supportive feedback, and provide you the start of a path moving forward. Yes, OP, you seem really keen on punishing yourself. And not so keen on working through the issues. Maybe those things need to invert. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 What, then, do you mean when you say "I can't do this"? What specifically is "THIS"? Maybe narrowing it down to what THIS is can provide more helpful and supportive feedback, and provide you the start of a path moving forward. THIS is pretending I'm an upstanding citizen, wife and mother. I'm garbage. They don't deserve me. I certainly don't deserve them. I reached out to a couple of friends. They were unavailable. Honesty I was hoping my mother had pills to help me sleep. She does not so I just sit here and cry. Selfish? Yes. That seems to be what I'm made of. Link to post Share on other sites
Ohmyohmy Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Million I totally hear where you are coming from You are suffering a huge loss!!! You can't hide your devastation, you can't be honest with your family which compounds the panic...got it... All the advice in the world here won't make you feel any better... I hope you can get to your IC for an emergency appointment tomorrow. I hope you can get started mourning this relationship and stay NC. I hope you can take tonight to clear your head, wake up with a little hope and then get home and get back to your kids... Just a thought...have you considered finding a Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting? I'm not saying your addicted to love or sex but you might find some IRL people to give you support, nonjudgemental positive support...to talk things through with? Just a thought Big hugs Oh my Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amillionpieces Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 I don't deserve support. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 It's difficult and we do beat ourselves up. Yes, you were an idiot. You can move on from that. You can begin to understand the mindset of an affair. I know you aren't ready to hear that yet. Whether it's his psyche or yours, the further you get away from it, the more clarity and peace will come. You don't have to be open to the support (yes, it is support) and advice that is being provided, but it will resonate later. A lot of us have been there. We know. And, we've made it to the other side. Don't dismiss the advice and true understanding you are getting. Don't misunderstand it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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