Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[ShatteredLady]

I've sat in America on the telephone to my Mum in England talking to her as she overdosed. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do but I was paralyzed to stop talking & put the phone down on her & miss the last words that she would ever say.

 

How do you try to convince your Mum that you love her enough, that you will do anything, that you're good enough to live for?

 

She's an extremely private & proud lady. I knew that phoning for help, making it 'public', having anyone see her like that would be mortifying for her. I hung-up & called for an ambulance. Her stomach was pumped & she survived.

 

A few years later my big brother, only sibling, committed suicide. I was terrified that my Mum would try again. I felt so powerless, so small, so irrelevant. I still do.

 

I've been writing an erasing for so long. I need to say something to you but I know I'm useless. I couldn't talk my Mum out of it & I was obviously of even less use to my brother.

 

I'll tell you something very secret & very hard to confess... At times I resent my brother. If I didn't know the emotional carnage he left in his wake it would/could be an option for me. I know that's sick.

 

At the end of the day all I can say is "I know!". You're not alone. So many people feel what you feel. Some get through it & others don't. Those who chose the final solution never get a chance to put it right. I know the lies you tell yourself & they are lies!

 

No-one you love is better without you. They will be forever changed, broken inside. People who have never experienced the suicide of a loved one knows. Even the most empathic ones don't get it & never will. Just like someone who has never prayed for the courage to die will ever understand what it's like.

 

If you truly need to just let go. Phone for help. If you don't have that last ounce of strength to hold on just let them take you! Honestly! PLEASE believe me. If you can't carry on.... go to hospital. They will take the weight from you until you're ready to manage it & guide you back to your loved ones.

 

You can let go & rest.

 

There's nothing wrong with waving the white flag. They will medicate you. You will sleep. They will hold you up until you can take the weight & most importantly they will give you the tools to live again for yourself & for the people you love.

 

Taking your life is taking a chunk of the lives of so many that you love AND you can never even say sorry.

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this, experiencing this. I know.

 

Ugh! I don't even know if I should post this! Please. I just want you to see that it won't be like this next year. This is something you will look back on in your life. This isn't you for always.

[Amillionpieces]

Police will not let up. They keep calling. They went to my house twice.

 

I'm not telling them where I am.

 

You know what? This anger has made me stop crying for the first time in 6 hours. So there's that.

[Amillionpieces]

I've sat in America on the telephone to my Mum in England talking to her as she overdosed. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do but I was paralyzed to stop talking & put the phone down on her & miss the last words that she would ever say.

 

How do you try to convince your Mum that you love her enough, that you will do anything, that you're good enough to live for?

 

She's an extremely private & proud lady. I knew that phoning for help, making it 'public', having anyone see her like that would be mortifying for her. I hung-up & called for an ambulance. Her stomach was pumped & she survived.

 

A few years later my big brother, only sibling, committed suicide. I was terrified that my Mum would try again. I felt so powerless, so small, so irrelevant. I still do.

 

I've been writing an erasing for so long. I need to say something to you but I know I'm useless. I couldn't talk my Mum out of it & I was obviously of even less use to my brother.

 

I'll tell you something very secret & very hard to confess... At times I resent my brother. If I didn't know the emotional carnage he left in his wake it would/could be an option for me. I know that's sick.

 

At the end of the day all I can say is "I know!". You're not alone. So many people feel what you feel. Some get through it & others don't. Those who chose the final solution never get a chance to put it right. I know the lies you tell yourself & they are lies!

 

No-one you love is better without you. They will be forever changed, broken inside. People who have never experienced the suicide of a loved one knows. Even the most empathic ones don't get it & never will. Just like someone who has never prayed for the courage to die will ever understand what it's like.

 

If you truly need to just let go. Phone for help. If you don't have that last ounce of strength to hold on just let them take you! Honestly! PLEASE believe me. If you can't carry on.... go to hospital. They will take the weight from you until you're ready to manage it & guide you back to your loved ones.

 

You can let go & rest.

 

There's nothing wrong with waving the white flag. They will medicate you. You will sleep. They will hold you up until you can take the weight & most importantly they will give you the tools to live again for yourself & for the people you love.

 

Taking your life is taking a chunk of the lives of so many that you love AND you can never even say sorry.

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this, experiencing this. I know.

 

Ugh! I don't even know if I should post this! Please. I just want you to see that it won't be like this next year. This is something you will look back on in your life. This isn't you for always.

 

 

Thank you for posting that. Really.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't deserve support.

 

I know that things have taken a very hard turn for you internally. (And perhaps externally).

 

This may seem VERY much the wrong thing to say, but it worked for me when my husband says it.

 

When I get very hard on myself or depressed, like saying "I don't deserve something" my husband pipes up and says something along the lines of:

 

"I'm not going to tell you the usual crap about your feelings being perfectly valid etc. In this case it's actually NOT what you think, its what everybody else thinks. And all of your feelings are wrong." There's a lot lost in the delivery via text.

 

But in this case, amillionpieces, you do deserve support, everyone thinks so, and your feelings of worthlessness and depression are "all wrong." As much as feelings can be wrong.

 

So I think everyone on this thread would agree that you deserve support and that you aren't as awful of a person that you might be feeling right now.

 

Hopefully that doesn't sound as callous and cold as it could.

[ShatteredLady]

Once you're in hospital it's private. You can say anything to the specialists & they will NOT ever let anyone know. I know this to be true. They can't tell by law.

[Amillionpieces]

Once you're in hospital it's private. You can say anything to the specialists & they will NOT ever let anyone know. I know this to be true. They can't tell by law.

 

Crisis line I supposed to be anonymous as well.

 

I told them I was having an affair.

 

Now the police know.

 

I trust no one. Fool me once ...

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for posting that. Really.

 

Honestly. The hospital isn't that bad. I dated one of bipolar twins in my late teens / early 20s. I was also suicidal through that period. One of the three of us used to practically rotate hospital stays.

 

I haven't had an issue in over a decade. It doesn't "make you" anything. It was more like short vacation where I could gather my thoughts without having expectations drowning me out. Plus its confidential.

 

You get a break, there's TV and games and stuff. Cafeteria. Etc.

 

I know the "ramifications" seem "scary" but the actual hospital itself can be pretty calming to leave the outside world outside.

[Amillionpieces]

Honestly. The hospital isn't that bad. I dated one of bipolar twins in my late teens / early 20s. I was also suicidal through that period. One of the three of us used to practically rotate hospital stays.

 

I haven't had an issue in over a decade. It doesn't "make you" anything. It was more like short vacation where I could gather my thoughts without having expectations drowning me out. Plus its confidential.

 

You get a break, there's TV and games and stuff. Cafeteria. Etc.

 

I know the "ramifications" seem "scary" but the actual hospital itself can be pretty calming to leave the outside world outside.

 

Nope. Not me. I'm too old I've lived here too long. One of the docs is prob a client or a neighbor. Not happening.

[Amillionpieces]

Listen, I appreciate those of you trying to help me. Let's be cleR on that. I do.

 

I'm fine. I'll be fine.

[dreamingoftigers]

Crisis line I supposed to be anonymous as well.

 

I told them I was having an affair.

 

Now the police know.

 

I trust no one. Fool me once ...

 

Well they can forward off pertinent details "within the system." I know THAT'S not comfortable, but they can't release it to anyone family or otherwise etc. Seriously. If they did, you could retire off of the lawsuit.

 

The crisis lines are required by law to report suicide threats or concerns. I hate how they set people up that way.

 

The police for sure know about the affair? Or do they just know about the crisis?

[ShatteredLady]

Doctor patient confidentiality is DIFFERENT!! It's the law.

 

I don't want to sound flip but if a doctor tells ANYONE ANYTHING you will be a VERY rich lady when you get a lawyer!

[ShatteredLady]

A shrink or help line MUST contact the police if they professionally believe that you are a danger to yourself or others. That's the law.

[Amillionpieces]

Well they can forward off pertinent details "within the system." I know THAT'S not comfortable, but they can't release it to anyone family or otherwise etc. Seriously. If they did, you could retire off of the lawsuit.

 

The crisis lines are required by law to report suicide threats or concerns. I hate how they set people up that way.

 

The police for sure know about the affair? Or do they just know about the crisis?

 

They know about the crisis but they knew I wanted a cigarette. That I said to the crisis line. So I'll assume the worst.

 

Police are threatening to go to the media now. I have no choice but to let them take me away. I can't have myself a missing person for ****sakes!

[dreamingoftigers]

Nope. Not me. I'm too old I've lived here too long. One of the docs is prob a client or a neighbor. Not happening.

 

Where I am (idk in you are Canada or USA), I was allowed to request the facility IF I went willingly and they didn't have to "Form 10" me.

 

So ask to go to the one a town over or something.

 

If you are in a small area, you'll probably be in and out in a couple hours. Your tax dollars at work.

[Marc878]

Call your brother

[Amillionpieces]

Well folks. My title was correct. Ruined.

 

I have ruined myself by having an affair.

 

No I didn't even ruin my family (yet) or his family (yet).

 

I have ruined myself. I'm putting my coat on the police are coming to take me to the goddamn loony bin.

 

Thanks for reading. I'm sure this was of some entertainment value to some of you.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sincerely sorry. Truly.

[Marc878]

Well folks. My title was correct. Ruined.

 

I have ruined myself by having an affair.

 

No I didn't even ruin my family (yet) or his family (yet).

 

I have ruined myself. I'm putting my coat on the police are coming to take me to the goddamn loony bin.

 

Thanks for reading. I'm sure this was of some entertainment value to some of you.

 

Not entertaining but painfull to read.

[whatatangledweb]

No one was entertained. We are worried and concerned about you. I'm sorry that you are being taken against your will. That also happened to me. I hope they can help you deal with everything and show you how to see that you are worth a hell of a lot. No one there will tell your husband about the affair without your permission.

[dreamingoftigers]

They know about the crisis but they knew I wanted a cigarette. That I said to the crisis line. So I'll assume the worst.

 

Police are threatening to go to the media now. I have no choice but to let them take me away. I can't have myself a missing person for ****sakes!

 

It's easier to go voluntarily.

 

You can access the resources if you choose, but mostly its in and out. They have to check to make sure you are going to be okay, but mostly its part of the system.

 

In fact, I had a friend whose ex used to call in fake claims of suicide threats on him. (Jerk). So once every few weeks for a few months post break-up my friend would get dragged to the hospital.

 

You'd be surprised how many people been in and out. Just no one talks about it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well folks. My title was correct. Ruined.

 

I have ruined myself by having an affair.

 

No I didn't even ruin my family (yet) or his family (yet).

 

I have ruined myself. I'm putting my coat on the police are coming to take me to the goddamn loony bin.

 

Thanks for reading. I'm sure this was of some entertainment value to some of you.

 

Honestly, its more like the "pre-Loony bin" you'll be fine.

 

Yes it's embarrassing but it really isn't something to make yourself feel worse about. And really, no one wants to see you hurting. You aren't a "burden" or "undeserving." Its tough to see in the middle of it all though. You're under a ton of stress. For some people, this is how it manifests.

 

Anyone who's entertained by this belongs in the Loony Bin.

 

I hope you feel better in the morning. Avoid the food trays there. Been in the hospital and visited people in a few provinces / states. Avoid the food on the trays! Awful stuff.

[ChickiePops]

It's not a loony bin. My mom was committed more than once and she wasn't crazy, just sad.

 

The good news is that there's nowhere to go but up.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible for them to take you to hospital in another town?

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[AMJ]

[]

 

Millionpieces, I'm actually saddened by how much you are punishing yourself. No one should tell you how to feel, but I can say that you do deserve support, you deserve your family's love, and you are not a terrible person. Even if your family finds out about what has happened, they will recover from the pain. Families hurt each other every day, in so many ways. You are human, and you made a mistake.

Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[waterwoman]

Please don't think of it as a 'loony' bin'. it's a place where you can be safe and begin to heal - a temporary place. I would never gloat or be happy to see anyone where you are. I am a chronic depressive so there are times when I have lost it and been suicidal - I know how it feels. You want someone to magically fix everything because it's so hard to do yourself, but you don't want anyone to know how bad/weak you are. You did a brave and good thing by ringing the crisis line - I know how hard it is to ask for that help. And the emergency services did their bit (even though you are upset about it now).

 

Long term please consider taking up running again - even if you don't reach marathon standard at first. It is the best mood enhancer I know. I used to use a gym but I found it a bit noisy and oppressive and far from relaxing. Once I started to run outside I never looked back.

 

good luck xx