Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[goodyblue]

I know we have encouraged you before, but I would like you to again consider counseling. It isn't that you are not inuitive or somehow don't understand, but counseling can help you sort out your feelings and thoughts in a safe, quiet and confidential environment. It will help you determine if you love MM or the thought of who you are with MM. It will help you see if you love your husband or if you just have warm thoughts for him. It will help you choose a path - to tell, to end the marriage, to end the affair, etc. And when it comes to finally dealing with others' emotions - if the A gets discovered or you tell - you will have the emotional skill sets to help others navigate this rough terrain,'particularly your children's terrain.

 

Your life is not ruined and you are not a horrible person. But you are lost and alone. I would wager that is why you came here. Unfortunately, none of us - despite our advice and experiences - are really qualified to help you. A counselor can do that well. Please consider it for your own sake as well as for your girls. The more emotionally stable you are, the better you can handle the entire situation.

 

Hugs, GG

 

Love... you just don't realize how lost you sound.I am going to really try here...there have been several, OW, MM,OM, BS who have mentioned therapy. Please....consider it. You need a real life, in the flesh person to be accountable to.

[Amillionpieces]

Love... you just don't realize how lost you sound.I am going to really try here...there have been several, OW, MM,OM, BS who have mentioned therapy. Please....consider it. You need a real life, in the flesh person to be accountable to.

 

I am going to consider it. After xmas no money but I'm going to start looking into my options.

 

I do realize how lost I am and yes that's why I'm here.

[uneek74]

@ a MILLION, I see that you are drowning here with the negative remarks and comments that seen to basically reveal what other's would do, if it were them. Well, it's not them and you should do what you feel is best for you and your marriage. It saddens me when people come for support only to get shot down by others. A's are difficult to say the least, I don't think people wake up, and say "hey I am going to have an affair today". They happen, and each should deal with them the way that suits them and their family. There are some tough consequences to affairs don't get me wrong, but the heart, mind and ego are in conflict with one another and this clouds our logic sometimes. The woman in the story in the good book, was told to "Go and Sin No More" He didn't bash her and stone her as expected by the crowd.

[awkward]

You have a couple of choices here.

 

1. End the affair - it looks like your not ready.

 

2. Go deeper underground - putting more pressure on your MM won't help. Less contact would lessen your chance of your entire world being ruined.

 

3. End your marriage - it looks like your not ready.

 

4. Start counseling tomorrow.

 

IMO if you continue on the same path with no changes, your true D-Day is less than a month away. Your husband and kids can see your anxiety/depression. Sooner or later he is going to check your email, phone records, GPS, VAR, etc. Maybe your kids will ask Daddy why you were arguing with that man at their soccer game.

 

MM's wife and kids are on high alert. Daddy is acting strange. MM's wife likely will consider checking his email, phone records, GPS, VAR, etc.

 

You will get caught. You will be thrown under the bus. It will hurt. One day you will wake up and wish you had the chance to do this another way. Your kids and husband will never look at you the same. Right now you are being selfish. Put your family first and get help. Make a decision to change this situation. Right now you are standing in the rain flapping your arms shouting I need help. Help yourself.

[Babs22]

Yes. I wonder that. After the first mini d-day I lost my mind. Not because we almost got caught but how I thought I'd have to stop taking to him. This is what I mean about the corner I'm in. I can't win here either way so it's time to pick my family and be unhappy. If he left his wife today and said 'come with me' I can't see how that would make me happy destroying two families. There's no happy ending here.

 

Hey, affairs are paradoxical in nature. You want it but you can't really have it. You're painted into a corner but you're the one holding the brush.

 

Amillionpieces,

i relate so much to what you are going through. As a matter of fact, before reading your post above, I just wrote that very same line in bold to a friend of mine in regards to my own A. I am thinking of ending my affair. The difference is my A is 3 years long and thankfully has not been discovered yet by my H or his wife. He does not have children, but I do. My youngest is about to turn 18. I relate so much to what you have said about your H and not having things in common. I have no idea if my M can be saved, I suppose as long as I am willing to accept things between my H and I the way they are, then it can. I do not see him changing anything and I could no sooner see him at a MC than I could see him on the moon. That being said, I know and I have known for at least two years that I cannot be with my MM. He won't leave his W. So, do I want to stay in a relationship that can go nowhere? Like minnasotagirl said, "You want it, but you can't have it." If you stay in the A, it won't be any different a year and a half from now than it is now. The R is like Groundhogs Day repeating itself over and over. It doesn't matter if you love each other or not, it's not going to change. I am not sure why I have stayed in my A so long.

 

My recommendation to you is to end your A now. Yes, it will hurt, but it will hurt if you do it now or 3 years into the A. It won't hurt any less by waiting and the pain that you experience during the time you stay together is not worth it. You both have a lot to lose if the A is discovered. Ending it now is the most mature and selfless thing to do. I do hope you can get some counseling since all this stress is affecting you physically.

 

Should either one of us stay married? Who knows? That is something we both will need to figure out after we end our As. I won't be telling my H about my A. In your case, with some semi-discovery going on, that is a decision only you can make. I agree with other posters who have said, once you put it out there, it cannot be taken back. I wish you luck in ending your A and hope you can get back to a place where you are not so upset.

[Amillionpieces]

Thanks to all of you for the replies. Even the ones that were hard to hear!!

 

I have aquired the name of a therapist and I'm calling in the morning to make appointment. I need to figure out if I'm having a nervous breakdown or if I actually am this unhappy with my marriage. I need to figure out why I'm in this mess with MM. I need to figure out how I got here.

 

I'm very sceptical of therapy being the answer but I'm at least willing to try.

[whichwayisup]

Therapy isn't the full answer, but it will certainly make you understand why you allowed yourself to get close to another man instead of facing your issues at home with your husband. You will learn about "you" and learn better coping skills so you can make healthier and honest choices for yourself in the future.

 

There's a good possibility that you've rewritten some marital history to justify your affair, maybe because you let yourself fall in love with MM and detach from your H it was easy to detach and get irritated/mad at your H and see his faults in a worse way pushing you even closer to MM.

 

You have a lot of time work through this but you MUST stay away from MM if you want to see what's left with your husband, your love for him and if your marriage is salvageable or would it best to just divorce and be on your own.

[Poppy47]

Therapy can be a very good beginning to understanding why you have landed here. Make sure you get a good therapist.

 

YOu really have to want to do it though. I think your posts are saying that you are at the end of the A.

 

Poppy.

[Amillionpieces]

Therapy can be a very good beginning to understanding why you have landed here. Make sure you get a good therapist.

 

YOu really have to want to do it though. I think your posts are saying that you are at the end of the A.

 

Poppy.

 

The A is not officially over but I am certainly headed that way. I saw him the day before yesterday and we just talked. He is in serious trouble in the marriage right now and it scares me to death. I really don't think its a story on his end, because such a story would not win him points with me. I do NOT want him to separate or divorce (for any reason) while he's tangled up with me. After some soul searching if I decide to divorce I don't want to be tangled up with MM. If I decide to stay I can't be tangled up with MM. I do know for sure that we can't keep carrying on like this.

 

I'm supposed to work today but I'm not going in. I'm going to run until I puke instead. I'm leaving my phone home on counter 'accidentally'. Conflict avoidance yes, but today that's the best I can do.

[Ms. Faust]

How w is he in serious trouble? Is the wife on to him still?

[Amillionpieces]

How w is he in serious trouble? Is the wife on to him still?

 

They've had problems a long time. She thinks something is going on but no proof. She's telling him divorce is happening but I think that's how they fight (threatening divorce) so I don't take it too seriously except this time seems pretty bad. He has given details about her taking access to money from him this week and that sort of thing but I take it all with a grain of salt. I don't want him to divorce, I really don't.

 

He tried to reach me this morning and I said I was at the gym and busy. He asked if he could call me tonight after kids are asleep and I said no that calling me is off the table. He says she won't let him get a new phone and won't let him have any money to do it himself. I said that all sounds stupid and if it's true I feel bad for his miserable life and if it's not true he's lying and either way it's not my problem. Him breaking his phone on boxing day might have been the best thing to help me realize how messed up this is. Apparently I have a shred of self respect left which is nice I suppose.

 

I plan to just keep him at arms length for now. It's not the answer and I know I need to make a decision but maybe if I seem a little less 'eager' he'll just leave me alone and help me see this more clearly. Basically Im trying to get him to prove that he's using me and without any benefits he'll move on. It might sound crazy but demonizing him seems the easiest way for me to move on. I Don't need a long conversation where I cry about how I feel and all that. I'm not allowing myself that level of vulnerability, plus I've done that in the past. He knows how I feel.

 

I'll be able to avoid him at work without it looking like I'm avoiding him.

 

Of course my fear is that he'll start in on his own proclamations of love and so on. But my money's on him eventually giving up.

 

I ran 10 miles this morning. Self loathing and hatred is a great motivator.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him to respect your wishes to give you space and leave you alone. (Not to call, write, email, text, or try to talk to you at work.) That if he has any shred of genuine care and respect for you, he'll do as you ask.

[Amillionpieces]

I had my first therapy appointment. I mostly talked. She was nice. I Will have to give it a few more tries because I don't really see it helping. It was good to talknto someone about this relationship for sure.

[sandylee1]

I had my first therapy appointment. I mostly talked. She was nice. I Will have to give it a few more tries because I don't really see it helping. It was good to talknto someone about this relationship for sure.

 

Well done... that's a good start.

 

Talking does help you know. Sometimes when you say things out loud. .. it becomes real...and it can assist in reflecting on everything.

 

The thing with therapy.......is that you need to know what you want out of it.

 

The therapist is there to guide you in reaching the place you want to be.

[Amillionpieces]

Well done... that's a good start.

 

Talking does help you know. Sometimes when you say things out loud. .. it becomes real...and it can assist in reflecting on everything.

 

The thing with therapy.......is that you need to know what you want out of it.

 

The therapist is there to guide you in reaching the place you want to be.

 

 

I told her that I wanted to know why I am doing this but more importantly why I find it so hard to stop.

[sandylee1]

I told her that I wanted to know why I am doing this but more importantly why I find it so hard to stop.

 

 

Perhaps because he makes you feel good about yourself and that's something we all crave.

[whichwayisup]

I had my first therapy appointment. I mostly talked. She was nice. I Will have to give it a few more tries because I don't really see it helping. It was good to talknto someone about this relationship for sure.

 

DO NOT quit counseling! Be honest, truthful and up front with your therapist. Right now you feel it won't help because it's your first session. It can take a while to feel comfortable and ready to face your demons and really open up. Stay positive and TELL yourself over and over again that counseling WILL help you.

[whichwayisup]

I told her that I wanted to know why I am doing this but more importantly why I find it so hard to stop.

 

Think of MM as an addiction. You love how he makes you feel, the highs of the affair, even the lows because you know the highs are around the corner and that will make you feel great again.

 

The love you have with him is unhealthy and damaging, this is how you have to view it all. Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to him. You will see this as time goes on and IF the affair is actually completely over. (staying in NC etc..)

[Bittersweetie]

DO NOT quit counseling! Be honest, truthful and up front with your therapist. Right now you feel it won't help because it's your first session. It can take a while to feel comfortable and ready to face your demons and really open up. Stay positive and TELL yourself over and over again that counseling WILL help you.

 

Agree. It will take a bit for all the stuff you talk about in counseling to start falling into place and make some sense. I think my first appt was one big word vomit. But as time went by, and I started reflecting on my words and thoughts in the appointment, I came to realizations, then actions. Good luck!

[Amillionpieces]

Think of MM as an addiction. You love how he makes you feel, the highs of the affair, even the lows because you know the highs are around the corner and that will make you feel great again.

 

The love you have with him is unhealthy and damaging, this is how you have to view it all. Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to him. You will see this as time goes on and IF the affair is actually completely over. (staying in NC etc..)

 

The affair is not over. I've been keeping a bit of distance this week but it's certainly not over.

 

I made next appointment for next week. Id like to go every day but I can't afford that.

[BuddyX]

End the Affair Now.

Put a picture of your kids on your phone. Every time he calls or text just remind yourself of the possible damage.

Going to a shrink is useless if you're still deep in the Fog.

[Amillionpieces]

End the Affair Now.

Put a picture of your kids on your phone. Every time he calls or text just remind yourself of the possible damage.

Going to a shrink is useless if you're still deep in the Fog.

 

I don't think its useless if it helps me to end it and helps me through that.

[BuddyX]

Yes, but your first step is to NC.

When digging yourself into a whole first thing you have to do is stop digging. We, this forum, and your shrink have told you to NC, but you feel you're somehow special or this affair is different.

 

I encourage NC strictly for your own sanity.

[Amillionpieces]

Yes, but your first step is to NC.

When digging yourself into a whole first thing you have to do is stop digging. We, this forum, and your shrink have told you to NC, but you feel you're somehow special or this affair is different.

 

I encourage NC strictly for your own sanity.

 

I dont think I'm special. Let's make that clear.

 

I'm caught up in this relationship. It's wonderful and horrible but most of all it's wrong and dangerous and I know I need to stop. Have I not made that clear?

 

I TOOK THE ADVICE I got here and started to see a therapist. For the FIRST time in my life.

 

I'm keeping him at arms length this week as I try and sort my head out.

 

He is a person who I get along with at a time when I'm not getting along with very many people. It's really ****ing hard for me to the point that I'm on a public forum sharing my secrets and going to therapy.

 

He's not a monster or a predator. We're equally at fault for where we are. Him and I are exactly the same in our situation. Yes I'm cracking under the stress of this action but he's not skipping along without feeling. It's hard for both of us. No I don't think we're destined to be together, I think we're destined for a trainwreck. It's some sort of self sabotage that I don't understand.

 

Apparenty you should only post here if you bow down to every reply. Apparently getting advice and following the advice is not enough.

[Rainbowlove]

I dont think I'm special. Let's make that clear.

 

I'm caught up in this relationship. It's wonderful and horrible but most of all it's wrong and dangerous and I know I need to stop. Have I not made that clear?

 

I TOOK THE ADVICE I got here and started to see a therapist. For the FIRST time in my life.

 

I'm keeping him at arms length this week as I try and sort my head out.

 

He is a person who I get along with at a time when I'm not getting along with very many people. It's really ****ing hard for me to the point that I'm on a public forum sharing my secrets and going to therapy.

 

He's not a monster or a predator. We're equally at fault for where we are. Him and I are exactly the same in our situation. Yes I'm cracking under the stress of this action but he's not skipping along without feeling. It's hard for both of us. No I don't think we're destined to be together, I think we're destined for a trainwreck. It's some sort of self sabotage that I don't understand.

 

Apparenty you should only post here if you bow down to every reply. Apparently getting advice and following the advice is not enough.

 

I think you are in a better state of mind than you think you are...trust me.

 

You are aware you are broken and lost. You are not delusional thinking you are meant to "be together" and you take responsibility for your own actions.

 

And you are seeing a therapist.

 

You are doing some very positive things to help you - GET OUT.

 

You can get it out. It will take strength. It will also take being willing to hurt your own heart by ending it....because it will hurt to end it...but you're also hurting yourself by staying in it.

 

It's toxic and addicting. It's also attention, and ego stroking and now you are both "in it together"...but...you ARE NOT responsible for him or his actions.

 

You obviously feel shame for what you've done.

 

Only YOU can save YOU. Only YOU can get you OUT. END IT.

 

Take back control of your life. Cut him off and deal with the pain of that...and begin to HEAL yourself...and find yourself.

 

I've been exactly where you are.

 

YOU CAN GET OUT.

 

If you want to.