Today is a hard day. Spoke to MM.

[Popsicle]

I just wanted to clarify that MM does none of those things. We've each never said a bad word about the spouses. why does everyone assume I'm so easily led astray. We BOTH got here, we BOTH are doing the wrong thing.

 

He's talking about the responses here from OW. lol

[Amillionpieces]

He's talking about the responses here from OW. lol

 

I don't understand.

[Popsicle]

You know you can post something in the Infidelity section if you really need help stopping your affair. The people there (mostly BS's) are not actively involved in an A but can tell you how to get through to the other side as a married person and how to help your husband and marriage.

[Popsicle]

I don't understand.

 

He didn't like the advice you were getting here from other women who have been in or are in an affair.

[Rainbowlove]

You know you can post something in the Infidelity section if you really need help stopping your affair. The people there (mostly BS's) are not actively involved in an A but can tell you how to get through to the other side as a married person and how to help your husband and marriage.

 

I agree with Popsicle.

 

You may get whacked a bit by some folks, but there's a good majority of people who will support you and offer help.

 

Stay on the forums and keep asking for help.

[Amillionpieces]

Well I'm in this forum because I AM involved in an affair. I haven't stopped and I don't know when I'm going to stop.

 

I'm getting ripped apart here enough, why feed the BS with my story?

 

Even if I go down in flames maybe someone reading will think twice about getting into this mess. It's torure. I wish I stopped long ago, back when it was just too much coffee. One day we said to each other 'this is cometely innappropriate'. We should have stopped then.

[MJJean]

Well I'm in this forum because I AM involved in an affair. I haven't stopped and I don't know when I'm going to stop.

 

I'm getting ripped apart here enough, why feed the BS with my story?

 

Even if I go down in flames maybe someone reading will think twice about getting into this mess. It's torure. I wish I stopped long ago, back when it was just too much coffee. One day we said to each other 'this is cometely innappropriate'. We should have stopped then.

 

A lot of the BS's on this forum have reconciled. They've had experience with an affair ending and trying to save a marriage in the aftermath. Others weren't able to reconcile, but they can tell you what their WS's did right and what they could have handled better.

 

There also might be some WS's over in that section that could help you with making the decision to end the A and how to go about actually doing it.

[AMJ]

I don't think a spouse who is cheated on can ever actually forgive the cheater. I'm speaking from my experience with my parents. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 12. They split for two years, he came crawling back. She took him back, but she never forgave him.

 

I believe telling your spouse you've cheated would be the selfish thing to do- to clear yourself of feeling guilty. Anyone who says otherwise, I'd like to know if they've experienced this situation firsthand and actually seen how much pain it can cause someone. Living with your guilt will be awful, but it will spare your family a lot of pain. I also think you should get help in counseling for lots of reasons beyond your affair. Therapy sucks- I hate it. It's painful and ruins my entire day. And it takes a long time to heal from things in our lives, starting with childhood, but it works.

 

I got too angry at all the criticism and judgement from posters on here, by about page 5 I stopped reading. It's like people are so angry about their own dysfunctional relationships, they want to take it out on you. You've been through a lot in your life, and you need to forgive yourself right now. You're human, none of us are perfect. No marriage is perfect.

 

I understand why divorce is scary for you. My mom has always been financially dependent upon my dad, and despite being emotionally abused by him for 40 years, she still won't leave. But for your children's sake, consider that there is something much worse than growing up in a "broken home". Growing up with parents who don't love each other, who mostly hate each other, and have a terribly dysfunctional marriage, is much much worse than spending weekends at dad's house and weekdays with mom.

 

When my mom and dad split for two years, it was really hard at first. My whole life shattered, everything that I believed, that my parents were these perfect people. I was only 12, watching them have screaming matches, throwing chairs at each other. I refused to talk to my dad for months because of his affair. And when I did go to his apartment, and find relics of his new girlfriend, I'd be completely disgusted. But after awhile, I got used to it. They didn't fight anymore, and that was really nice. I learned that I could be okay with my parents not being married. But then they got back together, and then our home was filled with anger again.

 

Now my parents are in their 60s, and they still have a terrible relationship. I really, really wish my mom would have been stronger and not taken him back. He's an alcoholic and honestly extremely hard to live with. IT's not enough that she's had to forgive him for cheating, endure years of emotional abuse, now she has to be the loyal wife and support him through his journey to sobriety? What kind of bull**** is that? They weren't happy 25 years ago, and they aren't happy now. They're together because they don't know anything different.

 

And as their child, I've grown up with a really bad view of marriage and will probably never have a functional relationship of my own. I have learned a lot from reading all the stuff about adult children of alcoholics, al-anon meetings, and all that. Believe me, I was irritated when that route was suggested to me, resentful mostly. Why are my dad's issues always becoming MY issues? I'm tired of it. But it helps. Specifically a book called Women Who Love Too Much. From just knowing a small part of your story, I think that book can help you a lot. It helped me.

 

Please disregard a lot of the anger and judgement from people on here. It's just unfortunate that they take out their own unhappiness on others.

Edited January 8, 2016 by AMJ

[ladydesigner]

I don't understand when people say WS is rewriting history.

 

I believe when we have affairs or find ourselves in love with someone else we begin to realize what's been absent in our current relationships/marriages.

 

We realize we felt neglected. Or there's been abuse issues. Or there's no real joy. Or intimacy. Or communication.....

 

There's a million and one reasons why marriages end up in affairs.

 

Part of the process of getting out of the affair is understanding what led us there in the first place.

 

It's not just a matter of bad choices - although, yes, that's part of it.

 

Something was absent in her marriage that led her to look for what was missing somewhere else.

 

I don't buy the WS is rewriting history. That's just not always the case.

 

Question is: Can your marriage be fixed?

 

I think the term "rewriting history" occurs when the issues in the M are not abusive and the WS meets someone they connect with and slowly disconnect with their spouse. Some have to "rewrite history" so as to justify why they are having the A. If you have read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass it goes into detail on this.

 

The whole my M must be bad if I am having an A I feel is a copout. How did the marriage become "bad"? It's usually 50/50 and only one stepped out.

[MJJean]

I believe telling your spouse you've cheated would be the selfish thing to do- to clear yourself of feeling guilty. Anyone who says otherwise, I'd like to know if they've experienced this situation firsthand and actually seen how much pain it can cause someone.

 

I disagree. And, yes, I have been the BW and the WW, so I do know from first hand experience.

 

The selfish thing was the affair. Being truthful with the betrayed isn't about feeling less guilty. It's about respecting the BS as a human being. Until they know the truth, the BS is living a lie and making choices based on false information. Telling the truth gives the BS the ability to make a fully informed decision about their marriage and how they will go forward with their lives.

[MJJean]

I think the term "rewriting history" occurs when the issues in the M are not abusive and the WS meets someone they connect with and slowly disconnect with their spouse. Some have to "rewrite history" so as to justify why they are having the A. If you have read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass it goes into detail on this.

 

The whole my M must be bad if I am having an A I feel is a copout. How did the marriage become "bad"? It's usually 50/50 and only one stepped out.

 

I've known some folks who had affairs and I had my own, I have to say I didn't see a lot of rewriting of marital history among them.

 

Most were marriages that shouldn't have happened in the first place and were bad from the start. The usual mixed bag of people who got married because of pregnancy/recent birth of a child and the people who got married hoping it would fix their already rocky relationship. It's amazing how people will ignore glaring red flags waving in their faces on the off chance it'll work out.... somehow....magically.

 

I'm sure there are people out there who do rewrite their marital history, but i don't think it's the majority. There's a lot of crappy marriages out there.

[AMJ]

The other reason I have for saying it's better not to tell your spouse about the affair is this: I think about all the "happy" married people I know, and I wonder how much cheating has happened in those relationships. Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I think more often than not, it happens in the majority of marriages. The only difference is whether or not the cheating is discovered.

 

If it's kept a secret, at least only one person in the marriage has to live with the hurt. And the person who cheated deserves to live with hurt. Not the person who was cheated on.

[ladydesigner]

I've known some folks who had affairs and I had my own, I have to say I didn't see a lot of rewriting of marital history among them.

 

Most were marriages that shouldn't have happened in the first place and were bad from the start. The usual mixed bag of people who got married because of pregnancy/recent birth of a child and the people who got married hoping it would fix their already rocky relationship. It's amazing how people will ignore glaring red flags waving in their faces on the off chance it'll work out.... somehow....magically.

 

I'm sure there are people out there who do rewrite their marital history, but i don't think it's the majority. There's a lot of crappy marriages out there.

 

 

I can see this. I always go off the premise that these M's start good and end up bad like mine

[MJJean]

I can see this. I always go off the premise that these M's start good and end up bad like mine

 

I'm sure that happens, too. Life responsibilities leaving little couple time, resentments left to fester, changes in priorities, sexual incompatibility, just getting too comfortable and taking each other for granted, etc. Normal marriages between people who theoretically should have worked out have their own set of Boogeymen.

[malvern99]

I don't understand when people say WS is rewriting history.

 

I believe when we have affairs or find ourselves in love with someone else we begin to realize what's been absent in our current relationships/marriages.

 

We realize we felt neglected. Or there's been abuse issues. Or there's no real joy. Or intimacy. Or communication.....

 

There's a million and one reasons why marriages end up in affairs.

 

Part of the process of getting out of the affair is understanding what led us there in the first place.

 

It's not just a matter of bad choices - although, yes, that's part of it.

 

Something was absent in her marriage that led her to look for what was missing somewhere else.

 

I don't buy the WS is rewriting history. That's just not always the case.

 

Question is: Can your marriage be fixed?

 

 

RL, I guess I look at affairs from a different perspective. In my opinion, married people have affairs for only one reason. It's because they made an active choice to cross the line torpedoes be damned. Blaming affairs on the state of a marriage is something I can't wrap my head around. There is no such thing as a marriage that is nothing but unicorns and rainbows 100% of the time. Every marriage has its ups and downs, and if people decided to look outside of their marriage to fill perceived holes in their lives, then everybody would be having affairs all the time, and marriage would be obsolete. I guess the question to ask someone in an affair is do they think their betrayed spouse has been 100% happy with the marriage 100% of the time? The answer to that is clearly no. That being the case, why did one partner choose to have an affair, and one partner did not?

 

I also have a different take on rewriting history, and I think the way you worded it helps me spell my case out. If you realize the problems you had in your marriage (neglect, abuse issues etc) only after you have started a new relationship with someone else, then is it not fair to ask why these issues were not recognized to be so unbearable before the affair started? What precipitated the realization? Was it the need to justify current behavior? I think that is where "rewriting marital history" comes from, because in order for a person to justify their betrayal, they need what they feel are compelling reasons.

 

AMJ, in regards to confessing, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard the reasoning that confessing is selfish because of the hurt it will cause. That just thoroughly confuses me. It is not the confession that hurts. It is the actual betrayal that does the damage. Hiding the fact that you betrayed your spouse does not spare them the hurt. It just spares the cheater the consequences of their actions for a time. Why is the cheater suddenly so concerned about hurting their spouse when it is time to confess, but have no such qualms when they are neck deep in the affair? Why does the BS not have the basic human right to make a decision on his or her future based on the facts as they are? Is it fair to allow a human being to live a lie for an undetermined amount of time?

 

Amillionpieces, I hope you do not think I was judging you. That was never my intent. I just want to help you see what your situation looks like from the outside. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, sometimes terrible seemingly unforgivable mistakes with far reaching consequences not only for ourselves, but for those we hold dearest as well. Those mistakes do not speak to our character. How we deal with the aftermath of those mistakes does. Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

RL, I guess I look at affairs from a different perspective. In my opinion, married people have affairs for only one reason. It's because they made an active choice to cross the line torpedoes be damned. Blaming affairs on the state of a marriage is something I can't wrap my head around. There is no such thing as a marriage that is nothing but unicorns and rainbows 100% of the time. Every marriage has its ups and downs, and if people decided to look outside of their marriage to fill perceived holes in their lives, then everybody would be having affairs all the time, and marriage would be obsolete. I guess the question to ask someone in an affair is do they think their betrayed spouse has been 100% happy with the marriage 100% of the time? The answer to that is clearly no. That being the case, why did one partner choose to have an affair, and one partner did not?

 

I also have a different take on rewriting history, and I think the way you worded it helps me spell my case out. If you realize the problems you had in your marriage (neglect, abuse issues etc) only after you have started a new relationship with someone else, then is it not fair to ask why these issues were not recognized to be so unbearable before the affair started? What precipitated the realization? Was it the need to justify current behavior? I think that is where "rewriting marital history" comes from, because in order for a person to justify their betrayal, they need what they feel are compelling reasons.

 

AMJ, in regards to confessing, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard the reasoning that confessing is selfish because of the hurt it will cause. That just thoroughly confuses me. It is not the confession that hurts. It is the actual betrayal that does the damage. Hiding the fact that you betrayed your spouse does not spare them the hurt. It just spares the cheater the consequences of their actions for a time. Why is the cheater suddenly so concerned about hurting their spouse when it is time to confess, but have no such qualms when they are neck deep in the affair? Why does the BS not have the basic human right to make a decision on his or her future based on the facts as they are? Is it fair to allow a human being to live a lie for an undetermined amount of time?

 

Amillionpieces, I hope you do not think I was judging you. That was never my intent. I just want to help you see what your situation looks like from the outside. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, sometimes terrible seemingly unforgivable mistakes with far reaching consequences not only for ourselves, but for those we hold dearest as well. Those mistakes do not speak to our character. How we deal with the aftermath of those mistakes does. Good luck.

 

Thank you! Methinks it comes down to bad coping skills.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

you say resolution would be wining the lottery and getting divorced. Living close to your H.

IF that happened where does the OM come in all aspects of this?

[Amillionpieces]

OP

 

you say resolution would be wining the lottery and getting divorced. Living close to your H.

IF that happened where does the OM come in all aspects of this?

 

He doesn't. There is obviously a part of me that wants us to be together but I would never ask him to leave his family. That would have to be his decision based on reasons other than me.

[Amillionpieces]

Also I don't ever try and justify my A. I can give reasons but it's not justification as much as analyzation. Yes there are problems in the marriage and no he doesn't deserve this.

[sandylee1]

I don't understand when people say WS is rewriting history.

 

I don't buy the WS is rewriting history.

 

I think what people mean about rewriting marital history........ is usually once they have a dday.......... they say how unhappy they've been in the marriage and come up with all the reasons they just had to have an affair. When they had never raised any of these issues in the past and the couple were making plans for the future..like having more kids, moving to another area, deciding what they'd do when they retire and in some cases celebrating wedding anniversaries via renewal of vows.

 

How would you think your spouse was unhappy if they did these kind of things?

 

Every marriage goes through difficulties....but once there's a dday many WS only remember the bad times and act like the good ones never existed... that's rewriting marital history or having a very selective memory to justify their behaviour.

 

In many cases here...especially with BHs... The WW was treated great, lavished with luxurious things, had a great lifestyle ..a fit and good looking man and when asked "why"..... it's come down to "I don't know " .. "I was bored"..."wanted excitement"......

 

I know this is not the case with the OP... I'm just trying to expand on the marital history issue.

 

Having said that..many marriages are not good and many spouses have raised their complaints.... yet the other spouse does nothing to change.

 

If one spouse is not happy.. but acts as though they are..how is the other supposed to know? They don't get a chance to work on things....before their other half decides an affair will make things better for them.

[Rainbowlove]

I think what people mean about rewriting marital history........ is usually once they have a dday.......... they say how unhappy they've been in the marriage and come up with all the reasons they just had to have an affair. When they had never raised any of these issues in the past and the couple were making plans for the future..like having more kids, moving to another area, deciding what they'd do when they retire and in some cases celebrating wedding anniversaries via renewal of vows.

 

How would you think your spouse was unhappy if they did these kind of things?

 

Every marriage goes through difficulties....but once there's a dday many WS only remember the bad times and act like the good ones never existed... that's rewriting marital history or having a very selective memory to justify their behaviour.

 

In many cases here...especially with BHs... The WW was treated great, lavished with luxurious things, had a great lifestyle ..a fit and good looking man and when asked "why"..... it's come down to "I don't know " .. "I was bored"..."wanted excitement"......

 

I know this is not the case with the OP... I'm just trying to expand on the marital history issue.

 

Having said that..many marriages are not good and many spouses have raised their complaints.... yet the other spouse does nothing to change.

 

If one spouse is not happy.. but acts as though they are..how is the other supposed to know? They don't get a chance to work on things....before their other half decides an affair will make things better for them.

 

Thanks for clarifying.

 

Just as every marriage is different, every affair is different.

 

Perhaps some WS rewrite history. Certainly not all.

 

I still think it's a term tossed around too freely at every WS - even if it's not accurate or applicable to their situation.

 

But I can see where you're coming from if you've been blind sided by an affair.

 

I think there are many BS who are aware their marriage had problems and ppl were unhappy, but just never thought their spouse would betray them.

 

My point is when humans become unhappy and numb from the unhappiness, sometimes an outsider opens their eyes to something they thought had been dead for decades.

 

I'm not justifying affairs or the OP's behavior.

 

I do not believe she's "rewriting history" either. I believe her marriage is broken.

 

Now she needs to find a way out of the affair and figure out if her marriage and family can be saved.

 

Everyone deserves happiness. Either together or separated.

 

She needs to get real and honest in her life.

[Popsicle]

I've known some folks who had affairs and I had my own, I have to say I didn't see a lot of rewriting of marital history among them.

 

Most were marriages that shouldn't have happened in the first place and were bad from the start. The usual mixed bag of people who got married because of pregnancy/recent birth of a child and the people who got married hoping it would fix their already rocky relationship. It's amazing how people will ignore glaring red flags waving in their faces on the off chance it'll work out.... somehow....magically.

 

I'm sure there are people out there who do rewrite their marital history, but i don't think it's the majority. There's a lot of crappy marriages out there.

 

Yep you're totally right.

[kieraglass]

A million pieces, I used to post here, and it was my only solace. I had left my marriage due to my affair. Pregnant by MM. Awful stuff. Terrible. Lost my health insurance through my violent separation and was waiting to be approved for state insurance so I could get therapy. Had no access to therapy for months through pregnancy. I was in a world of shame and horror and couldn't even speak of it to people i knew, it was so shameful. I used this forum for eight months through all the tragedy and finally stopped one night, feeling entirely ripped to shreds.

 

I had left my marriage to an abuser pregnant by another man, trying to do the right thing, and at twenty odd weeks I gave birth and my son died in my hands . I had been through ENOUGH. Yet, the responses that night i posted about MM and my confusion and unwillingness to end it, even after everything that had happened, they did indeed feel violating and they hurt me, to my core. I would never post personally here again. It can be a very counterproductive thing, posting here, looking for support, due to the presence of bitter spouses. I believe I may have experienced that. I don't know. But I do know that the only place this Nathaniel Hawthorne nightmare living woman had to be real and free and honest, was here, and that night changed it all.

 

Don't take it personally. I have followed your story and I could have written it almost exactly in many ways, before I got pregnant. I also only felt truly happy with a baby on my hip, my son, who is now eight. It kept me busy and focused and filled with love, the love I wasn't getting from my abusive husband. When he entered school, my affair began - big surprise- and when I became pregnant, I didn't even consider aborting because i remembered just how very happy I had been, even in the midst of that abusive storm, with my husband, when i was a new mom. I figured if I could be THAT happy being mom to a baby in that awful cruel world, then, my happiness, out of it, with a baby, would be immense. Especially with MM.

 

It ended tragically. I have no regrets. My only regret is putting myself out there, here, because it meant the world to me to have a place to openly speak, and vent, and it became humiliating.

 

I see it for what it is now and laugh that i even tried. But back when I felt ripped to shreds it laid waste to me. Not anymore.

 

I hope you find peace. You seem like a wonderful, emotionally aware woman. I remember being in your spot, before I screwed up royally, and i hope you are alright. Take responses with a grain of salt. Only you know your reality. Like George r.r. Martin says, "Words are wind."

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry! There aren't words. To loose your baby like that. OMG! They say the whole "Sticks & stones...." thing. The first time a forum reduced me to a blubbering wreck I realized just how wrong that saying is! Some don't realize the absolute desperation & isolation that brings others to post sometimes..

 

I'm sorry!

[LilMama1097]

What is your end game OP? What in your eyes qualifies as a satisfactory resolution for all parties involved? Maybe people can help you better if they have a clearer picture of what you want.[/QUOT

 

I want to not get caught from this A. I want to win the lottery so I can get a divorce and buy a house down the street so the kids are happy. I want the tension in my house to go away.

 

I looked at old photo albums today trying to inspire me to do the right thing. I have millions of photos of me and the kids and I was happy. I was always happiest with a baby on hip. It was always me and the babies and I was happy even though some of those photos are during my separation. I won an important award for some of my work in my business and I bought a new skirt. Pictures of me and my mother dressed up because husband didn't want to go. Honest to god there are no pictures of me Nd husband except one concert of my favourite band - that was 10 years ago. Looking at the albums only made me realize how depressed I am today. I don't have the joy that exists in those photos. Something has died in me and it died before the A.

 

I want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy.

 

I just had a light bulb come on! After reading this entire thread, this quoted portion just brought everything to light where I feel I truly understand the issue!

You and your husband Were young when you met, had that juvenile "love" and you became pregnant young so you never truly had the opportunity to experience love outside one man. When you found yourself unhappy with your H, you were okay because you had babies distracting you and all the love you needed with those little humans around all the time.

You've never experienced life as JUST YOU! You've always been Mommy or wife. So once your youngest started school, you didn't have that blissful distraction anymore. You're missing all those cuddles and little arms wrapped around your neck to distract you from the man you married and managed to deal with throughout the years.

With am this extra time, you're having to focus on yourself now and realizing your h just isn't cutting it to fill that void you're missing now that your kids are getting older. Almost like an "empty nester" thing you're going through.

MM is your distraction and the one you can be yourself around since you don't have the little one at home to be yourself around anymore. This isn't about MM or H, this is about you and finding yourself, loving yourself and finally taking care of YOURSELF!!

I could be totally off and none of this could make sense but I went through the exact same thing (minus the A) and I still have moments of serious lonliness and heartache missing my babies being with me all the time and figuring out what to do with myself when I don't have them distracting me.