Does the MM hurt?

[Conqueror]

I am almost 1 year out of an affair that lasted for 5 months. It was an EA that turned into a PA. He and I were both married with children. We were actually making plans to leave our spouses to be together. He and I were planning a future, we discussed bills, what we would name our children, how our wedding would be...We even discussed how we would raise our children. He and I would have Bible study together and he wined and dined me throughout the entire course of our relationship.

 

He said he wasn't happy with his wife, and never loved her. He said he only married her because they seemed to have a lot in common at the time. He felt that over time, he could learn to love her, but it never happened. He wanted out and almost left her several times before. He said that we were soulmates. He told his wife he loved me. I know this because she called and told me, but asked me to take a step back so that they could work on things. He called me back and told me that his mind was made up and that he was leaving. However, once Both of spouses found out just how serious our relationship was, they forbade us to see once another. My husband called him and told him to never contact me again and his wife did the same. We went completely NC. I was in sooo much pain.

 

It was absolutely unbearable at times. I tried to move on, and focus on my husband and children, but when I would look at his or his wife's social media acct, they seemed so happy while I was in pain. I thought, "how could he proclaim his love to me, and now, he and his wife are in these pictures smiling and looking like they are having the time of their lives? How is it that MM can get over affairs much more quickly than women? Did he ever hurt? Did he really love me? I did love him. Sometimes people tell me that he was just using me, and playing mind games with both me and his wife. However, I never felt used. I wish that I could stop hurting and be as happy as he seemed to be.

Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and topical material

[OneLov]

I think everyone hurts. To what extent? Too many variables. But I would bet he is hurting too. He betrayed you, his wife, and himself.

[Popsicle]

Yes, he is hurting.

 

But the A is still over and should stay over.

 

In time you will both hurt less but you can speed it up more if you focus on improving your marriage and growing your love for your spouse, if you think that's possible. If not, then work on getting a divorce.

[imsosad]

Good question.

My ex AP claimed to be devestated. Today,after 7 months of NC,he texted me that he cant move on. I dont know if i believe him. Maybe hes just playing. I read too many stories here tgat suggest that women,MW or single OW are 100% emotionally invested whike the men seem to be cake eating, many of them repeat offenders. I do think it is not the same thing to make a bad choice and clean up and being unfaithful as a way of life.

I would not rely on social media to determine anything about anyones life. Social media represents what you want others to think your life is like.

Does it matter if your MM hurts?

Maybe he does,maybe he doesnt.

First step towards your healing is to get out of his mind and back in to your own head.

I remember reading an article about women in affairs. It said that women post affairs are usually in shambles. Hurt,devestated,drained,their core threatened. Men (i remember this word for word) are often unscathed.

I think men are better at compartmentalising,which is why they feel better during affairs as well.

The man i know best is my H,and i think if he is the sort that would be heartbroken at an A,but would be able to move on pretty quickly. He just does not dwell om what he cant change.

I know the 'left behind' feeling. Its just a mind trick. We want to know we werent some passing thing for the AP.

We neex to focus on our own path. We dont have control over their feelings anyway.

[carhill]

Here's my perspective as a fMM.

 

Men are human. We hurt. We are socialized and sometimes physically brutalized into the mindset of ignoring physical and emotional pain so it may not be obvious when we are in pain but we feel pain just like any human feels pain.

 

IMO, if your MM truly did not love his wife, he'd be divorced. Nothing on earth would stop him. Not money, not children, not societal pressure and oppression. Why? Men ignore pain and focus on goals.

 

Are you divorced? There's your answer.

 

Myself, I got divorced and have been divorced for quite some time now. MC was instrumental in refocusing on the important things in life. People aren't that important, especially those who treat me like crap.

[OneLov]

Good question.

My ex AP claimed to be devestated. Today,after 7 months of NC,he texted me that he cant move on. I dont know if i believe him. Maybe hes just playing. I read too many stories here tgat suggest that women,MW or single OW are 100% emotionally invested whike the men seem to be cake eating, many of them repeat offenders. I do think it is not the same thing to make a bad choice and clean up and being unfaithful as a way of life.

I would not rely on social media to determine anything about anyones life. Social media represents what you want others to think your life is like.

Does it matter if your MM hurts?

Maybe he does,maybe he doesnt.

First step towards your healing is to get out of his mind and back in to your own head.

I remember reading an article about women in affairs. It said that women post affairs are usually in shambles. Hurt,devestated,drained,their core threatened. Men (i remember this word for word) are often unscathed.

I think men are better at compartmentalising,which is why they feel better during affairs as well.

The man i know best is my H,and i think if he is the sort that would be heartbroken at an A,but would be able to move on pretty quickly. He just does not dwell om what he cant change.

I know the 'left behind' feeling. Its just a mind trick. We want to know we werent some passing thing for the AP.

We neex to focus on our own path. We dont have control over their feelings anyway.

 

Imsosad,

 

Pasted below is a counterpoint to your assertion that men go unscathed after a break-up. This article contains the results of a very in-depth and comprehensive study done in the UK using 5,705 participants from 96 countries. The results of this study were published in many credible international publications.

 

IMO, the results qualify your assertions that women generally develop a greater emotional attachment. It also offers an explanation for the reason your AP cast a line after 7 months of NC.

 

OP,

 

As a man, I can tell you that break-ups suck.

 

Men may never truly get over a relationship break-up, says study | Love & Sex | Lifestyle | The Independent

Edited February 1, 2016 by OneLov

[Liam1]

I think everyone hurts. To what extent? Too many variables. But I would bet he is hurting too. He betrayed you, his wife, and himself.

 

Conqueror:

 

As a former cheating spouse, I agree with Onelove. The OM is likely hurting but mainly because he betrayed himself and his wife and perhaps you.

 

In my case, I don't feel that I betrayed the OW because unlike SOME men, I never misled her about the type of relationship I was looking for.

 

She presented herself as someone who ONLY wanted to SUPPLEMENT, (and yes she used that exact word) supplement her marriage with extra-curricular sex. (and yes she used those exact words)

 

She claimed she had no interest in divorcing her spouse. Ever!

 

That all changed drastically when I ended the affair.

 

As others here have mentioned, if your OM was telling you the truth, he would leave his wife for you.

 

I have talked to numerous men who have cheated and I have never yet met one who wanted to leave his wife. There may be some out there who do want to leave their wives, but I have not talked to any, so far.

 

Some OM have told me they will tell the OW they love them as a way to keep the affair going.

 

Some have told me they tell the OW the wife is a bitch or off sex or what ever as a way to make themselves look less nasty in the eyes of the OW. And in their own eyes, too.

 

In my own personal experience, I do not miss the affair. I often these days wonder what the heck I was thinking.

 

My wife is beautiful, intelligent, kind, Loyal, and yes after a long term marriage, the sex did get routine. However, in reality, once the newness of the affair sex wore off, the sex, too, started to feel routine. That is just the reality of anything that is engaged in on a regular basis.

 

Some have told me that during the affair they got caught up in the fantasy of it and may have thought of leaving their wives, but most said they woke up and realized that a relationship with the OW in the long haul would be no better than their present marriage.

 

Some have said they realized that they really knew very little about the OW other than what they saw in the misleading "affair bubble".

 

I think, it would be healthier to accept these things and move on.

 

I really do agree that if he wanted to contact you, he would. If he hated his wife, he would leave her.

[goodyblue]

I have three brothers and five sons. I know their feelings where love is concerned are the same as women, it just manifests differently.

[imsosad]

Thanks,onelov.

Very interesting.

I do think that affairs are sort of an ex territory. The rules dont apply. Breaking up with an ex AP while you are married has been very different for me than 'normal' break ups i experienced before my marriage. I couldnt behave in a way that matched hiw i felt. I could not reach out to my full net if support. Only my best friend knows. I think this secrecy messe with the normal process. If a person responds to pain with denial, an A break up offers plenty of opportunity to carry on as normal on the outside.

Side note i sometimes add-english is not my first language,so my apologies for spelling mistakes or weird wording.

[Liam1]

Good question.

My ex AP claimed to be devestated. Today,after 7 months of NC,he texted me that he cant move on. I dont know if i believe him. Maybe hes just playing.

 

I can't speak for everyone, but he may miss the affair sex.

 

Is he hurting?

 

From that perspective, perhaps. Also, he may miss the ego strokes he was getting during the affair.

 

When a man meets an affair partner, the two are usually both on good behavior. They typically treat each other far more respectfully than they treat a spouse.

 

It's easy because the affair does not present the same pressures that a real relationship does. An affair is about sex and fun.

[goodyblue]

I can't speak for everyone, but he may miss the affair sex.

 

Is he hurting?

 

From that perspective, perhaps. Also, he may miss the ego strokes he was getting during the affair.

 

When a man meets an affair partner, the two are usually both on good behavior. They typically treat each other far more respectfully than they treat a spouse.

 

It's easy because the affair does not present the same pressures that a real relationship does. An affair is about sex and fun.

 

Wow.

 

Just no.

[Doublegold]

'It's easy because the affair does not present the same pressures that a real relationship does. An affair is about sex and fun

 

Obviously that describes your experience. I too can only speak for myself. Yes--many wonderful fun times and fabulous sex. We also supported one another through deaths and heartache. He has been a tremendous source of love and support and I for him.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Doublegold

[minimariah]

I tried to move on, and focus on my husband and children, but when I would look at his or his wife's social media acct, they seemed so happy while I was in pain.

 

social media is tricky & almost never paints the real picture. we post ONLY our happy moments on social media... you won't post a picture of yourself beinf angry & crying, am i right? so when you look at that social media - you will see nothing but happiness. that's only one small part of someone's life... so just because they look happy in pictures, it doesn't mean that they actually ARE happy and that he forgot all about you.

 

maybe he's in a lot of pain, too & is just trying to move on. maybe he didn't give you a second thought. you won't ever really know that BUT you don't need to... because his feelings shouldn't be relevant to your survival and healing. you don't need his validation. the affair was real for you, you loved and had strong emotions - focus on that and deal with that.

 

no one ever forgets about the affair, trust me.

Edited February 1, 2016 by minimariah

[imsosad]

Liam,there was no sex.

I dont disagree with the rest,though.

[OneLov]

Thanks,onelov.

Very interesting.

I do think that affairs are sort of an ex territory. The rules dont apply. Breaking up with an ex AP while you are married has been very different for me than 'normal' break ups i experienced before my marriage.

 

Your English is fine.

 

I have to agree with you there; however, even if the rules do not apply the feelings sure do. I cannot say from personal experience, but your reasoning makes sense and from what I have read about married other persons that seems to be the consensus. I am sorry for your pain.

 

But you do not have to stay stuck. The reason why your pain may last longer is because the single other people may seem like they can "start over." But in a way you can too.

 

People who enter affairs tend to have conflict avoidant personalities (not everyone, but a lot do). So instead of settling for discontent in your marriage, refocus your pain and look to improve your primary relationship.

 

If you embrace conflict resolution you may very well be able to change the behavior or dynamics you were not happy with in your primary relationship. If the behavior(s) or dynamics are changed, you will no longer feel the need to escape or run from it. If you no longer feel the need to run, you will no longer need to think about where or who you are running to.

 

If you did these things, you may find yourself healing faster and in a lot better position than many single other persons.

 

Best of Luck

OL

[burnt]

Pasted below is a counterpoint to your assertion that men go unscathed after a break-up. This article contains the results of a very in-depth and comprehensive study done in the UK using 5,705 participants from 96 countries.

Men may never truly get over a relationship break-up, says study | Love & Sex | Lifestyle | The Independent

 

I'm sorry to have to disagree with you OneLov.

The research you are talking about is about break-up of a relationship where I quote the article "That’s according to researchers who found that men suffer as the impact of the loss “sinks in” and they have to start "competing" all over again for a significant other."

We are talking about MM, where there is no 'search' for another partner after the break-up.

In fact, it's the opposite--it's reawakened and rekindled connection with the already existing partner.

 

Speaking from what I gathered from my xMM. He suffered. But not because of me--because of what he was doing to his wife and his self-respect. He at no point truly felt guilty for how he was hurting me.

 

I read a few accounts of xMM on the web; in all, I saw the theme consistent: "I love my wife; I hate myself for what I was doing to my wife; I wish I could forget that part of my life". There is no guilt associated with what they did to the OW.

 

Reading the post of Liam1 made feel sick to my stomach, but he is absolutely right. What he is describing is right on point.

 

If xMM is missing the OW, he's only missing the fun distraction and ego stroke--of course there are exceptions, but I'm only talking about what seems to be the truth in most cases.

[sandylee1]

I don't understand.........you both wanted to be together.

 

Your spouse's can't stop you seeing each other if you've decided to leave. Marriage is not a prison.

 

You can't forbid a grown independent adult from doing what they really want to.

 

So either :

 

He was future faking you

He realised the ramifications of divorce in the cold light of day

He loves his wife more than he says

 

I think it's so very wrong to marry someone you don't love...assuming he was telling you the truth.

 

Put it this way.

You could carry on seeing him and what's the worse that happens? Your respective spouses file for D and you two can be together.

[OneLov]

I'm sorry to have to disagree with you OneLov.

The research you are talking about is about break-up of a relationship where I quote the article "That’s according to researchers who found that men suffer as the impact of the loss “sinks in” and they have to start "competing" all over again for a significant other."

We are talking about MM, where there is no 'search' for another partner after the break-up.

In fact, it's the opposite--it's reawakened and rekindled connection with the already existing partner.

 

Speaking from what I gathered from my xMM. He suffered. But not because of me--because of what he was doing to his wife and his self-respect. He at no point truly felt guilty for how he was hurting me.

 

I read a few accounts of xMM on the web; in all, I saw the theme consistent: "I love my wife; I hate myself for what I was doing to my wife; I wish I could forget that part of my life". There is no guilt associated with what they did to the OW.

 

Reading the post of Liam1 made feel sick to my stomach, but he is absolutely right. What he is describing is right on point.

 

If xMM is missing the OW, he's only missing the fun distraction and ego stroke--of course there are exceptions, but I'm only talking about what seems to be the truth in most cases.

 

I see your point but here is where I disagree.

 

Significant Other - a person with whom someone has an established romantic or sexual relationship. These include wives, husbands, partners, other women, other men, basically anyone you are having an ongoing romantic or sexual relationship with.

 

Also, denial is not just a river in Egypt. It is a very strong defense mechanism.

 

And how do you know how he feels? You don't. You're saying because he has not expressed his feelings of guilt that is conclusive proof he has no feelings of guilt or hurt whatsoever.

 

The guy's probably a coward. It takes balls to admit you willfully betrayed someone to his/her face and so remorse. That is scary sh*t whether it is infidelity or not. He probably still cannot even be honest with his wife, so he is not going to be honest with you.

 

There are a lot of people who sincerely and utterly regret hurting their partner. And there are those who are just to afraid and avoid conflict at all costs.

 

But think about it, you are not going to see many honest and objective posts from the latter.

 

He hurts. Men express pain differently than women do. We withdrawal whereas women tend to want to express and find a support system. Christ it took me 6 months to even post in this forum. I see others post almost immediately after dday or the break-up. I give them credit because there is no way I could have done that.

 

But these are all generalizations and everyone and every relationship is different; however, the findings really spoke to me. But I can see how that is not the same for everyone. Just thought it was interesting.

[Liam1]

But these are all generalizations and everyone and every relationship is different; however, the findings really spoke to me. But I can see how that is not the same for everyone. Just thought it was interesting.

 

I agree, everyone is different, and that is why this OP will likely never have the true answer to the question.

 

Personally, I became disillusioned with the MOW fairly quickly. Once the rush of having sex with someone different wore off. The sneaking around and hiding became a chore for me.

 

Some however might find the intrigue of it all adds all the more spice to an affair. Yes, everyone is different.

[Popsicle]

I don't understand.........you both wanted to be together.

 

Your spouse's can't stop you seeing each other if you've decided to leave. Marriage is not a prison.

 

You can't forbid a grown independent adult from doing what they really want to.

 

So either :

 

He was future faking you

He realised the ramifications of divorce in the cold light of day

He loves his wife more than he says

 

I think it's so very wrong to marry someone you don't love...assuming he was telling you the truth.

 

Put it this way.

You could carry on seeing him and what's the worse that happens? Your respective spouses file for D and you two can be together.

 

Yes this is true but don't forget, she is in the exact same position as her MM. As if it were totally the MM's burden to decide and not hers too. It always dumbfounds me when people who are still married cry "My MM/MW won't leave their spouse and be with me! I can't believe he/she stayed married to their spouse". Meanwhile, the complainer is still married too.

 

I know if I were married, I wouldn't leave MY spouse for some person who was still married themselves, no matter how much I loved them.

[Popsicle]

One could say that she was future faking too. Maybe he thinks she was....

[sandylee1]

Yes this is true but don't forget, she is in the exact same position as her MM. As if it were totally the MM's burden to decide and not hers too. It always dumbfounds me when people who are still married cry "My MM/MW won't leave their spouse and be with me! I can't believe he/she stayed married to their spouse". Meanwhile, the complainer is still married too.

 

I know if I were married, I wouldn't leave MY spouse for some person who was still married themselves, no matter how much I loved them.

 

It all depends on the state of each marriage prior to the A.

 

This MM 'says' he never loved his wife..but OP do you love your husband?

 

It all sounds like there was a lot of fantasy going on. Getting married..having kids..names etc. Did you ever discuss a timeline for any of this..or was it just talk?

 

I personally would not want to remain married to a man who didn't love me.... I don't suppose he's ever let his wife in on this important bit of information though.

[SolG]

This kind of thread always reminds me of the quote attributed to the German poet Goethe. The story goes that on being asked by someone, 'Do you love me?', he responded, 'What possible business could it be of yours?!'

 

I guess the point is... Does it matter? What does the knowledge of reciprocity, or otherwise give you? Does it actually change who you are, what you felt or your experience at all? Yes, it can change your retrospective perception. But all too often it seems to be a yearning to define sense of self from others and an unhealthy diversion from self examination and growth. People become engorged on reflected sense of self; perpetually reactive to reactivity.

 

In the purist sense, lovability isn't defined by who loves you, why and how--that is about them--it is defined by your self-acceptance and belief that you are indeed loveable.

 

I'm working on this too :-)

[Midwestmissy]

what Liam says is exactly what my wh says. He liked the ego strokes, the non judgment and validation of the mow - she just told him over and over how they were great people in spite of the affair. It started to ring hollow after a short time. Just saying you're good people doesn't make it so. I'm sure if the sex was great he would have figured out a way to keep both me and her, but he ended it before I knew about her. She continued to proposition him, which was what blew everything up. She just seemed pathetic and lacking self respect and he was pretty horrified that he was blind to her character. But frankly, she thought she was having an affair with a world beater in the business world, so they were both liars.

 

He hopes he never sees her again. His pain is caused by the pain he caused his family.

[imperfectangel]

I wouldn't trust much of what a wh says! He will probably tell a bs exactly what she wants to hear.

 

If you two shared special moments then I'm sure he misses you. But as others have said what difference does it make if you don't want to restart the affair