Does the MM hurt?

[mfimill]

I am almost 1 year out of an affair that lasted for 5 months. It was an EA that turned into a PA. He and I were both married with children. We were actually making plans to leave our spouses to be together. He and I were planning a future, we discussed bills, what we would name our children, how our wedding would be...We even discussed how we would raise our children. He and I would have Bible study together and he wined and dined me throughout the entire course of our relationship.

 

He said he wasn't happy with his wife, and never loved her. He said he only married her because they seemed to have a lot in common at the time. He felt that over time, he could learn to love her, but it never happened. He wanted out and almost left her several times before. He said that we were soulmates. He told his wife he loved me. I know this because she called and told me, but asked me to take a step back so that they could work on things. He called me back and told me that his mind was made up and that he was leaving. However, once Both of spouses found out just how serious our relationship was, they forbade us to see once another. My husband called him and told him to never contact me again and his wife did the same. We went completely NC. I was in sooo much pain.

 

It was absolutely unbearable at times. I tried to move on, and focus on my husband and children, but when I would look at his or his wife's social media acct, they seemed so happy while I was in pain. I thought, "how could he proclaim his love to me, and now, he and his wife are in these pictures smiling and looking like they are having the time of their lives? How is it that MM can get over affairs much more quickly than women? Did he ever hurt? Did he really love me? I did love him. Sometimes people tell me that he was just using me, and playing mind games with both me and his wife. However, I never felt used. I wish that I could stop hurting and be as happy as he seemed to be.

 

 

Whether or not he is hurting is not important although Im sure there are times when he does. You know in your heart what you had or didn't really have. If you truly want to get healthy stop checking his social media in fact delete your social media accounts all together and spend that time writing your husband a love letter. or a journal to look back on in 5 years when all is a faint memory that is covered by current happy times and things going on in your life. Keep the NC although easier said then done and focus on your self and family. Good Luck

[loveisanaction]

You're on the OW forum which is filled with OW and some former OW. The last thing most of them want to hear is that their relationship with their MM, which many of them have invested years of their lives into and sacrificed their time, their emotional health, their values and in some cases their family and their dignity for was just a bunch of calculated bullsh*t designed by the MM to either get into her pants or getting their ego high off of them. The one MM who came here and gave you an insider view of things that you apparently were looking for(where he admitted that it was just about sex and fun on his end) is now receiving a "talking to" by several OW. What does that tell you OP? There's a reason this site(and sites like it) are filled with countless OW/MW and very few MM..

 

 

If i could like this post a thousand times i would.

 

I've always wondered why on every ow/om forum, i see so few posts from married men who had or who are in an affair. I guess one of the reasons is because the ow does not want to hear the truth and end up bashing the married man for being blunt.

 

 

I've always said that when a married enters into an inappropriate relationship with a woman, it is almost always solely for sex. That’s not to say that there aren’t married men who fall in love with their affair partners but for every 1 story where the married man does fall in love with his affair partner there are 100 stories of them who just wanted a good time by the side. Women on the other hand find it very difficult to have intercourse with a man without becoming attached to him..there are some who are able to but very few of them can do it succefully.

 

I’ve seen so many ow protect, defend, lash out, get upset and become angry at people for even suggesting that their married man was with them for nothing more than some fun and sexual release. They’ve come up with all kinds of reasons why they feel that their affair was much more than it is/was. I’ve heard …..he’s so supportive of my goals and dreams..…he helped me fix my car, my house, etc…. he said he loved me…...text/calls me to tell me how much he loves me…..he went out of his way to see me, risking a lot because his wife is suspicious of us. I mean, I’ve read it all. The reasons the ow give for believing that her married man did/does in fact love her. I guess denial truly is a defense mechanism because if the ow was to call her affair what it truly is/was, they wouldn’t be able to sleep with their married man.

 

I believe another reason why you rarely see posts from married men who are in affairs (or were in one) is because men generally do not need to have feelings for the woman they are sleeping with. They might like her, feel very attracted to her but not be in love with her. So when the affair is over, they miss the companionship, the sex and rush of it all but they’re not heartbroken. Every once in a while, I’ll read a post about a hurting married man who had an affair but those are so few and far in between.

 

Usually, when the affair is over and the ow truly has healed and moved on, is then she admits to herself what her affair was really all about.

Edited February 20, 2016 by loveisanaction
grammitcal error

[imperfectangel]

I disagree. Maybe it's the OW in me but I don't believe so many people would risk so much purely for sex, I'm sure the odd one does but I can't believe that most men would risk their entire world for sex

[whichwayisup]

I disagree. Maybe it's the OW in me but I don't believe so many people would risk so much purely for sex, I'm sure the odd one does but I can't believe that most men would risk their entire world for sex

 

Yet it happens every day. An A is discovered and the AP is thrown under the bus by the WS.

[imperfectangel]

Yet it happens every day. An A is discovered and the AP is thrown under the bus by the WS.

 

But that doesn't mean that the mm didn't love the ow and only wanted sex it just means that he wants his family and life as he knows it more than he wants the ow

[jenkins95]

Fascinating thread which I have just discovered and scan read almost every post. There is some very interesting stuff here posted from different and varied viewpoints.

 

One thing this thread illustrates is that there are lots of differences between men and women. We have physical differences, we tend to have different roles in society and therefore it is no surprise that we have differences regarding attitudes to love......and affairs.

 

But we also have lots of similarities, and I think hurt when a relationship ends is a universal human truth, even though it may manifest itself differently between the sexes.

 

For what it's worth, I am a MM, a few months into NC after an affair and trying to repair my marriage. It has been the lowest point of my life and the hurt has been unbearable at times. I miss the AP very much even though it was definitely the right decision to leave the affair. Women tend to express themselves better than men and find it much easier to talk when they are hurting. Men may therefore appear to be hurting less, moving on and recovering better, and maybe I appeared this way. But it's not true - we hurt too, and I can almost guarantee that the OPs exMM hurt too. I am starting to feel better now, but it has taken months to feel an improvement.

 

Just adding my two cents guys, great thread. Many thanks for sharing your wisdom. Have a nice weekend.

 

Oh, and I totally agree with minimariah - don't take what you see on FaceBook as good reflection of the truth. People only post the happy, smiley photos on there. If FaceBook represented reality, we would all be living one perpetual, happy party.

[goodyblue]

Yet it happens every day. An A is discovered and the AP is thrown under the bus by the WS.

 

Everyone always rolls their eyes at me and I know it happens far less, but my h was certainly not in it for just the sex (although that is pretty dampened great too). I think a lot of men feel neglected in their marriages (whether real or perceived) and when they find it outside, can't seem to let go of it but can't bring themselves to tear apart everyone's lives.

[Conqueror]

Thank you so much for your input, Jenkins. I really appreciate it!

[Josmatjes]

I think sometimes it starts as sex but then changes. I don't think my mm or myself ever intended on things becoming deeper. We met up a lot more just to sit and talk and hold hands. If you hold on to the relationship I find that than it does turn into a booty call.

[tillwemeetagain]

everbody hurts.. it just that not everybody is good at hiding things out or good at showing it to everybody.. just don't mind if hes hurting because that might give you impression of going back to him or lets say do anything be back with him again and it might lead to bad things... just focus on yourself how bad it hurts you and what can you do about it.so you can be better. cry if you still feel the hurt if you like. mourn as if someone died. but make sure that each and every after cries and mourning the hurt will be lessen as you have mention that you feel that he is not hurting at all..