My brother's mid-life crisis [and affair]

[Whoknew30]

My siblings are both autistic.

 

So no, I somewhat lack the reference.

 

Nor am I telling her she "has to" ( Jesus).

 

However, AT THIS POINT IN TIME, not "forever" he is abusing his wife.

 

And that being the case, I would cut him out.

 

That's not being "judgmental" that's being rational.

I don't associate with abusers.

 

If they stop and take stock, that becomes a different story.

 

I don't associate with my father (unless it involves my mother, I.E. her birthday party) and since he's actually an abuser that lost control of me years ago, he doesn't associate with me. My life isn't this vast gulf of loneliness. It's peaceful. I have people that know about love and respect around me.

 

I don't knock "forgiveness" and if my father ever STOPPED spreading trash about myself and my husband, and stopped degrading my mother in front of her friends (I.e. at her birthday party) AND if he became even the least bit fun to associate with, without incurring enough baggage for three therapy sessions, I'd consider associating with him again.

 

Until then, no. It was hard enough to get away from someone willing to strangle me in an attempt to to try to literally kill me. And that's what happens when you follow abusers down the rabbit hole.

 

The more you get drawn into their garbage, the more detrimental to your life it becomes.

 

If OP hadn't been so close to her brother when he started abusing his wife emotionally and Verbally, she would feel like she has to carry this nasty secret from SIL. she wouldn't have to be turning down lunch dates with OW. She would have to feel in a position to "protect her brother" from his own disregard for his family. But she was, and he's taken license to treat hos wife like garbage and try to drag his sister into it. The closer you get to someone actively abusing someone else, the nastier things get.

 

My life experience, 110%.

 

Contrary to what many end up thinking and feeling, there's more to life than working up tons of empathy for someone who abuses others. What about empathy for the actual victim? That matters more IMHO. My first act of support would be to not support the abuser. And the abuser in my case would not be able to hide behind being "family" because its still wrong to abuse.

 

It isn't even all about the abuser. It's about self-preservation.[/quote

 

I have empathy for the sister. Not the brother at all, never said I did. I have empathy for a grown person (obviously not kids) being abused, once! After that unless tied down or a gun up to your head, you're very much part of your own victimization. Loved my grandmother but she stayed with a man that beat the hell out of her & her kids (my mom included) as adults they blame BOTH parents not just their dad. Once again abusers only continue to abuse bc they're allowed.

[Gigi2015]

I think my brother is getting there....maybe. I'd like to see him come to a place where he can confess so they can work things out--maybe--maybe not. I think my brother comes to me for a reality check....I don't withhold it. I don't tell him what to do but I remind him of what he had. He tells me about horrible things he's done ...I don't see how healing can occur unless you tell the truth. How can she explain to herself what's been going on? She has suspicions and pain....how can she get over it without the truth? I KNOW my brother wants to end it ( the AP). .. He's afraid his AP is going to reveal it...so--instead he thinks he has to let her down gently--barf!! My brother has never done anything like this before. It's as if he's bipolar! One minute he's guilty and crying the next blaming his wife. He's also been in HB lately ...so I think he's probably over the AP.

[CarrieT]

Give your brother a time-frame to tell his wife.

 

And then advise him that if he doesn't confess, you will tell his wife.

 

Because eventually she will find out and resent you for knowing and not telling her.

[Gigi2015]

He's treating her like crap for sure & definitely being a jerk. She's putting up with it though. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. Abusers can't abuse someone that won't allow it. I would say why are you putting up with it. My brother had a girlfriend that used to call me & say he was being a jerk all the time & he was. He was seeing other girls & she was always upset, I told him he was wrong but I also told her, you have a choice to leave. 6 years later she still comes running back!

 

I'm not going to stop talking to him when she keeps dealing with it. Then my brother & I would have a strained relationship over a person who truly enables it.

 

No one even saying how SIL continues to enable Jos behavior more than his sister.

 

The problem is this: he's sending mixed messages...so --she doesn't know what to believe. They make love like crazy one week. Sweet lunches dinners, getaways, etc..,.then he sees his AP and feels guilty about that....plain ping-pong. The wife can't figure out what's going on.

[Popsicle]

This is why I never want to hear about the affairs of anyone I know anymore. It puts you in the middle of a very nasty situation. If rather then be mad at me for not wanting to talk to them about it than all the worse crap that's about to happen due to the A, than being an accessory (with none of the A benefits, btw) to it.

[katielee]

I have empathy for a grown person (obviously not kids) being abused, once! After that unless tied down or a gun up to your head, you're very much part of your own victimization.. Once again abusers only continue to abuse bc they're allowed.

 

but the BS doesn't know she's being abused. She just thinks she's crazy and that's what gaslighting does.

you're right with your last sentence. The OP needs to have strict boundaries here so it's not allowed on her watch.

[Gigi2015]

Give your brother a time-frame to tell his wife.

 

And then advise him that if he doesn't confess, you will tell his wife.

 

Because eventually she will find out and resent you for knowing and not telling her.

 

I may be simply delusional about my

thinking he's almost at the point of discovery. I'm trying to figure it out. I think my brother may on the verge of solving this...I'm afraid if I intrude I may ruin his life...but---I LIKE the timeframe scenario...whether he knows it or not. I'm not ok standing by while someone's self-esteem and ego gets eroded by lies. She doesn't deserve it. All his accusations came from him trying to rationalize an affair. Amazing this happened the FIRST time she ever needed him there. Not feeling proud of my brother right now... And

Edited February 1, 2016 by Gigi2015

[Gigi2015]

This is why I never want to hear about the affairs of anyone I know anymore. It puts you in the middle of a very nasty situation. If rather then be mad at me for not wanting to talk to them about it than all the worse crap that's about to happen due to the A, than being an accessory (with none of the A benefits, btw) to it.

 

My brother and I have been very close throughout our lives...we're just a year apart. We've been at each other's side through thick and thin. I was by his side when he divorced the first time...I agreed it was time to let go. But---I feel I may be the only one my brother can turn to now. I won't demonize him tjough I'm shocked at how irrational he's become. I want to help him if I can. He's ALWAYS been there for me too....and gave me a reality adjustment when I needed it. I don't think he's a monster.

[BetrayedH]

It's her brother. She loves him, she's not cutting him or sister Inlaw out. Do you follow this advice of cutting everyone out that makes mistakes? Your wife mistakes was against you, completely understand but you go cutting people out bc of bad choices you'll see one day when you've made a bad choice/mistake no one will be there for you. IMO, it's very lonely being perfect.

 

Kindly keep your advice to the OP. I'm not here to debate you or to be lectured by you.

 

I am a forgiving soul for those that choose to stop making their "mistakes." In this case, the OP is placed in a horribly awkward position by her brother where she has to face her sister in law and effectively lie for him. I would not lie for him. Frankly, he'd be wise to consider himself lucky that I didn't spill my guts to my poor betrayed sister in law. And if he wanted to avoid that scenario, then he can kindly leave me out of the whole damn thing.

 

As for my own life, I have cut out family members before when they refused to stop unacceptable behaviors. My father was an absolute ass and I didn't speak with him for 5 years. When he apologized, we resumed contact and he's managed to develop a good relationship with his grandchildren. Had he persisted in being an ass, he could go kick rocks. I'm not a perfect individual and I'm not a harsh one either. But I have learned about setting healthy boundaries in my life. I no longer tolerate intolerable behavior. And if one of my brothers were horribly betraying his wife, he'd hear my opinion quite clearly and be wise to keep me removed from the situation. I won't be out in a position where someone else's abhorrent behavior influences me to violate my own integrity. In my family, I am the eldest of four boys and my opinion is respected amongst them, for good reason.

[OneLov]

If you guys are close, you can tell someone when they're f*cking up. Or like my dad says, "what the hell is wrong with you?" Tell him he's letting a whole bunch of people down including himself. Go to him not in anger but in love and concern.

 

Reputation is priceless.

[Gigi2015]

I don't view myself as lying to my SIL...I perhaps may be her best advocate! But---it helps nothing to detonate an information bomb when someone (meaning my bro) is in the process of coming to a huge realization. I may Bering but---6 weeks NC...

[Popsicle]

My brother and I have been very close throughout our lives...we're just a year apart. We've been at each other's side through thick and thin. I was by his side when he divorced the first time...I agreed it was time to let go. But---I feel I may be the only one my brother can turn to now. I won't demonize him tjough I'm shocked at how irrational he's become. I want to help him if I can. He's ALWAYS been there for me too....and gave me a reality adjustment when I needed it. I don't think he's a monster.

 

People in affairs are isolated by nature and have no one to talk to about it in real life. That is why everyone who is here on this forum as an OW/OM is here. So what? There's a reason why you can't talk to anyone about it. Because it's wrong and no one approves!

 

Your brother is not listening to you though. I personally think you are too far into their business but if you insist on being there, then I'll bet money that it won't stop until you're forced to tell his wife that he's having an affair.

[Gigi2015]

People in affairs are isolated by nature and have no one to talk to about it in real life. That is why everyone who is here on this forum as an OW/OM is here. So what? There's a reason why you can't talk to anyone about it. Because it's wrong and no one approves!

 

Your brother is not listening to you though. I personally think you are too far into their business but if you insist on being there, then I'll bet money that it won't stop until you're forced to tell his wife that he's having an affair.

 

Yes and no which is weird. We are VERY close. I've told him about my issues in the past and he's called me out too. I try to just provide info rather than to tell him he's right or wrong. He's called be crying saying please help me GiGI... I don't even want my AP! He's going through a mid-life crisis!

[katielee]

Gigi - it's more than a MLC (I really don't believe in them). He's had a history of making poor choices (jail). The question is, WHY? Why does he need the external validation of a woman he doesn't even like? Why does he treat his wife like crap? Why can't he stop? Most likely, he feels crappy about himself. But why? Why is he acting out destructively? Why is he reaching for things that maybe feel good in the short term but are awful in the long term? Why doesn't he have good coping mechanisms?

This is why IC would be so very important for him. You've eluded to some FOO issues. He should start there.

[William]

Folks, since this thread appears to be about dealing with a family member in a supposed mid-life crisis, with one aspect of it being an affair, moderation moved the thread to our family forum per policy and invite members to remain focused on the topical material forwarded, helping the thread starter advise their family member. Thanks!

[BetrayedH]

I don't view myself as lying to my SIL...I perhaps may be her best advocate! But---it helps nothing to detonate an information bomb when someone (meaning my bro) is in the process of coming to a huge realization. I may Bering but---6 weeks NC...

 

When you are in front of her and she decides to confide in you that she's at a loss about what to do with her marriage, we'll see if you lie or not.

 

I don't say this to insult you; I think you're legitimately have the best of intentions. But your brother is putting you in the position of having to choose between keeping his lie and keeping your integrity. You've already said that you can hardly look her in the face. There's a reason for that.

 

I also think that you should stop considering the potential revelation to your SIL to be an information bomb. It's not the hearing of the affair that causes the damage; it's the affair itself.

 

I think you'd be wise to consider Carrie's suggestion. The next time your brother engages you in conversation about the affair and it looks as if he's continuing it, I'd tell him that you're no longer enabling this betrayal and that he's either going to confess to his betrayed wife or you'll do it for him (give him a deadline). And you can remind him that it's his own piss poor choices to engage in the affair and to put you in the middle of it that have landed him in this position.

 

Don't want to be the one to narc on him? I get that. And that's why I suggested the other alternative - let him make his "mistakes" and refuse to be a party to any of it.

[Gigi2015]

When you are in front of her and she decides to confide in you that she's at a loss about what to do with her marriage, we'll see if you lie or not.

 

I don't say this to insult you; I think you're legitimately have the best of intentions. But your brother is putting you in the position of having to choose between keeping his lie and keeping your integrity. You've already said that you can hardly look her in the face. There's a reason for that.

 

I also think that you should stop considering the potential revelation to your SIL to be an information bomb. It's not the hearing of the affair that causes the damage; it's the affair itself.

 

I think you'd be wise to consider Carrie's suggestion. The next time your brother engages you in conversation about the affair and it looks as if he's continuing it, I'd tell him that you're no longer enabling this betrayal and that he's either going to confess to his betrayed wife or you'll do it for him (give him a deadline). And you can remind him that it's his own piss poor choices to engage in the affair and to put you in the middle of it that have landed him in this position.

 

Don't want to be the one to narc on him? I get that. And that's why I suggested the other alternative - let him make his "mistakes" and refuse to be a party to any of it.

 

Oh God!! I hope it doesn't come down to me...I see my brother changing and realizing it was all a mid-life fantasy. If she did I think I'd break down and cry! She doesn't deserve this. I wouldn't blame her if she dumped him...but--I've seen their bond, what they can be together...it'd be a shame. Then I feel guilty and think it be a shame for my brother....she hasn't crossed the line. The worst part is the other day she went to the E.R. She is not dramatic at all and actually avoids doctors...she had a panic attack? My brother told me. She was sure she was having a heart attack! If something doesn't change soon than my brother is going to have a life of regret!

[Gigi2015]

Gigi - it's more than a MLC (I really don't believe in them). He's had a history of making poor choices (jail). The question is, WHY? Why does he need the external validation of a woman he doesn't even like? Why does he treat his wife like crap? Why can't he stop? Most likely, he feels crappy he's a self-made man.about himself. But why? Why is he acting out destructively? Why is he reaching for things that maybe feel good in the short term but are awful in the long term? Why doesn't he have good coping mechanisms?

This is why IC would be so very important for him. You've eluded to some FOO issues. He should start there.

 

He's also had a history of determination, self-motivation, discipline...hes successful, well-educated...made some stupid moves in his youth...Still struggles with temper. he's NEVER cheated before...first time. He's confused!!! He doesn't even like his AP. hes afraid to be old and that this may be be the last time women will be drawn to him....SLLY. He's actually very nice looking, in shape and successful. And---if he loses my SIL he's a darn fool! She's he's equivalent.

[katielee]

If something doesn't change soon than my brother is going to have a life of regret!

 

honey, so are you if you don't do something. your brother HAS put you in an awful situation. You need to be very clear on your values and boundaries. What if you were the wife in this situation? He needs to tell her like yesterday. She is in danger, apparently - mentally and physically.

Give him a time ultimatum.

[Gigi2015]

Katielee:

 

I agree with you in a sense. But--my brother has really come leaps and bounds in the last 2 months. He went NC for 6 weeks!. He called me and said he didn't even like his AP....this seems to be wrapping up. I think he's attempting to let down the OW gradually as to not cause her distress( or promote her going bunny boiler). I'm NOT ok with ANY of this. I'm hoping my brother decides to go to therapy with my SIL and reveal what's really been hoping on. Lately (since X-mass). They've been more like a couple again..he's taking my SIL out, cooking for her, etc....I think this may be at an end...

[katielee]

but Gig - she's having panic attacks.. she feels something in her gut.

I hope he tells her - soon.

[Whoknew30]

Kindly keep your advice to the OP. I'm not here to debate you or to be lectured by you.

 

I am a forgiving soul for those that choose to stop making their "mistakes." In this case, the OP is placed in a horribly awkward position by her brother where she has to face her sister in law and effectively lie for him. I would not lie for him. Frankly, he'd be wise to consider himself lucky that I didn't spill my guts to my poor betrayed sister in law. And if he wanted to avoid that scenario, then he can kindly leave me out of the whole damn thing.

 

As for my own life, I have cut out family members before when they refused to stop unacceptable behaviors. My father was an absolute ass and I didn't speak with him for 5 years. When he apologized, we resumed contact and he's managed to develop a good relationship with his grandchildren. Had he persisted in being an ass, he could go kick rocks. I'm not a perfect individual and I'm not a harsh one either. But I have learned about setting healthy boundaries in my life. I no longer tolerate intolerable behavior. And if one of my brothers were horribly betraying his wife, he'd hear my opinion quite clearly and be wise to keep me removed from the situation. I won't be out in a position where someone else's abhorrent behavior influences me to violate my own integrity. In my family, I am the eldest of four boys and my opinion is respected amongst them, for good reason.

 

 

I just think those should only give advice that they follow themselves & there isn't anything wrong with asking if they themselves have implemented there own suggestion.It wasn't a debate. Removing yourself from a situation & removing yourself entirely from the a person can be different things. Not wanting to be around an A is different than not wanting to be around the person having one.

 

As for someone else abhorrent behavior, if it makes you want to do what they're doing, nothing wrong with removing yourself but for other's that have no desire to what that person is doing, have no real reason to remove them out of their life. You can love & hang out with a person, not be involved in their bad choices & still have them in your life.

[BetrayedH]

Katielee:

 

I agree with you in a sense. But--my brother has really come leaps and bounds in the last 2 months. He went NC for 6 weeks!. He called me and said he didn't even like his AP....this seems to be wrapping up. I think he's attempting to let down the OW gradually as to not cause her distress( or promote her going bunny boiler). I'm NOT ok with ANY of this. I'm hoping my brother decides to go to therapy with my SIL and reveal what's really been hoping on. Lately (since X-mass). They've been more like a couple again..he's taking my SIL out, cooking for her, etc....I think this may be at an end...

 

I think it's ok to hope for the best. But you should also prepared for the worst, which is why you came here, right?

 

Keep giving some thought as to what your position should be if this continues. Gaslighting is an awful thing, as you've witnessed. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to draw a line about how much you're willing to participate in this. Personally, I wish someone (anyone) had come forward and told me. That would have allowed me to make an informed decision about how to move forward with my life - perhaps to even work on reconciling with my wife if the circumstances were right. But this poor woman is stuck analyzing everything (and likely blaming herself) to the point of panic attacks. At some point, your compliance with it should come to an end or you'll be in a position of having to defend yourself as a willing accomplice. Personally, you didn't bring this on and neither did your SIL; I hope it's just your brother that has to own the consequences of his choices.

[Gigi2015]

Who knew:

 

Yes...you've hit the nail on the head!!! Except I seriously cannot see my SIL suffering like this due to NO fault of her own. He had demonized her for 9 months. There was NOTHING she could do right. He would become angry if she happened to wake up early before he went to work or ...God forbid be at home when he for off work on Friday. If she tried to repair things he'd run away upstairs(locked himself into a room) or to a hotel if she persisted. I still think she DESERVES to know what happened ...baby steps...

[Gigi2015]

I think it's ok to hope for the best. But you should also prepared for the worst, which is why you came here, right?

 

Keep giving some thought as to what your position should be if this continues. Gaslighting is an awful thing, as you've witnessed. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to draw a line about how much you're willing to participate in this. Personally, I wish someone (anyone) had come forward and told me. That would have allowed me to make an informed decision about how to move forward with my life - perhaps to even work on reconciling with my wife if the circumstances were right. But this poor woman is stuck analyzing everything (and likely blaming herself) to the point of panic attacks. At some point, your compliance with it should come to an end or you'll be in a position of having to defend yourself as a willing accomplice. Personally, you didn't bring this on and neither did your SIL; I hope it's just your brother that has to own the consequences of his choices.

 

 

BetrayedH:

 

I see progress so I'm staying put. If this doesn't resolve I may have to tell her myself....sure hope I never have to but---people can become cruel...I'm not planning to enlist!