My brother's mid-life crisis [and affair]

[Whoknew30]

Who knew:

 

Yes...you've hit the nail on the head!!! Except I seriously cannot see my SIL suffering like this due to NO fault of her own. He had demonized her for 9 months. There was NOTHING she could do right. He would become angry if she happened to wake up early before he went to work or ...God forbid be at home when he for off work on Friday. If she tried to repair things he'd run away upstairs(locked himself into a room) or to a hotel if she persisted. I still think she DESERVES to know what happened ...baby steps...

 

I agree, it's sad for her. Maybe she does but I understand how it would turn into hell for you. She has to know something is up, that's why she's asking questions. Many times BS know before it ever comes out, just feel down they don't want to believe it or don't want to actually go looking for it.

 

Hopefully he stops. The guilt is getting to him (that's why he's starting fights) & A aren't fun when you start feeling like crap about yourself. I hope everything works out, so hard when it's your family.

[Furious]

My stance is I refuse to meet with her.

My brother wanted for us to have lunch together and I refused. Told him I would NOT be a part of it. There's nothing I could tell this woman to desuade her from not seeking out my brother. My brother is THE responsible party here.

 

 

^^^^^ the above.

 

You may love and respect your brother but it's obvious he doesn't respect you.

It's one thing that he confided in you but it's another thing to want you to meet the OW knowing how horrible you feel for your sister-in-law.

 

 

You're being manipulated by him. You are keeping his secrets for him and It seems he has not lost sleep in putting you in the middle of this situation.

 

The way you described your sister in law, she has carried so much in their marriage to support your brother.

 

Your brother sounds like a spoilt entitled brat and he's playing you just as much as he is playing his wife.

 

Also, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your sister in law cheating on your brother would you keep that secret from him?

Edited February 1, 2016 by Furious

[Gigi2015]

I read back and realized I didn't type this correctly. My SIL has worked for 95% of the time during their marriage...clarification! Didn't mean to say she did 95% of the work. But --still she also worked overtime while my brother was furthering his education. She also took care for everything else but the yard. Funny thing--for the first time ever since my brother went NC, he's helping out at home even though my SIL no longer works(and I simply mean doing a load of laundry here and there). Still... I think there's hope there. I really do think they have been great partners and love each other....he also has said passion was never a problem

[dreamingoftigers]

He's treating her like crap for sure & definitely being a jerk. She's putting up with it though. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. Abusers can't abuse someone that won't allow it. I would say why are you putting up with it. My brother had a girlfriend that used to call me & say he was being a jerk all the time & he was. He was seeing other girls & she was always upset, I told him he was wrong but I also told her, you have a choice to leave. 6 years later she still comes running back!

 

I'm not going to stop talking to him when she keeps dealing with it. Then my brother & I would have a strained relationship over a person who truly enables it.

 

No one even saying how SIL continues to enable Jos behavior more than his sister.

 

Abusive relationships are so denigrating, it makes it incredibly difficult to function normally, much less see the abuse, recognize it and formulate a plan away from it.

 

Victim-blaming at its finest.

 

Please feel free to read up on the psychological and physiological effects of abuse.

 

Clearly the SIL is exhibiting some very strong signs of this, especially with weight loss and gain, extra effort that is noticed but resented etc etc etc.

 

What an awful circumstance.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I have empathy for the sister. Not the brother at all, never said I did. I have empathy for a grown person (obviously not kids) being abused, once! After that unless tied down or a gun up to your head, you're very much part of your own victimization. Loved my grandmother but she stayed with a man that beat the hell out of her & her kids (my mom included) as adults they blame BOTH parents not just their dad. Once again abusers only continue to abuse bc they're allowed.

 

So keep the abuser as your buddy because "he's family" but let the victim know that they've let the line be crossed "twice" now so they are now responsible for being abused.

 

That's ridiculous. I would not be surprised if one of your children had difficulty coming to you, fearing even more judgment, if they got into a relationship where DV was an issue.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh God!! I hope it doesn't come down to me...I see my brother changing and realizing it was all a mid-life fantasy. If she did I think I'd break down and cry! She doesn't deserve this. I wouldn't blame her if she dumped him...but--I've seen their bond, what they can be together...it'd be a shame. Then I feel guilty and think it be a shame for my brother....she hasn't crossed the line. The worst part is the other day she went to the E.R. She is not dramatic at all and actually avoids doctors...she had a panic attack? My brother told me. She was sure she was having a heart attack! If something doesn't change soon than my brother is going to have a life of regret!

 

I've had one of these, the physical stress is very real and increases the risk of having a heart-attavk over the next five year period.

 

He's literally gambling with her health.

 

I can't describe how sick I was with my husband's issues.

It is very stressful onnthe mind and body. Like your SIL, I knew something was wrong and I didn't know what.

 

It was crazy-making.

 

I swear, its like the same 'high' that addicts get. That high comes from somewhere. I dont juet nean whatever drug. They borrow from their own futures and steal it from their families' happiness.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree, it's sad for her. Maybe she does but I understand how it would turn into hell for you. She has to know something is up, that's why she's asking questions. Many times BS know before it ever comes out, just feel down they don't want to believe it or don't want to actually go looking for it.

 

Hopefully he stops. The guilt is getting to him (that's why he's starting fights) & A aren't fun when you start feeling like crap about yourself. I hope everything works out, so hard when it's your family.

It already looks like Hell for the OP.

 

Seriously. She's watching this go down, knowing full well what's happening, and she's feeling very condemned to silence lest her brothers marriage fall apart due to it.

 

That doesn't sound very pleasant.

[Gigi2015]

So keep the abuser as your buddy because "he's family" but let the victim know that they've let the line be crossed "twice" now so they are now responsible for being abused.

 

That's ridiculous. I would not be surprised if one of your children had difficulty coming to you, fearing even more judgment, if they got into a relationship where DV was an issue.

 

This is the weird part :IM NOT OK!!! I see my SIL disintegrating !!! I've never been in this situation. My brother seems to be recognizing his issues and is maintaining NC! i do realize if this were my sister I would've done differently! She deserves to know. My brother thinks it'll make things worse if she knows. I don't want to hurt her...but---if it were me I'd rather know...I told my brother this. He was angry at me... Oh, well.... He better fix this....

[Gigi2015]

I've had one of these, the physical stress is very real and increases the risk of having a heart-attavk over the next five year period.

 

He's literally gambling with her health.

 

I can't describe how sick I was with my husband's issues.

It is very stressful onnthe mind and body. Like your SIL, I knew something was wrong and I didn't know what.

 

It was crazy-making.

 

I swear, its like the same 'high' that addicts get. That high comes from somewhere. I dont juet nean whatever drug. They borrow from their own futures and steal it from their families' happiness.

 

My SIL is NOT an attention grabber...So I get this. I think it's literally killing her...

[amaysngrace]

If I were your SIL and things were going to get better I don't think I'd want to know.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is the weird part :IM NOT OK!!! I see my SIL disintegrating !!! I've never been in this situation. My brother seems to be recognizing his issues and is maintaining NC! i do realize if this were my sister I would've done differently! She deserves to know. My brother thinks it'll make things worse if she knows. I don't want to hurt her...but---if it were me I'd rather know...I told my brother this. He was angry at me... Oh, well.... He better fix this....

 

I know you aren't. We got into it as a side-bar.

 

I think your position on this sucks raw eggs.

 

My father left his affair in the open and even did suggestive little brags about it before all of the info came in.

 

My mother didn't believe it until it was right in front of her face. (I don't blame her). But it made me very sick inside.

 

I think it sucks that it's eating at you and not the perpetrator.

 

And he's going to be "pissed off."

 

I read a funny article today about those that "mind[screw]" others. They are set to three channels: charm, self-pity and rage.

 

I often find those that cheat are set to these three when they are actively cheating, much like addicts in active addiction and much like active abusers.

 

When people get "latched" on something like this, they get very destructive. Often the lines get very blurred for them etc.

 

I really don't envy your position at all and completely empathize. It's no fun watching someone you care about go self-destructive, especially when they are taking down innocents with them.

[Gigi2015]

I think it's coming to an end if not done. I don't know how things ever developed. can't even imagine my brother associated with a woman such as that---He didn't even like her!!!can at least do right by her I'm ok. Not her fault either! He allowed her in. Never told her she simply wasn't good enough. I think he used her! I don't know if things can be explained or wether I should intervene or not. I know he loves my SIL...I can't reconcile what he he did... im not ok with that either.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Gigi2015

[S2B]

It really doesn't matter how he felt - it only matters what he's done.

 

Have a voice - speak your truth. Saying something is better than staying silent. It doesn't matter if he's mad - he did this; he can be mad at himself for doing it.

[Cymbeline]

It may be nearly done, but given the addictive nature of these liaisons, I think that sometimes, a real threat of consequences is necessary to frighten them into sticking to NC, and this hasn't happened to him. A genuine ultimatum from you could be the final kick that helps him.

 

Also, if his wife is depressed, she won't realise and be able to take steps to help herself and her marriage if she doesn't know just how much trouble they are in.

 

Others are correct in saying that when (not if) she finds out you colluded in keeping this a secret, she wil have trouble trusting you again. I really believe you need to get a bit tougher with him. You obviously are a loving sister, but a bit of tougher live is need here and he will understand that deep down. It sounds as if he might have some impulse control issues, so enabling him in any way is aiding and abetting his destructive impulses. It's likely he wants to stop and cannot control them easily. Your intransigence in this matter will actually be a support to him since it will be mitigated with love.

[Gigi2015]

Cymbeline:

 

I do know he's been trying to leave this relationship with the OW. If he's been in NC for 6 weeks and I threaten to tell my SIL, it is possible he won't trust me anymore. Meaning if he continues I won't know. Since things are better between them, telling her or sending an anonymous note may result in chaos. However, I'm torn about this. Some people want to know and others don't. I don't think my bothers behavior over the last year reflects who he's been for the majority of their relationship. I think he's now trying to clean up the mess he's made. But--- the fact remains he's been abusive to my SIL for a year. She doesn't fully understand what really happened....so how can she heal? I'm sure she already feels resentment and possibly no longer trusts him. The reason I say this is because he's been hot and cold...she suspects. My brother said she asked him outright. I think that's when he decided to go NC

Edited February 2, 2016 by Gigi2015

[Cymbeline]

Well if she has not asked him outright, maybe she doesn't want to know. I guess not everyone does. I still think you may have a role to play as 6 weeks isn't long and if he has a relapse in 6 weeks time, he will be back to square one. Unless he has support /help he is kicking his habit alone and this seems to be very difficult for many in an affair.

Good luck

[dreamingoftigers]

Well if she has not asked him outright, maybe she doesn't want to know. I guess not everyone does. I still think you may have a role to play as 6 weeks isn't long and if he has a relapse in 6 weeks time, he will be back to square one. Unless he has support /help he is kicking his habit alone and this seems to be very difficult for many in an affair.

Good luck

 

The SIL did ask outright.

[Whoknew30]

Abusive relationships are so denigrating, it makes it incredibly difficult to function normally, much less see the abuse, recognize it and formulate a plan away from it.

 

Victim-blaming at its finest.

 

Please feel free to read up on the psychological and physiological effects of abuse.

 

Clearly the SIL is exhibiting some very strong signs of this, especially with weight loss and gain, extra effort that is noticed but resented etc etc etc.

 

What an awful circumstance.

 

Like I said unless a child, IMO, that if you stay & continue to allow something (yes, you're allowing if is more than once) without being tied up, you have to own your responsibility in that. Does it take blame off the abuser, absolutely not!

 

Victim blaming is more like "well if she didn't do that he wouldn't have hit her". Not, "why are you allowing him to continually do this to you". See the difference.

 

My mom loves her mom but she even understands that she played part in my grandfathers abusive behavior. Not everyone puts up with that, so one can't say that it's "normal" behavior to abuse or is it "normal" behavior to allow it.

 

It's both a choosen action, to abuse & to allow abuse.

[Whoknew30]

So keep the abuser as your buddy because "he's family" but let the victim know that they've let the line be crossed "twice" now so they are now responsible for being abused.

 

That's ridiculous. I would not be surprised if one of your children had difficulty coming to you, fearing even more judgment, if they got into a relationship where DV was an issue.

 

EVERYONE, in my family, friends & my kids friends, come to me about everything. I'm always the first to know bc I'm dead honest. Even when I say something they don't want to hear. Everyone has control over their own actions, including the action of allowing oneself to stay in a bad situation with a bad person.

[Whoknew30]

It already looks like Hell for the OP.

 

Seriously. She's watching this go down, knowing full well what's happening, and she's feeling very condemned to silence lest her brothers marriage fall apart due to it.

 

That doesn't sound very pleasant.

 

Who said it was pleasant for her. Situations like this aren't pleasant for anyone involved.

[dreamingoftigers]

Who said it was pleasant for her. Situations like this aren't pleasant for anyone involved.

 

When you said it would be hell for her if she told, my response was: it seems we've already arrived at that location.

 

The telling isn't necessarily the issue, its hellish either way. She either becomes a sort of accomplice or turns in her brother. Not a choice I want to be in the middle of, again.

[Gigi2015]

Like I said unless a child, IMO, that if you stay & continue to allow something (yes, you're allowing if is more than once) without being tied up, you have to own your responsibility in that. Does it take blame off the abuser, absolutely not!

 

Victim blaming is more like "well if she didn't do that he wouldn't have hit her". Not, "why are you allowing him to continually do this to you". See the difference.

 

My mom loves her mom but she even understands that she played part in my grandfathers abusive behavior. Not everyone puts up with that, so one can't say that it's "normal" behavior to abuse or is it "normal" behavior to allow it.

 

It's both a choosen action, to abuse & to allow abuse.

 

I don't believe my SIL knows he's cheating. I doubt she'd stay. He's been hot & cold...one moment he kisses her feet...the next he's hyper critical. She's had a very long relationship with this man. She doesn't want to throw it away. She probably thinks he's going through a middle life routine...she's trying to stay put and more than likely hopeful it'll blow over...just so you know: They have no kids, there been the couple everyone envied. They still hold hands. My brother still finds her beautiful, they love each other....my brother simply panicked when confronted with aging....he's coming around.

[S2B]

Staying silent means you are willing to help him.

 

Who cares if he gets mad? He can get mad at himself - he created this!

[Gigi2015]

Staying silent means you are willing to help him.

 

Who cares if he gets mad? He can get mad at himself - he created this!

 

Well yes...and he's also taking steps to fix it. I'm not even sure she'd like to know. They seem back on track...even renewing vows. I gave no need to ruin the whole thing. They truly love each other. My brother is in IC. The train wreck has stopped....

[Whoknew30]

I don't believe my SIL knows he's cheating. I doubt she'd stay. He's been hot & cold...one moment he kisses her feet...the next he's hyper critical. She's had a very long relationship with this man. She doesn't want to throw it away. She probably thinks he's going through a middle life routine...she's trying to stay put and more than likely hopeful it'll blow over...just so you know: They have no kids, there been the couple everyone envied. They still hold hands. My brother still finds her beautiful, they love each other....my brother simply panicked when confronted with aging....he's coming around.

 

She probably doesn't want to know. Women know when something is up but doesn't mean they want to go looking for it. I don't think you've done the wrong thing at all by not telling. Most people just love to tell to make themselves feel like they've done something good & when things blow up, they jump back & say...then you shouldn't have done it. It's easy to tell when you're not going to be there to see what comes from it. You would be & no matter the outcome everyone would be hurt.

 

I feel for you bc it such a difficult situation. I hope it works out.