Around and round we go

[darthzaria]

So, I'm basically a life long lesbian. I had an online friend of eight years. She and I decided to meet at Disney world after years of talking and months of talking on the phone the entire day and night. Prior to the trip she expressed the desire to take a bath with me, kiss me, and even mentioned having sex. I've always had a crush on the girl since we were kids, and with all the encouraging attention I fell in love with her. When it finally came time for us to meet everything was amazing. The transition between long distance friends and real world friends was completely natural. We clicked. It was amazing. It was perfect. She held my hand and we acted as couples do the entire time. Long story short she ended up being my girlfriend. However, I found out she had a boyfriend the entire time.

 

I never thought she would lie to me. However, she promised she never would again and I believed her. So, two months later when I went to see her I found she had a plenty of fish account. I let that go since it wasn't active. When I arrived home I found she had been cheating on me with the same boyfriend from before all long. I broke up with her. Two days later she jumped on a plane and came to see me. I thought that was the sign that she loved me. We got back together. Shortly after that I moved to the same state as her. However, once there I continued to uncover more and more of her lies. Finally, I guess she got tired of getting caught and confessed to everything she had ever done to wrong me. The truth devastated me. After that she turned over a new leaf always being faithful and telling me the truth. We began attending couples therapy. She really has been trying to make up for her wrongs.

 

In spite of the new behavior I can't help despise her in some ways. I don't think I will ever be able to feel the same about her. I lack the desire to have sex with her. I don't trust her. I'm overly critical even when she deserves praise. I find myself unable to snap out of this hatred I've developed. However, at the same time I love her, and I melt inside anytime she does anything sweet for me. I want to trust her. I want us to be happy. I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. She chalks the entire thing up to being a new bisexual and simply being confused about loving me, but I just don't know.

[jen1447]

Sorry hon but these sound like complex issues having to do w/self esteem and repressed emotions and probably a bunch of other things that only a professional/therapy can really address. Good luck.