To Tony:

[devastated]

I was the girl that posted the help me post. If my boyfriend says he loves me and that he doesn't want this relationship to end then why he says he doesn't know about spending the rest of his life with me or just few days ago he told me he can't picture his life without me.

 

I will see him tomorrow and we are gonna talk about this. What can i say? I'm afraid that next time he says I love you he won't be sure he means it.

[Tony T]

Loving someone is pretty irrelevant to spending the rest of your life with them. In case nobody every told you, love is very wonderful but it doesn't quite stay at the level it is the first few years you know somebody.

 

There is a whole different set of criteria used for determining whether or not you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Love, hopefully, will always be there but is usually not in the passionate, fireworks form. It's sort of a different kind of love. It's the kind of love that keeps you around after the newness is over. They call it companionate love.

 

Lots of people are addicted to the fireworks and when it's gone, they like to find someone else to get that with again. That's why there's so much adultery. They do that over and over until they grow up and mature and are ready to settle down.

 

So your boyfriend can love you very very much but not know just how he will feel about spending the rest of his life with you or anybody else for that matter. He's going to give it the thoughtful consideration it deserves.

 

Marriage is probably less than one percent romance. Spending your life with a person entails walking in on them in the bathroom and seeing them on the toilet, helping them when they're sick and barfing (throwing up, regurgitating), seeing them with their hair all messed up and smelly breath in the morning, having them totally preoccupied with being pregnant, raising babies, etc., being preoccupied with bills, doctor visits, plumbing problems, getting the car serviced, weddings, funerals, job stress and working overtime, talking to teachers about why Johnny is flunking first grade, talking to coach about why Johnny is on the bench so much, in-law disputes, etc. etc.

 

Spending your life with a person is not all roses. For some people, just being friends might even be the better road to take. Yes, certain lucky, sane, rational, level-headed people can have a very great life together. They can put all the daily trials and tribulations into perspective and enjoy the joys and happiness and tolerate the stress, business and downside. But so many people think that marriage is just having sex constantly and living one big orgasm...and that simply isn't true.

 

A good argument for saving sex for marriage is that if you have a lot of premarital sex, that's probably as good and as frequent as it will ever be. If you wait, then your marital sex life may have a better chance to sustain itself longer and be more fulfilling.

 

As a matter of fact, lots of single people have loads more sex than married people.

 

So your boyfriend is just being very mature about this and you have to respect him for that. He may even be looking out for you here as well. In a relationship, he may be quite a lovable guy. Spending a lifetime with him could be real hell. There's no way of knowing until you're there.

 

Taking your time in making these kinds of decisions is a real plus. Respect your guy for that. Love has nothing at all to do with it. After you're married a while and bogged down with all of life's other crap, you often forget that you were ever madly in love.

 

Be prepared to make marriage with whomever you marry as pleasant as possible and work through things calmly and rationally. This will ensure your happiness and success.

 

One thing a good mate does is consider and respect the feelings of his mate and others. So if you want to be a good spouse, you'll respect your guy's feelings about this matter now and do your best to understand them. He is not you, he is a different individual who comes from a different background and has his own way of thinking. You have to respect that individuality or you'll be in very big trouble.

 

You ought to be EXTREMELY grateful that your guy is giving marriage and his lifetime the thought and consideration he is. Too many people make this awesome decision in a fit of passion and make the mistake of a lifetime.

 

You've got a sane, rational guy here. I know it's hard when you're in love but there's a lot of value in looking at the practical side of spending a lifetime with somebody. Just think, here you are thinking about spening the rest of your days on this planet with somebody you didn't even know a year or so ago. Wow!!! If he doesn't make up his mind in a reasonable time, go elsewhere.

 

But if a guy ever proposes to you after knowing you just a few months, run as fast as he can. A guy like that is really out of touch with reality.