Struggling with nc - missing mm so much it hurts [updated]

[imperfectangel]

Really struggling these past few days. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I get the impression he thinks I'm doing ok. I know contacting him is pointless we don't want the same things. At least I don't think so. He wanted a proper talk around the time we went nc now I feel bad because I just shut him down and refused to meet him now I won't know what he wanted to say.

 

I miss him not sex. I miss his voice his company everything.

 

I feel like I am dying and I'm finding it really hard to cope right now

[cocorico]

The "proper talk" would likely have left you more frustrated. Think about what you would have hoped he might say, and all the opportunities he had to say that previously, but didn't. So, likelihood is, it would just have been more of the same.

 

I'm told NC gets easier with time. What you're missing is not just him, it's you -'the happy, loved up you. You may not get him back (or, that amount of him you had) but you can get the happy, loved up you back. With time.

[imsosad]

Im really sorry you are hurting.

Breaking nc will only bring short term relief and long term pain.

I dont know the background but im guessing you wanted him to leave and begin a proper R with you?

If that were the case,he would have gotten the message to you somehow. My guess is the talk was about trying to buy more time.

In 99% of affairs,an affair is all that is on offer. Often there is talk of more,but it never materialises. You must assume that continuing the A will lead to more of the same. No progress,no growth.

Ask yourself two questions:

A where do you want to be a year from now?

B think about his wife. Lied to, cheated on,betrayed,manipulated. Do you really want her place?

So many MM,mine included, say they dont love their wives,that they are cold,distant,boring.

He loved her enoug to marry her,and if she is so unhappy,maybe her H isnt doing a good job.

NC does work. There are setbacks and its a struggle,but there is long term progress.

Just yesterday i was here,in a mess, because my ex AP broke NC after 7 months. But you know what? The time that passed and the nc did have impact. I am today feeling together and more committed to nc than ever. It pulled me back momentarily,but distance has worked and im back to feeling like i did before the breach of nc.

Tell yourself you will make it today without contact. Tomorrw,do it again

You can do it. There is a better future for you out there,but you will have to be strong and tough it out a little before you get there.

Also,block him.

I deleted him from phone and social media but did nit blick,because i trusted him to respect nc.

Well,lesson learned.

He is blocked everywhere.

Blocking him will stop you from wondering when you hear from him.he just cant reach yi

Ou. Its actually very liberating.

Hold on and you will make it.

[lilacwine]

Really struggling these past few days. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I get the impression he thinks I'm doing ok. I know contacting him is pointless we don't want the same things. At least I don't think so. He wanted a proper talk around the time we went nc now I feel bad because I just shut him down and refused to meet him now I won't know what he wanted to say.

 

I miss him not sex. I miss his voice his company everything.

 

I feel like I am dying and I'm finding it really hard to cope right now

 

You've been breaking up and making up with this MM, if I understand correctly, since 2011. Wow, 6 years and you're still struggling with NC. In one of your previous NC threads, you posted somewhat the same lines as the above. Are you not tired with the roller coaster ride after all this time? It saddens me to learn that this MM has been able to string you along for 6 years.... WTH and it seems you're about to cave in again.

 

I strongly believe what anyone has said/will say in this thread, you have heard a thousand times but you never seem to be able to stick to NC. I just pray for a miracle to happen where one day you'll finally wake up from this nightmare. No one can help you if you can't help yourself. I will pray for you!

[Adoraxx]

Really struggling these past few days. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I get the impression he thinks I'm doing ok. I know contacting him is pointless we don't want the same things. At least I don't think so. He wanted a proper talk around the time we went nc now I feel bad because I just shut him down and refused to meet him now I won't know what he wanted to say.

 

I miss him not sex. I miss his voice his company everything.

 

I feel like I am dying and I'm finding it really hard to cope right now

 

I could have written this myself, because this is exactly how I feel too... I miss him so very much and I can't even describe how much it hurts... knowing that I'm the only one missing the other because he surely doesn't miss me... I'm sure of it. I wish I had some advice for you but I don't have any

 

Hugs!!

[imperfectangel]

Thank you everyone I've known mm since I was in school I'm now 31. We have a long history which I think is why NC is so hard as I don't know life without him in some context or another.

 

I'm feeling a little better today I think my problem is that I think too far ahead and I need to take one step, each day at a time.

 

I'm not even counting the days this time. His final messages were very telling and he was very worried about me telling his wife. His last messages were about HIM. He showed no acknowledgment to what I AM going through just how all this will affect him and how many people I would HURT. Um no he hurt his family with his decisions. I could see he was already trying to shift blame. I could see for myself where his loyalties lie.

 

Obviously I expect it to be with his wife but to read it for myself was a eye opener.

 

I have re read his last messages, implying I'm a thorn in his side over and over. I need to do this. To see his true colours and to let his words sink in.

 

This is gonna be so hard but I need to do this for me

[sandylee1]

There's nothing he would have said that you haven't heard before. All you need to know is that his life and family are progressing while you stay stuck.

[imperfectangel]

There's nothing he would have said that you haven't heard before. All you need to know is that his life and family are progressing while you stay stuck.

 

I was honest with him. Told him I loved him and that I know he can't give me what I want. I am lucky my mm never filled my head with future faking there were few ILYs mainly from him.

 

I need to let go. I'm miserable. I don't want to go through this again it's affecting my health now mentally and physically.

 

We've ended on as good terms as it'll ever be. I don't hate him, more disappointed in myself more than him that I held on for so long.

[Adoraxx]

I was honest with him. Told him I loved him and that I know he can't give me what I want. I am lucky my mm never filled my head with future faking there were few ILYs mainly from him.

 

I need to let go. I'm miserable. I don't want to go through this again it's affecting my health now mentally and physically.

 

We've ended on as good terms as it'll ever be. I don't hate him, more disappointed in myself more than him that I held on for so long.

 

I feel disappointed in myself too: disappointed that I believed his lies for so LONG!!! (I met him 8 years ago). I want to let go so badly too, but I don't know how to do that... I wish I would feel more anger towards him, but even though he hurt me so often, I still find it hard to get mad. I don't want to love this man, I really don't. And I don't want to think about him either, but I do!! It's very frustrating and often I feel so much despair and I wonder if I will ever stop loving/ missing him :/

[Lovetoohard]

Imperfect angel, if you look at the majority of the posters, they post during the lowest of the low points. They are in the process of working through the pain and experience many bumps along the way. It's okay. It's part of the process. It's almost like post A school and you now need to pass final exams in order to graduate. Most eventually heal - some faster than others. Most will never forget about their experience, but they will look upon it as a hard lesson. They then come back to give posters that are at their lowest of the low points with sage advice because they have been there, done that and lived through it to come out on the flip side that is a happier, healthier and peaceful place.

 

Everyone's journey is different but the goal is the same - to get back to a healthy place in life. You will work through the cycle in your own time. Eventually your heart will catch up to logic and reality.

 

Wishing you well..

[SoleMate]

One day at a time. You're doing the right thing. Take care of yourself.....find some little indulgences, meet with a good friend, visit a sauna and have a cup of hot chocolate. Stay busy and with time, the pain will lessen.

[imperfectangel]

I'm definitely trying to keep busy and re reading his last messages is helping because they were so cut throat.

 

Today has been easier I had a little cry at dinner time when a certain song came on the radio but I dried my tears and that was that.

 

I can't look forward to next week I can only deal with today. One day at a time

[whichwayisup]

I was honest with him. Told him I loved him and that I know he can't give me what I want. I am lucky my mm never filled my head with future faking there were few ILYs mainly from him.

 

I need to let go. I'm miserable. I don't want to go through this again it's affecting my health now mentally and physically.

 

We've ended on as good terms as it'll ever be. I don't hate him, more disappointed in myself more than him that I held on for so long.

 

What's truly stopping you from letting go and grieving the loss once and for all, making it final? Is it fear of the pain and grieving process?

 

Your health on all levels will improve once you decide 100% to rid of him in every way possible. NC for life.

 

You can do this IMP, you have it in you and I believe you're very strong once you put your mind to it and stick to it.

[imperfectangel]

What's truly stopping you from letting go and grieving the loss once and for all, making it final? Is it fear of the pain and grieving process?

 

Put simply it's Because I love him. I can't take the stress anymore and it's impacting my entire life. The way he tried to shift blame that I would be the one hurting his family and not him if his wife found out really actually hurt me. I accept I haven't behaved the best but he is the one that took vows etc not me and yet he doesn't seem to accept responsibility.

 

He showed me a side of him that I haven't seen before. Suddenly everything was my fault. He has issues at work and at home and doesn't need me "adding" to them - his words. That hurt that I can't express my feelings without being told I'm adding to his problems. What about all the heartache he cause me?! He's either exceptionally naive or ignorant. I think it's the latter

[rainbowsandkittens]

What about all the heartache he cause me?! He's either exceptionally naive or ignorant. I think it's the latter

 

I don't think it's either. I think he's callous. If he truly cared he wouldn't put the blame on you. He would understand and respect how hard this is for everyone and how HE is the one who created this mess.

[imperfectangel]

I don't think it's either. I think he's callous. If he truly cared he wouldn't put the blame on you. He would understand and respect how hard this is for everyone and how HE is the one who created this mess.

 

At this point I feel like if I got hit by a bus and died tomorrow he'd probably just be grateful his secret died with me. I find it hard to believe someone can be in someone else's life for nearly 20 years yet feel nothing for that person but he's showing me it is possible.

[rainbowsandkittens]

At this point I feel like if I got hit by a bus and died tomorrow he'd probably just be grateful his secret died with me. I find it hard to believe someone can be in someone else's life for nearly 20 years yet feel nothing for that person but he's showing me it is possible.

 

Aw hon. I don't think it's quite that bad. But I do think he's only looking out for himself. So many of these guys (and women) are narcissists. And conflict avoiders. So he's trying to avoid one more conflict. It is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being an ass clown. Which is so much easier to say or hear from someone than it is to feel it. Believe me, I know. As hurt as I am by my AP (and I feel like I'm falling apart and not dealing well AT ALL right now) if someone said something to me about him- I would probably defend him. It's like a sickness.

[imperfectangel]

He's definitely a conflict avoider without a doubt. I'm not sure I can 100% blame him for thinking "it's all about him" since I kind of made it that way. I told him what he wanted to hear I took all his **** and never expected or demanded anything in return. Whoever we had a argument he'd disappear for a few weeks last year he did it for two months. It was the worst two months of my life, I even told him my grandma had died and he still ignored me even when I was in our hometown for her funeral.

 

I can't let this almost conditioning treatment carry on. It's unhealthy. I actually feel sorry for his wife. I can break free. She will always have ties to him even if they do split somewhere in the future

[rainbowsandkittens]

YOU didn't it make it that way- the nature of the affair and he did. I talked to my therapist about this way back when things were still "ok" with us. I said I was afraid to tell him some things and he said that of course I was! We had a balance in power (read: he had all the power) and if I did or said the wrong thing he could decide it was too much trouble and leave. Which is exactly what happened, of course. And I still hadn't even been that demanding or said anything I thought was terrible (I told him we needed to "keep moving forward" and that I wanted him to meet my friends at some point.) The bottom line was it felt HORRIBLE not being honest and able to discuss things, to be at his mercy, to wait for his crumbs. This guy took 2 months off from you bc he didn't like what you had to say? Who does that? Is that someone you'd want to be married to?

 

I have to say when I was trying to decide if I wanted to stay or go from the A I listened a lot to "Brave" by Sara Barielles. It made me feel slightly more powerful.

[Popsicle]

Really struggling these past few days. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I get the impression he thinks I'm doing ok. I know contacting him is pointless we don't want the same things. At least I don't think so. He wanted a proper talk around the time we went nc now I feel bad because I just shut him down and refused to meet him now I won't know what he wanted to say.

 

I miss him not sex. I miss his voice his company everything.

 

I feel like I am dying and I'm finding it really hard to cope right now

 

No you did fantastic and are doing good. Keep the NC up.

[Lovetoohard]

Put simply it's Because I love him. I can't take the stress anymore and it's impacting my entire life. The way he tried to shift blame that I would be the one hurting his family and not him if his wife found out really actually hurt me. I accept I haven't behaved the best but he is the one that took vows etc not me and yet he doesn't seem to accept responsibility.

 

He showed me a side of him that I haven't seen before. Suddenly everything was my fault. He has issues at work and at home and doesn't need me "adding" to them - his words. That hurt that I can't express my feelings without being told I'm adding to his problems. What about all the heartache he cause me?! He's either exceptionally naive or ignorant. I think it's the latter

 

I experienced the same blame shifting behavior and it hurt me to the core. My feelings, and everything that I did for him (a lot of times at the expense of my emotional health, work, family commitments, social life, and financial well being) didnt exist in his world. Keep in mind though, and I have said this quite a few times before - A's are initiated and fueled by self serving motives where the MM is in the dominant and favorable position and the OW is the submissive, people pleasing doormat. If you, as the OW, threaten that balance in any way, the delicate balance will be skewed and MM will be thrown off. If he can't convince you to keep the side arrangement going, he will retreat and fiercely protect his real life and in doing so, will blame you for throwing off the balance and hurting him and his family.

 

Also, another important thing that you can't forget is that a lot of MM are able to compartmentalize really well and don't feel remorse or guilt when they are actively engaged in the A. It's about HIS needs being met. So if he is capable of not thinking about how how is hurting his W and family when he started and kept up the A, what makes you think he will think about your feelings? I struggled with this concept for a long time and the thought that XMM didn't have a molecule of empathy or human decency in him was painful. BUT, I slowly realized such MM are truly broken, selfish people and nothing will change that. I actually pity such people because they are unable to truly have real intimacy with anybody - their internal world is a sad and lonely place.

Edited February 3, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Poppy47]

Angel,

You need to stay with your resolve. He really does treat you badly.

 

You sound so unhappy... I wish I could give you a hug.

 

Poppy.

xxx

[imperfectangel]

I am unhappy. I'm very much considering exposing him. I have one friend IRL that knows about the A and she thinks I should tell his wife. I found her fb page but I just don't have it in me to do it to his children

[Miss Clavel]

Thank you everyone I've known mm since I was in school I'm now 31. We have a long history which I think is why NC is so hard as I don't know life without him in some context or another.

 

I'm feeling a little better today I think my problem is that I think too far ahead and I need to take one step, each day at a time.

 

I'm not even counting the days this time. His final messages were very telling and he was very worried about me telling his wife. His last messages were about HIM. He showed no acknowledgment to what I AM going through just how all this will affect him and how many people I would HURT. Um no he hurt his family with his decisions. I could see he was already trying to shift blame. I could see for myself where his loyalties lie.

 

Obviously I expect it to be with his wife but to read it for myself was a eye opener.

 

I have re read his last messages, implying I'm a thorn in his side over and over. I need to do this. To see his true colours and to let his words sink in.

 

This is gonna be so hard but I need to do this for me

 

have your spine checked. if it turns out you have one, and i better keep my opinion about that to myself so i don't get an edit, USE IT.

 

as a child i grew up in the sunshine, outdoors. this resulted in various cuts and bruised. i, for some reason, would press on them and make them hurt in the belief that it would shorten the time it would take for them to STOP hurting. after i would press all the hurt out, i trusted them to heal and paid them no more mind.

 

what i'm advising you to do is to wallow around in the pain for a time. drink, cry, play those painful songs, get out all the mementos and go over them.

 

press on the pain.

 

then PACK IT UP. put it away and MOVE on.

 

six years? i'd beat his ass.

 

good luck

[imperfectangel]

I'm feeling a bit better. I didn't cry last night. But I can't sleep and I don't think that that is helping me. I need to sleep. I have no energy and can't get going. I don't check my phone as much (used to check every hour now it's morning and evening)

 

I can make it I just wish I didn't have to