Struggling with nc - missing mm so much it hurts [updated]

[MidnightBlue1980]

This makes so much sense to me imsosad.

 

I still think a lot of my OW and I really want her to have a great life, but I cannot allow myself to contact her. It would be a slap in the face to my W, and it would ultimately be damaging and confusing to the OW and myself. It seems so cold really, absolute NC, but it is a "cruel to be kind" approach, and is the right way to go.

 

Jenkins, do you still love OW?

[imperfectangel]

To anyone filling my story my mm broke NC today. I haven't heard from him since 27th January or there abouts. I have broken NC a few times but on Monday it'll be 3 weeks.

 

It wasn't what I expected. I thought it'd be a "I'm sorry blah blah blah" instead it was a dirty email (sextext ish) nothing I can really post here.

 

I'm so disappointed. since going NC I've really seen another side of him and he comes back proving he's just a bleep.

 

Sigh. I thought he was better than that.

[Forceawakensme]

honey this is a HUGE blessing (not even in disguise!) --- it saves us so much time when they show us blatantly who they are. My xMM continues to disappoint me with this 'dog in heat' approach.. (slightly more veiled this past time) but-- If we respond or go back in its basically saying 'yes i am that easy.. you click your fingers and im here waiting like a free prostitute ready to service your horniness.. -- No, thank you!

 

These men never get that we can get sex anywhere.. they arn't some big studs that can say sexy words and we're at their feet. Mine just thinks that will get me every time because hes *so* amazing in bed.. Pfft.

 

Lets both be glad our xMM showed us what they really have been after all this time and be grateful that they will never use our bodies again.

Edited April 6, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Satu]

You aren't doing NC.

 

If you were, he would have no means of contacting you.

 

NC means No Contact.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[imperfectangel]

I haven't made contact, he did. And I don't agree with blocking. No set of rules will suit everyone since we're all different

[Satu]

I haven't made contact, he did. And I don't agree with blocking. No set of rules will suit everyone since we're all different

 

Thats fine, but what you're doing isn't No Contact.

[Doublegold]

I'm sorry for how you feel IA. What a tool.

[imperfectangel]

Well it is because I'm not making contact, he is.

[privategal]

Im really laughing out loud at these comments, not to make light at ALL of any pain but yes...they really are all about their cough cough...you know, and its astounding like they expect to snap their fingers and say perform, its your turn, entertain me.

Like...whats our payoff.

I used to get off the phone or texting session literally KNOWING fully I was used. It gets olddd.

My husband is sexier when he says are yiy hungry? Can I bring you a beer?

Or I take a bath and he says do you need a towel or do you want me to pick your pajamas and he brings me sweats and a missed matched t-shirt ...now thats love, and thats sexy!

[imperfectangel]

I agree private gal. I've gone through hell these past two months, getting over him and then this. It completely sums him up but I guess what they say is true. They do come back

[privategal]

I agree private gal. I've gone through hell these past two months, getting over him and then this. It completely sums him up but I guess what they say is true. They do come back

I hear you girl, it was (and sometimes is) hell for me to, letting go and NC is a hard journey. Im really glad he didnt say something really sweet and kind to you as thats much harder. At least this one turned your stomach.

It makes me mad he disrupted your healing and seems to not get it at ALL.

He couldnt even lie here or try to be smooth, its hurtful and humorous too as he cant even know that you are saying wtf?! Your doing good though. Im am proud.

[imperfectangel]

Lol it did actually make me think wtf and tbh if he hadn't of included my name I would've thought it was meant for someone else!! It makes me sad in a way because I thought he was a truly amazing guy he found himself in a crap situation and he didn't know how to get out of it.

 

Smh I was so naive. And if I'd have blocked him I'd probably still be wondering if he'd reached out. This hasn't set me back; only confirmed what I now think of him

[whichwayisup]

I haven't made contact, he did. And I don't agree with blocking. No set of rules will suit everyone since we're all different

 

You didn't have to read the email. He broke contact but you could have just deleted. You broke NC by reading what he wrote and now he's in your head again, you're reacting which is what he wants. It's good you didn't reply. Were you tempted at all to blast him?

 

I get that you don't believe in blocking but your healing would be easier if you did. Is part of not blocking him because you want to know if he does try to reach out to you? Is some of this a tiny bit about ego? Just trying to get you see another angle of this and maybe you'll change your mind about totally blocking him and making it impossible for him to contact you.

[whichwayisup]

I agree private gal. I've gone through hell these past two months, getting over him and then this. It completely sums him up but I guess what they say is true. They do come back

 

But for the wrong reasons. Selfishness, ego feeds, fishing. That ain't genuine care nor it is love or respectful.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lol it did actually make me think wtf and tbh if he hadn't of included my name I would've thought it was meant for someone else!! It makes me sad in a way because I thought he was a truly amazing guy he found himself in a crap situation and he didn't know how to get out of it.

 

Smh I was so naive. And if I'd have blocked him I'd probably still be wondering if he'd reached out. This hasn't set me back; only confirmed what I now think of him

 

For myself, it was always about that - sex. Deep down I knew that but I fooled myself. Just like you said - I thought he was an amazing guy in a crap situation. And I agree with not blocking, I really can't anyway. In my situation, they had not had sex in 3 years and he told me a few weeks ago nothing had changed, so I half expect to receive what you received. His wife found oral disgusting so it had been 12 years.....so if I hear from him, I know its that. Now, maybe they rediscovered themselves and she discovered a love for d**k. lol. IDK. My husband did give her a lecture about not letting her husband walk around with a loaded gun. For whatever reason, its mutual.

 

Did the email make you feel better at all?

[imperfectangel]

It does make me feel better, not because he still wants me (for sex) but because during NC I started to see everything so clearly and saw him for what he really was. Not this amazing guy, "the one that got away", but a creepy perv.

 

I can't imagine not talking to someone for that long then to send a email like that.

 

I understand WWIU opinion on blocking but if I blocked him I'd go crazy wondering if he'd reached out. If I deleted without reading I'd go crazy wondering what it said. This way works for me that's all I can say.

[Adoraxx]

They really do all come back then (obviously for selfish reasons!!)

I'm glad that you got that email because it confirms that he is only after one thing and that's sex. I just can't believe how rude these men are and how stupid! Like I said in a different thread, my xMM tried to 'conceal' his intentions when I got mad about the blatant sex requests but it's still quite easy to see right through them, as long as you keep focusing on the actions

 

I hope you're ok, dear angel. I know how much it hurts when someone is only interested in your body and in what he can get from you

 

Sending you big hugs!!

Adoraxx

[imperfectangel]

It wasn't what I wanted (obviously - most of us want to hear they're leaving bs) but it's what I NEEDED. He will never change. It's all about him. Everything was on his terms and as soon as I developed needs and wants of my own I was discarded - something to be got rid of.

 

I've literally had days where I felt like I was dying and his email just shows he's had nothing of the sort. Just waited until things died down now he's wanting to reset. Never gonna happen

[Adoraxx]

It wasn't what I wanted (obviously - most of us want to hear they're leaving bs) but it's what I NEEDED. He will never change. It's all about him. Everything was on his terms and as soon as I developed needs and wants of my own I was discarded - something to be got rid of.

 

I've literally had days where I felt like I was dying and his email just shows he's had nothing of the sort. Just waited until things died down now he's wanting to reset. Never gonna happen

 

Exactly. Same here. All on his terms and as soon as you get too many expectations (even when the expectations are already scaled down to almost nothing), you get discarded :/

[Forceawakensme]

It does make me feel better, not because he still wants me (for sex) but because during NC I started to see everything so clearly and saw him for what he really was. Not this amazing guy, "the one that got away", but a creepy perv.

 

I can't imagine not talking to someone for that long then to send a email like that.

 

I understand WWIU opinion on blocking but if I blocked him I'd go crazy wondering if he'd reached out. If I deleted without reading I'd go crazy wondering what it said. This way works for me that's all I can say.

 

I am exactly the same with my approach to NC. IF i block my xMM i will start to imagine all the lovely, sincere apologies he is writing me, then i go nuts and want to express my love to him for all the apologies that he tried to write me while i callously blocked him ---- .. by not blocking him i can see him for who he truly is -- a 40 year old selfish, bored, horny man who likes to toy with a woman to get ego strokes and just because he can.. just because i let him. Any emails he sends are just nails in the emotional closure coffin because they are obviously written with one hand on his .d***.

 

I think the blocking completely has its place and huge merits in the right situation, i think it depends on the individual and their A... for instance, how charming their AP is with creeping back in.. Mine isn't charming, fortunately lol

Edited April 7, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[imperfectangel]

Lol mine neither! Maybe in the future I will but for now I don't need to. Tbh a few weeks ago I was at the point where I would've settled for "just sex" anything to be near him, but over time I've realised the person I miss doesn't exist. It was all fake to get me to do what he wanted

[Ruffian1]

His wife found oral disgusting so it had been 12 years.....

Well, probably because she knows he is a cheater and sticks it in OW.

Would make me not want to do it . . .

 

 

Seriously thought, is that all she is worth, she has no other redeeming qualities? that he focuses on that and justifies cheating. What a spoiled entitled creep.

[privategal]

It does make me feel better, not because he still wants me (for sex) but because during NC I started to see everything so clearly and saw him for what he really was. Not this amazing guy, "the one that got away", but a creepy perv.

 

I can't imagine not talking to someone for that long then to send a email like that.

 

I understand WWIU opinion on blocking but if I blocked him I'd go crazy wondering if he'd reached out. If I deleted without reading I'd go crazy wondering what it said. This way works for me that's all I can say.

A creepy perv yes. My xap had a sweet, wholesome beautiful wife.

Slowly for me...the pics and videos he was sending were getting darker...bdsm stuff I had never seen. I was being pulled darker one day he said "yes, I like kink" and it dawned on me...she gets the tender kisses and romantic lovemaking...he saw ME as a dark seductress...a dark fantasy he couldnt ever share with her. But in reality Im just a girl who loves hugs and holding hands and all the romance.

Its his wife he shouldve shared those deep fantasies with and she has NO idea this dark side. Its crazy!

[Ophelia25]

How much does the level of NC matter?

 

It seems to me that the really effective way to END it, completely and totally, is NC, in the strictest sense of the term. But it also seems that those who are able to do that honestly don't really have many issues. It's over. Boom. Yes, you have to struggle, and feel bad, and talk yourself through it, and so on. But if you say NC and mean it, well, there's nothing left, is there? You are no longer an OW or OM.

 

So, all this, "this is NC, this isn't, you are, you aren't" stuff seems futile. People keep saying they aren't the NC police, but then spend so much time reminding people that what they are doing isn't technically NC. People who are limiting contact, or minimizing contact, or trying to find ways that work for them that aren't NC, need help, too, don't they?

 

They all KNOW that complete and total NC is the most effective approach, but for one reason or another, they can't do that yet. And all the layers of not quite contact are probably harder on people than the determined ones who are able to just...end it and really do it right.

[imperfectangel]

I can only do it in the way that it works for me. I have tried and failed to do NC so many times and drove myself crazy with it. I've found it much more manageable this way. His email literally made me think "ew". I just don't respect him anymore. Even if he did leave his wife I don't think I'd want him