Struggling with nc - missing mm so much it hurts [updated]

[Forceawakensme]

How much does the level of NC matter?

 

It seems to me that the really effective way to END it, completely and totally, is NC, in the strictest sense of the term. But it also seems that those who are able to do that honestly don't really have many issues. It's over. Boom. Yes, you have to struggle, and feel bad, and talk yourself through it, and so on. But if you say NC and mean it, well, there's nothing left, is there? You are no longer an OW or OM.

 

So, all this, "this is NC, this isn't, you are, you aren't" stuff seems futile. People keep saying they aren't the NC police, but then spend so much time reminding people that what they are doing isn't technically NC. People who are limiting contact, or minimizing contact, or trying to find ways that work for them that aren't NC, need help, too, don't they?

 

They all KNOW that complete and total NC is the most effective approach, but for one reason or another, they can't do that yet. And all the layers of not quite contact are probably harder on people than the determined ones who are able to just...end it and really do it right.

 

This is it exactly. I *know* in a perfect world i'd block him and get over it -- but i only know based on historical data what has happened to me once i do that.. i freak out, panic and find a way to break it (which isn't hard) --- ive done this time and time again and now have a bit of ptsd about blocking him --- This time around is so much different.

 

What ive learned is that my xMM has always been a douche and never really been charming -- i just wanted him to be so much that i would fill in the blanks and project this amazing person on to him -- NOw that ive stopped doing that, i can see him in all his douchebaggery a mile off. I know soon i will be ready to do the complete cut off and not go back.. im getting closer and its feeling less frightening every day.

 

So far so good on LC..Every day the fog clears that little bit more, even if he doesn't write me and if he does, it only confirms what my brain is starting to accept. He is just a married dude who is bored and horny and wanting some action on the side. He doesn't love me.. he just doesn't want his free source of action to dry up..Its not like he has a ton of options. Women arn't lining up to have sex with a married middle aged dude with a receding hairline.

Edited April 7, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[privategal]

^^^^standing ovation...horny, receding hairline, out for HIMSELF. Keep walking sister! Proud!

[privategal]

Well...no offense to receding hairline...more the applause for knocking him off that pedestal when he thinks he is gods gift to you...as if HE is your only option and your just dying by your phone waiting for his shallow advances. No consideration for care, needs, just wanting to talk and find out your well being and if you are ok. He thinks...Im so horny...let me text her for my fix before I get to my REAL life, wife, and all the other things I give precedence to...I need MY satisfaction first...then I'll sideline her again til I need her and she will be at my beck and call! Ummmm...NOPE!

[Forceawakensme]

Oh totally no offense to receding hairlines!! Sex appeal to me has nothing to do with hairlines .. im just noticing all of xMM's imperfections superficial and otherwise..because he thinks hes god's gift to women and i should be jumping for joy to be his side piece.

[Adoraxx]

Oh totally no offense to receding hairlines!! Sex appeal to me has nothing to do with hairlines .. im just noticing all of xMM's imperfections superficial and otherwise..because he thinks hes god's gift to women and i should be jumping for joy to be his side piece.

 

hahahaha LOL Force, thanks for the laugh, I just read your posts . Here's another one who thinks I should be jumping for joy that he grants me the 'privilege' to be his side piece! No way!!

 

Its not like he has a ton of options. Women arn't lining up to have sex with a married middle aged dude with a receding hairline.

You know what I want to add to that , it has to do with a color haha

[Josmatjes]

How much does the level of NC matter?

 

It seems to me that the really effective way to END it, completely and totally, is NC, in the strictest sense of the term. But it also seems that those who are able to do that honestly don't really have many issues. It's over. Boom. Yes, you have to struggle, and feel bad, and talk yourself through it, and so on. But if you say NC and mean it, well, there's nothing left, is there? You are no longer an OW or OM.

 

So, all this, "this is NC, this isn't, you are, you aren't" stuff seems futile. People keep saying they aren't the NC police, but then spend so much time reminding people that what they are doing isn't technically NC. People who are limiting contact, or minimizing contact, or trying to find ways that work for them that aren't NC, need help, too, don't they?

 

They all KNOW that complete and total NC is the most effective approach, but for one reason or another, they can't do that yet. And all the layers of not quite contact are probably harder on people than the determined ones who are able to just...end it and really do it right.

 

I agree. I happen to think that no contact is different for different people. For me blocking only made me wonder if he was trying to contact me so I went no contact but didn't block I felt I had more control over my thoughts and feelings. Everytime I blocked I panicked and felt a lot of anxiety. So I think for some people they are able to block but some of us it doesn't work but either way it's still no contact if you ask me!

[daisy69]

honey this is a HUGE blessing (not even in disguise!) --- it saves us so much time when they show us blatantly who they are. My xMM continues to disappoint me with this 'dog in heat' approach.. (slightly more veiled this past time) but-- If we respond or go back in its basically saying 'yes i am that easy.. you click your fingers and im here waiting like a free prostitute ready to service your horniness.. -- No, thank you!

 

These men never get that we can get sex anywhere.. they arn't some big studs that can say sexy words and we're at their feet. Mine just thinks that will get me every time because hes *so* amazing in bed.. Pfft.

 

Lets both be glad our xMM showed us what they really have been after all this time and be grateful that they will never use our bodies again.

 

 

 

Ya know....I have thought about this. I truly believe the reason the sex in affairs is so fantastic is because of the womans role. think about it....we are passionate about them, we devour them. WE make it great because of our strong attraction. Because in comparison to other sex, its more like work for us, especially if we don't have that strong attraction. Just a thought..

[daisy69]

I agree. I happen to think that no contact is different for different people. For me blocking only made me wonder if he was trying to contact me so I went no contact but didn't block I felt I had more control over my thoughts and feelings. Everytime I blocked I panicked and felt a lot of anxiety. So I think for some people they are able to block but some of us it doesn't work but either way it's still no contact if you ask me!

 

 

 

No contact is something you do because it is best for you. Not because you can handle it. I'm going bananas but I caused this bs and it is for the best.

 

 

I would rather a few days of hell, compacted together than all those days of looking over my shoulder and waiting on a crumb. f*&k that!

[Ophelia25]

This is it exactly. I *know* in a perfect world i'd block him and get over it -- but i only know based on historical data what has happened to me once i do that.. i freak out, panic and find a way to break it (which isn't hard) --- ive done this time and time again and now have a bit of ptsd about blocking him --- This time around is so much different.

 

What ive learned is that my xMM has always been a douche and never really been charming -- i just wanted him to be so much that i would fill in the blanks and project this amazing person on to him -- NOw that ive stopped doing that, i can see him in all his douchebaggery a mile off. I know soon i will be ready to do the complete cut off and not go back.. im getting closer and its feeling less frightening every day.

 

So far so good on LC..Every day the fog clears that little bit more, even if he doesn't write me and if he does, it only confirms what my brain is starting to accept. He is just a married dude who is bored and horny and wanting some action on the side. He doesn't love me.. he just doesn't want his free source of action to dry up..Its not like he has a ton of options. Women arn't lining up to have sex with a married middle aged dude with a receding hairline.

 

Yes! I agree completely with this and feel the same way. It's a slow process for me, really, because there are so many feelings, and a lot of them genuine and long-lasting on my part. And maybe a few on his as well, but overall, everything he does concerning me anymore is just sex-related, often rude, and selfish. When he's lonely, and only then, he will text things like, "I just want to lay in bed with you and cuddle," but the majority of the time, it's not that way at all.

 

100% by the rules NC, at this point, makes me feel sick and desperate and worse. It makes my imagination go crazy, and my feelings change from the reality of him being a db to "Maybe I messed up, maybe he's missing me, I must love him if I feel this awful about it, etc., etc." until I'm a messy pile of jello. However, when I hear from him occasionally, I get these continual reminders what an ass he really is, and, it actually helps me see things more realistically.

 

Again, I see that NC is the best answer. But I also think that for some of us, forcing NC when we aren't really ready to do it can backfire. And I also think that it takes a tremendous amount of effort sometimes not to initiate contact, and to read a message and ignore it, and it's mean for those who hard core and successful at NC (through their own choice or not) to remind people how they are not following the rules (because they opened and e-mail or nodded in the street) when they are still making great strides toward facing reality.

 

Being on here and acknowledging the mistakes and the fog and the reality of what you've done and what they really are is also progress. Be proud! And keep in mind what a douchebag he is.

[imperfectangel]

He hasn't contacted me since so I'm assuming he unloaded his gun one way or another!! Sex is all he cares about whereas I thought he was "the one" I actually realise I had a lucky escape now and him being a db has helped me with my healing because it's really not that hard for me to find a man to send me dirty messages!

[Forceawakensme]

Ophelia -- Exactly! it IS a process.. and i think it reminds me of when ive gone on really strict diets all week long, only to wind up binging on the weekend.

 

I am taking it day at a time..by not being extreme i can calmly see everything clearly. If my imagination didn't dream up all these love letters he'd be trying to write me, i'd block him for sure -- but i know thats where my head goes. Right now, i get 'i love you's' and i miss you so much.. but sandwiched in between 'thinking about you that night when you wore this... miss being inside you" -- its not even subtle. Now, if he wrote me and said something like ' i remember tomorrow is going to be a difficult day for you because of xyz.' or remembered something i told him months ago, something unique to me then maybe i'd sit up and listen.. but hes far too selfish to have stored information about me in his mind to feel concern or even fake it... His mind is simply stored with 'she will do abc, if i tell her xyz'.

 

 

ImperfectAngel -- Haha Yes... see this is the thing. Some of these XMM are SO egocentric they shoot themselves in the foot. They think 'gee, if a picture or a dirty message is all i need.. im sure she'll be putty in my hands if i write and tell her what i want to do to her body" -- .. What they fail to realize is we can walk past a construction site and have someone yell something like that at us..or get in any chat group online and have a plethora of horny dudes message sleazy messages.. its different for women. We cant swing a cat without hitting a man who will sleep with us.

 

For me, i craved the emotional connection, the care, the deep desire rooted in genuine adoration and love even ..i imagined it all with xMM, i ignored the red flags and focussed on the 'i love yous'... Step by step im getting closer. This board is helping me enormously. I feel like i have a 24/7 12 step love addiction group to share with. The posters on this board are just brilliant. Im so grateful. <3

[imperfectangel]

Ugh. So MM Calle some from a new number and wanted to see me. We had a little chat and he said he wanted to talk. We were only on the phone for about 5 minutes. He's supposed to be coming to see me on Monday BUT tonight my friend sent me the pictures from his Fb (he's blocked on mine) and they're all pictures of his family.

 

I obviously wrongly assumed maybe they'd separated and that was why he was contacting me.

 

I think it's finally hit me that he really isn't going to leave. No matter what he says he is happy with his family.

 

But I'm kinda mad that he's making out to everyone that he's this amazing father/husband yet he's been seeing me all this time! I won't tell but seeing pics with his wife makes me feel so bad for her but then I see pics of his kids and just don't feel I could ever disclose

 

I feel messed up all over again.

[burnt]

That's all it takes. ONE phone call.

So, remind yourself that:

 

1. He called from a different number; why? Because if he had called from a known number, you wouldn't have taken the call. Knowing that, he willfully made the decision to call in a way that would FORCE you to take the call.

 

2. He knew what pain he would cause to YOU by calling you. He knew by hearing from him, it would undo every last second of work you had to put in ALONE to move on. He knew by hearing his voice again, you would suffer--again, all over again.

 

3. HE KNEW. you would suffer.

 

4. HE KNEW. you would be in pain.

 

5. HE KNEW. you would feel destroyed.

 

Yet he made the decision to call you.

 

And when he's done tormenting and torturing you secretly,

he goes back to the family whose "happy" photos are all over the FB for the world to view publicly.

 

 

Remember,

remember,

remember,

what pain he causes you STILL.

[Marc878]

You know why he's calling and what he wants.

 

The other thing you know is you are better than a plan B for when the urge hits him.

 

There is a life out there for you. Don't settle for his breadcrumbs.

 

Make your life what you want. There is no future with men like him.

 

There are better out there for you.

[whichwayisup]

Always let the machine get it if you don't recognize the number.

 

And, please, get your friend to stop showing pictures of exMM, his wife and family. You blocked him for a reason, the less you know about his life the better you'll be.

[ladydesigner]

Ugh. So MM Calle some from a new number and wanted to see me. We had a little chat and he said he wanted to talk. We were only on the phone for about 5 minutes. He's supposed to be coming to see me on Monday BUT tonight my friend sent me the pictures from his Fb (he's blocked on mine) and they're all pictures of his family.

 

I obviously wrongly assumed maybe they'd separated and that was why he was contacting me.

 

I think it's finally hit me that he really isn't going to leave. No matter what he says he is happy with his family.

 

But I'm kinda mad that he's making out to everyone that he's this amazing father/husband yet he's been seeing me all this time! I won't tell but seeing pics with his wife makes me feel so bad for her but then I see pics of his kids and just don't feel I could ever disclose

 

I feel messed up all over again.

 

My WH acts the same way! He thinks he is Father of the Year yet doesn't spend the time that he should with them. In fact my WH has missed out on them growing up as I have functioned basically like a single mother the whole time. You just can't get that time back. My WH always blabs on to others about how great of a person, husband and father he is, but none of them know what he's really done to us.

[Grapesofwrath]

That's all it takes. ONE phone call.

So, remind yourself that:

 

1. He called from a different number; why? Because if he had called from a known number, you wouldn't have taken the call. Knowing that, he willfully made the decision to call in a way that would FORCE you to take the call.

 

2. He knew what pain he would cause to YOU by calling you. He knew by hearing from him, it would undo every last second of work you had to put in ALONE to move on. He knew by hearing his voice again, you would suffer--again, all over again.

 

3. HE KNEW. you would suffer.

 

4. HE KNEW. you would be in pain.

 

5. HE KNEW. you would feel destroyed.

 

Yet he made the decision to call you.

 

And when he's done tormenting and torturing you secretly,

he goes back to the family whose "happy" photos are all over the FB for the world to view publicly.

 

 

Remember,

remember,

remember,

what pain he causes you STILL.

 

Nailed it again, Burnt. He is trying to maintain the connection because it works for HIM. No regard for the pain and confusion he is causing you by keeping this thing going. More selfishness.

 

I received a couple calls yesterday from an "unknown" number. Didn't answer. No voice mail left, but they came on one of the days that xMM is alone in the city. Maybe they were just weird anonymous calls, but my gut says that was xMM trying to get me on the phone. He knows his number/email/texts are blocked. He tries calling from the work number and I let it go to vm. So he's going to try something sneaky because he is a selfish weakling who thinks only of himself.

[dreamingoftigers]

My WH acts the same way! He thinks he is Father of the Year yet doesn't spend the time that he should with them. In fact my WH has missed out on them growing up as I have functioned basically like a single mother the whole time. You just can't get that time back. My WH always blabs on to others about how great of a person, husband and father he is, but none of them know what he's really done to us.

 

My father is the same way.

 

He's decent as a grandfather, but father.....yikes. He was just awful and abusive.

 

Of course he thinks he's Dad of the Year.

[dreamingoftigers]

Always let the machine get it if you don't recognize the number.

 

And, please, get your friend to stop showing pictures of exMM, his wife and family. You blocked him for a reason, the less you know about his life the better you'll be.

 

I this case I'm glad your friend showed them to you though. Wake up call.

[imperfectangel]

I was asleep when he called so didn't think when my phone rang. Had it been during the day I wouldn't of answered. I think my friend sent me those pictures to keep me in reality so that my head doesn't stay in the clouds again.

 

I see him for what he is now but I'm still mourning the person that I thought he was - the person I was in love with doesn't exist and probably never did.