I'm not my boyfriend's "type"

[boop]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and we're planning on getting domestic partnershipped soon. He has been very honest with me about his past, perhaps a bit too honest. He told me he had cheated on all his exes, but explained that he was severely depressed at the time and was using sex as a form of escape. Obviously this has stuck in my head and made me a bit more wary of his behavior than I might normally be although he has said he is completely reformed now. He is no longer depressed, and is the happiest he's ever been, and says he wants to be able to respect himself and his behavior now.

 

When we met he had just gotten out of a relationship 6 months prior with a much older woman. He was 21 and she was 45. He is french, she was canadian and they had married for papers as he wanted to continue living in Canada. He cheated on her constantly and told me they had very little in common- they barely spoke the same language. His previous exes were also blondes. He definitely had a type.

 

Right now things in our relationship are very good and stable, although I have maintained a low level of paranoia about him cheating which I try to manage in order to not damage the relationship. There have been several times where I have caught him having semi flirtatious messages with girls on fb or whatsapp and I've confronted him about it. He finally erased his fb account to make me feel more secure although I didn't pressure him to do so. We are together nearly all the time and keep very regular schedules so there really wouldn't be time for him to cheat on me.

 

My problem is that I am physically not my boyfriend's type. He has been honest with me about this from the beginning. I consider myself fairly attractive by common standards and I work in an industry where beauty is part of my daily life. My boyfriend however, is attracted to women who look like his ex- that is to say, middle aged blondes with hard features and thinning hair. Physically this is the complete opposite of me- I am brunette with thick hair and exotic-ish soft features. He tells me I am beautiful, but his porn viewing history is a series of older blondes who look like his ex and the women who he points out as being pretty look somewhat similar. Obviously this makes me feel insecure. I'm just not sure how much this is something I should be worried about. Any thoughts?

Edited February 2, 2016 by boop

[d0nnivain]

It would undermine my self confidence to have a BF who preferred what I wasn't but looks are superficial. If he likes you as a person, can you take solace in that?

 

 

I know I have a type. My husband is exactly my type. If you lined up every guy I ever dated, I'd say 75% of them look like the could be related. That doesn't mean I didn't care for the ones who didn't look like that.

[smackie9]

Me personally would never date someone with that kind of history. I couldn't imagine being in a constant state of paranoia wondering when it was going to happen.

 

For the long haul, there will be some rough patches....so how will he handle problems then? Like an adult or escape with some old french whore to pacify his troubles?

[Qboro90]

It's a little backwards the way you see this in my opinion... You say you're a young attractive brunette and your career confirms that it's not a stretch to believe you are attractive... Yet you're insecure/threatened by the women who overwhelmingly usually view YOU as the threat and YOU as the desired girl looks wise.

 

Middle aged women fearing their partner is attracted to, or will leave them for a younger, slimmer, more attractive girl.

Yet you are feeling the opposite. I think you should have more self awareness and outwardly express that to your boyfriend when he points out these older women because I think that has a chance and might embarrass him by opening his eyes to what he has in you, and that while his eyes might be on the 48yo blonde .... Maybe he needs to realize that every other guy in the room has their eyes on you.

 

"Yea, she's pretty I guess...if you're into that weathered, loose, post menopausal look... Absolutely babe" in a teasing way.

 

I also want to point out that you might be looking at his cheating behavior in his last relationship too deeply.

You said that the only reason he was with her was in order to obtain legal status and maintain his ability to stay in the country and get a green card. For this reason you should know that he had no romantic or emotional attachment to her at all and was just using her for a legal loophole.

 

That being said I realize he has a long history of cheating on his partners. Don't forget that. But make sure you don't allow him to believe you trust him 100% when he says "that part of me is in the past" either.

 

Tell him when he points out other women, or talks to them on Facebook.. That he's not exactly reassuring you about his long term ability to stay faithful and not stray. Tell him you're not accusing him of doing anything, but you're not going to just hang around and blindly trust him when warning signs of his past transgressions flaring up again, are occurring more often.

If he had never cheated on Anyone before then you wouldn't have to keep this in mind. But he has, so it's pertinent.

 

Just like if you were hanging out with a bank robber who served time and is telling you he learned his lesson and will never rob a bank again. But he's been pointing out how little security there is at banks you pass by and remarking how easy it would be to rob it. Duh

[Space Ritual]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and we're planning on getting domestic partnershipped soon. He has been very honest with me about his past, perhaps a bit too honest. He told me he had cheated on all his exes, but explained that he was severely depressed at the time and was using sex as a form of escape. Obviously this has stuck in my head and made me a bit more wary of his behavior than I might normally be although he has said he is completely reformed now. He is no longer depressed, and is the happiest he's ever been, and says he wants to be able to respect himself and his behavior now.

 

When we met he had just gotten out of a relationship 6 months prior with a much older woman. He was 21 and she was 45. He is french, she was canadian and they had married for papers as he wanted to continue living in Canada. He cheated on her constantly and told me they had very little in common- they barely spoke the same language. His previous exes were also blondes. He definitely had a type.

 

Right now things in our relationship are very good and stable, although I have maintained a low level of paranoia about him cheating which I try to manage in order to not damage the relationship. There have been several times where I have caught him having semi flirtatious messages with girls on fb or whatsapp and I've confronted him about it. He finally erased his fb account to make me feel more secure although I didn't pressure him to do so. We are together nearly all the time and keep very regular schedules so there really wouldn't be time for him to cheat on me.

 

My problem is that I am physically not my boyfriend's type. He has been honest with me about this from the beginning. I consider myself fairly attractive by common standards and I work in an industry where beauty is part of my daily life. My boyfriend however, is attracted to women who look like his ex- that is to say, middle aged blondes with hard features and thinning hair. Physically this is the complete opposite of me- I am brunette with thick hair and exotic-ish soft features. He tells me I am beautiful, but his porn viewing history is a series of older blondes who look like his ex and the women who he points out as being pretty look somewhat similar. Obviously this makes me feel insecure. I'm just not sure how much this is something I should be worried about. Any thoughts?

 

He has cheated on virtually everyone he has been with.

 

You already caught him using an app with other girls.

 

He married someone 24 years his senior in order to stay in country.

 

He tells you he is reformed.

 

 

There are 4 reasons right there that if you are seeking some sort of civil union with this guy that you would be wise not to.

 

I'm sorry but it does not matter what type of girl he finds attractive, if they have a heartbeat and pay him any sort of attention he will find them attractive.

You asked for our thoughts? Here is one. Start thinking more of yourself than this. You deserve to be treated with respect. All past behaviors indicate that this guy will not do so. Your eyes are wide open, so continue this relationship at your own peril.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry OP, far too many red flags for me. I would have hit the road the moment I found out he had a track record of cheating on all his relationships.

[joseb]

Why are you seeking a civil union?

 

He sounds like an idiot, sorry.

 

There are 100s of guys out there who will appreciate you, why hobble yourself with him?