I need hope

[Anna2000]

Hello.

 

We’ve been seeing each other for five months. He had recently ended a long relationship (10 years) and told me the divorce isn't over yet.

He was the one who ended his relationship and said he doesn’t want to go back to it. He said he has some problems with his wife but wasn’t specific. He told me it was hell living with her.

 

On our first date he told me he liked me a lot since the day we met and he wanted to know me better. Few dates later, he told me he’s not ready for a new serious relationship. For all this time I was the one calling him and asking him out, he almost never did it. We’ve been seeing each other once or twice a month. I was never calling him too much, I always waited for two weeks and then called.

 

I know that he told me what he wants and what he doesn’t want and it would be better for me not to expect anything.

I remember that after a few dates he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I asked if that was all he wanted and told him I don’t want just sex. His answer was “Sex is a good way to start and then we’ll think about the rest”. And that made me think that things will develop after time.

 

He was always good to me when we were together – we held hands when we were outside, I met his friends, he always held me tight while we sleep, he bought me nice gift for my birthday. He told me few times he really feels good with me. He invited me to a vacation.

He said that it wasn’t just sex for him, but also it wasn’t anything serious.

I guess it wasn’t just sex and that’s what confused me and made me hope for more. I thought that since he wants to go on a vacation with me and to spend more time with me, maybe he would like to try for a more deep releationship. (I think that this kind of behaviour confused me – he said he didn’t want anything serious, but always was so nice and caring, I just thought of that as mixed signals). That’s when I told him I had feelings for him. He once again explained he's not ready for a new realationship right now. And he said he’s afraid that I might fall in love and he doesn’t want to hurt me.

 

After that we continued to go out. But it was all the same so I wrote him a letter asking if he had any feelings for me and if he thinks that maybe in the future we could have a serious relationship. We met to talk about this, he told me that right now he’s not able to have feelings for any woman. He said it’s better for us to stop seeing each other because it’s bad for me. I remember that when we talked I cried and was asking him to invite me over and said I didn’t want it to end because it would be worse for me this way. According to him, I would feel bad after every date. He said he knew I was suffering. He said to me that it was his fault and he should have thought earlier that I might fall in love. But I don’t want to blame him for anything. I appreciate that he took the time to explain to me how things were. I told him I was ok and would like to keep going this way and before I went home I said something like “see you in a few weeks”.

 

So for the next two months I’ve been calling him many times. Sometimes he called back and we had nice conversations, other times he didn’t answer my calls and that’s when i kept calling and sending text messages for days in a row until he answered. I sent him messages on Facebook too asking him why he’s doing this. Once he even called and said we could see each other soon, but that never happened. He was always nice on the phone. Other times he called and said he’ll call the next day again and he never did.

 

Finally, I wrote him another message saying that probably the time we spent together doesn’t mean anything to him and that he doesn’t even have a little respect for me just to answer my phone calls and that it really hurts. He didn’t even read it. Again, five days later I sent him a text asking him if he wants to meet. He called and said he doesn’t want us to see each other anymore because our relationship is pointless and a torture for me and for him because we were going nowhere. I asked him if he could invite me over so we could just have sex, and I asked him this a few times and everytime he said no. I know I really sounded desperate. Then he said we could meet to talk if a phone conversation wasn’t enough for me.

 

We met last Friday. I told him how happy I was with him, how I loved sleeping next to him, that I understand that he’s not ready for a relationship and that I’m accepting his decision not to see each other anymore, even if it’s hard for me and I don’t want to do it.

He said our relationship was always strange. It couldn’t have developed any other way. He said we couldn’t have any more dates anymore, but we could meet at the bar we go to with a company.

 

He told me he shouln’t have acted this way – to tell me he feels good with me and act distanced at the same time. Buт he said he has always told me how he really feels when he’s with me..

 

When I told him he must solve the problems he has, he said that he’s been trying for a long time and lately he’s been seeing his wife, he didn’t even know what they were trying to do, maybe not to divorce. But I was too afraid to ask him if he wants to get back together with

her.

This was actually their second separation. If there were problems that led to their separations, doesn’t this mean that it might happen again?

 

I told him that I’ll be glad if he calls just to see how I’m doing or to go out the two of us. He said he’ll call.

 

After this meeting I will try not to contact him for a long time.

So this way I’m giving him space and I’m showing him that I respect his decision.

I deactivated my Facebook account (I prefer to do that than deleting him from my friends list) so I won’t look at his profile and won’t see him tagged in photos. I’ve seen him tagged in photos from bars with some girls, which doesn’t necessarily means that he is also sleeping with them. I guess he just wants to have fun.

 

We go to the same bar, that’s where we met. He goes there almost every Saturday, so I won’t go there for a while.

 

I will try to make changes in my life – keep up with university, because I’ve been skipping lectures lately, get good grades, get a driver’s licence, start excercising, will colour my hair red because I’ve been wanting this for a long time.

 

And maybe then I’ll go to that bar because I know that the possibility to meet him there is big. But I’ll do it only after I made a positive change in my life. And I’ll see how it goes when I meet him. I guess what matters is how I act and talk when I see him. But I’ll think about this later.

I guess if anything happens we’ll start from the beginning. Maybe that is what I have to aim for – to be the girl from the beginning of our relationship, the one that attracted him and not to be the clingy, desperate chaser I turned into.

 

But this is just a plan... I can't promise even to myself that I'll be able to do it.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel devastated. I wish I knew there is some chance. Can you give me some hope, advice? Should I do this plan to do something positive in my life, to give him some space and then to try to contact him?

 

Thank you for reading this.

[PegNosePete]

He has repeatedly and plainly told you, that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Why are you having so much difficulty believing him??

 

He even told you that your feelings are going to get hurt and so it's better to stop seeing each other! He seems honest and thoughtful but unfortunately is simply not interested in a relationship with you.

 

So now you've been bombarding him with messages and harassing him, even after he told you plainly and clearly what his feelings are. What are you hopign to achieve by this? Do you really think that smothering him will get him to change his mind? I can tell you right now, it won't.

 

He didn't do anything wrong. He told you quite honestly what the situation was right from the start. He even broke things off out of respect for your feelings, since he could not reciprocate them. But now you've turned into the psycho stalker ex! You're getting angry and blaming him for your feelings.

 

You need to LET HIM GO. He has told you quite clearly and plainly that he is not interested in a relationship with you. You need to start believing him...

[Anna2000]

Yes, I know what he told me. He said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone. It took me time to understand and accept it and like I said I told him this on our last meeting.

And i know that I called and texted a lot, it was a mistake, I didn't act right and I won't do it anymore.

 

I just still have a hope...

 

P.S. And no, please don't get me wrong. I don't blame him for anything.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Anna2000

[ExpatInItaly]

I cringed reading this.

 

Girl. He told you many times he didn't want to be with you. And you became a Stage-5 Clinger. Not good. He answered you because you wouldn't leave him alone.

 

Make positive changes for yourself and work on your self-respect. Foget about him. He's not interested and it's only going to hurt you to see and hear that repeated. I felt awkward just reading how relentless you were even after he tried to tell you to leave him alone.

 

Let him go.

[Toodaloo]

Oh Anna...

 

You fell for a dream not the man.

 

Time to get your head out of the clouds.

 

He only wanted you for sex. He kept saying that and you kept dressing it up hoping to change him.

 

Newsflash. People do not change.

 

You were also the rebound. A bit of fun before he settles down. There is no hope for what you want with this man. Stop wasting your time energy and emotion on him. Move on.

 

Please stop doing this to yourself. You are causing your own pain and drama.

[d0nnivain]

There is a great likelihood that you will get over him, heal & go on to love again IF you stop obsessing over him.

 

 

He is done with you & the relationship. Every time you call or write to him you actually drive him farther away because you come across as crazed & unstable. Stop.

 

 

Instead focus on you. Stick to your plan: attend your lectures, color your hair, work out. Do things that bring you joy but block him from everything in your life.

 

 

That is where your hope is: future happiness without him. Now get to it!

[Anna2000]

Thank you for your answers. They made me cry a lot but that's just what I've been doing for over a week - just crying. Now I feel worse and don't feel like doing my plan is worth it. I don't feel like keep going. I just really wish I could be with him in the future.

[d0nnivain]

You are sad. You are grieving. You lost something important to you. But you WILL get over it.

 

 

It's OK to cry in the short term but this can't go on much longer.

 

 

You have to force yourself to move . . . at least pull yourself together enough to get to class.

[Anna2000]

Toodaloo, why are you saying he wanted me just for sex? Even he told me it wasn't just sex and we've done many other things when we were together. He showed me that he cared about me sometimes. I remembered that when I was ill he called me a few times to see how I'm doing. And one time he called and said he just wanted to hear me. That was before I told him about my feelings...

 

I just need reassurance, hope that I still have a chance. That's all.

If i stop calling him won't he wonder why I suddenly stopped calling him? Also he'll have time to forget about the awful things I did - begging, crying, calling too often... And maybe if we meet he'll see me in a different way and maybe will want me again. I guess there is something in me that he saw and liked, so there must be some hope.

[d0nnivain]

I just need reassurance, hope that I still have a chance. That's all.

If i stop calling him won't he wonder why I suddenly stopped calling him? Also he'll have time to forget about the awful things I did - begging, crying, calling too often... And maybe if we meet he'll see me in a different way and maybe will want me again. I guess there is something in me that he saw and liked, so there must be some hope.

 

 

You are living in denial & refusing to see the reality of this situation. Your relationship is over & you two will never reconcile. Time won't make him forget the things you did. Your absence will make him sigh in relief.

 

 

I'm sorry to be so harsh but until you accept the above you are going to be stuck in the miserable place where you are now -- longing for something that will never be.

 

 

You need to accept that he's not coming back. You won't meet up in the future.

 

 

Now is the time to heal. Lick your wounds then focus on improving your life without him in it.

 

 

Step 1 get out of bed

 

 

Step 2 take a shower & get dressed

 

 

Step 3 go to class.

 

Do that every day this week & then figure out what step 4 looks like. It's probably dye your hair or go to the gym

[PegNosePete]

Toodaloo, why are you saying he wanted me just for sex?

Because this:

His answer was “Sex is a good way to start and then we’ll think about the rest”

... is a total player line.

 

He never once told you that your "relationship" was any more than sex and friendship. Yet you wanted more. And he detected that you were going to get hurt, so he bailed on you, because he did not want more than that. And you turned into a crazy stalker.

 

Sorry to say, you've totally blown any tiny chance that you had of ever getting a relationship with him.

 

If i stop calling him won't he wonder why I suddenly stopped calling him?

No, he will sigh in relief that he's being left in peace.

 

Also he'll have time to forget about the awful things I did - begging, crying, calling too often...

No, he will not forget. The human memory does not work that way. This is what he will remember most. That you turned into a crazy psycho stalker and he could not get rid of you even though he tried his best to let you down gently before you got hurt.

 

there must be some hope.

No, sorry to say, there is not. There may have been hope when he broke up with you if you had gone total NC instead of turning crazy. But tat hope has now evaporated.

[Anna2000]

"Your relationship is over & you two will never reconcile. Time won't make him forget the things you did. Your absence will make him sigh in relief."

 

How can you be so sure about this? No one can say this with certainty.

I know I'll see him again because like I said we go to the same bar. That's where we met and I kept meeting him there until we started our relationship.

 

As I said, i need hope. And advice what to do to try to be with him in the future. There are so many websites with advices how to get back with your ex. Why would it be impossible for me and why are you just telling me to move on without him when that's exactly what I don't want to do.

 

And the last time we saw each other, he said he'll call.

[Blanco]

He's not even divorced yet. Even if the relationship had gone to pot a long time ago, most people need some time away from serious relationships after a divorce. The ones that jump right into something serious before the divorce is even finalized are usually doing it out of fear of being alone.

 

You say you need hope, but hope is not the same thing as delusion. He's been straight forward with you and, unfortunately, you've chosen the dangerous path of thinking you can change how he feels.

[d0nnivain]

You want us to lie to you the way you are lying to yourself. We all see this for what it is. Him playing you & you being hurt. You are desperate to think things will be the way you want . . .him loving you & being the great guy you want. That is not who he is.

 

 

I wish there was an easy way for you to be whole & happy again but there isn't. You have to go through the grieving process. Then you will be able to move forward.

[Brando]

"Your relationship is over & you two will never reconcile. Time won't make him forget the things you did. Your absence will make him sigh in relief."

 

How can you be so sure about this? No one can say this with certainty.

I know I'll see him again because like I said we go to the same bar. That's where we met and I kept meeting him there until we started our relationship.

 

As I said, i need hope. And advice what to do to try to be with him in the future. There are so many websites with advices how to get back with your ex. Why would it be impossible for me and why are you just telling me to move on without him when that's exactly what I don't want to do.

 

And the last time we saw each other, he said he'll call.

 

Oh dear. I know your pain, but why don't you heal yourself and go NC. I mean right now you are not thinking with a rational brain....you are running off loss aversion and heart broken emotions!! You need to take a step back, whether you want to move on or if you hope to make things work down the line. He isn't lying to you when he says he doesn't want a relationship with you. It's not some kind of joke he's playing on you.

 

I feel awful because I know your pain, but you need to chill out and do some NC so you can use your logic. Please, the "Get your ex back" schemes online are really not going to work. They might give you your best odds in playing it cool and holding some dignity and playing off the possibility your ex broke up with you and might changed their mind, but they are mostly just preying on the desperate heartbroken people such as yourself. Really think about this.....if there was a clear way to get your ex back.....would we all be sitting here typing away about NC and how to heal.

 

Please, let the hope go....heal and revisit your feelings after your emotions are not running rampant...then after some time (probably months) reach out and try to set something up casually (with no expectations), but maybe by then....you won't want to.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Brando

[PegNosePete]

Him playing you

Naw, he didn't play her. He told her exactly what he was after right from the start. He never lied or misled her. When he detected that she was catching feelings, he could easily have strung her along to keep getting the sex, but no, he broke it off to save her feelings. To me, the guy has been nothing but up-front, honest and decent all along.

 

Sorry OP. There is no hope here. You have driven away any small hope there might have been, with your clingy behaviour. Now you can read all the books and online articles you like about how to get your ex back but they will not do you any good. Sorry, it's over.

[Anna2000]

It can't be over. I know I must have a chance.

[Brando]

It can't be over. I know I must have a chance.

 

With this mentality you are in for a looooonnng ride my dear....I feel for you...

[d0nnivain]

It can't be over. I know I must have a chance.

 

 

He's MARRIED & is going back to his wife. He told you he didn't want anything serious even when he slept with you & took you on vacation. You know he's trying to date his wife & reconcile with her.

 

 

Where in there do you think there's a chance for you?

[Toodaloo]

It can't be over. I know I must have a chance.

 

Anna you don't have a chance with this guy.

 

If you quit the stalking/ obsessing and start looking after yourself and accepting its over you do have a chance of meeting someone else.

 

The only chance you have with this guy is being given a restraining order.

 

Time to put your big girl pants on now.

 

Carry on like this and you will just turn yourself in to some drippy waste of space.

 

Where is your gumption girl?

[Zahara]

It can't be over. I know I must have a chance.

 

Anna, you need to listen to what everyone is telling you. I'm sorry to be harsh but you've established yourself as desperate and that impression is a turn off. And there is no redeeming yourself from it.

 

This guy was after sex. As soon as he realized you were catching feelings and expecting more, he had to place a boundary and end it. That's all it is.

 

If you're going to work on yourself, work on yourself for YOU. Don't work on yourself because you're hoping to hit the reset button.

[DarkHorizon]

In this particular story, if you want real help, we can't give you hope.

You can't have both.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, nobody here is going to give you false hope.

 

This man is still another woman's husband, on top of everything else.

 

Don't embarrass yourself any further by disrespecting the boundary he put in place.

[ChickiePops]

It can't be over. I know I must have a chance.

 

Can you clarify why you think you have a chance? Maybe if people here understood your mentality, we might be able to better figure out how to help you.

 

I am so sorry for your pain..I've definitely been there..but I agree with everyone else. I don't believe you have a chance..I don't think he's coming back. Not in the way you want him to.

[renny]

"Your relationship is over & you two will never reconcile. Time won't make him forget the things you did. Your absence will make him sigh in relief."

 

How can you be so sure about this? No one can say this with certainty.

I know I'll see him again because like I said we go to the same bar. That's where we met and I kept meeting him there until we started our relationship.

 

As I said, i need hope. And advice what to do to try to be with him in the future. There are so many websites with advices how to get back with your ex. Why would it be impossible for me and why are you just telling me to move on without him when that's exactly what I don't want to do.

 

And the last time we saw each other, he said he'll call.

 

Anna, I really feel for you.

 

Your story is a prime example of why breakups are so brutal and heartbreaking to the person being left behind. I would love to tell you to let go and move on, but trust me, I understand that it's much easier said than done. You are still completely emotionally attached to this guy, and no amount of advising you otherwise is going to help here. In your case, only time is going to heal this, so here's my advice. Follow your heart, and stop reading all "advice" websites. Also, I doubt very seriously if NC is going to work for you. You'll never stick to it.

 

If you feel compelled to continue to contact him, do it. Just try not to be a pest. If sending emails, and leaving him messages is what you need to do to help you cope, do it. I know this is a complete 360 from what most people will advise, but my reason is this. Your ex is moving on. He said that he didn't want the relationship anymore. Problem is, he seems to be leaving the door open a crack, telling you he'll call, etc. In your particular case, only time, reality, and a slow erosion of your heart is going to force you to move on, because as of now, you harbor too much hope for it to be any other way. Now i'm not saying all hope is lost, because people do change their minds. But for now, at least try to limit the contact as much as you can, give him as much space as you can. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Not saying this will work, and he may never come back, but you have a much better chance than if you hound him constantly.

 

I wish the best for you, and I hope you get over this pain sooner than later.

Edited February 3, 2016 by renny