I need hope

[RRM321]

I think you have allowed yourself to be used by this man. Don't get me wrong, your description of him creeps me out but, you've had every indication that this guy is not sincere and not interested in anything other than a playmate. My list of reason's to leave him is short:

 

1. He's not available.

 

There are orange barrels everywhere, flashing lights, and road signs that say: BRIDGE OUT and you still want to drive down this road? You can do better. Every ounce of fuel you expend on this crash scene would be better spent on a more genuine and sincere road trip with someone else.

 

You want to blame yourself, OK we can work with that - if it's your fault than why not also be the one to correct this problem? Stop pursuing him, stop waiting for him, and stop hoping for him. Stop offering yourself up for sexual sacrifice. You are not a martyr - you can do better, you deserve better, and you are the one responsible to take that action.

 

Let go.

Edited February 22, 2016 by RRM321

[Toodaloo]

I didn't took the napkin with the idea to be reminded about it, I just collect napkins from different resaurants (not just plain white napkings, but with logos, then name of the restaurant) and when we went there I couldn't remember if I already have a napkin from there. That's why I took it. But when I went home I saw I have a napkin from that restaurant. I just didn't throw out this napkin...

 

You also need to stop making excuses.

 

Throw away the random crap you have collected into a shrine on that shelf and go buy yourself some books on attachment disorder or something...

 

Anna you seriously need to get a grip.

 

This is really unhealthy behaviour ad has sod all to do with love.

[Anna2000]

I think you have allowed yourself to be used by this man. Don't get me wrong, your description of him creeps me out but, you've had every indication that this guy is not sincere and not interested in anything other than a playmate.

 

I don't know, maybe me being inexpirienced with relationships was the reason not to notice all these signs.

 

Stop pursuing him, stop waiting for him, and stop hoping for him. Stop offering yourself up for sexual sacrifice. You are not a martyr - you can do better, you deserve better, and you are the one responsible to take that action.

 

Let go.

 

It sounds easy, but it's the hardest thing I have to do.

 

Today is even a worse day for me. The semester started today and I woke up early planning to go to lectures but I didn't go. I don't know if I'll go tomorrow.

Going through the whole week feels like torture for me.

Later today I'll have to get dressed and go to work. I don't have a choice.

I couldn't do my work out today. I'm feeling very weak and not just emotionally but physically too.

I have a bad headache all day. I don't feel good at all. I don't even feel normal. Like all I do or did is so wrong and I don't do it like other people would do.

I don't even feel beautiful because lately I haven't been taking care of my appearance and it's like it doesn't matter at all. I wear the same clothes to work everyday and don't even care.

I'm afraid I'll contact him soon.

[Toodaloo]

I don't know, maybe me being inexpirienced with relationships was the reason not to notice all these signs.

 

It sounds easy, but it's the hardest thing I have to do.

 

Today is even a worse day for me. The semester started today and I woke up early planning to go to lectures but I didn't go. I don't know if I'll go tomorrow.

Going through the whole week feels like torture for me.

Later today I'll have to get dressed and go to work. I don't have a choice.

I couldn't do my work out today. I'm feeling very weak and not just emotionally but physically too.

I have a bad headache all day. I don't feel good at all. I don't even feel normal. Like all I do or did is so wrong and I don't do it like other people would do.

I don't even feel beautiful because lately I haven't been taking care of my appearance and it's like it doesn't matter at all. I wear the same clothes to work everyday and don't even care.

I'm afraid I'll contact him soon.

 

Anna - this is the hardest thing you have had to do? You are bleating on because this is so hard?

 

Time to wake up and smell the roses dear. Life is hard. You are lucky that all you have to deal with is being obsessed with some bloke. You are not some child that has been sent through the mail to human trafficers for the slave trade, you are not having to get up and take care of your disabled parents before trying to go to school. You are not in some ghetto or poverty.

 

Get your bloody head screwed on and grow up.

 

Oh poor little you having to go to school and to work. There are kids out there younger than you not having an education, no access to fresh water and you can't be bothered to get out of bed because you keep looking at a napkin? Poor you for inflicting this all on yourself.

 

Really Anna you need to start getting your head straight, count your blessings and get some flipping therapy.

[Itspointless]

I don't know, maybe me being inexpirienced with relationships was the reason not to notice all these signs.

 

 

 

It sounds easy, but it's the hardest thing I have to do.

 

Today is even a worse day for me. The semester started today and I woke up early planning to go to lectures but I didn't go. I don't know if I'll go tomorrow.

Going through the whole week feels like torture for me.

Later today I'll have to get dressed and go to work. I don't have a choice.

I couldn't do my work out today. I'm feeling very weak and not just emotionally but physically too.

I have a bad headache all day. I don't feel good at all. I don't even feel normal. Like all I do or did is so wrong and I don't do it like other people would do.

I don't even feel beautiful because lately I haven't been taking care of my appearance and it's like it doesn't matter at all. I wear the same clothes to work everyday and don't even care.

I'm afraid I'll contact him soon.

I repeat once, read about anxious attachment. Its not an disorder, although people might criticize you for it like having one. Self-knowledge is worth gold in our world. It gives us the opportunity to work on ourselves. I agree with the therapy remark by Toodaloo.

[Anna2000]

Anna - this is the hardest thing you have had to do? You are bleating on because this is so hard?

 

Time to wake up and smell the roses dear. Life is hard. You are lucky that all you have to deal with is being obsessed with some bloke. You are not some child that has been sent through the mail to human trafficers for the slave trade, you are not having to get up and take care of your disabled parents before trying to go to school. You are not in some ghetto or poverty.

 

Get your bloody head screwed on and grow up.

 

Oh poor little you having to go to school and to work. There are kids out there younger than you not having an education, no access to fresh water and you can't be bothered to get out of bed because you keep looking at a napkin? Poor you for inflicting this all on yourself.

 

Really Anna you need to start getting your head straight, count your blessings and get some flipping therapy.

 

Please don't make comparisons trying to prove me that there is worse than my situation and trying to make me feel guity about suffering for him. It doesn't help. People are different. Everyone has problems and everyone feel about their problems in different ways. Some people are strong enough do deal with everything and some people are not and it's harder for them to deal with things that for others seem stupid.

I have lost my father two years ago, it was my first loss, it was hard, it was shocking and somehow I lived through it. But now for some reason what I'm dealing with is harder for me. Please don't belittle my struggle with this.

[RRM321]

It sounds easy, but it's the hardest thing I have to do.

 

I don't believe that. School is hard, work is hard, life is hard.

 

What's hard is reclaiming our own dreams and our own story once we've attached them to someone else. He's just a character, not the whole story. Scene over. This is not an ending, it's just another beginning. This is about you - so get back to writing the script. Your life is a story about you, so move on to the next scene, even if it sounds tragic.

[Toodaloo]

Please don't make comparisons trying to prove me that there is worse than my situation and trying to make me feel guity about suffering for him. It doesn't help. People are different. Everyone has problems and everyone feel about their problems in different ways. Some people are strong enough do deal with everything and some people are not and it's harder for them to deal with things that for others seem stupid.

I have lost my father two years ago, it was my first loss, it was hard, it was shocking and somehow I lived through it. But now for some reason what I'm dealing with is harder for me. Please don't belittle my struggle with this.

 

So your Dad means less to you than some random bloke? You can get over your Dad but not some random bloke?

 

You are suffering for this guy? Are you a martyr? Should we put you on a stake and start calling you Potamiaena?

 

Anna I repeat. Get therapy. You need it. Your priorities are way out of whack. You are causing this harm to yourself. No one else is doing this - you are.

 

If you do not know where to start then speak to a tutor or something. Most schools/ colleges etc have a therapist available. Can't do that then see a doctor and get a referral. Go and see them.

[RRM321]

Please don't make comparisons trying to prove me that there is worse than my situation and trying to make me feel guity about suffering for him. It doesn't help. People are different. Everyone has problems and everyone feel about their problems in different ways. Some people are strong enough do deal with everything and some people are not and it's harder for them to deal with things that for others seem stupid.

 

I have lost my father two years ago, it was my first loss, it was hard, it was shocking and somehow I lived through it. But now for some reason what I'm dealing with is harder for me. Please don't belittle my struggle with this.

 

You're not stupid, and you're right that everyone is different with regard to how much time it takes to move beyond something. We know that - and that's why everyone is holding the door open and being so persistent. We want you to see the way out even if you're not ready. Telling you something other than the truth is like closing the door and leaving you alone in that dark space.

 

You are still grieving the loss of your dad. Give yourself some credit, the loss of your dad is far more significant but, life doesn't give us a way to change that. Few things make us feel more powerless than that kind of loss.

 

Now you have a situation where you feel like you can turn back loss - and that is why you are desperately trying to save this guy. It speaks a lot to how much you love and miss your dad. It's really noble but, it's not real sweetheart, I'm sorry.

 

I lost my dad too. It's not what I wanted. It just is.

Acknowledge your dad, he's still in your heart.

 

You can let this other one go.

You're 8 pages into exploring this so, a therapist would be a good place for you to start talking. You need to start hearing your own voice. Do as people suggest and seek out some support.

Edited February 22, 2016 by RRM321

[Itspointless]

You are still grieving the loss of your dad. Give yourself some credit, the loss of your dad is far more significant but, life doesn't give us a way to change that. Few things make us feel more powerless than that kind of loss.

 

Now you have a situation where you feel like you can turn back loss

Or now she feels what that loss really has done with her. Sometimes our losses are so big that we cannot handle them properly and we dissociate. Then the shock and (complete) loss of self returns on similar experiences. Been there done that.

[ilovemefirst]

You are acting like a stalker. Leave him alone. He clearly stated he doesnt want to be with you. Have some self respect and walk away! You need to love yourself first, before you can love someone else.

[Toodaloo]

Or now she feels what that loss really has done with her. Sometimes our losses are so big that we cannot handle them properly and we dissociate. Then the shock and (complete) loss of self returns on similar experiences. Been there done that.

 

Either way this girl needs professional help.

 

The likes of us speculating and patting her shoulder and saying there there is not going to help her.

 

We can all take second guesses but she needs professional help before she really sends her life down the toilet. Or perhaps that is what she wants so someone can come and "rescue" her. Will be a shock and a half when she discovers that the white knight doesn't show up. Personally I would rather read on here in a few weeks time that she has had her first therapy session and she has thrown that bloody shrine away and started actually listening and facilitating her healing rather than droning on.

[Zahara]

Hello.

 

- On our first date he told me he liked me a lot since the day we met and he wanted to know me better.

- Few dates later, he told me he’s not ready for a new serious relationship.

- We’ve been seeing each other once or twice a month.

 

OP, Toodaloo is right. It would be in your best interest to see a professional to help you through your emotional difficulties. At least someone you can talk to who will help you understand why you do the things you do, then maybe you will be able to rationalize your behavior and start to actually see your reality. You're running around now blindly in a "love fog". And what you are feeling has absolutely nothing to do with love.

 

This was relatively a very short encounter. You mentioned you "dated" for 5 months and that you saw each other once or twice a month. And in that span of time, you've become obsessive, dependent and immensely attached in a very unhealthy way. That's about 5-10 dates.

 

You've placed all your value in his hands. If you don't love yourself, no one else will.

 

I have to wonder how you behave in real life -- your insecurities likely shine through and that's dangerous because you'll attract men that will only use you. The way you come through online over a man you had a few dates with is alarming. This should be an eye-opener to you because if you continue to behave this way, there's a high probability you'll be getting in very destructive situations in the future because it's what you've ingrained yourself to do.

 

Get help. Invest in yourself. Good luck.

[Raina314]

I agree, professional help is a good idea at this point. However, I think some of us are being unnecessarily belligerent and unkind to Anna, perhaps because what she's going through reminds of us when we were at our absolute worst and felt totally pathetic. We're lashing out disproportionately.

 

Anna, a lot of us have felt the way you do, and sometimes heartbreak is harder than death because living people are theoretically capable of changing while the dead are not, and we literally have no choice but to accept death. Heartbreak can be harder to accept. But do get help if you can, your case sounds especially bad.

[Simon Phoenix]

I read your replies and decided to make a list with reasons why I shouldn't contact him and maybe I should read it everytime I feel the urge to contact him.

 

 

1. To give him space and show him that I respect his decision.

 

2. "those old feelings of desperation will pop right back up and you'll fall back into those same patterns. Even if he does respond it will never be enough for you and you'll want more and more until you just start up the constant messaging again. I've been there, please trust me on that. It's a drug and you want your fix. You have to break the addiction."

 

3. "What helped me most with resisting the urge to reach out was remembering how I feel about the last guy I had a fling with, because when I wanted to end it he kept persisting and trying to put moves on even when I only wanted to be friends. It really, really turned me off and till this day I have no respect for him and just thinking about him pisses me off.

 

The good thing about my self esteem falling so low (if there is any such thing) is that I then assumed my ex would come to feel that same pissed off, turned off, resentful feeling about me if I so much as said hi to him, even though the breakup was amicable and he never told me he wanted to stop hearing from me, which it sounds like is also true for your guy.

 

So, what o told myself wasnt necessarily true, BUT I was so saddened by the idea of it that I stayed out of contact. I figured that was the only way he wouldn't hate me, and "not cared for but not hated" is better than hated.

 

Idk if you've ever been the dumper, but if you have been, imagine how you feel about your ex and try to let the fear of being a turnoff motivate you, if you can't find anything more positive. "

 

I don't want him to be disgusted by me or to feel negative feelings when thinking of me. I don't want to push him even further away.

 

4. He never called me first and showed me he never had any strong feelings for me.

 

5. He's not calling now just to see if I'm doing fine.

 

6. He's doing his own thing now, maybe really trying to reconcile with his wife and I shouldn't bother him.

 

7. I should let him do whatever he wants and whaterer makes him happy.

 

8. I will feel worse if I contact him and he rejects me, cuts all contacts or doesn't even reply.

 

9. He'll know I'm still into him, I'm desperate and weak and I'm suffering without him, this would be an ego stroke for him and won't do me any good.

 

10. I WILL look like a crazy and instable stalker to him if I continue to contact him.

 

11. He probably doesn't want me to contact him now and if I do it he will see it as another attemt on my part.

 

12. Yes, I believe there might be a small possibility that if I just vanish from his life he will start to miss me or at least he'll wonder why I stopped calling and wonder what am I doing.

 

13. I need to have a dignity and self respect and calling, begging, crying wouldn't do me any good.

 

 

 

 

I only think about the good times we spent together and how great I felt and the nice things he did for me and the rare times he showed that he cared even just a little and I try not to remember all the times I cried, suffered or couldn't fall asleep or how I felt seeing him tagged in the bar with friends and I'm not there with him.

 

What I should remember is how he ignored me sometimes or as he said it himself - being nice with me when together and acting distanced when not with me. I should remember him not even calling to see how I'm doing and not caring about me and probably always thinking about himself and what he wants and doing what's good for him.

 

As I said, maybe even the break up wasn't for me not to suffer, but for him not to deal with this. I have always tried to justify him for everything and not to blame him, but when he asked me if I want sex, I told him that I don't want just sex. I told you what he said then "Sex is a good way to start and then we’ll think about the rest". THE REST? What is the rest? And who will do the thinking? Of course hearing this would make me feel that things will develop and considering the fact that I'm inexpirienced I fell for this. He could have said that it will be only sex, you should know this and since you don't want only that it's better if we go our separated ways. And maybe then, in the beginning before anything had happened between us it wouldn't hurt me so much. But he chose to tell me this and started talking about how he's not ready for a serious relationship AFTER we had sex.

 

Ok, I think I think too much and I go through different phases - blaming myself, then blaming him and then not blaming any of us and saying it's just the way things happened.

 

And if I keep thinking I could find reasons to blame him, even if that is what would help to let him go. I'm just having doubts if he was really honest and thoughtful and if he respected me or not but there's no way to know for sure. At the same time I could find reasons that he's not a bad person and he never wanted to hurt me.

 

A friend of mine always told me he used me. I don't feel like that, I don't feel used. What do you think about that?

 

 

 

 

And another list...

 

Signs I'm not ready to let go or not even close to leting go

 

1. Haven's deleted his number, texts and him from my friends list on Facebook.

 

2. Everyday I wear the necklace he gave me.

 

3. I wrote a poem about him.

 

4. I have a shelf full of gifts from him or things that remind me of our dates and our vacation (I even keep things like a lottery ticket we bought together and a napkin from the restaurant we went to talk about breaking up).

 

5. I wake up thinking about him and when I go to bed before I fall asleep I spend some time thinking about him.

 

6. Recently I started having dreams with him quite often.

 

7. I have a playlist on youtube with songs that remind me of him either because of the lirycs or because we were listening to that song together.

 

8. I still keep writing here and talking about him.

 

9. I still check his profile.

 

10. I still have the urge to start crying sometimes.

 

11. Went to a perfume shop to smell his perfume...

 

12. Everytime Ii feel bad or even happy about something the first thing I want to do is to call him and share with him.

 

13. He said he'll call, again he gave me some hope and something to wait for, I didn't get a real and solid closure (as someone said he said some nice lies just to let me down gently and to see my meltdown) so again he did it for him so he wouldn't deal with seeing me uspet and crying. I am not that kind of person who would say something I don' really mean so I don't understand why there are people doing this? Why is it so hard to tell the whole truth and be direct? Of course, when he asked me if I wanted sex, he asked "can I say it directly". And he did. Yes, I guess that was a lot easier to say.

 

14. If we really broke up the first time we talked about it (but I didn't feel like that) it means it's been three months already and i haven't moved on.

 

I NEED TO STOP THINKING!

 

Delete that second list now. It's awful and it will not help you in the least.

[ExpatInItaly]

Anna.

 

As another poster suggested, you need to research Anxious Attachment. I think you will identify with many of the so-called "symptoms." I also believe this will help you understand why you've become completely fixated on a random guy who wasn't invested to begin with - which will in turn help you heal and detach.

 

The behavior you're describing is very troubling. A professional with experience in Attachment styles and love addiction can help you sort out what you're feeling. I think you have a terribly low opinion of yourself and are looking to this man to validate you and make you feel worthy. That is not fair for you to do. It's not someone else's job to be the emotional Band-Aid.

 

Rip up the poem. Take off the necklace. Dismantle the shrine. Throw away the napkin. You are actively contributing to your own distress, and the only person who can fix that is you.

 

If you refuse to do the above, you will be unhappy for a very, very long time. You have only yourself to blame for that side of it. Be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.

[Anna2000]

It scares me how many of you suggest me going to a therapist. This thing really scares me. To go there means I am not 100% normal, I am weak and I can't solve my problems by myself. Yes, I have thought about going but I'm afraid. I wish I was stronger, independant, confident and with a normal self esteem and with no need for help from anyone. AND I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL!

 

Toodaloo, being rude and sarcastic doesn't help but I guess that's the way you talk. I know you're trying to help like everybody else here. Thank you for that. Reading here helped me to have another perspective on my situation and I learned a lot more things than if I just kept talking with my friends. Yes, for a moment I thought about deleting him and moving all the things that remind me of him somewhere else, but it's so strange to me to delete someone from my life, to delete a whole period of my life like it didn't happen, a period of time where I felt happy and have good memories. I have never done this before.

 

 

You are still grieving the loss of your dad. Give yourself some credit, the loss of your dad is far more significant but, life doesn't give us a way to change that. Few things make us feel more powerless than that kind of loss.

 

Now you have a situation where you feel like you can turn back loss - and that is why you are desperately trying to save this guy.

It speaks a lot to how much you love and miss your dad. It's really noble but, it's not real sweetheart, I'm sorry.

 

I lost my dad too. It's not what I wanted. It just is.

Acknowledge your dad, he's still in your heart.

 

Or now she feels what that loss really has done with her. Sometimes our losses are so big that we cannot handle them properly and we dissociate. Then the shock and (complete) loss of self returns on similar experiences. Been there done that.

 

I have never thought there might be some connection between the loss of my father and this man. Maybe you are right. I met him two months after my father passed away and a little before we separated I was thinking to myself how I already have lost one of the most important people and in such short period of time I can't allow myself to lose another one who somehow became important too.

Recently I was thinking if I really have overcame the death of my father.

Struggling now with this man doesnt't mean my father means less to me. I know that I can't get my father back and the only choice I have is to accept it. But this man is not dead, he's out there alive and well and this is what keeps my hope that things will change in the future.

 

 

I have to wonder how you behave in real life -- your insecurities likely shine through and that's dangerous because you'll attract men that will only use you. The way you come through online over a man you had a few dates with is alarming. This should be an eye-opener to you because if you continue to behave this way, there's a high probability you'll be getting in very destructive situations in the future because it's what you've ingrained yourself to do.

 

What does this mean? How would a person like that behave? A person whose insecurites shine through?

 

 

As another poster suggested, you need to research Anxious Attachment. I think you will identify with many of the so-called "symptoms." I also believe this will help you understand why you've become completely fixated on a random guy who wasn't invested to begin with - which will in turn help you heal and detach.

I'm afraid I don't want to detach. I mean not now...

 

I think you have a terribly low opinion of yourself and are looking to this man to validate you and make you feel worthy. That is not fair for you to do. It's not someone else's job to be the emotional Band-Aid.

 

If that's true, can't I do something about it without going to a therapist?

 

 

 

 

I have a friend with a situation similar to mine. 6 years ago she met a man 17 years older than her. Their dates were also rare, he was still in a relationship with his girlfriend of almost 10 years, I think he even had a few more lovers, he even got one of them pregnant but she had an abortion(I don't know if he had the other lovers before or during the time he was with my friend). So for two years dating with my friend he was with his serious girlfriend but he was promising my friend he would break up with his girlfriend. And one day he just told my friend they couldn't see each other anymore, nothing could happen between them. The difference here is that she told me he was crying while telling her this. For three months they were separated, she says she never called him, that's another difference, and then they accidentaly met, he had already broken up with his girlfriend and started dating my friend again. And about a year ago they started living together, trying to have a baby... Not that it's perfect now, his ex keeps calling him and my friend isn't very happy about it and he told her he will always be a good friend with his ex. So her story is not the most romantic and perfect but it worked out for them. And she's the one giving me hope telling me that I need to have patience.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's the story you are looking toward for hope? That's awful. And there's nothing wrong with going to therapy -- sometimes you get into a rut and therapy can help you sort things out. It's a hell of a lot better than what you are doing right now -- holding on for dear life to a pseudo-relationship to the point of constructing a shrine for the guy. While I shudder at the word "normal" because there's really no such thing, what are you are doing right now is well off the plane of healthy and rational.

 

But yes, I think you are past the point of being able to self-medicate this. You need outside help -- and there's nothing wrong with that. It's a lot more healthy and productive to admit you need help then to avoid it out of pride/misplaced disgust for it.

[Toodaloo]

Anna I am being blunt because being kind to you IS NOT WORKING. You are not helping yourself.

 

If you see that as being rude and sarcastic then who am I to care? Because lets face it. Your behavior IS very very wrong and you are going to get yourself into a whole heap of trouble if you do not stop this right now. I am simply telling you as it is. You may not like it but that is what you are doing to yourself.

 

If it takes some random stranger pointing out the obvious then so be it.

 

No, you are not normal right now. Yes you need help. Yes it is frightening.

 

Thing is Anna, if you don't do that frightening thing this is going to get worse. Its going to get bigger and scarier and more frightening. Do not let it. Stop it now. It is already out of hand. Do not let it get worse.

 

Get up. Get the help and please for the love of small goats throw that shrine away. You may think I am being sarcastic/ rude but that is exactly what that shelf is. Get rid of the random shrine crap. Get it gone.

 

Take that bloody necklace off. Put it away.

 

If YOU want to stop this and get better YOU need to take those steps not us.

 

You are boarder line being arrested for your behavior if you let this continue. Recognize it. Stop it. Take responsibility for your own happiness.

[Anna2000]

What I am willing to do at this moment is to put all those things on the shelf and the necklace in a shoe box and hide it somewhere (I really don't like throwing away stuff and there are things like an epilator he gave me for my birthday, I'm using it and can't throw it away and afford a new one), delete his numbers, but write them on paper and put them in the shoe box and delete him from facebook. Is it ok to start like this? It's not a full detachment but it's something. I am afraid of how I'll feel after I do this. I wonder if he sees I deleted him from my friends list how would he react.

If I do at least this will it mean there is no use to go to a therapist to help me with this attachment and will this mean I am moving forward? There must be a way to do it myself of course if I have the will and willingness to do it.

I read people's opinions of going to therapy and found a lot who are not satisfied and say it didn't help them and it even got worse for them. I don't know if I'll find the right therapist - he might help, he might not. And I don't have that much money to spend and try different therapists.

[PegNosePete]

What I am willing to do at this moment is to put all those things on the shelf and the necklace in a shoe box and hide it somewhere (I really don't like throwing away stuff and there are things like an epilator he gave me for my birthday, I'm using it and can't throw it away and afford a new one), delete his numbers, but write them on paper and put them in the shoe box and delete him from facebook. Is it ok to start like this?

Yes, that's a very good start. Put everything that reminds you of him, into that box. Including the epilator. Everything!

 

If I do at least this will it mean there is no use to go to a therapist

No. You have something wrong in your brain. I mean that from a physiological point of view, not trying to be mean. Your neural pathways are not firing normally. That needs to be fixed. Doing it yourself will be extremely difficult since you aren't trained in that kind of thing. It's like trying to re-wire your entire house without knowing the first thing about electrics. Except the electric wiring in this case is your brain...

[Simon Phoenix]

I wonder if he sees I deleted him from my friends list how would he react.

 

Relief or indifference. And you really have to get over this weird, caveman-type aversion to therapy. You need it badly. Even talking to a free counselor at your school would be a hell of a lot better than what you are doing now.

[Anna2000]

Relief or indifference.

Then I don't want to delete him. He can't feel this towards me!

I just deleted his numbers and put all the stuff in the shoe box.

But I really want him to call me!!! And to ask me why I deleted him if I do it.

[Itspointless]

It scares me how many of you suggest me going to a therapist. This thing really scares me. To go there means I am not 100% normal, I am weak and I can't solve my problems by myself. Yes, I have thought about going but I'm afraid. I wish I was stronger, independant, confident and with a normal self esteem and with no need for help from anyone. AND I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL!

Anna your confusing some things. Having lost you dad and going through the feelings of a broken heart is not a normal situation. Some people - lucky people - have learned in their childhoods healthy ways to deal with adversity. Some us us - roughly 40 percent of the people in the world - have learned patterns that helped them in childhood but are not the best ways to deal with pain or feelings of abandonment. All of this has nothing to do with being normal or abnormal, we are not talking about disorders. But you can use some advice and help to become more reflective about certain patterns in your life that might be less helpful than you think. Your fear of failure is a good example. Who was it that was overly critical with you in your past making you compete for love?

[ExpatInItaly]

Then I don't want to delete him. He can't feel this towards me!

I just deleted his numbers and put all the stuff in the shoe box.

But I really want him to call me!!! And to ask me why I deleted him if I do it.

 

This line of thinking clearly demonstrates why it's very unlikely you'll resolve the deeper problems by yourself. You're still very much in a phase of denial, and delusion about this man's real level of interest in you. It's moved far beyond having a crush or even falling in love. This is obsession... which a good therapist can help you with.

 

And please, for you own good, do not take advice from your friend who is telling you to just be patient. She doesn't know what she's talking about, especially given that she displayed the same attachment pattern as you. So she's now living with a man who is unwilling to cut contact with his ex? Sounds like a not-very-healthy dynamic at all. I certainly wouldn't tolerate that.

 

Look, this man has told you time again in many different ways that it's not going to happen. It's not his fault that you refuse to listen to him, OP.