I need hope

[Toodaloo]

What I am willing to do at this moment is to put all those things on the shelf and the necklace in a shoe box and hide it somewhere (I really don't like throwing away stuff and there are things like an epilator he gave me for my birthday, I'm using it and can't throw it away and afford a new one), delete his numbers, but write them on paper and put them in the shoe box and delete him from facebook. Is it ok to start like this? It's not a full detachment but it's something. I am afraid of how I'll feel after I do this. I wonder if he sees I deleted him from my friends list how would he react.

 

Who cares what he thinks? This is not about him. This is about YOU! Good plan. Get those things and hide them away. Better yet put them in a box and give them to your Mum to store for you or a friend to store. Tape the box shut. Buy a razor or veet for your legs instead.

 

If I do at least this will it mean there is no use to go to a therapist to help me with this attachment and will this mean I am moving forward? There must be a way to do it myself of course if I have the will and willingness to do it.

 

I strongly recommend that you still go and seek help. There is more to this than you think and talking it through with someone who is a trained professional will help eventually. You have your studies etc to think about. Go and have a chat with your tutor. There is probably a therapist on site that you can talk to for free.

 

I read people's opinions of going to therapy and found a lot who are not satisfied and say it didn't help them and it even got worse for them. I don't know if I'll find the right therapist - he might help, he might not. And I don't have that much money to spend and try different therapists.

 

Anna. It is plain and simple. You are sick. If you broke your leg would you refuse to go and see a doctor in case (s)he didn't set it right? Mental health is no different to physical health and you should stop putting such a prejudice on yourself. You need to get healthy again.

 

Right now you are making excuse after excuse after excuse. It may work. It may not work but if you keep making excuses instead of trying to get better you are not going to get better. You are holding on to a delusion and it is making you sicker. If you were drinking poison and got ill would you then continue to drink it after someone told you what was making you ill? NO! You are not that stupid but this is exactly the same.

 

A few posts back you said you wished that you were strong. Well Anna strength comes from within. Strength is confronting your fears and anxiety and doing what you can to deal with it and get on and live. Sometimes you we all need help with that and that is absolutely fine. It is a far stronger and braver thing to admit that you have a problem and seek help than to hide away and allow yourself to get worse.

 

You have the power to make your wish come true. So please pack that crap away and go and speak to your tutor. Seek out that help.

[privategal]

Ask the moderator to move to the ow/om section of the boards. You will get advice from people in similiar scenarios.

[Eighty_nine]

I agree, professional help is a good idea at this point. However, I think some of us are being unnecessarily belligerent and unkind to Anna, perhaps because what she's going through reminds of us when we were at our absolute worst and felt totally pathetic. We're lashing out disproportionately.

 

Anna, a lot of us have felt the way you do, and sometimes heartbreak is harder than death because living people are theoretically capable of changing while the dead are not, and we literally have no choice but to accept death. Heartbreak can be harder to accept. But do get help if you can, your case sounds especially bad.

 

Absolutely. Do you all know that heartbreak triggers the same chemical reaction in the brain as the death of a loved one does? think about that.

 

Todaloo- everything is relative. Thinking about starving children will not make Anna feel better. If Anna was starving, she would be thinking about that, and not this guy. But she's not starving and presumably has a roof over her head at the moment so she's thinking about this guy. everything we feel is relative to our own experiences, and you cannot be helpful to another person unless you start there.

 

And I agree Anna, you should talk to someone about this. You're getting a lot of name calling and judging in this thread, and a trained professional knows better and they will meet you where you're at and work from there. This whole thing is a little bit to do with this guy; and it's a lot to do with your own insecurities, your own losses that have not been resolved, your feelings about your self and your worth.You are allowed to be hurt about this. I'm afraid this thread is bad for you because of posters who are saying otherwise and working to instill this shame in you about how you're feeling. To move on you have to FEEL what you FEEL openly. A therapist would allow you to do that.

 

Just in terms of practical advice: when I was trying to disconnect myself from an unhealthy relationship with an as*hole, I would make lists of all the ****ty, disrespectful, rude, awful things he'd ever done or said to me. You know, those things or circumstances that REALLY hurt. When I missed him I would write them down-- these ended up becoming lists of the same things over and over again... I remember finding these lists in my office, in my car etc months later. I felt a little silly looking back at them. but THEY HELPED! Writing down all of the ways he let me down distracted my mind from thinking about what I "loved" and missed about him. This really helped me through No Contact, and you should try it.

Edited February 23, 2016 by lissvarna

[Emaize3]

Awesome advice lissvarna. What do you do when you had a great relationship with no faults big enough to see the relationship as a bad thing? In other words, it was very healthy and happy. And I do agree that Anna is hurting and does not need bad comments from other posters. She already feels horrible and is reaching out for comfort too.

[ChickiePops]

Anna, putting that stuff in a shoebox and hiding it is a great first step..but you really need to delete him from Facebook. Or better yet, delete your own Facebook account. You can put your account on hold temporarily until you're feeling stronger..that's what I did when my fiancé dumped me.

 

I think a lot of posters here are American (myself included) and don't really understand how therapy is viewed in other countries..but you should really try to understand that therapy doesn't mean weakness. Admitting that you need help doesn't mean weakness. It takes a stronger person to seek help than it does to deny yourself any and wind up losing it. Please find a therapist.

 

He's not coming back Anna. Definitely not in the capacity you want him too, and probably not at all. You were a rebound. You're allowed to be hurt and upset. What you shouldn't do is refuse to move on and heal from this and let it ruin the rest of your life.

[Itspointless]

Do you all know that heartbreak triggers the same chemical reaction in the brain as the death of a loved one does? think about that.

Apparently Anna hasn't guessed it yet, but my advises comes from knowing how it is to be anxious attached and having lost a mother in adolescence after years of illness and other stress before that. Afterwards it was too much, I dissociated only to have the pain come back with similar experiences. Am I normal, yes I am normal, but I do know where and when I have to be careful with myself or sometimes play a bit of theater.

 

Anna, other people won't save us, we have to do that ourselves, like Baron von Munchhausen: http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user5/imageroot/2014/11/munchhausen.png Therapy is one of the things you can do to drag yourself out of that swamp. See it like school; nobody is ashamed to learn certain things in college. Than why is it different when we ask help and advice concerning our emotions and believes about ourselves?

[Simon Phoenix]

Then I don't want to delete him. He can't feel this towards me!

I just deleted his numbers and put all the stuff in the shoe box.

But I really want him to call me!!! And to ask me why I deleted him if I do it.

 

And this response is why you need therapy. You can't control how another person feels and the more you try, the worse you'll be perceived, which you are learning right now (or at least supposed to be learning -- I think your head is so far in the clouds that nothing is registering for you).

 

There's nothing you are typing that suggests love for this person. It's completely self-serving and obsessive.

[Anna2000]

Who was it that was overly critical with you in your past making you compete for love?

 

I don't know but it's something I need to think about.

 

 

And I agree Anna, you should talk to someone about this. You're getting a lot of name calling and judging in this thread, and a trained professional knows better and they will meet you where you're at and work from there. This whole thing is a little bit to do with this guy; and it's a lot to do with your own insecurities, your own losses that have not been resolved, your feelings about your self and your worth.You are allowed to be hurt about this. I'm afraid this thread is bad for you because of posters who are saying otherwise and working to instill this shame in you about how you're feeling. To move on you have to FEEL what you FEEL openly. A therapist would allow you to do that.

 

I don't know if this thread is good or bad for me. All I know is that I didn't get the answers I wanted. The reason I decided to write here was to get advice what to do to be with him. Or at least how to keep a friendship with him. I would like to try to keep him in my life as a friend and I told him this on our last meeting.

 

Just in terms of practical advice: when I was trying to disconnect myself from an unhealthy relationship with an as*hole, I would make lists of all the ****ty, disrespectful, rude, awful things he'd ever done or said to me. You know, those things or circumstances that REALLY hurt. When I missed him I would write them down-- these ended up becoming lists of the same things over and over again... I remember finding these lists in my office, in my car etc months later. I felt a little silly looking back at them. but THEY HELPED! Writing down all of the ways he let me down distracted my mind from thinking about what I "loved" and missed about him. This really helped me through No Contact, and you should try it.

 

I thought about that and there are more good than bad things I remember about him. I can think of 1-2 things that he did that made me feel bad.

 

 

Anna, putting that stuff in a shoebox and hiding it is a great first step..but you really need to delete him from Facebook. Or better yet, delete your own Facebook account. You can put your account on hold temporarily until you're feeling stronger..that's what I did when my fiancé dumped me.

 

I think a lot of posters here are American (myself included) and don't really understand how therapy is viewed in other countries..but you should really try to understand that therapy doesn't mean weakness. Admitting that you need help doesn't mean weakness. It takes a stronger person to seek help than it does to deny yourself any and wind up losing it. Please find a therapist.

 

I deactivated my account for two weeks but activated it to get in contact with my friends.

I am trying not to check his profile or when he was last online. I still do it but not as much as before.

 

I live in Bulgaria. I remember reading an interview with a therapist who said only 30% of the people here would go to therapy and the other 70% would prefer to go to a fortune teller, haha.

But I think therapy here started to become a thing in recent years.

I have friends who went to therapy and I don't find it strange. I just never wanted to be like one of them.

I found a therapist and maybe I'll decide to go in a few weeks when I have the money.

 

 

 

 

I saw him tagged in another photo from the bar. This time with the girl he was carrying on his shoulders a few months ago. Yes, he's probably having fun and in this case I can't imagine him doing anything with this girl because she's too young, she finished high school last year.

I don't understand him. I think he can't decide what he wants. If he really wanted to save his marriage he wouldn't be going to bars with other women and tagging himself in the photos so everyone including his wife could see.

 

I wish I could call or text him! Would it be really bad if I just asked him how's he's doing? The thing that is stopping me now is that he said he'll call and I want to wait for him to do it before I decide do it.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Anna2000

[PegNosePete]

Would it be really bad if I just asked him how's he's doing?

How would you feel if he doesn't reply?

[Anna2000]

How would you feel if he doesn't reply?

Why he wouldn't reply if I asked him "How are you?"? I'm not going to ask him out.

But let's say he doesn't reply. I would feel bad and I know that I'll have to wait another month or more to try again.

[keiji]

Why he wouldn't reply if I asked him "How are you?"? I'm not going to ask him out.

But let's say he doesn't reply. I would feel bad and I know that I'll have to wait another month or more to try again.

 

Hey guys! I'm new here (I have obviously been dumped and not feeling OK at the moment) but I've been lurking for the last few days and your advice and testimonies have been extremely helpful to me.

 

Anna, getting silence or an ice-cold reply instead of the answer you're longing for is a real possibility, and that will make you feel much, much worse. I never believed in NC until I started applying it recently and It's done a lot of good to me. The important thing is that you don't do it in the hope that he may return, but as a means to improve and get rid of that horrible anxiety that I'm sure most or all of us have felt at some point after a breakup. Your body can only take so much suffering, so it will recede, but that won't happen if you keep exposing yourself to painful situations, and right now, the source of your pain is your ex. It's easier said than done, but I think you must really try and you'll start feeling extremely proud of yourself as days go by. Set small goals, one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary, but please DO IT.

 

Also, the option of starting therapy is a very good one. I'm doing it, and that doesn't mean I'm a weak person, quite the opposite. I know this is a cliche, but we all have weaknesses, and the sooner you admit your own, the sooner you'll start working on yourself and you'll probably discover that all this suffering you're going through has much less to do with that person than you think now. If you want to have a healthy relationship in the future, it's essential that you build a stronger, more confident self.

[PegNosePete]

Why he wouldn't reply if I asked him "How are you?"?

If he wanted to talk to you, he would've replied to your last message, or the one before that, or the one before that, or the one before that.

 

He is clearly not interested in any kind of relationship or friendship with you.

 

If he replied to a "how are you" message I would eat my hat.

[Anna2000]

Anna, getting silence or an ice-cold reply instead of the answer you're longing for is a real possibility, and that will make you feel much, much worse.

 

I know that maybe I won't feel good about this but I feel like I have to try. And I can't talk myself out of doing it eventually.

 

I never believed in NC until I started applying it recently and It's done a lot of good to me. The important thing is that you don't do it in the hope that he may return, but as a means to improve and get rid of that horrible anxiety that I'm sure most or all of us have felt at some point after a breakup. Your body can only take so much suffering, so it will recede, but that won't happen if you keep exposing yourself to painful situations, and right now, the source of your pain is your ex. It's easier said than done, but I think you must really try and you'll start feeling extremely proud of yourself as days go by. Set small goals, one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary, but please DO IT.

 

I have never heard of NC before and I've been told here I'm not doing it right. I haven't contacted him in 28 days and when I deactivated my account I haven't checked his profile for two weeks. So that means I've been total NC only for two weeks.

I set goals to myself. First it was not to contact him until the end of February. Now my goal is March 13th.

I do things like working out to feel better. At least I'll be in a better shape. Next week I'm going to a hairdresser to cut my hair and maybe dye it. It's not a big thing but I feel good that I still have desire to do things for myself.

 

If he wanted to talk to you, he would've replied to your last message, or the one before that, or the one before that, or the one before that.

 

He is clearly not interested in any kind of relationship or friendship with you.

 

If he replied to a "how are you" message I would eat my hat.

 

Then what should I write him so he would reply?

[PegNosePete]

Then what should I write him so he would reply?

There is nothing you can write to him that would make him want to reply to you. You have burned your bridges. Contacting him in any way will only lead to more hurt and rejection for you. So don't do it.

[Anna2000]

There is nothing you can write to him that would make him want to reply to you. You have burned your bridges. Contacting him in any way will only lead to more hurt and rejection for you. So don't do it.

We ended on good terms. We didn't have an argument or something to make him be angry with me. I stopped contacting him for a while and I'm not going to start bombarding him with messages and calls. Then I would definitely burn all bridges.

I don't think he's the kind of person who cuts all contact with people. If he did that he would tell me not to call him and he would delete me from facebook.

[PegNosePete]

Go on then, text him. Prove to me that I'm wrong. But if I'm right, you will listen to me next time, yes?

[elaine567]

Read again your first post and really listen to what you said and try to understand what everyone else can see here.

 

From day one this was a one sided relationship and actually, this man was pretty upfront, he told you again and again it wasn't serious and eventually HE ended it.

YOU persuaded yourself that YOU were in a different relationship, and that he felt more for you. He kept on telling you that that wasn't true, but YOU chose not to listen.

YOU wrote a love story for the two of you, BUT he was just seeking comfort after he split from his wife, he was never really into you.

He told you that repeatedly, and eventually he broke up with you, to, I guess, try to reconnect with his wife.

 

You can't MAKE people love you, or call you or want to speak to you or want to be your friend, if THEY don't want to do that.

Please leave him be.

[ilovemefirst]

Anna, men can smell desperation from miles away. You have to realize, that your energy is so focused on him, that you are not thinking about anything else. This is highly unhealthy and i do suggest professional help. If a man chased you the way you chased him, wouldnt that turn you off?

[keiji]

Anna, if you need to try, of course, go ahead. But I'll give you a personal example: I cut contact with my ex a month ago and haven't heard from her since then, which is the best that can happen to me even if I ache every day. In any event, what's preventing her from contacting me? Nothing. Therefore, I have to accept that she's no longer interested in me. Period. I suggest you do the same asap.

[Redhead14]

Anna:

 

He may have cared about you, he just didn't care enough.

 

Each day you dwell on this you are wasting valuable time and energy. Look at the bigger picture -- each day is the first day of the rest of your life which belongs to YOU. You can give/waste hours/days/months being miserable over a man who doesn't deserve those hours/days/months or you can spend each new day focusing on you and your needs and being happy.

 

You don’t need hope, what you need is acceptance. There is freedom in knowing that there are things that are simply not in your control or ability to know/understand. Oftentimes, it has nothing to do with YOU. Acceptance is liberating. You cannot control how a person feels, what they think, what they like, what they need, what they want, when they feel what they feel, why they feel what they feel, why they do what they do. And, usually neither can they. It is what it is. You don't know why he did what he did and it doesn't matter why. What matters is that you are struggling with this and you don't have to.

 

Do not entertain any more thoughts of communicating with him. Block him from your phone, SM, mind and heart. He hasn't earned his way into your life on any level.

[ChickiePops]

You wanted advice on forcing a man who doesn't want you to want you. But that's not possible..so people are advising you on how to heal yourself instead of clinging to hope in a hopeless situation.

 

I know it hurts to hear it and you want to cover your ears and imagine a life with him but that's not what is best for you and deep down I think you know that. You just don't want to believe it.

[Eighty_nine]

 

 

I thought about that and there are more good than bad things I remember about him. I can think of 1-2 things that he did that made me feel bad.

 

 

 

How can you say this when he is the cause of daily anxiety and suffering?

Maybe for you a better list would be a "evidence he doesn't care about me" list where you write down all the evidence that he will never want something serious with you.

 

In any case I now agree with others that you should text him. You need to be faced with the reality of the situation, so go ahead and text him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know that maybe I won't feel good about this but I feel like I have to try. And I can't talk myself out of doing it eventually.

 

 

 

I have never heard of NC before and I've been told here I'm not doing it right. I haven't contacted him in 28 days and when I deactivated my account I haven't checked his profile for two weeks. So that means I've been total NC only for two weeks.

I set goals to myself. First it was not to contact him until the end of February. Now my goal is March 13th.

I do things like working out to feel better. At least I'll be in a better shape. Next week I'm going to a hairdresser to cut my hair and maybe dye it. It's not a big thing but I feel good that I still have desire to do things for myself.

 

 

 

Then what should I write him so he would reply?

 

I was really happy to read the above. Until I read that last question.

 

You cannot make someone speak to you. This is the wrong mindset for No Contact.

 

Anna, since you are hell-bent on texting him, let's imagine...how will you feel in the following scenarios?:

 

1) He replies with something non-committal, doesn't ask to see you

 

2) He replies. Has sex with you. Then disappears again

 

3) He replies. Tells you he'll call you later, but doesn't.

 

4) He doesn't reply at all.

 

It is going to be one of the above. He is not going to suddenly realize you are the love of his life. He is not suddenly going to want to date you. He is not going to keep up any type of regular contact with you.

 

And you'll be back to Square One.

[Anna2000]

Anna, if you need to try, of course, go ahead. But I'll give you a personal example: I cut contact with my ex a month ago and haven't heard from her since then, which is the best that can happen to me even if I ache every day. In any event, what's preventing her from contacting me? Nothing. Therefore, I have to accept that she's no longer interested in me. Period. I suggest you do the same asap.

 

It's very good that you can accept things the way they are. For me not keeping in touch with him deffinitely is not the best that could happen to me.

 

 

You don’t need hope, what you need is acceptance. There is freedom in knowing that there are things that are simply not in your control or ability to know/understand. Oftentimes, it has nothing to do with YOU. Acceptance is liberating. You cannot control how a person feels, what they think, what they like, what they need, what they want, when they feel what they feel, why they feel what they feel, why they do what they do. And, usually neither can they. It is what it is. You don't know why he did what he did and it doesn't matter why. What matters is that you are struggling with this and you don't have to.

 

Do not entertain any more thoughts of communicating with him. Block him from your phone, SM, mind and heart. He hasn't earned his way into your life on any level.

 

It's really hard for me to accept it. I really need to know WHY he isn't contacting me, WHY he doesn't want to be with me, didn't he feel good when we were together, does he think of me sometimes, is he going to call like he promised, why he doesn't invite me when he goes to the bar. I have so many questions and I can't calm down.

 

And now I even feel stupid for putting his gifts in a shoe box and deleting his numbers.

 

 

How can you say this when he is the cause of daily anxiety and suffering?

 

Yes, it's true, but I thought you were talking about particular situations when he did or said something that hurt me.

 

Maybe for you a better list would be a "evidence he doesn't care about me" list where you write down all the evidence that he will never want something serious with you.

 

There is no such thing like "he will never want something serious with you". I believe things can change. But I need a lot of patience.

 

Anna, since you are hell-bent on texting him, let's imagine...how will you feel in the following scenarios?:

 

1) He replies with something non-committal, doesn't ask to see you

 

2) He replies. Has sex with you. Then disappears again

 

3) He replies. Tells you he'll call you later, but doesn't.

 

4) He doesn't reply at all.

 

It is going to be one of the above. He is not going to suddenly realize you are the love of his life. He is not suddenly going to want to date you. He is not going to keep up any type of regular contact with you.

 

And you'll be back to Square One.

 

1. I'll wait and try again. I'll go to the bar and will bump into him.

 

2. I won't have sex with him. I don't want that and I can't let myself have the same relationship with him like before. I don't want now to go through the same thing again.

 

3. Same answer as to number 1.

 

4. Again, the same answer.

 

 

 

I am so sorry that I can't write what you want to read (that I'm moving on, that I'm feeling better, that I don't want to contact him). I am really sorry for disappointing you all. I know you are trying to help me and I want to thank you for taking your time and writing here.

 

I have moments when I feel very angry with him for everything and I even think that if one day he wants to date me I shouldn't give him a chance after all I've been through...

 

I need to figure out how to approach him now and what to write to him. I wish we could just talk or go out for a drink.

[elaine567]

And now I even feel stupid for putting his gifts in a shoe box and deleting his numbers.

 

Why, oh why????