I need hope

[Anna2000]

Why, oh why????

I don't know. I just felt that way today... I just thought it's too much. I don't do that and have never done this before.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's very good that you can accept things the way they are. For me not keeping in touch with him deffinitely is not the best that could happen to me.

 

It would be if you weren't so obsessed with him. If you actually tried to recover you'd discover that there's a whole world out there.

 

It's really hard for me to accept it. I really need to know WHY he isn't contacting me, WHY he doesn't want to be with me, didn't he feel good when we were together, does he think of me sometimes, is he going to call like he promised, why he doesn't invite me when he goes to the bar. I have so many questions and I can't calm down.

 

There is a 10-page thread outlining all of this. He isn't contacting you because your feelings for him are extremely uncomfortable to him. He doesn't want to be with you because he doesn't love you. He probably felt good while you were having sex, but once you developed hardcore feelings he did not feel good. He likely doesn't think of you very often and when he does, it's feelings of relief because you aren't hounding him. He's not going to call you and doesn't want you to go to the bar with him because he doesn't want to spend time with you.

 

All of this is extremely obvious, but you are so driven toward ignoring it so you can stay in the muck.

 

And now I even feel stupid for putting his gifts in a shoe box and deleting his numbers.

 

This is the only sensible thing you've done.

 

There is no such thing like "he will never want something serious with you". I believe things can change. But I need a lot of patience.

 

Yes, yes there is. You can't make someone change who doesn't want to change. And once you're a friend-with-benefits with a guy and he labels you as such mentally, the odds of you parlaying that into a committed romantic relationships are the same as jumping out of a plane without a parachute and surviving.

 

For many guys, how they perceive you is cemented on what they feel toward you the first time they have sex with you. If they see you as long-term romantic option, they'll continue to up the ante after sex. If they see you as a girl to date but not marriage material, they'll date you but not advance things forward until they find a better option/get sick of you. If you're a booty call, that's all you'll be. You aren't going to be promoted from booty call to long-term romantic partner, especially considering your clingyness. But your "chance" here is the same as winning the Powerball lottery.

 

1. I'll wait and try again. I'll go to the bar and will bump into him.

 

First part is pushy as hell. Second part is borderline stalker.

 

2. I won't have sex with him. I don't want that and I can't let myself have the same relationship with him like before. I don't want now to go through the same thing again.

 

That's literally the only shot you have of doing anything with him again. As I said before, once you're established in that role, you aren't reestablishing a new role. Maybe if you didn't see him or talk to him for at least a decade you could hit the re-set button, but even then I wouldn't count on it.

 

3. Same answer as to number 1.

 

4. Again, the same answer.

 

See above answer.

 

I am so sorry that I can't write what you want to read (that I'm moving on, that I'm feeling better, that I don't want to contact him). I am really sorry for disappointing you all. I know you are trying to help me and I want to thank you for taking your time and writing here.

 

No one expects you to be over this guy immediately, or quickly. Heartbreak doesn't erase itself overnight. Where the frustration lies with us is that you aren't really even trying to move forward. You keep rehashing the same stuff over and over.

 

I have moments when I feel very angry with him for everything and I even think that if one day he wants to date me I shouldn't give him a chance after all I've been through...

 

This is the second sensible thing you've said in this thread.

 

I need to figure out how to approach him now and what to write to him. I wish we could just talk or go out for a drink.

 

There is no strategy. It's not a linear, step-by-step process. You aren't building furniture at IKEA. The only person who can change his mind is him, and there's nothing you can do to trigger it.

[Eighty_nine]

How are you, Anna?

[Anna2000]

I think I feel even worse. The last few days were horrible. I started to cry again.

I wish he would call. It's been 33 days.

I thought of sending him a message on Facebook but a friend of mine told me to wait more.

[Toodaloo]

I think I feel even worse. The last few days were horrible. I started to cry again.

I wish he would call. It's been 33 days.

I thought of sending him a message on Facebook but a friend of mine told me to wait more.

 

Anna

 

Delete him off of your facebook. Its time.

 

This guy is now Voldermort. To get over this faster you need to cut all ties and contact with him. ALL ties and contact.

 

Stop stalking him.

 

You have done well to put that shrine away and delete his number. Next step get rid of him on facebook.

[Anna2000]

I don't want to delete him yet. I just don't like deleting people on Facebook.

 

Here's something I remembered and it made me think. In October, 2014 after the bar me and my friend went to the restaurant next to the bar for an early brekfast and later he and his friend came there and asked if they could sit with us. When we decided to go home, they invited us to go to his friend's place for a drink but we refused. Then he started insisting that they should take us home and we should share a taxi. We didn't want to so we were just walking on the streets trying to explain there is no need to, but he kept walking with us even when his friend went home. And all that time he was hugging me. Finally me and my friend got on a bus and left him (it wasn't even the bus I needed, I just wanted to escape from him). He was very annoying then and didn't want to go away (I told him many times to go home and leave us alone).

What I was thinking was that at that time he was still living with his wife (and that's why they invited us to his friend's place). He hasn't divorced, he's living with her and he goes out to a bar, meets me and invites me somewhere. Yes, maybe it would be really just for a drink... but I still don't approve this. It makes me wonder if he ever cheated on her. Also I think how I wanted him to go away then and later I was the one who started chasing him.

 

I also remember his exact words on our first date in June last year: "I've DIVORCED three months ago".

Edited March 3, 2016 by Anna2000

[ChickiePops]

Anna, until you come to terms with the fact that you were only ever a friend with benefits to him and that he will never be your boyfriend, nothing anyone says will help you.

 

You're living in a fantasy world right now.

[Toodaloo]

I don't want to delete him yet. I just don't like deleting people on Facebook.

 

You are making excuses again.

 

Come on, you can do it.

 

And as for the rest. He probably was bit of a s**t. But that is over now so you have to stop thinking about him at all.

 

Delete him off of facebook. Do it for yourself.

[Itspointless]

It makes me wonder if he ever cheated on her.

Probably.

 

Anna listen to Toodaloo.

[elaine567]

He's out with his friend picking up women, inviting them to go somewhere more "private", hugging you and refusing to take no for an answer and you wonder if he cheated on his wife????

 

NO, of course not, married men are always out looking for available women to have intellectual conversations with in private...

[Anna2000]

When I met him their relationship was at their end, they broke up a few months later so since he said the last year and a half of their relationship was horrible it is more probably that in that time he cheated. But what I was wondering is if he cheated on her before that.

 

I have days when I feel very sad and want to contact him. But lately there is this new feeling that I don't really like. I feel like I hate him sometimes and that he is not such a good person after all. I feel angry with him for some things, especially not calling after promising he will. And that's why I haven't contacted him yet - I don't want to humiliate myself anymore. He doesn't deserve my attention.

 

Yesterday he was online and he was liking and commenting posts and photos of many people, including some women and uploaded a photo from a bar with his friends. I really don't believe him he's trying to save his marriage.

And I don't understand why he never liked anything I posted. Why is he ignoring me? Am i so not interesting and not beautiful that he can't even like my post or photo?

At first I was seeing him just as a good person who is suffering after the break up and I justified everything he did and said but now I feel different. If he was that decent he would not have started this relationship with me after I told him I don't want just sex and I'm not looking for a casual relationship. He has no right using someone just to fill the space left from his wife. (I know it might not be on purpose) Or at least he must be sure that the other person has fully understood and agreed on this type of relationship. And he should have known that I'd expect more.

 

And still... no matter of these love/hate feeling I have towards him now I want to be with him.

 

I found this and it reminds me of him:

 

"I once loved a man who picked up girls in bars using Charles Bukowski quotes.

He would woo them with his wit and charm and repeat this every weekend.

I once loved a man who told every girl he had a fling with that he never wanted a serious relationship.

It was his raw and honest words that drew most women towards him.

I once loved a man who was unapologetic about the choices he made.

The hearts he broke, the beds he left.

I once loved a man who was scared of a real relationship.

He avoided anything and everyone who made his heart pound a little faster.

I once loved a man who was beautifully flawed.

He broke my heart because he knew I deserved better."

[elaine567]

If he was that decent he would not have started this relationship with me after I told him I don't want just sex and I'm not looking for a casual relationship. He has no right using someone just to fill the space left from his wife. (I know it might not be on purpose) Or at least he must be sure that the other person has fully understood and agreed on this type of relationship. And he should have known that I'd expect more.

 

 

Yes

 

"I once loved a man who picked up girls in bars using Charles Bukowski quotes.

He would woo them with his wit and charm and repeat this every weekend.

I once loved a man who told every girl he had a fling with that he never wanted a serious relationship.

It was his raw and honest words that drew most women towards him.

I once loved a man who was unapologetic about the choices he made.

The hearts he broke, the beds he left.

I once loved a man who was scared of a real relationship.

He avoided anything and everyone who made his heart pound a little faster.

I once loved a man who was beautifully flawed.

He broke my heart because he knew I deserved better."

...and yes.

But as you are finding out, it may be "romantic" to be heart broken over a cad and a bounder, but the reality of the pain and hurt felt not is so "romantic".

[Anna2000]

I feel bad. I cried today.

I miss him. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to hold him tight.

I want him to call me. I can't take it anymore. It's been 37 days.

I know it's not right and maybe I'll regret it later but I think I am going to write him tonight.

[BC1980]

Whether or not he is trying to save his marriage has no bearing on you. The bottom line is that he does not want a relationship with you. It would not matter if he got divorced; he still would not want to date you. He has made that abundantly clear. I know you think he can make you feel better if you contact him, but the feeling will be fleeting. Tomorrow, you will have to wake up and realize you are still not with him.

[elaine567]

I feel bad. I cried today.

I miss him. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to hold him tight.

I want him to call me. I can't take it anymore. It's been 37 days.

I know it's not right and maybe I'll regret it later but I think I am going to write him tonight.

Don't, just don't.

He doesn't care, he may even show it to folks in the bar for a laugh.

Just keep your dignity, he is not worth losing it for.

[Emaize3]

I understand Anna. I'm getting worse too and I think I need some answers that I never got. It's been about the same time frame for me too. I feel worse than ever!

[Anna2000]

I wrote him and he answered:

 

"Hello! Happy Women's Day! I'm fine, everything is OK! I've been on a few business trips lately. My trips are always a lot, you know. Greetings and have fun tonight!"

 

And now what... What should I write? Can I say "I would love to meet for a coffee/beer!"

[Zahara]

I wrote him and he answered:

 

"Hello! Happy Women's Day! I'm fine, everything is OK! I've been on a few business trips lately. My trips are always a lot, you know. Greetings and have fun tonight!"

 

And now what... What should I write? Can I say "I would love to meet for a coffee/beer!"

 

Please don't do this to yourself. He's not even opening the door, not even slightly. Just a cordial response. Respect yourself enough to move on from this.

[Redhead14]

I wrote him and he answered:

 

"Hello! Happy Women's Day! I'm fine, everything is OK! I've been on a few business trips lately. My trips are always a lot, you know. Greetings and have fun tonight!"

 

And now what... What should I write? Can I say "I would love to meet for a coffee/beer!"

 

Do not reply. Keep moving. These are breadcrumbs. Don't eat them.

[Anna2000]

Please don't do this to yourself. He's not even opening the door, not even slightly. Just a cordial response. Respect yourself enough to move on from this.

I was hoping he would offer a meeting...

I feel very bad and cried again.

I want to be with him. I can't take it anymore. If there isn't a chance to be with him then I would prefer to die.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wrote him and he answered:

 

"Hello! Happy Women's Day! I'm fine, everything is OK! I've been on a few business trips lately. My trips are always a lot, you know. Greetings and have fun tonight!"

 

And now what... What should I write? Can I say "I would love to meet for a coffee/beer!"

 

https://static-secure.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2013/5/22/1369229891160/headbang.gif

 

Seriously? Why the hell did you do this?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

I was hoping he would offer a meeting...

I feel very bad and cried again.

I want to be with him. I can't take it anymore. If there isn't a chance to be with him then I would prefer to die.

But he didn't. He doesn't want to meet with you. He actually does respect you enough to not keep you on the side as a fu.ck toy, so you can be grateful for that and know that it would be even harder on you if he did. But TRUST ME, there is a better guy out there for you. And when you meet him, you won't have to work 1/100th as hard for his affections and you will be amazed at how you feel. Go ahead and cry, it's good to get it out. But then take his advice and have fun tonight, whatever you're doing. Get out, have a good time.

 

Unfortunately there isn't a chance to be with him but please believe he isn't worth your life. If you are serious about your last sentence, you need professional help and NOW. I googled and if you live in Bulgaria, you can call this number. It's a depression/suicide hotline.

Sofia Hotline: 0035 9249 17 223

[ExpatInItaly]

I was hoping he would offer a meeting...

I feel very bad and cried again.

I want to be with him. I can't take it anymore. If there isn't a chance to be with him then I would prefer to die.

 

We all warned you this would happen. Please, take our word for it next time. You can see that we do know what we are talking about.

 

You need to contact a professional therapist. This attachment has very little to do with him, and much more to do with you. Your suffering is disproportionate to the actual time you spent with this man. A good counselor will be able to help you sort through these issues so that you stop projecting them on to him. It's time to be kind to yourself and get qualified medical support.

[Zahara]

I was hoping he would offer a meeting...

I feel very bad and cried again.

I want to be with him. I can't take it anymore. If there isn't a chance to be with him then I would prefer to die.

 

You would prefer to die -- you'd prefer to exterminate years of your life, decades of life that may at some point offer you possibilities for a family, a husband, children, a career, a home, family vacations, etc. over 5 months with some guy you never even had a real relationship with? Do you see how warped this is? He's a liar and a cheat. You'd end your life for that?

 

Suicide. Permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

I would have some understanding if this man cared and loved you, treated you well in the relationship and made you feel valued. But he didn't. It was never even a relationship. What are you willing to die for? Explain please.

[Anna2000]

I've been thinking before about this - not wanting to go on with life if there isn't a chance. That's why I NEED advice how to act, what to do and what to say to have some chance or at least not to drive him further away. Please!