I need hope

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been thinking before about this - not wanting to go on with life if there isn't a chance. That's why I NEED advice how to act, what to do and what to say to have some chance or at least not to drive him further away. Please!

 

We can't give you that. It's not possible because he is acting on his own free will. You can't control his heart or mind.

 

Please make use of the emergency hotline someone provided you above.

[Zahara]

I've been thinking before about this - not wanting to go on with life if there isn't a chance. That's why I NEED advice how to act, what to do and what to say to have some chance or at least not to drive him further away. Please!

 

IT'S OVER. IT'S DONE.

 

The only thing you need to act on is getting professional help. This is not normal. Your obsession and inability to decipher between reality and fantasy is worrisome. You're not even attempting to absorb and reflect on what anyone is saying. There is no attempt to think, to step back and even for a minute accept that there is something wrong and not even an inkling of you realizing you're being destructive. Just this blind rushing into brick walls.

 

There is nothing more to do in terms of making him want you. The only focus now is moving on and accepting that it has run its course.

Edited March 8, 2016 by Zahara

[Itspointless]

I want to be with him. I can't take it anymore. If there isn't a chance to be with him then I would prefer to die.

I felt so bad in the past because of breakups that dying seemed an option, but I really never wanted to die, I am way to proud for that and knew things would be better again at some point. I think you know just as I did that it will. For now you have to be strong.

 

Call that number and please search help for your self-esteem issues. You can do so much better for you and if you do you eventually you will find a man who really cares about you.

[Anna2000]

I have the urge to tell him how my feelings for him are not going away, that I suffer and cry a lot, think about him every day and I miss him. Would like to ask him again if there will be a chance for us in the future or if he could give me advice what to do. I would also like to remind him that he promised he'll call and that I believed him and waited for him. I want to remind him that I told him I want him to be a part of my life and I would be very happy if we could spend an evening together from time to time. And I want to ask him why his answer is cold and formal without even an option for me to answer. He didn't even ask anything about me.

I know this is the worst thing I could do.

 

But I would probably write something like this: "I'm glad that everything's fine with you. Do you have a free evening and would you like to drink beer with me?"

[TaraMaiden2]

How about you write nothing at all...?

 

You might wish you could, now, but you'll be guaranteed to regret it in the long run.

[Simon Phoenix]

I have the urge to tell him how my feelings for him are not going away, that I suffer and cry a lot, think about him every day and I miss him. Would like to ask him again if there will be a chance for us in the future or if he could give me advice what to do. I would also like to remind him that he promised he'll call and that I believed him and waited for him. I want to remind him that I told him I want him to be a part of my life and I would be very happy if we could spend an evening together from time to time. And I want to ask him why his answer is cold and formal without even an option for me to answer. He didn't even ask anything about me.

I know this is the worst thing I could do.

 

But I would probably write something like this: "I'm glad that everything's fine with you. Do you have a free evening and would you like to drink beer with me?"

 

You aren't even trying are you?

[Anna2000]

I want to be with him. This is what I am trying to do.

 

Maybe I shouldn't write here for a while. I know you want to help, but I told you I want advice how to act to increase my chances.

[TaraMaiden2]

True. You've had 13 pages of 'Give up, it's a no-brainer' and you've studiously ignored everyone.

Including him.

So, perhaps you're right, you shouldn't post here any more.....

[elaine567]

I have the urge to tell him how my feelings for him are not going away, that I suffer and cry a lot, think about him every day and I miss him. Would like to ask him again if there will be a chance for us in the future or if he could give me advice what to do.

The problem with YOUR feelings are that they are YOUR feelings. He may feel "Aw, that is a shame", but YOU feeling bad, doesn't make him feel bad, YOU suffering and crying has no effect on him, why should it?

If you were two people who loved each other wrenched apart by circumstance then both may feel bad, but he ended it with you, he doesn't love you, he may not even like you any more, so why would he feel bad?

In fact many guys hate women crying, it is a real turn off and reeks of manipulation.

Thinking you can force people into caring for you by showing them how much YOU hurt, doesn't work.

 

 

I would also like to remind him that he promised he'll call and that I believed him and waited for him.

You were well aware that "I'll call" doesn't mean anything, it is just something dumpers say to sugar coat the break up. So why have you set so much store on it?

A man who wants you, calls you, he texts you, he wants to spend time with you and he makes time to spend with you.

Men who DON'T want you, DON'T call.

 

I want to remind him that I told him *I* want him to be a part of my life and *I* would be very happy if we could spend an evening together from time to time.

What YOU want and what HE wants are two different things.

Why would he want to spend time with you?

YOU are his ex, the person he dumped.

He is either working on his marriage and patching stuff up with his wife, or exploring pastures new. Where do you honestly think you fit in to that?

 

 

And I want to ask him why his answer is cold and formal without even an option for me to answer. He didn't even ask anything about me.

Does that not tell you something? He doesn't want to lead you on, he wants to keep everything cold and formal so you do not get the wrong idea, so why ARE you getting the wrong idea?

 

 

But I would probably write something like this: "I'm glad that everything's fine with you. Do you have a free evening and would you like to drink beer with me?"

Do not bother. He dumped you, he holds the cards, he needs to make the first move.

BUT if you ask him, he will give you some non committal answer,

"Yes, sounds good, we'll arrange something",

"Bit busy just now, but sure, we'll catch up"

"I may see you at the bar, sometime"

YOU will then have to try to pin him down to a date and time... Don't do it.

 

Sometimes in life we have to realise that no matter how much we want someone, if they do not feel the same, then we simply have to give up and move on to someone else.

[Simon Phoenix]

I want to be with him. This is what I am trying to do.

 

Maybe I shouldn't write here for a while. I know you want to help, but I told you I want advice how to act to increase my chances.

 

You can't. He doesn't want to be with you and you can't bully, trick, manipulate or fool him into changing his mind. You don't actually love him -- he's an obsession to you, a possession. You don't care what he wants -- you just want what you want. That's not healthy.

[theklonclu]

OP, I didn't read your whole note but just having gone through the first three paragraphs, I could have told you that you're just a rebound. He's looking to have some sex, be seen with a pretty girl and just use you as a temporary balm for his recent tragedy.

 

That being said you're wrong for being naive and not understanding the warning signs BUT he's not completely off the hook either. If he was an ounce of a gentleman (which I'm doubting he is), he would have known that he's preying on you and taking you for a ride because you were being gullible.

 

No one's perfect, just take the lesson and move on, the sooner you realize that you were only and ever going to be his rebound, the faster you'll recover. Chin up!

[ExpatInItaly]

I want to be with him. This is what I am trying to do.

 

Maybe I shouldn't write here for a while. I know you want to help, but I told you I want advice how to act to increase my chances.

 

I agree, it's probably not a good idea for you to post here for a little bit. We simply cannot give you the answers you're looking for, because we cannot control what he wants. If you want support moving forward with your own life, we can offer plenty of good advice. If you expect us to fuel your toxic obsession, you're wasting your time.

 

Stop trying to play God with him. He is a free individual. just as you are. You need to start respecting other people's boundaries instead of focusing on what you want and what you feel.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

I want to be with him. This is what I am trying to do.

 

Maybe I shouldn't write here for a while. I know you want to help, but I told you I want advice how to act to increase my chances.

Okay, my advice to you on how to increase your chances:

 

Leave him alone and play it cool. He MAY, in some alternate universe and with a LOT of luck, change his mind about you. But that will *NEVER* happen if you fall apart and blubber to him. It will *ONLY* happen if you play it cool and leave him alone for a long time. Go live your life, that's the best way to show him what he's missing out on.

[Toodaloo]

You can't. He doesn't want to be with you and you can't bully, trick, manipulate or fool him into changing his mind. You don't actually love him -- he's an obsession to you, a possession. You don't care what he wants -- you just want what you want. That's not healthy.

 

And it sure as heck is not "love".

 

So I am game. You want him back Anna.

 

At the moment he sees you as a pathetic pain in the back side who is mad and a total waste of time. He may even be contemplating a restraining order.

 

Its going to take 2-3 years before you can complete your transformation properly. So if you really want this you need to commit to not contacting him in any way shape or form for at least that amount of time. No facebook, twitter, google searches, not contacting his friends or family for updates about him. No phone calls, no texts. Nothing. Nadda. Cold turkey here because you have a lot to do to win him back.

 

So this is what you do.

 

You cut contact for now and the forseeable future. He needs to see a total 180 when he sees you again. You must not under any circumstances contact him in any way while you work on this. It has to be all or nothing. This is vital to the plan.

 

You go to a doctor and seek help for what is clearly a medical condition. No one likes a blubbering needy mess to have to mop up.

 

You concentrate on educating yourself, work and getting a better job. You really need to get high grades in any subjects you study and you need to get really productive and good at any job you do. Even if its cleaning. You can't be substandard. You have to be the best there is at it.

 

You concentrate on getting fit and healthy. That means eating properly and exercise. Really important as no one wants a person who is unfit or unhealthy.

 

You look after your hair, skin and nails.

 

You invest in your spiritual health by volunteering for charitable projects and helping those worse off than you.

 

You invest in friendships so that you can show you have an active social life and you learn how to discuss a number of subjects with ease and confidence.

 

You learn how to entertain others with meals etc. You learn how to act with poise and grace at social functions and in public settings.

 

You invest and look after your home. Redecorating and restyling it as appropriate in your style.

 

You must however remove everything about him. You must develop your own opinions and styles. He may not like them but he will respect them which has a far greater impact. It is impact you will need. You can not allow him to see any hankering after him at all in any way shape or form.

 

If you concentrate on all of this what you will be left with is a confident, independent, accomplished, humanitarian and highly attractive woman, who is capable and strong. Who would be able to resist that?

 

Its hard work Anna... very hard work... are you sure you are up to it?

 

Because if you are not then you need to do what we have all said all along.

[TheArtist]

Oh Anna m'dear, you're coming unravelled like a cheap Christmas jumper. You need to do what Toodaloo just said, or completely cut him from your life and your thoughts.

 

In addition to Toodaloo's post, you also need to make it look like you're a little less available. I mean, don't try to make him jealous, that's a mind game, but don't start draping yourself all over him in a kind of, 'Look at my mind now, doesn't it compliment my new figure, hmm?', whenever you see him because then you're back to the FWB thing. Just come across like you're doing great without actually saying it.

 

I think you'll find that if you follow the advice to be a better person for a few months you'll discover other people, more available people, that are a better fit than even he was. To be honest, he doesn't sound all that much to me anyway, he's potentially cheating on his wife and who would want someone like that, right?

 

Focus on you and no one else right now!

[Bee4Shine]

I hear your struggle and it is very real. The problem is, everything you are "planning" is still all about him. It is not really moving on. Your plan is to wait and change yourself and do all these things to go back to him. He really has been clear and honest with you, and you would be better off to move on. A different direction, a new direction. You were right that sex for the sake of sex is not good. In fact, sex without a commitment is tragic and leads to heart ache. That is what you said at the beginning when you met him. Can you process that more in your heart? Can you follow that intuition in your next relationship. Marriage can be so amazing, knowing there is a strong commitment to you and all that means. It sounds like you are a person who is seeking a "real" relationship. Maybe you need to take the time to find out who you are and what you really want. Hugs friend.

[ChickiePops]

I want to be with him. This is what I am trying to do.

 

Maybe I shouldn't write here for a while. I know you want to help, but I told you I want advice how to act to increase my chances.

 

There's nothing you can do. You cannot force someone to want you.

[Venn]

Anna he's not worth it... when you start to know someone is not worth it, then it is time to move on... he just used you for sex... it's all... just like my fling from 3 months ago... she used me to cheat his boyfriend in order for him to be jealous... when I knew I was used like that, my tears were not worth for her anymore... now the hardest to let go was my ex of 6 years T.T... when I showed her how I replaced her with this worthless girl that used me to cheat... she's moved on because of it T.T... just remember... if he/she is not worth it, you can free yourself already.

[Eighty_nine]

I want to be with him. This is what I am trying to do.

 

Maybe I shouldn't write here for a while. I know you want to help, but I told you I want advice how to act to increase my chances.

 

the best thing you can do to increase your chances is stay NO CONTACT with him.

[Blanco]

OP should look at it this way: A collection of strangers on this forum are more emotionally invested in the OP than this guy is.

[elaine567]

OP should look at it this way: A collection of strangers on this forum are more emotionally invested in the OP than this guy is.

 

Very good point!

[Anna2000]

I've been crying a lot for the last five days and I can't feel better. I invited him to meet each other but there is still no answer. I will probably start begging and crying again. I want to ask him not to ignore me. I really want to see him and hold him and I can't wait anymore.

[elaine567]

I've been crying a lot for the last five days and I can't feel better. I invited him to meet each other but there is still no answer. I will probably start begging and crying again. I want to ask him not to ignore me. I really want to see him and hold him and I can't wait anymore.

 

^^^This is utter madness.

 

Relationships are about TWO people, this man has made it abundantly clear he wants NOTHING to do with YOU, you have to stay away from him.

He is not a doll you pick up when YOU feel like it, he is a human being with thoughts and feelings, he doesn't care for you, he doesn't want to even talk to you. Leave him alone.

[Anna2000]

He is not a doll you pick up when YOU feel like it, he is a human being with thoughts and feelings, he doesn't care for you, he doesn't want to even talk to you. Leave him alone.

And what about my feelings? What to do with my feelings? I cry, I suffer, I'm waiting and I want to meet him. He knows that. HE PROMISED TO CALL. Why didn't he do as he promised? And why he wanted to be with me and was with me and suddenly will stop wanting this?

[Anna2000]

I want us to be friends - to go out, talk, drink beer, be there for each other. Is it so hard?