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Day 4 of NC.


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How do they manage to rearrange them so they don't feel the pain we do, as dumpee's? I guess they have just fallen out of love over time, and we didn't notice.

 

I think that's exactly it... Their "grieving" period started way earlier - many times subconsciously. Even without being aware of it, their brains are already getting used to the idea of being without their partners. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, she was given six months to live. Obviously our grieving period started that same day. Six months later, when she passed away, many wondered why I wasn't completely devastated... at the time of that final separation, my mind was somewhat prepared for it. So, in the case of a heartbreak, the dumper's brain most likely had plenty of time to slowly adapt to the separation, while in the dumpee's brain, it's just like a brand new fresh wound.

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blackbird_brokenwing
I think that's exactly it... Their "grieving" period started way earlier - many times subconsciously. Even without being aware of it, their brains are already getting used to the idea of being without their partners. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, she was given six months to live. Obviously our grieving period started that same day. Six months later, when she passed away, many wondered why I wasn't completely devastated... at the time of that final separation, my mind was somewhat prepared for it. So, in the case of a heartbreak, the dumper's brain most likely had plenty of time to slowly adapt to the separation, while in the dumpee's brain, it's just like a brand new fresh wound.

I've been asking myself this same question. But in my circumstance, I was broken up with in a moment of anger after a huge fight. I know she wasn't planning on that and hadn't prepared her brain or anything for being without me... so I have to believe she's grieving and missing me too? :(

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Toodaloo and DarkHorizon, sounds like you have both been through the ringer at various times in your lives, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope life just keeps getting better for you.

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I think that's exactly it... Their "grieving" period started way earlier - many times subconsciously. Even without being aware of it, their brains are already getting used to the idea of being without their partners. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, she was given six months to live. Obviously our grieving period started that same day. Six months later, when she passed away, many wondered why I wasn't completely devastated... at the time of that final separation, my mind was somewhat prepared for it. So, in the case of a heartbreak, the dumper's brain most likely had plenty of time to slowly adapt to the separation, while in the dumpee's brain, it's just like a brand new fresh wound.

 

Hit the nail on the head. If you reflect you will see a lot of signs they were disconnecting slowly, usually a month or 2 before they ended it. They might get closer with some of their friends. Maybe hang out at home without you a night or 2 more than they used to. Maybe they pick up a new hobby that doesn't include you. Maybe they are a little shorter with phone calls or text convo's. All the signs are usually there....

 

When I was disconnecting and thinking something was off with my relationship I started to find other girls attractive when normally I would just see them as another girl because I was in love with my then girlfriend. I started trying to find an opportunity here and there to go into a social setting without my girlfriend. I started reconnecting with my friends more and spending more time with them. It was very, very gradual until I was more checked out then checked in.....then came the "We need to talk."

 

After reflection I recall all the same signs mentioned above from my current ex who broke it off with me.

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day 1 of nc and its no bothering me my mum always said i must donate my used toys to them who dont have alot

 

it was hard and still is hard but i will get over it in the end and will get better i know it will

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Hi, guys.

 

So I'm restarting NC after yesterday and I have to say, I do not know why but I feel worse than I did those previous days of NC. I went to reread what my ex sent me via e-mail yesterday during our conversation and I noticed she said some things that I did not read. "I DO NOT feel the same way I did". This obviously hurts and she's said it before to me but then weeks later told me she did love me, so it's confusing and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. She has explained to me before that it is easy for her to cauterize feelings after she was r*ped two years ago, but that's baloney. If someone truly loved you they wouldn't be able to get rid of any feelings for you.

 

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm drained inside and exhausted. I'm fighting with my brain because for some reason my brain wants to reminisce all the good times I had with her. Then it convinces me, "I will never find another like her" and I start to list everything and tick all these boxes that she had that I was looking for in a woman. It's really sad, I'm annoying myself by doing it. I guess I've hit a weak moment I just hope it doesn't last very long.

 

 

Start of NC - 03/02/2016.

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I've been asking myself this same question. But in my circumstance, I was broken up with in a moment of anger after a huge fight. I know she wasn't planning on that and hadn't prepared her brain or anything for being without me... so I have to believe she's grieving and missing me too? :(

 

The fight itself is one thing, but we all know that when it comes to serious breakups, there are several other factors that were played in the background for quite sometime. I don't think many people who truly love simply walk out of a relationship for good because of a single fight. If you want reconciliation and you believe it is realistic, leave the door of communication open, so she can reach out to you if she wants it. If that's not what you want, go full NC and the question about her grieving or missing you is completely irrelevant.

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Toodaloo and DarkHorizon, sounds like you have both been through the ringer at various times in your lives, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope life just keeps getting better for you.

 

It is because we get up and get going...

 

Life is grand at the moment! I am enjoying it and have lasted a heck of a lot longer than the 6 months I was given!

 

The grieving process is one we all go through. The sooner you can get to acceptance the better.

 

Each person is different but I have always found that if I get bloody minded and determined I can achieve far more than if I sit around thinking about it.

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Hit the nail on the head. If you reflect you will see a lot of signs they were disconnecting slowly, usually a month or 2 before they ended it. They might get closer with some of their friends. Maybe hang out at home without you a night or 2 more than they used to. Maybe they pick up a new hobby that doesn't include you. Maybe they are a little shorter with phone calls or text convo's. All the signs are usually there....

 

When I was disconnecting and thinking something was off with my relationship I started to find other girls attractive when normally I would just see them as another girl because I was in love with my then girlfriend. I started trying to find an opportunity here and there to go into a social setting without my girlfriend. I started reconnecting with my friends more and spending more time with them. It was very, very gradual until I was more checked out then checked in.....then came the "We need to talk."

 

After reflection I recall all the same signs mentioned above from my current ex who broke it off with me.

 

When I look back at my previous relationship... I see the exact same signs. She just wasn't as present anymore. By the time I made concrete steps to change (counseling, stop drinking, etc.) she even said "It is a bit too late now". Obviously I still kept trying to win her heart back.

 

Once I heard from a therapist that the "incubation" period is, in average, six months - in a long term relationship, of course.

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The fight itself is one thing, but we all know that when it comes to serious breakups, there are several other factors that were played in the background for quite sometime. I don't think many people who truly love simply walk out of a relationship for good because of a single fight. If you want reconciliation and you believe it is realistic, leave the door of communication open, so she can reach out to you if she wants it. If that's not what you want, go full NC and the question about her grieving or missing you is completely irrelevant.

 

Yes, another great piece of advice from DarkHorizon. A break up after a fight can usually be reconciled. Tempers and emotions were high and people overreacted. Give a few days...reach out to the other person and ask them if they can meet you somewhere and talk it out, say your piece, apologize and then the ball is in their court. If they don't want to meet then give them some space and maybe they will come around when the dust has settled.

 

If not...NC time.

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When I look back at my previous relationship... I see the exact same signs. She just wasn't as present anymore. By the time I made concrete steps to change (counseling, stop drinking, etc.) she even said "It is a bit too late now". Obviously I still kept trying to win her heart back.

 

Once I heard from a therapist that the "incubation" period is, in average, six months - in a long term relationship, of course.

 

What do you mean by incubation period? The period when the other person starts disconnecting?

 

When I think about when I broke up with my then fiance...the thoughts that something wasn't right would pop up here and there for maybe 6 months to a year, but they were infrequent and I pushed them aside.

 

It's kind of like a like a ratio....I was 5 out 95 in...then gradually 20/80, 30/70, etc. and then a month or 2 before the breakup I was almost completely checked out. I was playing the role until I was ready to make the move.

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There were definitely signs with me too, but we had had a long rough patch and I thought of them more to do with that than checking out. It scares me, because I still have some (false?) hope left that we may eventually be able to reconcile based on things she said, but the realisation that she was becoming less invested in us may signal not.

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What do you mean by incubation period? The period when the other person starts disconnecting?

 

Yup!

 

It's really a sad process for the other person (the dumpee). We can do our very best, but there is absolutely nothing that can really revive that love. And you can see, feel... that your partner is withdrawing. The more I tried to reconnect with her, the more she accused me of acting clingy and desperate. We go in denial mode, believing that things can go back to what they were. As you wisely phrased it on another thread... "by then the ship has sailed".

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What do you mean by incubation period? The period when the other person starts disconnecting?

 

When I think about when I broke up with my then fiance...the thoughts that something wasn't right would pop up here and there for maybe 6 months to a year, but they were infrequent and I pushed them aside.

 

It's kind of like a like a ratio....I was 5 out 95 in...then gradually 20/80, 30/70, etc. and then a month or 2 before the breakup I was almost completely checked out. I was playing the role until I was ready to make the move.

 

I was "checked out" of my last relationship around 9 months before the actual split. Probably made it easier.

 

the ones that have ended where it has been a shock to either myself or them... in every single case the signs were there and they were flashing loud and clear. The dumpee (either myself or my ex) just chose to ignore it. makes it harder when it happens.

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So I'm restarting NC after yesterday and I have to say, I do not know why but I feel worse than I did those previous days of NC. I went to reread what my ex sent me via e-mail yesterday during our conversation and I noticed she said some things that I did not read.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm drained inside and exhausted. I'm fighting with my brain because for some reason my brain wants to reminisce all the good times I had with her. Then it convinces me, "I will never find another like her" and I start to list everything and tick all these boxes that she had that I was looking for in a woman. It's really sad, I'm annoying myself by doing it. I guess I've hit a weak moment I just hope it doesn't last very long.

 

I am so sorry, Apparition. But it is true... every single time NC is broken, the pain is just intensified. Like reopening a wound. It bleeds again. Then there are more memories, ruminating thoughts, second guessing, wondering... all the stuff the ego was craving and missing. Really, if you keep poking that wound it will NEVER heal :( Now that you went NC again, the healing process restarted from zero. With that in mind, distract yourself as much as possible - your mind can't focus on two things at once. But you already know it will take time. And keep reminding yourself that breaking NC will always result in greater suffering.

 

We are all here for you.

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Thanks, Dark.

 

 

As you guys were discussing before, my ex didn't disconnect slowly for six months because we literally just a few weeks ago had a full month of sex everyday. I do not know why I keep analyzing the situation but I feel I have been used, if that makes sense? Imagine if a guy did this to a girl, imagine if the guy had sex with her for a month then decided to cut contact, the guy would have hell to pay for and would be seen as the devil but because the shoe is on the other foot there is apparently nothing wrong with it.

 

Also, I believe 9 times out of 10 dumpers always come back because they go through the grieving process at a later stage than the dumpee's. At the time they think it's right and they don't feel anything, but the truth is everyone is human and no matter if it's a year to five years to ten years, dumpers did invest time and feeling into the relationship so they are bound to grieve at some stage. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not be next week or next month or next year but some day and somehow, whether it is because they have been treated badly by a current partner, whether it's because they feel lonely, whether it's because a simple something reminded them of you, it will hit them like a brick in the face and they will feel what we felt. At least some of it. They will miss us one day and realize what a loss they had. Perhaps they will try to reconcile and by my experience and also being around people who have had it happened to, they do mostly reach out but it's too late most of the time because the dumpee grieved and moved on. It's a sad situation but I strongly believe in karma.

 

 

What do you guys think?

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Thanks, Dark.

 

 

As you guys were discussing before, my ex didn't disconnect slowly for six months because we literally just a few weeks ago had a full month of sex everyday. I do not know why I keep analyzing the situation but I feel I have been used, if that makes sense? Imagine if a guy did this to a girl, imagine if the guy had sex with her for a month then decided to cut contact, the guy would have hell to pay for and would be seen as the devil but because the shoe is on the other foot there is apparently nothing wrong with it.

 

Also, I believe 9 times out of 10 dumpers always come back because they go through the grieving process at a later stage than the dumpee's.

 

Apparition.

 

Did she ever ask for help with chores that she ended up doing while you forgot or didn't get round to?

 

Were there times when she said she wanted to go out more and feel special but it didn't happen?

 

Did she ever nag or complain? Those are your signs...

 

I was having sex all the time with my ex. Right up until one evening 9 months before we split up.

 

My previous exes I had sex several times a day right up until the end...

 

99% of the time dumpers don't come back at all. Fact.

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Toodaloo, nope. I promise you I made her feel special all the time and she even told me a couple weeks ago I make her feel "beautiful". I'll give you an example.

 

When she was on her period I would make her stay in bed, fill her up a hot water bottle, go out and buy her tampons, her favourite dark chocolates, and a bunch of other snacks she loved. I would sit for hours playing with her hair until she fell asleep and then go downstairs to the bathroom to run her a warm bath. I would literally CARRY her to the bathroom when she woke up and I know this sounds cheesy as f*ck but it was our thing, it was something I did for her because I know how much pain she would be in. She had problems with her uterus, it's a disease, so her period would feel worse and I wanted to make her feel better. Anything she asked of me I would always do.

 

There was no times she wanted to go out and it didn't happen, it was mostly her that wanted to stay in and I would buy her bottle of wine on my way home from work. She wanted to watch shows, documentaries or movies and we would. We usually always ended up having sex after.

 

Anyway, it wasn't all happy, we did have some issues that needed fixing and I attempted to fix them but I was the only one doing so.

 

From my experience, every ex I have had has came back. My first serious relationship ended (she dumped me) and she came back several times to ask if I wanted her back and how she loved me but I had moved on.

 

My second serious relationship - she came back literally after two weeks and wanted to give things another go but I wasn't interested because she was crazy jealous and it was draining to live with.

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Thanks, Dark.

 

 

As you guys were discussing before, my ex didn't disconnect slowly for six months because we literally just a few weeks ago had a full month of sex everyday. I do not know why I keep analyzing the situation but I feel I have been used, if that makes sense? Imagine if a guy did this to a girl, imagine if the guy had sex with her for a month then decided to cut contact, the guy would have hell to pay for and would be seen as the devil but because the shoe is on the other foot there is apparently nothing wrong with it.

 

Also, I believe 9 times out of 10 dumpers always come back because they go through the grieving process at a later stage than the dumpee's. At the time they think it's right and they don't feel anything, but the truth is everyone is human and no matter if it's a year to five years to ten years, dumpers did invest time and feeling into the relationship so they are bound to grieve at some stage. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not be next week or next month or next year but some day and somehow, whether it is because they have been treated badly by a current partner, whether it's because they feel lonely, whether it's because a simple something reminded them of you, it will hit them like a brick in the face and they will feel what we felt. At least some of it. They will miss us one day and realize what a loss they had. Perhaps they will try to reconcile and by my experience and also being around people who have had it happened to, they do mostly reach out but it's too late most of the time because the dumpee grieved and moved on. It's a sad situation but I strongly believe in karma.

 

 

What do you guys think?

 

Yaaaaa....sounds nice, but I don't think this is the usual case. Trust me, she disconnected slowly. Once you have some time away from it and reflect you will probably see the signs. If you don't see the signs then maybe they were completely internal and she didn't show them, but she was definitely emotionally detaching. My ex and I slept together for months after the breakup. We acted like we were still together, but I feel like it was her kind of weening herself off the relationship and me.

 

When I've been the dumper the grieving was done before the breakup. Ya, it was sad to finally end it and the breakup was then a reality, but it's what I wanted, so the pain was minimal and I was prepared for it. There was way more guilt for me when I broke it off, but my new girlfriend helped mask that guilt.

 

When it's over, it's over. I think that dumpers may grieve a little later in some circumstances, but I really doubt it's enough to come back. Usually, they are entertained by there new freedom or the next person they meet.

 

I still talk to all my ex's here and there. Obviously not the most recent. So ya, they "come back," but for many reasons, but usually not because they want you back. They are curious, want to be friends, need to get laid, lol there are a ton of reasons....."not, oh I grieved later and now I want you back."

 

Just my opinion/experience.

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Yes... besides a little Christmas note, I never heard back from my ex.

After four years, I confronted her about emotional cheating and she just left that same evening never to come back. She is so proud and immature that, even if there is any guilt involved, I doubt she will ever reach out again. Since the other guy lives in Europe, I imagine they write to each other all day, and she's getting all the validation she needs to ease any possible guilt that way.

 

But who knows, she might reach out one dark day months or years from now.

Me? I am not waiting for it.

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I have a funny story, actually.

 

 

Women I have dated but not essentially been in an official relationship with - they always come back too. There was this one girl, Brianda, she and I had a sexual thing going on and she wanted more. I was not feeling it so we spoke about it and decided to cut contact. A few months later she came back and wanted to be "friends", she still hit on me but I eventually cut contact due to the fact she was seeing someone yet still trying to sleep with me. I don't deal with women like that.

 

 

Another woman I had a "thing" with was Heather who was older than me and had a child. We started off as friends and I felt sorry for her because she claimed her ex-husband beat her. When I showed her any attention, she would latch onto it and make it into more than it was. Reason I quoted "thing" was because it wasn't to me. She confessed she loved me after three months of talking and that made me cut contact. She came back after two weeks and told me she would "wait" for me.

 

So, every single woman I have been with even non-serious, they have always came back. Like I said, some come back too late when the dumpee has moved on. Some come back just because they miss you. Some come back just to see if they are sure they don't feel anything. There is different reasons like you said, Brando. But in my eyes, they do come back.

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I think you have been incredibly lucky Apparition, or you obviously have something to offer that most people don't. I don't think most people look back once they have decided to move on, it happens sometimes of course, but I don't think it's usually likely. Still hoping it happens to me though lol

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