Feelings for my FWB

[VintageWine]

It's one of those "feelings for FWB" situation

 

I meet this guy who has been my FWB since last year. The thing is, we were dating for a few weeks and I grew some feelings for him. However, we can't be in a relationship at all considering of how our cultures are so different, not that I mind it honestly, just that for him he wants a girlfriend who is of his background and culture (Jewish) he also knew after a few weeks of dating that his parents wouldn't approve of us. He didn't want to string me along so he had to call off the dating. I honestly don't even know what else could have made me fall for him/develop feelings for him within a few weeks of dating besides something triggering some type of spark that he can be a potential boyfriend.

 

Fast forward to now he now claims that he would like to grow a friendship with me even though he knows we can't be in a relationship with each other. A part of me knows that if a relationship can't happen then a friendship relationship can happen and it's always good to have a friend. But....there's that lingering hope somewhere in me that's hoping if we become friends then something can happen. I've been trying to go on dates with other guys through OLD but no one really catches my interest the way my FWB did besides this one guy but with this other guy that caught my interest but it was like "this guy is cute af until he opens his mouth" so there's that.

 

My FWB also knows that my feelings for him exist, he understands that feelings don't go away overnight, me getting feelings for him wasn't intentions he says and he also hopes that eventually I can see him as just another guy but it's been a struggle for me lately.

 

Like, I really love the sex with him with the no strings attached but then there's that part of me that wants more than just sex. I love sex and all but at the same time romance to me is just better than a relationship that it's just sex.

 

Another thing is that hanging out with him. I didn't bring this topic up to him in deep detail it's just that if he is my friend with benefits I don't want just that benefits part, I want someone I can hangout with outside the bedroom, I just don't know if I can do that without getting more feelings for him. The whole thing is just a weird situation.

 

I've been trying to go on dates with others but like I said, I'm not feeling it and even though I have another FWB as well, it's still tricky.

[d0nnivain]

I would stop the benefits or take the plunge & try to date. To continue to have sex, which releases a chemical that bonds you to your lover, if there is no hope of a future is just torturing yourself.

[central]

I agree with the above. I think you should date, even if the prospects don't seem great. Experience helps with future dating and selection, even so. Eventually, you will meet someone who makes you forget your FWB.

 

 

You probably can be friends, but the longer you have sex (especially if it's only with him), the harder it will be to lose the feelings that have developed. If you could stop the romantic feelings, then I'd say you could continue both the friendship and the benefits. There is no future with him - he's too tied to his culture and his family's wishes to be more than a friend or FWB.

[LostOnes05]

So in his culture it's ok to have no strings attached sex with you, but not a relationship?? His parents would approve of him sleeping with you but not a relationship??Read that over and over and let it sink in. Sounds like hogwash to me.

[stillafool]

So in his culture it's ok to have no strings attached sex with you, but not a relationship?? His parents would approve of him sleeping with you but not a relationship??Read that over and over and let it sink in. Sounds like hogwash to me.

 

I think OP agreed to this arrangement as well. He didn't force her to become his FWB. She accepted the relationship and now she wants more and he does not.

 

Unfortunately, this is what happens with FWB relationships. The woman seems to always want more and the man does not. I wish women would stop fooling themselves that this is what they want.

 

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this but he cannot be your friend and it is best that you stop all contact with him and move on. He is not going to change his mind about you plus it doesn't seem like his feeling for you are matching yours for him. Do not get into anymore FWB type relationships with future men because this seems to be the way it ends.

[hasaquestion]

Unfortunately, this is what happens with FWB relationships. The woman seems to always want more and the man does not. I wish women would stop fooling themselves that this is what they want.

 

This asymmetry is cool because its numerically intuitive.

 

For men, there's a small subset of people they actually want to date. Then there's a bunch they'd sleep with, depending on blood alcohol content, but wouldn't date.

 

For women, there's also a small subset of people they actually want to date. But those are also by and large the people they want to sleep with. There are exceptions ("he's good on paper but...", "he's cute but dumb as a stump") but compared to men, they are negligible.

 

So it follows mathematically that you randomly draw men and women who are willing to sleep with each other, you're going to get a lot more instances of "she'd date him, he wouldn't date her" than "he'd date her, she wouldn't date him".

[BettyDraper]

This asymmetry is cool because its numerically intuitive.

 

For men, there's a small subset of people they actually want to date. Then there's a bunch they'd sleep with, depending on blood alcohol content, but wouldn't date.

 

For women, there's also a small subset of people they actually want to date. But those are also by and large the people they want to sleep with. There are exceptions ("he's good on paper but...", "he's cute but dumb as a stump") but compared to men, they are negligible.

 

So it follows mathematically that you randomly draw men and women who are willing to sleep with each other, you're going to get a lot more instances of "she'd date him, he wouldn't date her" than "he'd date her, she wouldn't date him".

 

This. It's also because women are emotionally driven when it comes to sex while men find it much easier to compartmentalize sex and emotions.

 

OP, now you know that you are not the type of woman who will not catch feelings when you have sex. Nothing wrong with that but let this situation be a lesson to you. Cut off this man and only have sex when you are in a relationship from now on.

[VintageWine]

After hours of being away from this thread that I created, I took the time to think and talk to a close friend of mine that also knows the situation. I finally came to inner peace tonight after hours of conversation with my close friend on this.

 

Before I go on you guys might think I'm crazy, even I think I'm crazy for feeling this way but please hear me out first. Me and my FWB only known each other since last year for a month and a half. We were dating like I said in my OP something sparked something in me that just said potential boyfriend. I don't know what, it just happened.

 

But fast forward to now and the conversation I had with my close friend. I told my friend how it's hard for me to break it off with my FWB because I keep going back to him and I realized why. The reason I keep going back to him is because it gives me this false hope of being together, the physical activities that we do makes it feel for me that we are a couple and honestly I don't feel okay doing that to him nor myself. Another thing that I realized is that with my other FWB that I have no feelings for, that I've known for two years, I love the sex with him but compare to my FWB that I have feelings for, the FWB that I have feelings for the sex feels perfect. Sex is perfection with him and then my friend said how "obviously, there's a difference in f*cking and making love!"

 

I then said how I don't think I love my FWB because I worry that would just make me look crazy since we only know each other for a month and 1/2. But then he tells me how love doesn't have a timeline, which I do agree with that personally.

 

Then he ask what do I think love is and I started tying things together with my FWB, how I acted with him and all, and then it was like a wtf moment and a feeling of peace, relief, and weight being lifted off of me when I "confessed" to my friend. I finally felt at peace when I said that I love my FWB...now I'm wondering if something is wrong with me cause like...what am I supposed to do now?!?

 

My friend asked if I'm going to tell him and telling him will either make him run for the hills, tell me again how he doesn't feel the same or make the friendship awkward. Because if I do say how I want to cut the benefits, he's going to ask why and I can't lie to him because he will read right through me...

 

I don't know anymore...what's wrong with me?

[Take_everything]

This asymmetry is cool because its numerically intuitive.

 

For men, there's a small subset of people they actually want to date. Then there's a bunch they'd sleep with, depending on blood alcohol content, but wouldn't date.

 

For women, there's also a small subset of people they actually want to date. But those are also by and large the people they want to sleep with. There are exceptions ("he's good on paper but...", "he's cute but dumb as a stump") but compared to men, they are negligible.

 

So it follows mathematically that you randomly draw men and women who are willing to sleep with each other, you're going to get a lot more instances of "she'd date him, he wouldn't date her" than "he'd date her, she wouldn't date him".

 

 

I don't know if that's true. I mean I've slept with plenty of guys I'd never date because they were hot, I was horny, I was bored, or I thought I wanted to date them and quickly changed my mind. I mean, I know lots of women hooking up with guys off tinder and then moving on to the next because it was nice but it wasn't anything special.

 

I feel like this sort of thinking is rooted in the old stereotype that all women are just looking to trap a man into marriage asap. Some women, especially educated or financially independent women date just because its fun, not because they are looking to settle down.

Edited February 3, 2016 by Take_everything

[Miss Clavel]

It's one of those "feelings for FWB" situation

 

I meet this guy who has been my FWB since last year. The thing is, we were dating for a few weeks and I grew some feelings for him. However, we can't be in a relationship at all considering of how our cultures are so different, not that I mind it honestly, just that for him he wants a girlfriend who is of his background and culture (Jewish) he also knew after a few weeks of dating that his parents wouldn't approve of us. He didn't want to string me along so he had to call off the dating.

 

Like, I really love the sex with him with the no strings attached but then there's that part of me that wants more than just sex. I love sex and all but at the same time romance to me is just better than a relationship that it's just sex.

 

Another thing is that hanging out with him. I didn't bring this topic up to him in deep detail it's just that if he is my friend with benefits I don't want just that benefits part, I want someone I can hangout with outside the bedroom, I just don't know if I can do that without getting more feelings for him. The whole thing is just a weird situation.

 

I've been trying to go on dates with others but like I said, I'm not feeling it and even though I have another FWB as well, it's still tricky.

 

im going with my standard reply, with friends like this, who needs enemies.

 

he is not your FRIEND. you are not good enough for him and his "culture".

 

he wants your pussy, not your heart. he's made it clear.

 

before you move on, do me a favor and offer to convert. see what he says when you make this offer.

 

good luck.

[bigbaby]

I think it is a degrading position to allow yourself to be in where you want a guy who doesn't want you, so you give him sex and hope for more (while probably pretending you're not hoping for more).

 

 

FWB makes it sound deceptively casual and cool but nearly every time I hear about it, it's really just what we used to call a woman allowing herself to be used for sex.

 

 

I think you should learn to accept "no" when you hear it and move on immediately. The more you engage in a "friendship" or "benefits" with this guy, the stronger your feelings for him will grow and this won't end well for you.

[elaine567]

Its not weird, it is what happens when a guy you like and love has demoted you to a FWB.

YOU see it as making love, he sees it as getting his needs met.

YOU think it may go somewhere, he is waiting for a real woman to sweep him off his feet.

Does he know you have another FWB? If he is aware of that, he has no doubt put you in a box, and women in that box are often NOT seen as dating or wife material, no matter how "modern" they may think they are being.

 

Being a FWB does not score you any brownie points with most men.

He is very unlikely to see you now as dating material, you are just a girl he calls up and some other guy calls up when they feel horny, sorry!

[elaine567]

Find someone else, someone else who will treat you right, take you out and spoil you, someone who can't wait to show you to his mum and dad, and you can be a proper part of their family.

This FWB doesn't want you as his gf, sticking around will just eat you up and one day he will end it when he finds someone else, and you may even have to face the fact she may not even be Jewish...

Save yourself a lot of heartache.

[Methodical]

An acquaintance recently dealt with an issue with her FWB. It turned out to be a miscommunication issue, but alongside that, there was an expectation issue. Long story short, she thought he had faded and she felt after having been FWB for the past year at the very least he owed an explanation/conversation stating he wanted to end their arrangement.

 

FWB are tricky. "Friends" typically care about each other, IMO, whereas FB are occasional hookups for the expressed purpose of sexual gratification. No "feelings" are involved, no expectations, etc. Lines tend to get blurred with FWB as opposed to FB.

 

Chances are you won't be able to turn off those feelings and so long as they persist, there's hope for a relationship - false hope. Going forward, cut the benefits bc every time you sleep together, those feelings of hope surface. Hopefully your relationship's foundation is built on friendship that can sustain the loss of sexual benefits .