Striking a balance: How to be a "desirable" person.

[ConfusedInOC]

Lately we've been discussing "Bad Boys" and "Nice Guys" and what everyone seems to agree is there is a fine balance men (and women) have that make them attractive (between being nice and a bad boy) to the opposite sex. So, how do we learn to find this balance?

 

It starts with three main areas of focus:

 

SELF CONFIDENCE:

Even my ex said it. "Self confidence is sexy..." When you are self-confident/self-assured, you don't really care what others think about you. You are comfortable in your own shell and other people notice this. You do not look to others for approval, you look within. You can approach people and not be afraid of what they will think or say because you're confident you know exactly what to say. I'll quote Ben Franklin again: "A man who loves himself will have no rivals." Learn to love yourself and your self-confidence and assuredness will increase dramatically. Also, a great way to start building self-confidence and self-esteem is to HAVE GOALS IN YOUR LIFE! That means set short and long term goals and stick to them. I had no goals with my ex and it showed, significantly. Set a long term goal such as buying a house and several short term goals such as joining a gym, playing more Golf, pampering yourself more often, etc. Also, hanging out and bonding with friends helps your self-confidence because you begin to build a life outside your S/O and that is KEY to any relationship as you'll soon see.

 

SETTING BOUNDARIES:

Boundaries in this context is defined as things you will or will not accept your S/O doing. A good way to think of boundaries is to say to yourself "Would I allow this kind of behavior on a second date?" If you would not, then you need to defend your boundaries and have repercussions for crossing them.

How do you set boundaries? - Good question. It starts when your S/O does something you aren't real keen on. My ex was hanging out with another guy and was hiding it from me. What I should have done at that time was say "I will not accept this behavior and if you don't stop hanging out with him, then I am walking..." But I didn't. I did not enforce my boundaries. The consequences of my actions were the catalyst to her seeing me as a "door mat" or "pushover." Those are the consequences of not enforcing boundaries. Had I walked, she would have respected me and known I meant business. If your S/O starts hanging out and drinking with friends late at night and you don't accept it, set the boundary and repercussions for crossing those lines. It's not easy and takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to be able to say "If you don't stop this behavior, I am leaving you..." and then leave. Your S/O will either come back to you after a short amount of time or they may not ever come back. If they don't then you know that was the direction the relationship was headed anyway and you can move on. Sounds hard, and it is, but it is essential in order to have self-respect. Only a CONFIDENT, SELF-ASSURED person can set boundaries and follow through with repercussions for crossing them.

 

INDEPENDENCE:

This can't be stressed enough: Have a life outside your S/O. We've talked about having short and long term goals in your life and about hanging out with friends and bonding. These are important steps in building an independent life from your S/O. Being independent is attractive to the opposite sex. They want someone who has goals in life, who has friends and a life of their own. They want to be able to share your life with you, not BE your life. It's too much pressure on your S/O to know they are the only thing in your life. Human psychology tells us those who feel pressured in a relationship tend to RUN AWAY. This is why creating space between you and your S/O is necessary when they are feeling that pressure. This is why "clingy" men push women away (They are "pressuring" their S/O's) and why "jerks" attract them. In the book "Love Must Be Tough" Dr. Dobson points out that "Love must be free..." and by that he means it must be "Free to come and free to go." Without this freedom, love will certain GO. But if you give love it's freedom, it will be sure to blossom.

 

These are the three mains areas I feel most people can improve upon to start becoming more balanced and attractive to their S/O. Be it your spouse, g/f or b/f or your date. By implementing the above suggestions over time you'll see yourself becoming more attractive to your S/O. In addition, you will be a much happier person because your happiness is centered within. And when that happens you become popular with everyone. The opposite sex will be attracted to you and friends will want to hang out with you more. And once that happens you will lead and happier, more content life.

 

Don't expect this to happen overnight. It takes time, lots of it. You must do this for YOURSELF. Any changes you try and implement that are half-hearted or for someone else will never take. You have to want the changes and believe they are in your best interest.

 

Once I started implementing this changes I started seeing results very quickly. I met up with my ex a week ago last Sunday and she repeated at least three times "I can tell you are different..." This doesn't mean I will win my ex back (her perception of me as a door mat will never change unless she is single again and we start hanging out) but it does mean that she's thinking about it. My friends have noticed it too. It takes time but I am learning where the perfect BALANCE is in order to live a happier, more fulfilling life.

 

Feel free to comment or add anything you feel is necessary. There are more areas I believe we can touch upon but these three are the "big" ones that will make a significant impact on becoming more balanced.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Woohoo. Let battle commence

 

(I'll come back with a more profound tomorrow)

[alphamale]

actually, it comes down to these factors :

 

-respect thyself as well as others

-give a little and take a little

-know when to do what

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

actually, it comes down to these factors :

 

-respect thyself as well as others

-give a little and take a little

-know when to do what

 

That's too simplified, AM. You can "tell" people all day what they should do but to make an impact, you have to show them, give examples and give the something concrete for them to go on.

 

Each in the list above falls into one of the three categories.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by alphamale

-give a little and take a little

 

Yup, Tudor's famous comment about not giving 50/50 but rather 100/100 seems apposite here.

 

Both being givers, not a giver/taker relationship seems a good addition to the list, CIOC.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Yup, Tudor's famous comment about not giving 50/50 but rather 100/100 seems apposite here.

 

Both being givers, not a giver/taker relationship seems a good addition to the list, CIOC.

 

People who do not understand 100/100 are not self-confident, secure or happy with themsevles. When you are, you will know when your needs aren't being met. You will set boundaries (ie: Time to myself, time with you, give and take, etc) and have repercussions.

[NTB]

i don't about all this good girl, bad guy stuff and balancing act.....i think what it comes down to is being yourself the guy/gal will love you for you not because off anything else we all have our faults some more than others............just be yourself know who you are and if they don't like it well there will be somebody next in line who will like it

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by NTB

i don't about all this good girl, bad guy stuff and balancing act.....i think what it comes down to is being yourself the guy/gal will love you for you not because off anything else we all have our faults some more than others............just be yourself know who you are and if they don't like it well there will be somebody next in line who will like it

 

At no point does my advice say "Don't be yourself......"

 

It says:

 

Be confident and self assured.

Set boundaries.

Have a life of your own.

 

There's nothing in there that says you should change WHO you are. It says "this is how you balance your life..." and by doing so you will become more attractive.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by NTB

if they don't like it well there will be somebody next in line who will like it

 

lol I'm picturing a ticket machine at the deli, "65, 66, 67, 68, euuh huhhuh :)"

 

When you're down and out, it's so hard to focus on being your confident self. But honestly, if they dont like you, get lost

 

Things should just come naturally. If you're constantly worrying about giving too much, taking too much, you go crazy. Both parties should be strong enough to know what they want and to ask for it. If you're doing something in hopes that the other person will like you for it, then you're doing it for the wrong reason. You should never compromise yourself for a relationship.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by NTB

............just be yourself know who you are and if they don't like it well there will be somebody next in line who will like it

This is a total crock of bullkrap NTB....Just Be Yourself (JBY) doesn't work for dudes who got no game with women.

 

So according to your JBY theory a nerdy, unconfident, wuss-bag with no backbone should get plenty of chicks....just by being himself

[NTB]

your selling those nerdy guys short not all of them can't get a chick

yeah they might be so freaked out about approaching a girl that they just won't do it but there are plenty of ladies out there that are into the nerdy guys and just approach them

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dgiirl

lol I'm picturing a ticket machine at the deli, "65, 66, 67, 68, euuh huhhuh :)"

 

When you're down and out, it's so hard to focus on being your confident self. But honestly, if they dont like you, get lost

 

Look at it this way. If those numbers keep coming and you're still sitting there looking at your ticket, that's warning sign something is wrong.

 

Things should just come naturally. If you're constantly worrying about giving too much, taking too much, you go crazy. Both parties should be strong enough to know what they want and to ask for it. If you're doing something in hopes that the other person will like you for it, then you're doing it for the wrong reason. You should never compromise yourself for a relationship.

 

There is NO COMPROMISE in my advice. It WILL come naturally if you first understand what you're doing wrong and how to fix it. It then becomes a part of who you are and you become more balanced and attractive not because you are faking it, but because you understood what you needed to do and DID IT.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by NTB

but there are plenty of ladies out there that are into the nerdy guys and just approach them

sure NTB, and who are they? the nerdy girls!!! Birds of a feather flock together. As long as the nerdy dudes practice your JBY theory they'll have plenty of nerdy girls around. If they are cool with the nerdy girls that is fine....

[NTB]

well as long as they have somebody to love them then what the heck

at least ther getting some

 

but i do know what you mean

[BrotherAaron]

You just gotta check your reasons.

 

Stop trying to justify yourself. This is me, take it or leave it. I don't know what the magic bullet is to give something confidence... if I did, I'd be rich. You'd see me on a stage in NYC giving an inspirational speech the nations starved masses. So many people are reduced to self loathing, spine jellied losers. If you ask me, it has to do with our society. Television screams at you all day long that you're simply not good enough. C'mon, you're not as skinny as Britney Spears - you need diet pills and breast implants. And guys, you're not as sexy and smooth as Tom Cruise. You need Axe - that's what women like.

 

We all need to practice living a little. Take some time to remove yourself from the madness. Start a garden, and learn to play an instrument. Maybe you'd rather paint, or draw, or write. Whatever it is that you have doing - do that. Get yourself away from the TV every now and then and take some time to live life.

 

The great thing about increasing self-confidence is that it's a self feeding cycle. Like starting a fire, all it needs is something to ignite it, and then it will grow beyond your control. A little bit of confidence will cause positive reactions from people, which feeds the confidence more, which elicits more positive reactions. When you find the secret, you'll feel like you've stumbled across a gold mine and wonder how you ever felt any different.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Look at it this way. If those numbers keep coming and you're still sitting there looking at your ticket, that's warning sign something is wrong.

 

ok maybe it was a lame joke

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dgiirl

ok maybe it was a lame joke

 

Nah, I got it

[XNemesisX]

I think this is overanalyzing, CIOC.

 

A lot of your posts have said these same things. I think it is pretty much drilled in our minds (or especially yours).

 

Just keep it simple. No need to analyze all of these maneuvers.

 

In the end, the person either likes you or they don't and there isn't much game playing you can do to reverse it if the chemistry just isn't there. And when do emotions come into the question? You can't sit and think analytically on what your best plan of action should be in a given situation when your emotions are at their peak. At least I don't think so.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

I think this is overanalyzing, CIOC.

 

Just keep it simple. No need to analyze all of these maneuvers.

I totally agree XNX, please see my 1st post on this thread. I tried to simplify it.

[Naive]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

I think this is overanalyzing, CIOC.

 

A lot of your posts have said these same things. I think it is pretty much drilled in our minds (or especially yours).

 

Just keep it simple. No need to analyze all of these maneuvers.

 

In the end, the person either likes you or they don't and there isn't much game playing you can do to reverse it if the chemistry just isn't there. And when do emotions come into the question? You can't sit and think analytically on what your best plan of action should be in a given situation when your emotions are at their peak. At least I don't think so.

 

 

Very well put!!!!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

I think this is overanalyzing, CIOC.

 

A lot of your posts have said these same things. I think it is pretty much drilled in our minds (or especially yours).

 

Just keep it simple. No need to analyze all of these maneuvers.

 

In the end, the person either likes you or they don't and there isn't much game playing you can do to reverse it if the chemistry just isn't there. And when do emotions come into the question? You can't sit and think analytically on what your best plan of action should be in a given situation when your emotions are at their peak. At least I don't think so.

 

The only reason for this thread is to show those who don't understand (I do now, but didn't back then) how important it is to be balanced. And not just throwing out a few examples of being balanced, but by explaining what it is to be balanced and how it reflects upon you as a person.

 

Also, I am not saying being "stone cold" all the time. You have to know when it's OK to show your emotions and when to be strong.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

I totally agree XNX, please see my 1st post on this thread. I tried to simplify it.

 

My explanations are simple, just a bit more detailed than "one line" answers. Implementing positive changes in your life comes from understand why you act the way you do and why you need to change.

 

You aren't going to get that from one liners....

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

The only reason for this thread is to show those who don't understand (I do now, but didn't back then) how important it is to be balanced. And not just throwing out a few examples of being balanced, but by explaining what it is to be balanced and how it reflects upon you as a person.

Actually, COC, one does not become "balanced" in three wks time and after reading a coupla self-helf book. It takes years, sometimes decades of actually practicing this "balanced" approach. It is a lifestyle choice and philosophy and way of thinking that is instilled in you over quite a long period.

 

You won't learn it in a short time frame by putting a book under your pillow at nite.

 

So really COC...you may want to reconsider whether you really are qualified to be giving out this advice to others.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

Actually, COC, one does not become "balanced" in three wks time and after reading a coupla self-helf book. It takes years, sometimes decades of actually practicing this "balanced" approach. It is a lifestyle choice and philosophy and way of thinking that is instilled in you over quite a long period.

 

Everyone is different. What may take some years to learn may take weeks for others. This is a bad generalization.

 

You won't learn it in a short time frame by putting a book under your pillow at nite.

 

How fast you learn it and implement it is more or less based on how motivated you are to change. Some people can read a book and be changed. In my case, it's more than a few books. It's a combination of counseling, books as well as my faith in God.

 

So really COC...you may want to reconsider whether you really are qualified to be giving out this advice to others.

 

That's hilarious, Alpha. People have been saying the same thing about you since I've been here. My education is coming from a combination of recommended books and professional counseling.

 

I'm not concerned that you question the advice. It came from professionals and I am merely repeating it. So if you want to argue with someone, argue with the PhD's who validate it

[Just Visiting]

It is interesting that I came across this topic. I have been living with my bf for almost 7 months now. At first, we couldn't spend enough time together. Even going to work was torture because it meant we had to be a part for 8 hours or so.

 

I have noticed over the past couple of months that I was becoming more and more unhappy, sulky, short-tempered with my bf and myself. I came to the realization that I gave up my life in order to be a girlfriend, and it wasn't making me happy. I wasn't exercising anymore, I wasn't going out, I wasn't hanging out with my friends, I gave up my interests so I can be with my boyfriend.

 

We both realized that we have been getting too comfortable with each other. I need to get back to my life and not concentrate on "us" so much. It's funny, after I made the realization, my bf brought it up as well. So when they say it is important to maintain your life while in a relationship is very true.