How to just "let it go"??

[scrapbooker]

I'm saying unless your're Jesus, you've lied. Everyone living on earth has lied, including yourself. I don't care how small or big, is it worth a long marriage? When in reality everyone is going to lie & be lied to about something at some point.

 

It's also wrong as a spouse to not be able to control your temper when talked to about something.

 

Oh well, then, as long as everyone has done it, I'm not accountable for my actions and choices. Neato

[Whoknew30]

I'm a very honest person, so I guess I just expect that from a spouse. It seems though, that maybe I shouldn't. But then again, shouldn't I be able to have an honest spouse?

I'm actually ok with little white lies here and there... but when it's constant, over and over- it gets a little old and now I have a hard time believing anything that comes out of his mouth.

 

I do have a temper, but control it pretty good during confrontations.

Actually, I just ignore him. After I catch him in a lie, I just sorta 180, keep to myself and then question him. It's during this questioning things get heated... I'll try to stay calm but he will just keep raising his voice, louder and louder and screaming at me. VERY defensive and I will just walk away bc I can't handle that stuff. He is not nice during these conversations.

Sometimes I try to explain to him calmly that i'm just having a hard time getting over this and he will act like he understands but then expects me to just move on and get over it. Until the next time

 

 

Look, I'm not judging you at all. Im only going by what you've said.

 

Yes he's wrong for lying...but for you to acknowledge he's been scared to talk to you bc of your temper means at some point in your marriage you've made him feel that way. Hey, I've gone off on my husband too & ive caught him lying about some dumb things in the past bc of the same reason your H gave, so been there done that.

 

I'm just saying, is it worth your marriage over it? If you think so, no one can tell you how to feel but that many years, over for just that (not saying you shouldn't be upset) with no proof of anything else...it seems a little bit overreactive at this point. You find proof there's a whole A going on, then that's a different story. I'm going by as of right now.

[13Hearts]

Thank you... I def do think marriage counseling is something we need to look into. We have went in the past and it actually caused MORE problems than it ever did any good. We would go to the appt and sit outside in the car arguing for another hour or 2.. it was awful.

 

I was thinking about that this morning... maybe it's just time to call it quits and move on from a spouse I can't trust. I keep thinking of how "I" can rebuild our marriage and work on myself to gain trust back for him. But I don't think I can, bc I will be basically do it alone and what good is that.

 

I read an article last night about narcissism and psycopaths and how they compulsively lie and I hate to even admit this, but the article sounded just like my husband! Which makes me think, that he's never going to change.

I'm at the point I need to accept it, him and our marriage or move on.

and I don't want to settle.

I've been in LTRs with guys like your husband and that feeling never goes away. Reading your post and this thread brought all of those old feelings back for me; It's a fear or a pain in my heart that I REFUSE to live with ever again. If the dynamic between me and a man is such that I feel that way, and all he does is make excuses and gaslight me just the way your husband is doing to you, leaving me to resolve it on my own or go crazy trying, the relationship is just not worth it. The stress alone is going to kill you. I had a friend die of cancer very young and knowing the amount of stress she had in her life caused me to believe that stress kills.

 

I think you need to trust your instincts. You've got 5 children and that tells me your instincts are probably well-tuned. I say you do what you need to do and when he says he needs you to stay, you tell him you're treating him the way he has treated you all these years: To deal with the problem alone.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who you can just tell you can trust because you never have that feeling while with them.

[sm2281]

I am you right now in your first year. I am the thread cold feet.

He swears up and down he can be faithful as long as we can communicate. That is crap. Someone should love you regardless of your communication.

If I were your friend id say leave.

Leave. It is quite hard to let it go when you live someone, but you know deep down that it cant be like that forver. Youve turned a blind eye, so have I. Sometimes its just one thing or another that gets you moving.

I hate it. The uncertainty.

No lies.

I hate lies.

 

I will leave if you do.

[13Hearts]

After I catch him in a lie, I just sorta 180, keep to myself and then question him. It's during this questioning things get heated... I'll try to stay calm but he will just keep raising his voice, louder and louder and screaming at me. VERY defensive and I will just walk away bc I can't handle that stuff. He is not nice during these conversations.

Sometimes I try to explain to him calmly that i'm just having a hard time getting over this and he will act like he understands but then expects me to just move on and get over it. Until the next time

Oh yeah, I know this guy very well. Those are tactics. And you have been falling for them for years. IDK what he's hiding or what he's lying about but I know you cannot change a person like this. No amount of MC is going to fix this, sorry to say. A person like this has to really, really want to change himself, and even then it's very difficult.

 

My XBF from 26 years ago was EXACTLY like this, and yes, he and I would have been fighting in the car for 2 hours after MC. I ran into him a few months ago and do you know he is exactly the same? Just old now but hasn't changed one bit. He was complaining to me about all the problems he has with his "crazy, paranoid wife" who doesn't trust him who he "has to" lie to and "Why did I marry someone so insecure?" What I remember about him was how sick, abusive, and manipulating he was, and how he would purposely do things to make me feel bad about myself, in order to manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. HORRIBLE. Makes me sick to my stomach.

[gonnadropthemic]

Look, I'm not judging you at all. Im only going by what you've said.

 

Yes he's wrong for lying...but for you to acknowledge he's been scared to talk to you bc of your temper means at some point in your marriage you've made him feel that way. Hey, I've gone off on my husband too & ive caught him lying about some dumb things in the past bc of the same reason your H gave, so been there done that.

 

I'm just saying, is it worth your marriage over it? If you think so, no one can tell you how to feel but that many years, over for just that (not saying you shouldn't be upset) with no proof of anything else...it seems a little bit overreactive at this point. You find proof there's a whole A going on, then that's a different story. I'm going by as of right now.

 

 

I think that drives me the craziest... knowing this is probably huge over reacting on my part. I hate that I feel like I've sunken to a new low level just bc of trust issues. I can honestly say the whole not being able to tell me things happened off the bat- 13 years ago. He would always try to cover up all this stuff and this is before I would get upset. I always have told him to just tell me, be upfront and honest and it will be fine. The stuff didn't even matter to me back then. I used to just blow off all the stuff in the beginning bc it was a new relationship and I was younger. but lately, each time I catch a new lie, it gets harder and harder. It's been in the recent years probably 5-6 years that I've started getting angry, and have become very confrontational. I wasn't getting answers being nice anyways, so why not. just kidding, sort of. So he does use that excuse on me all the time- that bc of my reactions he has to lie or intentionally not tell me things. Which I guess I could understand that if it wasn't a routine or habit so to speak. I feel like he knows he can get away with it and I almost sort of allow by still be married to him.. ughhh and no, when I think about 13 years... it's a LOT to consider to just leave.

[gonnadropthemic]

I've been in LTRs with guys like your husband and that feeling never goes away. Reading your post and this thread brought all of those old feelings back for me; It's a fear or a pain in my heart that I REFUSE to live with ever again. If the dynamic between me and a man is such that I feel that way, and all he does is make excuses and gaslight me just the way your husband is doing to you, leaving me to resolve it on my own or go crazy trying, the relationship is just not worth it. The stress alone is going to kill you. I had a friend die of cancer very young and knowing the amount of stress she had in her life caused me to believe that stress kills.

 

I think you need to trust your instincts. .

 

 

Leaving me to resolve it on my own- SPOT ON! Yes... I've been thinking about that all day long, like wait.... why am I the one doing all the work and trying to make this marriage work... I've been honest.. he isn't.

So sorry you have had horrible relationships like that and so sorry about your friend

I tell him that all the time- the STRESS of all this is going to kill me... he just doesn't get it or care too. I've tried explaining and it always gets turned around back to some scenario where I'm the bad guy. UGH.

This is def no way to live... no way. I really have been thinking hard lately about whether or not I can handle this much more or just move forward on to my own.

[gonnadropthemic]

Oh yeah, I know this guy very well. Those are tactics. And you have been falling for them for years. IDK what he's hiding or what he's lying about but I know you cannot change a person like this. No amount of MC is going to fix this, sorry to say. A person like this has to really, really want to change himself, and even then it's very difficult.

 

My XBF from 26 years ago was EXACTLY like this, and yes, he and I would have been fighting in the car for 2 hours after MC. I ran into him a few months ago and do you know he is exactly the same? Just old now but hasn't changed one bit. He was complaining to me about all the problems he has with his "crazy, paranoid wife" who doesn't trust him who he "has to" lie to and "Why did I marry someone so insecure?" What I remember about him was how sick, abusive, and manipulating he was, and how he would purposely do things to make me feel bad about myself, in order to manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. HORRIBLE. Makes me sick to my stomach.

 

 

I have no clue what he is hiding, but i'm sure it is something... can't intuition for no reason. Thing is- I just don't know if he's cheating, or just hiding a whole 2nd personality! I would not be surprised... he seems like he could be one way with us and another way at work.

I have often told my husband I think he is manipulative! and he did the same thing in the beginning- totally trashed his ex.. she was crazy, worthless, lazy, didn't do this or that... and funny thing is I've recently heard these SAME things from him to ME! Manipulative indeed....

[13Hearts]

I don't think it's you. I think it's him. But I guess you've already guessed what I think, huh?

 

You know, it really doesn't matter what is the truth and what isn't. It doesn't matter whether he is right and you are wrong, or vice versa. It doesn't matter what he is doing with whom, whether he's living a double life, or paints pink carousel ponies when he says he's at the office. What matters is whether or not this man is TOXIC to you.

[Lois_Griffin]

yes, this female is a co-worker with him... they work at a hospital together.

I think that is why my mind wanders so much bc I have known of so many hospital affairs that have happened and how easy it is....

 

He has a work and personal email. I have the passwords to both and honestly he NEVER checks them OR uses them.... He has like no link to the outside world besides our cell phone and he uses it to just talk to his oldest son.

 

I have thought before that since he has a locker at work, he could be hiding things in that locker and i would never know. He is able to buy things there at the hospital at the gift shop, so he could have cologne, and all sorts of things there. (his account at the gift shop is really high so I've wondered why about this as well)

 

I do check all our money accounts tightly and have noticed for the past year he has managed to sneak away around 60-100 a month. With 5.00 or 10. increments.. they just come up missing and I usually am to blame as I keep all the cash and it looks like I've done something wrong. (so he says), or it will usually be the typical "I needed gas and didn't get a receipt bc I was running late"..... This has what has raised my intuition lately, that and the all of a sudden having to work every Saturday or sunday.

 

I realize I make it hard for him to tell me the truth on things and I hate that. I wish so bad I could just let things go and move forward and be a trusting person.

 

Yes, he is all for this polygraph! and now it's under the stipulation I get one as well haha which I don't mind but seems odd and a bit funny for me to do one. but if that's what it takes then I guess so. I asked him what happens if he fails it and he said then I can have whatever I want in a divorce no contested... say what??

And he has jumped to this many times and when it comes around to payday (he keeps saying every pay period he is going to get one) he is mr prince charming, loving husband so I don't even think twice about going to book it.

 

I need to just book it looks like.

This guy is such a lying manipulator.

 

Why the hell would some female co-worker just PAY for your car troubles? Was it a loan, or did she just pay for it ? And his foolish reason for you not to contact her husband makes no logical sense at all. Either he and his wife helped you, or they didn't. Period.

 

Jesus, everything out of this liar's mouth ends up morphing into something else when it comes time to BACK UP his words.

 

Book the poly and drag his lying, manipulative ass down to the poly office. And if you didn't have the money to fix your car, then why in HELL would you blow $500 for a useless polygraph test for YOU just because the lying manipulator is using it as a tactic to AVOID his own poly? Does he think he's so clever that no one sees what a cheap manipulative tactic that is because he KNOWS a poly will expose all his sleazy behavior over the years?

 

Because it will.

 

I don't know how you stand dealing with this guy. He's such an obvious liar.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[sm2281]

Dear OP

 

I am writing because just a few months ago, I was you.

I was overly emotional due to some hormones I took.

I feared losing my SO due to lack of self esteem while on this medicine. That was not my normal self.

I am off them now and looking back and trying to figure out where I went wrong.

I accused and blamed so many aspects of things on my SO. We are only 2 years in. Its nobody's fault.

You must find peace in your heart. I was so angry amd frustrated with jealousy it killed me. We fought every night over it. It just turned into heated debate. It hurts, so you put up the defenses. Try letting them down a bit. Say, I wish I could talk to you without yelling. Instead of taking a stance where "you did this to me" how about try "this is how I feel" insteadnof asking why and who how about you focus on yourself and say It hurts me when you lie. I want an relationship where we can be honest, and how can we get there. I am questioning walking down the aisle right now, with a good man, because of assumptions ive made and because I was ojtnof control and pushing him away with constant accusations and questioning. I agree that this is no way to live, but maybe if you could find it in your heart to forgive him, and yourself, with some understanding then it might just clear up.

 

It is wrong to take money from a co worker like that, but explain to hin why it's wrong, and say that hurts. It is wrong because you two should be solving your problems and not he and another woman. I am supposed to be the only one, right? That is why you are hurt. You are supposed to be his best friend and you want to be, still after all these years, so explain that to him instead of pointing a finger and laying a blind eye to the good things.

 

Try to hold your anger and if you cannot, while you are talking ask for a moment and grab a cup of coffee or whatever you like that may help youcalm down. Just simply say, I need a minute to calm down before I go any further with this discussion.

 

try not to biccar and actually try to solve the problem. It takes two, and if he loves you, really loves you, this might help.

 

I agree you will find proof if there is an affair. There hasnt been any proof. I look sooo hard for proof because I know what to look for and because ive been cheated too many times. You know once, I had a man come home and kiss me with another womans twat on his mouth? It was disgusting, and I kicked him out immediately. There will be proof. I havent found any solid proof of an affair, and I feel like the constant un trust and constant biccaring was what ruined it.

 

I explained to him that I do not agree with friendships but acwuaintces are okay, you are free to talk to whomevet you likex but also set boundaries on what is appropriate for those conversations with women. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S SURPRISING that he follows them.

 

I set the boundary and he is cool with it. I have been snooping and found a whole bunch of old stuff and wonder why he holds on to these things, and I think it's because he needs some individuality. I need ot too. When I stopped focusing on whst he wad doing and started taking care of myself, things got better.

 

They are good now, and I have a hard time sometimes not lashing out and making a bunch of accusations. I try very hard and you know what? Lately its working, even though I found those old pics in his email, I have to give the benefit of the doubt that this girl is out of his life. I also checked and he deleted her from his FB. He is doing things on his own now that the biccaring has stopped.

 

So I know he is doing wrong, and has done wrong, but if your marriage is worth saving try focusing on that. If it's not then go maybe.

 

Yesterday was a bad day for me, and it does hurt. It is hard to let go, but once youve said something someone doesnt need to be reminded of the same mistake over and over again. You keep that, and do with it, what you need to do. Use the energy for something positive, instead of focusing on how much it hurts. Be at peace knowing thst where ever that leads to, you're okay with it. Are you okay with letting it go and can you let it go and be happy in yur marriage? The only other option is to leave it. Be at peace with whatever you decide and knkw that truly, your decision is for you. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY.

 

Make your feelings known in a non confrontationconfrontational manner, and decide if it is worth saving after his reaponse. If he is important enough to you, and if he loves you, he will comply with boundaries you set. If he isnt okay with it and continues to hurt you, then leave. Say, I feel threatened by this woman and I dont like the friendship. If he gives it up, then great.

 

I DUNNO and cant say if this will work, or even help. I can say that when I let go of assumptions and accusations it was a legitimate moment. I was making the bed, I took a deel breath and said yl myself "no more" and literally it felt like a weight lifted and burden come off my shoulders. Almost immediately the air in the house lightened up, and I was ready to go, and ready to stay, because I was at peace with myself, no matter what my decision turned out to be. I stayed. That happened after 3 straight months of continuous fighting, after it settled down a bit I gave him the ultimatum. I said if I am not the one for you, it has been enough time for you to know by now, so if the lease ends and youre not ready to get married, maybe we should go our seperate ways.

 

Now we are getting married, and **** old habits die hard. I am trying for the benefit of the doubt.

[13Hearts]

Gonnadropthemic, I am LMAO. Every time I saw your name, I would try to pronounce it. I thought it was some medical term because I thought your name started with "Gonad!" I was like "Why do people use medical terms for usernames that have names of sex organs in them???" Finally, after the hundredth time trying to sound out your name, I got it!! OMG ROFLMAO Thank you for the laughs! I can't tell you how much I needed that

[gonnadropthemic]

Gonnadropthemic, I am LMAO. Every time I saw your name, I would try to pronounce it. I thought it was some medical term because I thought your name started with "Gonad!" I was like "Why do people use medical terms for usernames that have names of sex organs in them???" Finally, after the hundredth time trying to sound out your name, I got it!! OMG ROFLMAO Thank you for the laughs! I can't tell you how much I needed that

 

 

Hahhahaha that is hilarious!!!! No, no medical terms here- I wouldn't even know what those are heehee

 

I saw that on something (maybe tmz) when I was creating my account and was like ooooohh that's what I'm going to do- gonna drop the mic- and walk away

[gonnadropthemic]

SM2281 /

it's crazy how other people can go through the same type of relationships with someone. So sorry you have had to deal with that stress as well.

 

I've been doing the talking about it calm deal lately and I don't know if it's that or something else, but this last week has been much better. Still get triggers and upset when a random thought enters my mind but I've been coping better. Especially when I just keep telling myself "I have no proof"...

He's asked me a couple time this week why I have been upset and I didn't want to answer bc it was like same ol same ol. So when I asked again I just told him as calm as can be that I hate that I'm hurting so bad over this lie, but I am, I can try to control it, but we are talking about emotions here. And then I tried to get him to see it from my view, my perspective. I think that really helped and he does seem to now be really understanding all of a sudden and taking it seriously that I was being serious about all this.

So that has helped. Once I asked how he would have reacted if the tables were reversed and I was the one working, same situation happened but yet a male ci worker helped me... I think that was like the light bulb going off bc then he just sat there for a few mins thinking about that. And then said he would actually be really upset and suspicious of that did happen in reverse.

So maybe he gets it now- it's not cool to lie and hurt your wife bc you can or think you can.

We will see how it all goes this weekend is our 13 year anniversary and I'm not really into it this year ha but now all of a sudden he is.