love or lonliness

[HopeHeDoesntReadThis]

Okay, I have no idea if I fear lonliness, or if I really love my boyfriend. He's a great guy, but he saddens me a lot of the time by either "competing" with me (We're both in college) or having uncontrollable mood swings in which he makes me feel like I'm a burden on him.

 

But honestly, it's gotten to the point where I don't know if I should or could live life without him. He's really successful, and says he owes it to me. My parents like him, I like his family, and like I said, He's a great guy. He takes me out and treats me like a queen at times. Is it that I love him, and that's why i can't leave? Or is it that I fear life without him?

[nabul]

Oh, Well! Nobody is perfect. Is he worth all that pain and discomfort? Do you parents know how much he oppresses him on occasions? Does your boyfriend know how you feel about him?

 

And the competitive side of the relationship? Is it good for you? Does it help you improve your skills?

 

Another question to ask yourself is: is your umbilical cord plugged in him? In another words, if he goes can you stay alive?

 

Good luck with making a wise choice.

[Tony T]

We love people because of the way they make us feel. It seems he makes you feel great some of the time and he makes you feel like a real burden other times. That's why you are so confused. He seems to be up and down. What a way to live!!!

 

I think when you're in love with someone and happy about it, you don't think about leaving them. You can live without anybody. There may be associated pain with breaking up but that pain is not nearly as bad as the pain of being in a relationship that could get even worse as time goes on.

 

Feeling like a burden really sucks big time. When I feel that way around anyone, I am out of there pretty fast.

 

If you really loved your boyfriend you wouldn't have to wonder about it. I think you probably fear loneliness. But babe, you haven't felt loneliness until you've been married to somebody who treats you like crap. Go ask around. Do some research.

 

You need to find someone who values you and your feelings, who treats you with kindness and respect, and makes you feel special and wanted in his life. And I promise you there are guys like that out there. Love is hard enough without spending your valuable days with one you have doubts about.

 

If your family and friends like this guy so much, tell them to marry him and take him off your hands. I really don't think he's the guy for you.

 

And, if you leave him and he suddenly sees the light, you're in real trouble too. Guys like that can't keep up an act forever. They go back to their old selves 90 percent of the time.

 

Now in his defense, I don't think any guy can be totally into a relationship 100 percent of the time. But this competition, moodswing and making you feel like a burden stuff is uncalled for. There are more positive ways of dealing with the downside or slow days of a relationship. I am assuming you have discussed this with him a few times and he hasn't been able or willing to change.

 

I hate to be so negative about this because obviously you have some feelings for this guy.

 

Maybe you ought to wait until somebody posts who feels a bit better about your situation. I personally don't hang with people who make me feel bad...but lots of people who enjoy feeling bad do.

[Sally]

If you have to ask the question, then you already know the answer. When you really love someone, there is no doubt or questions asked. You don't have to ponder it for even a moment. I don't doubt you have feelings for him and care for him, but love him? I also don't think that you're totally lonely, because I think you could give up this guy and be alone, once you hit your "fed up" point. I think you're just trying to make it work, because you've had such strong feelings for him in the past, that you couldn't image not feeling as strongly for him, which is probably what's happening. In other words, it's comfortable. I think you're starting to hit a pain threshold, which is exhausting you from the relationship. Once you actually hit that threshold, you'll just automatically move on and want it to be over. You are not different than any other person in a relationship. It's hard to let go and move on from someone that you've cared so deeply about for a long period of time. You're also starting to realize what you want in a relationship, which means you're growing as a person. You know that you don't want to be saddened by someone else's negative actions towards you - all the time. So to sum it up, what you're going through isn't a negative thing, it (in the long run) will be a positive thing. You're telling yourself, you like yourself enough not to "maybe" want to stay in a potentially unhealthy relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll end up doing the right thing for yourself in time and the answers will come slowly.

 

I hope you find your answers.

[Ed]

You can live life without him. Permanently remove from your mind the thought that you cannot live life without a particular person. It is perfectly natural to feel as if you can't live without someone, but it is simply not true. Life goes on until you die, no matter who you spend it with. You choose how to live it and who to spend it with.

 

There are many people living happy lives as single people, even though they desire a mate. There are very few people living happy lives when mated with someone that drags you down, puts you down or has a negative attitude toward you.

 

Forget about what you "should do". What you "should do" is something you are taught as a child. As an adult, what you "should do" is, mostly, a worrisome thought of what other people think of you and the choices you make. As a mature adult, turn your "shoulds" into "wills". What "will" you do? What are you "willing to do" or "willing to put up with"? Thinking and acting this way puts you in control of your life and, of course, it also makes you responsible for the successes, failures and consequences.

 

Your question is "Is it that I love him, that I can't leave him, or is it that I fear life without him?" I really can't answer that question with any certainty. A safe guess would be, it is probably a bit of both. More importantly, know that you can love someone, but you don't have to put up with degrading behavior and all of us have some sort of fear or anxiety of the unknown.