I'm so tired of trying to fix it alone

[JasmineMedrano531]

Hello, so I have only been married a few months and a week ago my husband came up to me and said he doesn't love me anymore and he wants to separate. At first he didn't want to move out and I sure as hell was not moving out so he would spend the night at his friends house or sleep on the couch. One day I got so frustrated I told him that one of us needs to move out if he wasn't willin g to try and fix things. I decided I would talk to my parents about staying in one of the extra rooms they have. After talking to them they said that we should try to work it out together before separating. The more they spoke with me the more I realized I was crazy for ever suggesting one of us move out so I talked to my husband. Since then he has been coming up with new & different excuses for why we should separate. His most recent is that he needs time to be himself. I thought that he had finally decided to work together to make things work because we were on the same page about what we wanted, but then he said he wasn't going to come home that might and that he needs space to do him. I'm just so tired. I have been obsessing over how to fix our marriage but if he won't even come home to talk to me how can we fix anything. It's like he doesn't want things to work at all. I forgot to mention before that this is the first he has ever come up to me and said he was unhappy and his first thought to fix it was to automatically separate. That's not what I want and he also said he does not want to divorce he just wants to be separated. I don't know what more to do I'm dieing inside and I can feel myself getting more and more depressed everyday. I never want to eat, I can't sleep, all I do is cry alone.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry Jasmine. I think you're right about him not wanting to fix it. But this business of him wanting separation only instead of divorce is incredibly selfish.

 

Have you asked him why he went through with the marriage? Did you live together before you were married? Was your marriage calm and happy....or were there issues? If so, what kind of issues were you facing?

[JasmineMedrano531]

I did ask why he married me and he said that he thought he would be happier once we got married. We have lived together for about 3 years we have been dating for 6. I thought we were happy. He would hold me closer than ever before, he would give me massages. We would sit and laugh together. It was always a big problem to me that he was so distant always on his phone, but that had stopped. He was focusing on me showing me so much love and affection. He even said he wanted to start trying to have a child less than a month before this happened.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Take it from someone who spent a decade or more trying to fix my marriage alone, it DOES NOT WORK!

 

If I have any advice to give you is that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. One person CAN NOT save it. Period.

 

Your husband is being very selfish in keeping you tied to him by not granting or asking for a divorce. I suspect it's more about money than anything else but I don't know for sure obviously.

 

It's clear he's not interested in working things out with you and I'm so terribly sorry about that. I know the pain you're in and have spent countless years crying myself to sleep as well and molding myself to try and be what I thought my husband wanted to no avail. In the end it's toxic to your marriage and to your own soul most importantly.

 

You need to let him go. You deserve so much better than this. It won't be easy which is why you need to lean on your friends and family to see you through it. And if you can, I would strongly encourage you to seek out some individual counselling as well.

 

Hugs to you my friend.

[sowhatwedonow]

Life is too short for you to be cringing over this. You are worth so much more and deserve more. Its sad but its just not working, and the hardest thing there is is fighting a war on your own

 

If he does not want to work things out with you or even try. You file for divorce, this isn't about him or your marriage. Its about you and seeking out what's best for you and your happiness. So you have to be brave here and do what's best for you because he clearly doesn't care.

 

Stop trying. Its about time you do. You said it yourself that your tired, and u shud be. So its all up to u now.

[JasmineMedrano531]

I don't want to leave. I keep hoping and praying that he will decide to fix things with us. I have invested so much into him and I can't just walk away without giving everything I have. I love this man so much and when we are happy we are so happy. I just wish he would come to me so he can see that the love is still there. I'm exhausted but I feel like I can't leave it like this right? Everything in my heart and soul tells me to push through and it will get better. But my mind and body are so tired.

[JasmineMedrano531]

Today he said he wants to work things out but he isn't ready. He said he will work things out when he feels ready. What does that mean? It just gave me a little bit of hope that I felt like I needed, but am I holding on to something that isn't going to happen?

[amaysngrace]

It's pretty rude of him to expect your marriage to be the magic bullet that makes him happy.

 

If he's not happy that's his problem but he's really very rude to try and make it yours. So what is he doing when he doesn't come home? Things to make him happy?

 

You should go to the courthouse and file for divorce. At least maybe then you can be happy.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Today he said he wants to work things out but he isn't ready. He said he will work things out when he feels ready. What does that mean? It just gave me a little bit of hope that I felt like I needed, but am I holding on to something that isn't going to happen?

 

YES, yes you are!

[sowhatwedonow]

He's just got u on the leash. When he's ready? What a frigging selfish douche sorry to say. So while he's just chilling your gonna cry and worry about whats gonna hapn. He is showing no conviction and action speaks louder than words.

 

Ofc u dont wanna lose this guy, u love him and care for him and u don't wanna give up. But the question is does he feel the same way?

 

Please think about this really well. I'd hate for you to be in this situation a year from now. And trust me it hapns. He just has u around and idk y.

[MellyMel]

I was you.

 

You invested and you want your investment to pay off. Sometimes investments don't pay off. Please know that you can't save this marriage alone. You are doing everything you can. He is the one that doesn't want to invest. Let him go. He may realize what a mistake he made at some point down the line.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're hurting and it sucks that your husband isn't husband material and he's immature. It just may be that he isn't ready to commit or to be responsible, give up certain things that one does when they get married.

 

It won't work if he isn't willing to try....

 

Has he actually told you WHY he isn't ready? Why he wants to separate? Is he scared, worried, feel he made a mistake?

 

Just ask him to be completely honest with you. Better to know the truth now rather than 10 years from now with a few kids in tow and then he ups and leaves you.

Edited February 3, 2016 by whichwayisup

[Brady375]

This most likely has all boiled down to one thing. He has lost interest in you. All of the Reasons he's providing or Will continue to provide may have merit but they are not the real reason.

When you first started dating.....I'm sure some of the things you did or he did could be considered Annoying to you or him Today. But when you first started dating all of these Flaws are overlooked because you both have so much interest in eachother. As time goes on the Sparks fade and so does some of the interest. If too much goes then things like this can happen. I person Loses interest First THEN they come up the reasons for seperating. Some of the reasons people provide have merit because they directly are linked to the loss of interest and sometimes respect. The two are linked. Example if a spouse is unemployed for years on end and the other spouse Loses interest and respect for the spouse because of their lack of ambition or accomplishment. Once the interest is lost and a seperation is demanded the spouse THEN starts Jumping through hoops saying look I Can Do it! And they go out and get a job. If too much respect and interest is lost even w the new job the leaving spouse probably won't care at this point and will most likely say "great you make these changes Now after I broke down and we had to seperate."

The key I Think is the loss of interest. How do you get this back. Simply put you have to better yourself all around, and don't pressure him. Google homer McDonald. I did over the phone counseling when I went through a bad Break up a deacde ago. I let my feelings get the best of me and didn't get the girl back but it was for the best but I whole heartedly feel the psychology he taught me is Valuable.

[testmeasure]

How old are you guys? If you're like 23 and 24, and skipped the phase of finding yourselves, then as long as he's finding himself without cheating, I don't know what to say. It's certainly not ideal. I'd have a harder time than you with it.

 

If you're like 50 and he's doing this crap and you're not changing the locks and setting up cameras, I don't know what planet you're from.

 

There is some piece of context missing here where he is able to do this stuff and you don't go nuclear. I can only guess age. Why would you let him do that?

 

.

[bigbaby]

Is he having an affair?

[basil67]

I was you.

 

You invested and you want your investment to pay off. Sometimes investments don't pay off.

 

^^ this.

 

I always think this when I hear about investing in a relationship. Investments are a gamble. You'd cut your losses if you invested in a business which went broke. So if you're talking investment in a relationship, please remember that you sometimes need to cut your losses there too.

[MJJean]

I see a lot of red flags.

 

He says he married you thinking it would make things better.

He was glued to his phone. Then became attentive when he suddenly lost interest in his phone. Now he's suddenly backing away and asking for separation.

He says he needs "space" and wants to work on it at some vague future date when he's "ready".

 

Is it just me or does it seem like he is having or trying to have an affair and holding on to the OP in case it doesn't work out?

[bathtub-row]

I don't want to leave. I keep hoping and praying that he will decide to fix things with us. I have invested so much into him and I can't just walk away without giving everything I have. I love this man so much and when we are happy we are so happy. I just wish he would come to me so he can see that the love is still there. I'm exhausted but I feel like I can't leave it like this right? Everything in my heart and soul tells me to push through and it will get better. But my mind and body are so tired.

 

Correction - neither of you are happy. And the truth is, you're just showing him that it's ok to disrespect you in such a way. I would slam the door in his stupid face and tell him to get lost.

 

In case you hadn't figured it out, he is almost certainly cheating on you. Even if he isn't, the way he's behaving is completely unacceptable. The worst thing you could ever do with a person like this is stick around while he treats you this way. I don't know why your parents are encouraging you to stay in a situation like this. It is extremely bad advice.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but continuing to be a victim to this jerk is not ever going to get you anywhere.

[butterfly1958]

In my marriage I struggled many times and separation and divorce were present threats. This was a very painful time in my life. I can sense your pain and loss of vision for your marriage. When I married, my intent was forever. What is your commitment to your marriage? Communication is very essential to all relationships to be successful. When is the best time, from past experience, for you to communicate with your husband? Waiting for the right moment is very helpful in securing a sincere conversation. Marital counseling is usually successful. Counseling individually, or preferably as a couple, may really help you through this emotionally exhausting time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you continue on your journey.