Cheating: Does it come back to you twice as bad?

[oannamarie]

Its been a while since I posted something. The last time I was on I had left my husband because I had feelings for a friend. My husband was abusive and a drug user. Me and my husband were seperated for about two months and went to counseling. We got back together and have been back together for about 10 months. I agreed in the beginning to call my husband often through out the day while at work to make him feel better about trusting me and that I would not see the other guy again (the other man works near my office building). I still call my husband but now he is really obsessive about it. I have to call him when I get off my bus and walk to work. I have to call him from the work phone to show him I am at work, I have to call him while I am walking to a restaurant to get lunch, I have to call him from work when I return and I have to call him while I am waiting for the bus. This is a little annoying and I have mentioned to him that he needs to really start trusting me a little more for our relationship to work. He recently has stopped having sex with me and when I initiate something with him he just gets me off and that is is. Today I called him while going to lunch and told him I would call him back after I checked out. I was in line for a while and he called me back as I was checking out yelling at me telling me he doesnt believe I have been wating that long (Which was only about five minutes) to check out and then he hung up on me. I tried to call him back and he would not answer the phone. I called him several times and when he answered the phone he said he was tired of my Sh***t. I am so confused. I am realy trying to work with him to gain his trust back. Our relationship has been going pretty good. He doesnt use drugs and he doesnt abuse me any more. I sent him a text message asking him what was wrong with him. I got a message back giving me a phone number of a lady who called me and wanted me to return her call and I'll talk with you when you get home. I am so upset. Should I leave since he thinks I am cheating? Is that what he wants. Any advice would be helpful. Some strategies on how to discuss all this with him this afternoon would be helpful as well.

[sparkle & fade]

WELLLLL....he may not be using drugs now BUT he still has an addictive personality. Its what people in AA call "dry drunk" meaning he isnt using but still has the classic symptoms.....This is definately a disaster waiting to happen. He is like a wound up elastic ready to snap. And you cant continue to live your life reporting to your husband/warden.. SO, ask him this: WHY would you get back with him if you were planning on seeing the other guy still? It makes no sense. Tell him you got back with him because: (insert reasons here) and that you obviously thought there was a chance at happiness...but I need to know one thing. In what ways was he abusive?

[oannamarie]

He was physically and mentally abusive to me. I have told him if I wanted the other guy I would have never came back to him. He says I only came back for our kids. I spend every minute I have with him to show him that I care for him and I love him. He just keeps telling me it is hard to trust me. I never had sex with the other guy and the only reason my husband knew about him was because I told him the truth that I was starting to have feelings for this friend. I know now that I didnt really love my friend I just was trying to replace the love my husband didnt give me. I have talked to my family members about how my husband is acting now. My husband has not worked for about 2 1/2 years because he injured his back. He stays home and gets the kids off to work. My family members justify his actions because they said he is upset because he stays home all the time. I dont know if I should be concerned about his actions or take it in stride because I know I hurt him when I left and it will take time to gain trust back.

[ConfusedInOC]

Unfortunately it doesn't look like he is going to trust you anytime soon. How about taking him back to counseling and see if you guys can work this out. The way it is going there's no way this will last. Something has to change.

[oannamarie]

I am assuming you are a male. If your wife did this and you worked things out would you want to check up on her all the time or would you take her word for it. Why does he not seem interested in me anymore. Oh, I also and receiving weird texts periodically from him that make no sense like. Alrighty then and Fine. What is that suppose to mean when I havent sent him anything. Do you think he is pushing me to see if I am still cheating and make be break in and tell him. What is your point of veiw being a guy?

[cranium]

MW had an A with a single co-worker (they still work together). She brought this guy to our home, to our bed, while I was out of town with our son. That was seven months ago.

 

We are in counseling and are doing really well. We have an agreement that she tell me of any interactions they have that are of a personal nature. She will call me once or twice a day, but I don't expect her to check in every hour. While I don't like the fact that they still work together, I trust her.

 

I have mentioned to him that he needs to really start trusting me a little more for our relationship to work.

 

You said it right there. It will take time to regain the trust, but it doesn't appear he is making the effort. If he won't or can't trust you, your reconciliation will be short lived.

 

Get back into counseling and work on this trust issue.

 

Cranium

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/

[Cecelius]

He's not initiating sex because it's too personal. It is possible that he is thinking of the other guy and is turned off.

 

But, this is not your typical cheating story -- his actions in the past clearly were criminal and out of bounds. Can you get him to understand in counselling that he really needs to change if this is going to work?