D-day just happened or did it?

[Crazyninja]

Got this a while ago :

 

Hi,

As you have noticed I've been distant and preoccupied the last few days. I have been thinking hard about what I want and what I need to do for me in all of this. I have hurt you and I've hurt Him and I've hurt myself. I need to change this situation one way or another because it cannot be left as it is... For any of us. I love you soo much, and him, and above all I love my children. I need to make amends to my family and I need to focus on them and only them, for they deserve nothing less than my undivided attention. I need to put some effort into my marriage and I need to see if it's going to work out or not - if it doesn't, I would rather that be the reason for that is that it's run it's natural course, not because of you.

This doesn't change my feelings for you at all, but this is what I need. I need space and time to do this.

I'm asking nothing of you, as I've already taken too much. I'm just asking that you try and understand. I'm sorry.... As usual, but I am.

- it's taken every ounce of courage I have to write and send this, and I can't face talking to you just yet. Believe me when I say this will be just as hard for me as you, but I must do this. For my own peace of mind.

 

So I call her and after a conversation that Included I love yous and I miss yous from both of us, it's been decided that we will still see eachother as friends...because she cannot let me go and to be honest I don't want her to forget me....and again I really do have feelings for her so if there is a chance so be it.... Yes I'm an idiot... But rather be an idiot who tries than an idiot who gives up on what he wants...

 

The question I would like to know is what happens between them now and how likely are they to work through this?

 

I'm going to throw a guess at they will try and it will just slide into there normal and it will be swept under the rug and I'll be picked back up at the next big Argument.

 

Here's the fun part.... Your thoughts and opinions... And be nice I'm hurting, I already knew this was coming and it was enevitable and all the other horrible things... My plan is to just get on with things, meet her and keep in contact as and when she wants and just get stuck into my own life.

 

Thank you all for your advice and support

[Cymbeline]

As you already know, just 'being friends' will

 

A) keep you as plan b and/or an ego boost when she needs it.

 

B) stop them from truly being able to concentrate on their marriage.

 

What benefit (if one may call it that) there will be to this dysfunctional 'friendship' will be entirely hers.

 

Sorry you are going to continue to hurt yourself.

[Popsicle]

You are making a mistake in keeping in contact with her. She is trying to end it and you should let her, or do it yourself.

[anika99]

So basically the affair is going to continue but without sex. Your MOW is going to continue to be a cake eater and you are going to continue to enable her to eat cake, and once she gets over this guilt attack or whatever it is she will probably resume having sex with you too because she is not serious about ending this affair either.

 

You want to know if there was a dday? It doesn't seem like it based on what you said. If her husband discovered the affair wouldn't she have mentioned that?

[S2B]

She wants you to expect less and you've agreed to accept her crumbs.

 

Is that what you really want to settle for in life?

[Gloria_Smellons]

My plan is to ... meet her and keep in contact as and when she wants and just get stuck into my own life.

 

Pick one of those things, because you can't do both.

[sandylee1]

If they truly both want to work on the marriage.....he will likely want her to have no contact with you AT ALL.

 

The just friends thing doesn't work...because you both still (at least you do) have feelings for each other.

While you remain in contact...All it takes is her feeling low and with you in the background....you meet for coffee and one thing leads to another.

 

What happens between them? Well this depends on if he knew about you. You can't take the word of a woman cheating on her H as gospel. She might just be fed up of the sneaking around and pressure from you to be with her. It gets tiresome living a double life.

 

You already know you're signing up for more pain. I know you have feelings for her...but do you really need this drama? I'm pretty sure you could easily find a single woman.... with no ex husband or children to have as part of the package.

 

You need to find your worth..and I'm sure your worth is not being a grown man..sneaking around with another man's wife. Just don't waste years of your life and regret it....While your energetic years are spent as an OM... and down the line women think..something doesn't add up.

[imsosad]

Im sorry youre hurting.

I dont know the background,but im guessing you are a single man,in an affair with a married woman.

I dont think there was a d day. She would have said so.

I do think you might not be aware of the extent of the guilt she is experiencing,towards her H and their kids. I say this as a mom myself,who has had an A. It take a toll on your parenting. You are distracted, going on emotional highs and lows. You know you are jepordizing your children's happiness. I really get what she is saying about wanting to give her family the attention they deserve.

If you really love this woman,let her go.

Being friends is, sorry, a silly and childish idea. You are resuming your A.think about this:eventually,she might blame you for problems that occur with her kids. She is trying to do the right thing. She is right about trying to work on her marriage and if it is doomed,then it is not because of you,but because of its own dynamics.

Letting her go is the smartest,kindest thing you can do. It is also the hardest.

I said very similar things to my ex AP and i am grateful to him that he was able to respect my wish. If he had persisted,i would have gone back for sure.

You are in the middle of a huge mess. You are making it worse.

The chances of your A working out as a relationship are next to nill.

Are you willing to be a step dad to kids,who might blame you for breaking up their family?

Why do you want to settle for being her second best?

Also,i got the feeling you are hoping for a dday. You must know that dday might actually bring them closer,get them in to counselling,etc.

Go no contact. You deserve a satisfying relationship. She need to sort out her marriage. Neither of you will get that done while still entangled in an A.

Affairs can not lead to happiness and peace of mind. The amount of deceit makes them hurtful to everyone involved.

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

NC is the only way to go. Friends? Bullcrap...All that does is keep the feelings alive, keeps her from reconnecting and investing in her marriage and keeping her family from being number one priority. It'll be an EA and the A will continue on some level.

 

You deserve better than to wait it out and hope she'll choose you some day. Maybe you need suffer a lot of pain until you can't take it anymore before you walk away and go NC.

[RySant]

Everyday, as I go here in LS, and play my part of advocating Honesty and respect, "Anti-Affair" campaign etc etc. I know I feel like I am doing the right thing. But after reading stories like these, I am starting to wonder... Am I doing it right? Do I have the right mindset or I am just naive? Is it true that love is love? That love expires? *sigh*

 

OP, I am sorry you are hurting, and I also know how scary it is to feel shen the person you love most have this possibility of forgetting you. But I also know that once you get better, moved on, that "scary thing" won't even matter anymore. Stay NC, and start to heal. She made her choice. Keeping you as a friend will only make you suffer alone. Start finding your own significant other, who can make you her priority.

[Gigi2015]

Got this a while ago :

 

Hi,

As you have noticed I've been distant and preoccupied the last few days. I have been thinking hard about what I want and what I need to do for me in all of this. I have hurt you and I've hurt Him and I've hurt myself. I need to change this situation one way or another because it cannot be left as it is... For any of us. I love you soo much, and him, and above all I love my children. I need to make amends to my family and I need to focus on them and only them, for they deserve nothing less than my undivided attention. I need to put some effort into my marriage and I need to see if it's going to work out or not - if it doesn't, I would rather that be the reason for that is that it's run it's natural course, not because of you.

This doesn't change my feelings for you at all, but this is what I need. I need space and time to do this.

I'm asking nothing of you, as I've already taken too much. I'm just asking that you try and understand. I'm sorry.... As usual, but I am.

- it's taken every ounce of courage I have to write and send this, and I can't face talking to you just yet. Believe me when I say this will be just as hard for me as you, but I must do this. For my own peace of mind.

 

So I call her and after a conversation that Included I love yous and I miss yous from both of us, it's been decided that we will still see eachother as friends...because she cannot let me go and to be honest I don't want her to forget me....and again I really do have feelings for her so if there is a chance so be it.... Yes I'm an idiot... But rather be an idiot who tries than an idiot who gives up on what he wants...

 

The question I would like to know is what happens between them now and how likely are they to work through this?

 

I'm going to throw a guess at they will try and it will just slide into there normal and it will be swept under the rug and I'll be picked back up at the next big Argument.

 

Here's the fun part.... Your thoughts and opinions... And be nice I'm hurting, I already knew this was coming and it was enevitable and all the other horrible things... My plan is to just get on with things, meet her and keep in contact as and when she wants and just get stuck into my own life.

 

Thank you all for your advice and support

 

 

You are dancing around in circles. There's no TRUE chance for your own family as long as you allow another influence in your mind. Same thing goes for her....no real change....you'll fall back on your old patterns or hold on to them them as a crutch.

[Crazyninja]

Her husband found out about a week ago, she told him everything, well he read a massive amount in email from talk of children and sex and how much she loves me and visa versa to talk about how much she hates him and how unhappy she is and how much she wants to leave him but can't because she's stuck. She said I was her soulmate, lover, best friend.

 

His response was:

If the AP is what you want then keep him around, i would rather have you in my life than not.

I'm sorry.

If I sleep with someone else we are even.

 

That's what there conversation have been.

 

What are the actual chances of reconciliation after all this has been said and he knows pretty much everything.

[Gigi2015]

Her husband found out about a week ago, she told him everything, well he read a massive amount in email from talk of children and sex and how much she loves me and visa versa to talk about how much she hates him and how unhappy she is and how much she wants to leave him but can't because she's stuck. She said I was her soulmate, lover, best friend.

 

His response was:

If the AP is what you want then keep him around, i would rather have you in my life than not.

I'm sorry.

If I sleep with someone else we are even.

 

That's what there conversation have been.

 

What are the actual chances of reconciliation after all this has been said and he knows pretty much everything.

 

I don't know....you are not part of that relationship (bond, memories, etc..). So--irs impossible for you to truly understand. My parents divorced over an affair and remarried a year later. Putting pressure on the situation tends to cause a temporary knee jerk reaction. The only way to know is to get space to promote clarity and base decisions on facts, actions rather than words.

[HappyAgain2014]

I think she was feeling pressure to do something so she told you he found out then a few days later... She nicely ends the affair or at least your expectations of her leaving her marriage. Essentially she's managed you.

 

I don't think her husband knows. She wanted to regain control and make sure you didn't notify her husband.

 

If I was you, I blow the whole thing up but clearly that's your choice.

 

She's playing everyone.

[elaine567]

...as I said in your last thread today. #19

"Sorry but you could waste a lot of time here, time you could spend moving on and finding an available woman to love and a woman who loves you back."

[OneLov]

What are the actual chances of reconciliation after all this has been said and he knows pretty much everything.

 

It's irrelevant to what you should be thinking now. If you love her, then you will want what is best for her. What is best for her right now is cleaning up the mess at home. What is best for you now is to try to begin to move on. I am sorry for your pain, but mentally waiting around will only bring you more.

[sandylee1]

She hates him? After that passionate kiss you saw right?

 

She's managed to end it..keeping you from blowing it all up after that. I highly doubt he knows ANYTHING about you. She's done what MM do when they decide to end the A....they say wife is suspicious. They don't want OW freaking out coz she was dumped.

 

I've advised some WSs to do exactly that when they thought the AP would go crazy and expose. It's stage managed. Feed the first story.....give it a couple of weeks.... gently end it saying the BS knows....to avoid the s**t hitting the fan.

[Popsicle]

Her husband found out about a week ago, she told him everything, well he read a massive amount in email from talk of children and sex and how much she loves me and visa versa to talk about how much she hates him and how unhappy she is and how much she wants to leave him but can't because she's stuck. She said I was her soulmate, lover, best friend.

 

His response was:

If the AP is what you want then keep him around, i would rather have you in my life than not.

I'm sorry.

If I sleep with someone else we are even.

 

That's what there conversation have been.

 

What are the actual chances of reconciliation after all this has been said and he knows pretty much everything.

 

Very very very high.

[Red123]

She hates him? After that passionate kiss you saw right?

 

She's managed to end it..keeping you from blowing it all up after that. I highly doubt he knows ANYTHING about you. She's done what MM do when they decide to end the A....they say wife is suspicious. They don't want OW freaking out coz she was dumped.

 

I've advised some WSs to do exactly that when they thought the AP would go crazy and expose. It's stage managed. Feed the first story.....give it a couple of weeks.... gently end it saying the BS knows....to avoid the s**t hitting the fan.

 

I found an email after Dday where my H did just that. He told the MOW that I was watching his every move and reading his texts and emails. He told her not to contact him because I would see it. At that time I had no idea anything was going on. I had no access to his email and I never looked at his phone. It was a month into the A and he was trying to end it. He was afraid she would lose it at work and expose them so he was lying to end it quietly. Lying, how weird, she thought he only did that with me.

[Grammie]

Why do AP's who say they love each other think that their lover will "forget them" if they do NC for a few days/weeks? That doesn't sound like love, that sounds like infatuation.

 

In your situation, sounds like you agreed for her to not be in much contact and you accept whatever time she gives you. . The words "I love you" don't mean anything without action. Anyone can say those words.

[imsosad]

Eh, i still think he knows nothing.

She is trying to end things smoothly with you,because she suspects you might out her to her husband.

Look, these situations are stresfull and explosive.they bring out the worst in the people involved. She might be a terrific woman,but right now she feels guilty and scared,so its not a stretch to assume she is manipulating you.

You cant control her mind and her emotions.

Maybe she gave in to being friends because it soothed you.

Be kind,tell her you are not going to tell her H anything no matter what happens. Give her time to sort out her mess.

Focus on yourself. Are you single?divorced?do you have kids?

What do you want your life to look like a year from now?

You are an adult. Make grown up decisions. Staying friends is barely teenage level.

Youll have to go through some pain,but ultimately,you can create a much better life for yourself.

I wish you the best

[Lois_Griffin]

So, you've basically agreed to settle for even LESS than you were getting before, because your selfish OW STILL wants to keep you on the fishing line as an option.

 

Got it.

 

May I assume you're prepared to gather up the paltry crumbs she'll occasionally be throwing you way, and trying desperately to create a 7-course meal out of them?

[sandylee1]

So, you've basically agreed to settle for even LESS than you were getting before, because your selfish OW STILL wants to keep you on the fishing line as an option.

 

Got it.

 

May I assume you're prepared to gather up the paltry crumbs she'll occasionally be throwing you way, and trying desperately to create a 7-course meal out of them?

 

Lois

 

You can be pretty harsh in your responses....but this ^^^^^^^ is exactly what it is.