Need a new peroectuve....feeling rejected

[KittyKat67]

I understand that my childhood friend has been raising 5 kids herself living off the grid homeschooling them and is insanely attached to them. One is off in college now, the other two girls are 17,16, and 10.

 

AFter being best friends/sisters for 5 years we got into a fight and went a different direction. After 10 years are now reunited and feel like old times again, we got into another fight, but has since made up.

 

Now, before we talked every day, maybe too much. Now, this is the response I got because we did video/chat on facebook twice in the last month but no more conversations.

 

""""I'm really sorry that I"m not available. I'm sewn into mother duties between 5am and 10pm. I would love to talk more though and am a bit lonely. "

 

Then when I said that she didn't have time to strengthen our sisterhood she replied she didn't say that. Well I'm frankly tired of chasing this girl. I have posted a few times about how she hasn't been there for me to talk, I mean really talk and have a deeper connection which led to the frusteration that caused the first fight. She has been a childhood friend wo I really love dearly. I am not sure how to feel. She doesn't ever seem to be able to talk. Really she blurts out the day talking a mile a min, and I never get a word in, then she has to go. I don't feel like its the deep connection that I want with a fried and its frusterating because I know that she love me dearly. But to tell me she is busy from 5am to 10pm? I dunnnno...

 

How do you have a best friend/sister who never has time for you?

Edited February 3, 2016 by KittyKat67

[bigbaby]

I go much more with someone's actions over their words.

 

 

Does it really matter anyway if she's truly made her family her life every waking moment or is using that as an excuse to blow you off gracefully? Either way, she's made it clear that she's not very available to you and not as invested in the friendship as you are.

 

 

From the other end, it's also unpleasant to have someone refuse to take a hint and try to push themselves on you and demand friendship that you don't want to give. No one owes us friendship at all or at the level we want, and they do have the right to change those boundaries any time they decide to.

 

 

There shouldn't be any fighting over this. Sometimes it hurts, yes, but you need to move on and form new friendships with people who want them. Good luck.

[KittyKat67]

I go much more with someone's actions over their words.

 

 

Does it really matter anyway if she's truly made her family her life every waking moment or is using that as an excuse to blow you off gracefully? Either way, she's made it clear that she's not very available to you and not as invested in the friendship as you are.

 

 

From the other end, it's also unpleasant to have someone refuse to take a hint and try to push themselves on you and demand friendship that you don't want to give. No one owes us friendship at all or at the level we want, and they do have the right to change those boundaries any time they decide to.

 

 

There shouldn't be any fighting over this. Sometimes it hurts, yes, but you need to move on and form new friendships with people who want them. Good luck.

 

The confusion is that I know that she really loves me and am wondering if we really still are besties, just I need to give her space because she is raising kids. I'm just confused that somebody woulnd't have any time for you. I feel like I'm waiting for her to have time, I waitied for 10 years for her to finally talk to me and she did......I guess I'm having a hard time accepting Im being blown off because I feel as though she is just really busy, but I do want to know the truth and others perepctives

[KittyKat67]

I go much more with someone's actions over their words.

 

 

Does it really matter anyway if she's truly made her family her life every waking moment or is using that as an excuse to blow you off gracefully? Either way, she's made it clear that she's not very available to you and not as invested in the friendship as you are.

 

 

From the other end, it's also unpleasant to have someone refuse to take a hint and try to push themselves on you and demand friendship that you don't want to give. No one owes us friendship at all or at the level we want, and they do have the right to change those boundaries any time they decide to.

 

 

There shouldn't be any fighting over this. Sometimes it hurts, yes, but you need to move on and form new friendships with people who want them. Good luck.

 

Is it possible that I'm missing something and just expecting too much? I don't have kids so I have much more free time. I just expect my friends to be there. If you are my good friend, there is never not a good time with me. if i can help you I will if I can't I;ll tell you so. She is ALWAYS too busy with her own life to ever really listen to what I need a friend for. But I feel closer to her than ny friend that I have ever had, but I feel like I"m chasing her. She keeps telling me she loves me.

[bigbaby]

I know it really does suck when someone pulls away from you and that's not what you want. It's hard and can be confusing.

 

 

My take on it (and it's only that since I'm not there) is that she is fond of you but she has other priorities and wants you to back off.

 

 

From this perspective, it's pretty straightforward. If you are demanding and don't back off, she will come to dread your calls and avoid you, perhaps permanently. We really HAVE to give someone their space immediately just because we see that they want it. Otherwise, they resent it and those fond feelings turn to annoyance.

 

 

I think you need to let her contact you and start working on making other friends. Maybe in a few years she won't be as busy or the two of you will have more in common again or whatever.

 

 

I have a couple of people who pushed and pushed and refused to back off and tbh, I grew to hate them.

 

 

Sorry your friend has backed off and doesn't seem to have time for you anymore.

[KittyKat67]

I know it really does suck when someone pulls away from you and that's not what you want. It's hard and can be confusing.

 

 

My take on it (and it's only that since I'm not there) is that she is fond of you but she has other priorities and wants you to back off.

 

 

From this perspective, it's pretty straightforward. If you are demanding and don't back off, she will come to dread your calls and avoid you, perhaps permanently. We really HAVE to give someone their space immediately just because we see that they want it. Otherwise, they resent it and those fond feelings turn to annoyance.

 

 

I think you need to let her contact you and start working on making other friends. Maybe in a few years she won't be as busy or the two of you will have more in common again or whatever.

 

 

I have a couple of people who pushed and pushed and refused to back off and tbh, I grew to hate them.

 

 

Sorry your friend has backed off and doesn't seem to have time for you anymore.

 

Thanks that was good advice. WE are facebook friends and she give me a like to eerything I post. I guess part of my anger now is that she is creeping on my facebook page but I want her to call!! Does it seem petty to unfriend her? At this point, I rather unfriend her and just tell her to contact me when her kids are all grown and out of the house.

[bigbaby]

I wouldn't because in a way it's the same problem as if you kept calling her and demanding more attention. It shows anger, which when you think about it includes entitlement. It means you believe she owes you the level of friendship that you want, otherwise why would you be angry at not getting it? And, unfortunately, friendship is not owed to us just because we used to get it or just because we want it.

 

 

 

As is, "liking" your FB posts but declining the phone or in-person time reflects that at this time, she wants a connection with you, but not a close one.

 

 

I think if you de-friend her and send her a message about get back to you when she does have time for you, that's going to make her think you're demanding and don't respect her desire for space and she probably will not get back to you. She might grow to hate you if you cling or demand and don't respect the boundaries she's put up.

 

 

Up to you of course but if it was me, I'd get out there (meetup.com, for example) and make new friends that want the closeness you do and probably also those who have more in common with you as far as stage of life. Or, try to rekindle or strengthen other friendships that you already have. Let her be the acquaintance that she wants to be or most likely lose her for good.

 

 

I mean it, there is just no way around accepting someone's wishes even if they're not ours. Wanting more space trumps wanting less space. Unfortunately.

[basil67]

Is it possible that I'm missing something and just expecting too much? I don't have kids so I have much more free time. I just expect my friends to be there. If you are my good friend, there is never not a good time with me.

 

If you expect others to treat you as you treat them, then you ARE expecting too much.

 

Our friends have lives which can take priority over friendships. Work, husband, kids, family, other friends, illness, sports etc. I think a good friend knows that sometimes aren't good times but we feel secure in the knowledge that when the time is right, we will see them again.

 

When I read what your friend wrote, I interpret that as her being overwhelmed and just hanging on. It's wrong to put expectations on someone who's already overwhelmed.

 

As for this friend, I think you just need to accept that she is no longer a close friend and that you may not be hanging out with her in future. And no, don't unfriend her on FB - this would just be spiteful on your part. Friends come and go in our lives - it's sad but it's normal and it's really not worth getting angry or spiteful over.

 

Reading back on your previous posts, you have made a lot of complaints about friends. Am I right in assuming the posts are not all about the one person? If they are all different friends you're having the same issue with, then I would suggest it's time to go back over that workshop you did last year about not having expectations of your friends.

[basil67]

Thanks that was good advice. WE are facebook friends and she give me a like to eerything I post. I guess part of my anger now is that she is creeping on my facebook page but I want her to call!! Does it seem petty to unfriend her? At this point, I rather unfriend her and just tell her to contact me when her kids are all grown and out of the house.

 

It's highly unlikely that she's creeping your page. She would just be liking your comments as they come up on her feed.

 

Having a good friend become no longer being close is sad. But it's not deserving of anger.

[whichwayisup]

She isn't going to go out of her way right now to hang out and spend lots of time talking to you. Don't take it so personally. Some of her kids are young, she is homeschooling them and is extremely busy and doesn't have a whole lot of extra time on her hands.

 

Don't over react and just put yourself in her shoes. Have faith that the friendship is fine and you don't need to talk daily or even weekly.

 

Don't fight with her either! It's just not worth it..friends are gifts!

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible that I'm missing something and just expecting too much? I don't have kids so I have much more free time. I just expect my friends to be there. If you are my good friend, there is never not a good time with me.

 

Putting expectations on friends makes one LOSE friends.

 

You don't have kids (let alone FIVE of them) so you really have no idea how busy her life is. She cannot be there for you all the time. She isn't going to put you ahead of her own children. Sorry but that's just how it goes. Don't be angry about it, or take it personally. I mean what if one her kids was really ill, throwing up and you called wanting to talk to her... Of course she is going to tell you sorry another time we'll talk because she can't leave her ill child. Again, just put yourself in her shoes before you judge her or put expectations on her.

 

I believe if you just enjoy the times you do talk, the times you two are able to get together and focus on the happier times instead of pushing it's not enough or putting expectations on her, things will be better and you will feel less stressed about it.

[preraph]

Having kids usually means your time is no longer your own unless you also planned having them and prepared financially for it and can afford childcare, etc. I have a friend that says similar things. She actually mentioned trying to go do something additional not long ago and I said, Sure, I can almost always take a couple or three hours off in my day and was very happy she wanted to do more. And then she immediately caught herself, realizing how hard it is for her to take off from her kid duties and some work duties and her face fell and she said, "I know. It's me." It is her.

 

It is frustrating to be on the other end of it. I mean, parents make choices after a certain point. In her case, she lets her boy refuse to get a driver's license so he could take himself around and help pick up the little one. She allows that when she should be shoving him into a driver's ed class and making him do it. He will likely still be playing video games in his room when he's 35 at this rate. So I love her to death, but she puts whatever her children WANT (not even need) ahead of what she wants and needs. She doesn't have to do that, so I don't act like it's okay with me. But it's her kids and she is who she is, so it's not going to change just because she'd like to go to a movie with me sometime.

 

And once the kids are grown, then it's grandkids. This girl just blew off trying to do some film work because of her kids and a very bad paying substitute teaching job. So she's got it in her head that she's no longer allowed to have a life outside of her kids and even though it bothers her, she doesn't have the courage or common sense to change it to accommodate her own needs, and so far she's blind to the fact that it's her job to give them skills to become an adult, not just enable them to remain children.

[KittyKat67]

Well I understand evernyone's points and they make sense. I do want to way that we were incredibly close before so thats why this is weird. And If I moved to her town she would want to hang out and if i told her I'm busy but just said hi when we bumped into eachother in town, she woud feel rejected and weird, which is how I feel.

[KittyKat67]

Putting expectations on friends makes one LOSE friends.

 

You don't have kids (let alone FIVE of them) so you really have no idea how busy her life is. She cannot be there for you all the time. She isn't going to put you ahead of her own children. Sorry but that's just how it goes. Don't be angry about it, or take it personally. I mean what if one her kids was really ill, throwing up and you called wanting to talk to her... Of course she is going to tell you sorry another time we'll talk because she can't leave her ill child. Again, just put yourself in her shoes before you judge her or put expectations on her.

 

I believe if you just enjoy the times you do talk, the times you two are able to get together and focus on the happier times instead of pushing it's not enough or putting expectations on her, things will be better and you will feel less stressed about it.

Her oldest is away in college, her other one is 17, 16 and 10. They are not homeschooled anymore. I just feel as though that for whatever reason she needs her space. I did that to someone that they cut me off. I do know that if the right guy came along she would make time though, I know this to be true. What kills me is that for our level of frienship I thought we would be there. My dog is old and she is not even here for me about this after I have had my dog for 15 years. Do I sound like an entitled brat or something? I just know that I waited over 10 years for her to contact me and she finally did and now I guess i do feel freken entitled. Maybe its not fair because its always on her terms and I"m sick of it.

Edited February 8, 2016 by KittyKat67

[preraph]

Well, that is what happens when you let people push you outside your own comfort zone to accommodate them. That's why it's not good to do it too often because they aren't ever going back to 50/50.

 

My best buddy who I got together with a couple times a month (we're old -- don't go do things too much) dropped me like a hot potato because she suddenly decided to start dating this guy she's been putting off all these years and she's letting him call all the shots and be pushy about seeing her more than she's comfortable with, and she's been run down from not having any down time, but I was the first to go. And yet she will say that's not why and say she's tired and doesn't feel good, and that may be true, but that's because he's running her down and she's letting him. Not a thing I can do about it. I've talked to her about it already and she just won't admit that she got a boyfriend so now she's blowing off everyone else. Glad I'm used to doing things alone. I haven't missed her as much as I expected to. And one of my other friends has been making more of an effort, so that's good.

Edited February 8, 2016 by preraph