Share Your Experience To Help Me Understand

[harleygirl92156]

I wonder if my husband can ever be happy with just one woman in his life.

He was faithful to me for the first 7 years of our marriage, then he started drinking again after 10 years sober. During his six year relapse he cheated on me at least once and it was a long term thing sort of, lasted a year but they only slept together three times).

 

Well now he is sober again and in discussions and confessions I have learned some new information and put some old information together and find that this man has had little or no respect for marriage at anytime in his life EXCEPT for the seven years he was sober and married to me.

 

In his early 20's he had a child with a woman who was married, this was the result of a long term affair.

 

In his mid-20's he had a one night stand with his brothers wife while his brothers infant twin daughters slept in their crib in the room. This one night stand resulted in a pregnancy and ultimate abortion. His brother does not know to this day and that was 22 years ago.

 

He was married before and cheated on her once during the marriage and later they split and he was with several women during their seperation, they got back together, he cheated again and it ended. I might add he was drinking heavily during this marriage.

 

So I sit and wonder, he is now sober, swears he only wants me and as long as he is sober he will be faithful. If you read my posts, you will find that this statement from him is most likely untrue as he has already been caught working the AA meetings for chicks that are easy and been caught with one.

 

I do not want to end this marriage, it is my second. I am in Al anon and an aftercare program and he attends AA and aftercare. We are going to counseling, but I still have this nagging doubt that he will never be happy with just one woman, even if he remains faithful, he will never be happy. I don't want to be with a man who isn't happy with me and me alone. I am not ready to move on, but have move out of our marriage bed. I am detaching lovingly, and still maintain a relationship with him but with out intimacy.

 

I want him to go to counseling alone and figure out why he needs to seduce women. I have not discussed this with him yet as I don't know how to approch the topic without seeming demanding or controling.

 

Has anyone else had this type of problem with a boyfriend or husband. Did you stay in the relationship, were they faithful, are you happy???? I am not ready to move on just yet, but really have huge doubts.

 

I know some of you will just come in and say dump him, move on, get the heck out of the relationship. Trust me, I have been told this already. I want to find out some other true life experience with this type of situation and what happened and what was done to make the situation better.

 

I don't want to spend my life wondering if I have an STD everytime I get an itch down there and I don't want to play detective anymore.

 

Constructive suggestions or stories of your experience with this type of thing and how you handled it or how it came out are requested here.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

God Bless

[LoveNoLoss]

Harley,

 

No worries on the cut and dry post of "dump" him from me. You won't get that because I hate those posts too. Hopefully I can help you on this one. I was married to the man of my dreams for 7 years. We were always affectionate to each other, enjoyed every min together, took international trips around the world, went out of our way for each other... etc... you name it. He never abused me, hit me...whatever and I think he raised his voice at me a total of 5 times during our entire marriage... Many people were envious of us because it was a very loving and respectful marriage.... at least so it appeared.

 

He was a musician and travelled alot out of town on the weekends. Within the first year of our marriage, I caught him having an emotional affair with some married woman that use to come see the band. Needless to say, I was devestated but I stuck it out anyway. We never had closure on the affair because he would brush it under the carpet every time I wanted to talk about it. Shortly after, we moved several states away. About 3 years after that, I found some emails to the very same woman. I was devestated again. I told him if he ever did this to me again, I would divorce him. Once again, I lost trust in him and he brushed that under the carpet too. He enjoyed playing in a band more than being with me and coupled with my lack of trust I had, I ended up having my own affair.

 

Here is where it gets complicated. BECAUSE of my affair, I found out he had 7 affairs while we were married. One woman in particular he was with for 2 years. She was also married. He had bi-lateral affairs at times. He had a girl in every city plus the long term one that lived up the street from us. I was mortified. It took 4 months for him to spill the whole truth and even now I don't think I know everything. SSSLLLOOWWLLLYYY.... it went from 3 girls to a total of 7. Those 4 months were like a knife twisting in my gut. Every single time I found out about a new girl I would get sick and feel like I was going to pass out... after I found out about the last one (which I always suspected) I ripped all his clothes apart and screamed into a pile of them as loud as I could. My throat went numb because I damaged it from screaming so loud. I can't tell you the pain I had but to this day I pray I never have it again.

 

It has been almost a year since D-day. He has quit all bands, thrown himself into therapy and wants me back like nobody's biz. Bottom line, I was duped. My dreams are no longer alive. My marriage slowly crumbled beneath me. I should have got out at the beginning. By the way, he was married whem I met him... he dumped his wife that he claimed to no longer love and married me. Red flag there!!!

 

I also found out that he didn't use condoms which was probably the breaking point for me. I actually hit him in the chest when I found out. I actually know why lovers kill each other He put my life in danger... the good news is that I got checked and I am clean.

 

Why did he do this? Well, he says he had low self esteem and needed his ego stroked. Ok... which one comes first, the chicken or the egg? Does one get in a band to get their ego stroked or does one get a large head in a band and need to get their ego stroked? Hard to say... but cheating is cheating. Being in a band doesn't equal sleeping with everything that moves. Obviously his ego was more important than I was... the woman he claimed to love more than anything .... and still does. He admits now that it was a horrible thing to do and claims he is making changes. I ask you, how does one trust again??? My husband is a serial cheater bottom line. From many people I talk to and from the research I have done, these people stand little chance of changing. The begging and pleading and please come back to me are all part of the scenario. Im not saying he isn't sincere, he may believe that he is changing but many times they just end up falling back into the same patterns.

 

My husband has been chasing women his whole life... now he is chasing me. I have thought many times of going back to him because sometimes I miss our life together. Then I remember all the weekends alone I spent wishing he was with me.... I was alone, he wasn't.

 

Harley, I know this is very difficult. I really feel your pain and the struggle you go through every min of every day. You will have to make a choice either way. YOU know what you can live with. Doens't matter what friends, family or anyone on this board says.... YOU are the one that will live and be married to this man. His history doens't sound good. It sound like alot of it is related to his drinking which is a double whammo. However it is not an excuse either. You have to decide if you can trust him and what you are willing to live with. I understand about wondering if every itch is an STD. Do you want to live your life that way? Do you love him enough to put up with those feelings? You won't decide this over night. But you will come to a decision. Decide if you love him enough and want to stick it out or if you deserve better. On the outside, I would say you deserve better, but that would be just "one of those emails" wouldn't it?

[StillHurtin]

I am not going to be the one to tell you to dump him either b/c it's your choice, your life, so I wont tell you what you need to do.

 

My H was an alcholic since the time we met up until almost 4 years ago. During his drunken times there was abuse (after we got M). After 10 years of putting up w/ this s*** I told him he either quits drinking and get help w/ his anger or the kids and I were leaving. Well, he quit drinking, got professional help w/ his anger. A year and half later he filed for a D saying he was tired of all the fighting, tired of us both being unhappy. A week after he filed for a D I heard rumors that he was having an A w/ a co-worker. I knew the OW for 3 years, when H started working at the same place. She would come over and talk to me when I would go see H at work, or at employee functions. One day she ran out of the office to come over to say hi and she put her arm around my neck and hugged me. I didn't like her and tired ignoring her b/c I knew she was after H from the night I met her and things just got worse. H would talk about her all the time. I finally got sick of it and asked him if he wanted to sleep w/ her and he said if he wasn't M he would. Since he filed for a D I kicked him out of our home and that is when I heard they were having an A. Late one night (a week after H filed) he called me and said he thought he moved too fast w/ the D and was having second thoughts about ending the M. I told him that I wasn't sure what I wanted b/c if he was screwing around w/ her then I didn't want the M to work. He denied it, said they were just friends. I called her myself and she of course denied it. Then a week later H called me and wanted to tell me that the OW also filed a D from her H and it had nothing to do w/ him (he wanted to tell me b4 I heard it from someone else).HA! I didn't believe that one at all! Kind of obivious a week after H filed for a D she does. Anyhoo, they continued to deny the A even though I got calls almost daily from friends that heard more about the two of them. About 2 months later our children and I moved back to my hometown to start a new life and H called me and admitted everything. He said he wants the M to work and if he wants me to take him back he has to start being honest w/ me about everything. Hearing it from him was like a knife going through my heart. I have never felt so much pain. I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted, I needed time. A few months later after talking to him every night for several hours on the phone I realized that he was sincere w/ his words. I took him back but we continued to stay separated. It has been 2 years since the A and I still have jealousy of the OW. She had what H wanted at the time and he left me for her, but yet, he came back to me. There is still a lot of trust issues. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. I want to, I can't live in a M w/o trust. I don't worry about him when he leaves the house or anything, but I still check his cell phone bills to make sure there is no numbers on there I don't know. It makes me sick that I am this way. I hope and pray that one day, I can learn to trust him again. I don't really think H would have another A, but if he does, I am prepared to kick his butt to the curb b/c I wont take him back the second time, I can't. I can't go through this again. The best thing I have been doing is taking it day by day, it helps.

I hope that your H can continue to stay faithful to you and stays away from the drinking. GL and hugs

[lilmoma1973]

hey lovenoloss,

my h is in a band and he has cheated on me before with his ex gf he has a son with .. he said it was a mistake and he will never do it again.. how do you trust someone that is a in a band? my h is a singer.. he don't want me to go to his shows says im too negative and closed minded.. i will not support him if he don't want me there!! i have my guard up i expect the unexpected that way i will never be disappointed.. maybe we can pm each other sometime .. good luck Harley good luck to you also .. hang in there if you think it is worth it.. if not move on.. its all in what you want and need..