Reading cards/letters from OW

[aloneinTX]

Has anyone's SO let you read the cards/letters for the OW/OM? I have read all the crap and it answered a lot of questions about the A. Now what should I do with them?

 

Thought about giving them to her family members and say "here go the family reunion and have a blast on me" Making copies and pasting along her road, bet her H would like to read them

 

What are your thoughts?

[quankanne]

if I were really pissed off at my husband, I'd wait until he was on an involved "mission" on the toilet then walk in with them in my hand asking about them. Because I'd have a captive audience for a good while ... and it would give a new meaning to "shxt or get off the pot."

 

if I wanted to be really sneaky, I'd write a guilt inducing letter then leave it with his batch of love letters from his mistress. I'd ask about the affair, I'd ask about the marriage, I'd ask if he's the one who was going to resolve the problem or if it's going to be me. I'd lay on the line whhat exactly he's lost by screwing aroiund on me, and what additional things he'll lose if he doesn't put his efforts back into the marriage. It's one thing to make the move to end a relationship that you feel isn't working, and another to sneak around and screwing the lives of your spouse and lover, because you can lie to both about your intentions/situation.

 

but before you do anything that involves him, take a good look at yourself and your marriage, and ask "what do I want from this?" do you want to stay in a relationship that he's half-heartedly devoting himself to, or do you feel he's got it within himself to help your marriage heal? is this your chance to cut loose dead wood and start live over on your terms? What do you want? i think once you figure that out, you'll know exactly what to do with his letters.

[aloneinTX]

the cards/letters are from an A that ended about 4 months ago. I knew of it then, had been bugging DH to let me read the OW letters. Now that I know in her own words the lies she told, and her fake intentions of leaving her DH & kids.....thought I might just have some fun with the letters. I know OW & her DH families very well. OW husband was in on the A also by encouraging it they have an open marriage and any friend(s) they try to invite in for fun So in her "own words & handwriting" I can prove just how trashy and how many A's she has had.

 

The letters really eased my mind by knowing she was telling DH what he wanted/needed to hear. At no point did she every include part of her life other than how much sex was needed or how good it was. There was no openness or building a foundation of a relationship (like when dating).......the get to know each other talks. My mind had run wild of how strong the relationship was then reading I learned there really wasn't anything to it.

[SweetSerenity]

What do you hope to gain by acting immature? She'll have the last laugh because you've poured all your energy into doing something very immature. Sure I know you're hurt and this isn't to bash you but I'd not do it and instead I'd try and let it go. You can do this by writing a letter addressed to her and getting out all yoru feelings in that letter. Then put that letter up on your dresser or entertainment center but don't mail it. Soon enough you'll start to feel better then you can come back to that letter in a week or a couple of weeks and rip it up and toss it out along with the cards and letters she gave to your husband. I just do not see any good coming from your vindictive behavior.

[StillHurtin]

You've gotten some good advice so far. I would trash those cards and letters. In fact, I would burn them so you wouldn't have the urge to grab them out of the trash as soon as you threw them in. Nothing good will come out of doing what you want to do. You will be lowering yourself to the OW's level and she isn't worth it.

 

My H's ex OW never gave him any cards or letters, that I know of, but H wrote her several poems and a love letter in which the OW's H found and he gave me a copies of each one. When H moved back in w/ me he told me to burn them so they went in the burn barrell. Reading those letters and poems made me so sick to my stomach. The part that bothers me the most is when he said he wanted to share his life, and his children w/ her. NO way in he!! was she going to be near my children. Especially when she got drunk and tried committing suicide when she was pg w/ her youngest child. If she could do that to her own unborn child, what was she capable of doing to my children. I even told my lawyer I don't want my kids going down and spending the night w/ her and H and he was going to put that in the divorce decree but only could do it if I didn't have any men staying the night w/ me. That wasn't a problem. He told the OW he loved her, and if he could, he would marry her that day. When I spoke about the love letters/poems to my counselor he asked me if I ever thought I was in love but wasn't. That made me realize that it could be possible he said those things but deep down he didn't mean it.

 

Throw those cards out and work on your M, if you want it to work. GL, I know how hard it is to read those words.

[Syncerity]

always easier said than done by someone else...the act of what you want to do may seem childish/immature to them, but i doubt if they would just burn and let the letters B..7 times out of 10 they would be so hurt and distraught wouldnt know what to do, might even do what your thinkin of doing with the posting letters of the affair,etc...folks always so quick to bash and say something is immature, bet they are folks who dont really like to have fun..ill honestly say, if i had that access to the letters, i would probaly do something of that nature as well, they dont say payback is a bytch for nothin...call me immature if u like because i would do that, but id sleep like this at night ...gotta live life up sometimes folks, stop bein so damn serious

[izzybelle]

perhaps as an ex OW i shouldn't butt in here but, i will anyway! in retrospect, and from reading here and in the OW forum, i have learned alot about the fallout and pain caused by these messes, in addition to the pain i went through. and there's no way, i'd go there again. heck i've even been hesitant to get involved with the man i'm seeing now because his divorce isn't final yet (any day, and yes, i know he's telling the truth). but i have to wonder ....

 

aloneinTX, you seem to be somewhat comforted by the fact that your H wasn't forming a strong bond with this OW, but, and i know each situation is different, i'm not sure i understand how this somehow makes you feel better. and i haven't been exactly in your place, and i know i don't completely understand, but i'm not sure i'd feel more OK with things knowing that my spouse was just screwing around with someone who had no intention of ever forming a more permanent bond, and that he perhaps didn't have any intention of that either. somehow, for me, the fact that someone cheated on me just for the sex wouldn't make me feel any better. if it helps you, that's great, but i'd drop it and let it go as i know some have suggested.

 

if her H knows, posting things doesn't sound like it would have a major impact on her marriage. to say nothing of the fact that you'll then be opening your H up to public scrutiny, as well. friends of mine are currently going througha very, very similar situ. but their whole mess has become public knowledge and i can tell you that they are having a lot more trouble trying to heal and even deciding about saving their marriage because everyone knows their dirty little secret. and in reading her letters to him, you're only getting one side of the story. it would probably give you more insight if you saw letters from him to her. after all i'm not sure it's her intentions that are the main point, it would have been his to her that were more of the issue to your marriage.

 

and i would strongly suggest burning them, have a little bit of a cleansing ritual with them if you need to do something. get it out of your system and her out of your life, privately. doing anything public with them is a little like playing with fire. i know my situ was different from what you've described but if my exMM's W ever decided to blow up and post any of my notes to him, chances are she's the one that would end up getting hurt in the end. i have i'm sure, somewhere on my computer, a few choice emails from him declaring his love for me, how his marriage was over and that he wanted to spend his future with me, not her. lies? most likely. but still, if she chose to take that form of revenge out on me and i chose to "fight back" (unlikely 'cause i no longer care what he does with his life and i wouldn't want to hurt his kids, even though they're grown) the letters i have would be so much more damaging than anything she could ever do to me.

 

so burn them, shred them, rip them into little pieces but if you really are dedicated to moving on, dwelling on these notes is just going to keep the pain coming back.

[EnigmaXOXO]

if I were really pissed off at my husband, I'd wait until he was on an involved "mission" on the toilet then walk in with them in my hand asking about them. Because I'd have a captive audience for a good while ... and it would give a new meaning to "shxt or get off the pot."

 

 

 

I might be tempted to hide the toilet paper, then when he called for rescue, I'd slip them under the door.

[aloneinTX]

I don't see it as immature it's my time to screw with her life Syncerity seems we are on the same wave link, have fun with it I was very comforted by seeing it in black & white that what I thought the A was wasn't. It was just sex to her, she wasn't leaving her home or H or kids. No strong bond of building the future. It was graphic sex talk, nothing more. How she enjoyed their time & how she would try to get away to meet.

 

It was great reading the letters because I no longer had to imagine how close they were. Wondering if they were planning a future together, the only plans were when they could sneak away.

 

If you're not a hot head and get the chance to read letters, by all means do so. It put my mind at rest knowing just how manipulative and conning she was.

[aloneinTX]

if I were really pissed off at my husband, I'd wait until he was on an involved "mission" on the toilet then walk in with them in my hand asking about them. Because I'd have a captive audience for a good while ... and it would give a new meaning to "shxt or get off the pot."

 

 

 

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

 

 

I might be tempted to hide the toilet paper, then when he called for rescue, I'd slip them under the door.

 

To funny

[SweetSerenity]

Look you're going about it the wrong way. It seems you're more interested in destroying a person that hasn't been in his life for a long time it would seem. Why not turn all that energy around and focus it on getting your marriage back in order. It isn't just his fault or her (OW) fault. It is half your fault. *gasp* Yes it is half your fault. A lot of the time you don't want to take any part of the blame of the breakdown of the marriage that caused him to seek outside influences. I suggest you do not do anything rash to this woman because you're hurt over the fact that she was sleeping with your husband and he wasn't with you. I think this a tad immature. I'm wondering how you would feel had the tables been turned and you were this OW and the wife was out to destroy your a$$.

 

You have the right to talk to her, you have the right to write her a letter and tell her how you truly feel but you do not have the right to bash her in public or to do anything else. I just do not see how any good can come from it. Honestly some people never cease to amaze me on these forums. I think you would do a disservice to yourself and remember while smearing her name your marriage and your husbands name is attached to your smearing campaign and you will be showing the whole community how hurt and how weak you are to do something so infantile. Think about it before you proceed.

[aloneinTX]

by SweetSerenity It seems you're more interested in destroying a person that hasn't been in his life for a long time it would seem.

 

so if it had just ended last week it would be OK?

 

 

by SweetSerenity It isn't just his fault or her (OW) fault. It is half your fault. *gasp* Yes it is half your fault.

 

Certainly it is "my" fault. I UN-zipped his pants and pulled down her panties and said "have at it"

 

by SweetSerenity A lot of the time you don't want to take any part of the blame of the breakdown of the marriage that caused him to seek outside influences.

 

You did get that right "outside influences" which was NOT influenced by me.......as in not my fault.

 

by SweetSerenity I'm wondering how you would feel had the tables been turned and you were this OW and the wife was out to destroy your a$$.

 

Seems she WAS out to destroy it. Are you advocating for the OW, am I to protect her should I think of her feelings and spare her the shame of what she chose to do?

 

by SweetSerenity you do not have the right to bash her in public or to do anything else.

 

your marriage and your husbands name is attached to your smearing campaign and you will be showing the whole community how hurt and how weak you are

 

no offense but she made her choice and yes I have every right.

 

Just maybe the community will see just how strong I am/have been and see her for what she is, a sorry sack of $hit. This was her 7th A, maybe if others knew of her or a stronger wife stepped up to even the score she would think twice before screwing with the wrong person

 

by SweetSerenity Honestly some people never cease to amaze me on these forums.

 

Me to

[izzybelle]

perhaps what SweetSerenity was trying to say is that in for many, not all, but for many if there were things missing in the marriage, it may have involved both partners ... no, it's not necessarily your fault but are there things about your marriage (which takes two) that need to be changed?

 

while your anger is understandable, i don't know that anyone would question that, revenge, while it may feel good at the moment has a way of coming back to bite you. i had mentioned before that i know of a similar situation, more similar to your's than you could imagine. open marriage for the OW, multiple affairs, etc., etc., etc. but also, as i said before, this couple's private lives have become the talk of the community. EVERYONE knows what happened. and perhaps the W in this case got what she wanted, briefly. everyone sees what a "terrible" person the OW is, what a "terrible" person the H is, and she's seen as the victim in all of this. their marriage is perhaps in more trouble now from the public humiliation than it would have been from the A itself. they not only have to deal with their own problems behind closed doors, but it has made public life for BOTH of them unbearable. she now finds herself having to ask people to stop talking about it. but it's too late. and i will not be a bit surprised if they are forced to move, uprooting their kids. something that probably wouldn't have been necessary if the affair had remained private. and i have no doubt, from talking with them both, that the public knowledge is making it a bizillion times more difficult for them to piece their lives and their marriage back together. justified or not (and it probably isn't) he's angry with her for making a bad situation worse. yes, he's the one who did the deed, but it has now snowballed out of control. not only has it publically humiliated the H but many of the personal quirks, problems and whatever in their marriage have ALSO become topics of conversation. and with rumors many speculate on other things. and while most do see her as the victim, i've also heard others say "well who would blame him, she's a real bi!ch". a consequence i'm sure she didn't consider when she decided to make the details public. as some have said here, your best revenge is to move on and make your marriage strong again, any time wasted on the OW is just that, wasted time.

 

while the OW in this case may have been looking for instant gratification with your H, without considering the long term consequences, revenge tends to run the same course. it feels good at the time, but in the long term it is rarely the best course of action.

 

if this woman really is the scum of the earth that you believe, why waste your time and energy on her? she's already done enough damage to your life, why give her the opportunity to cause more? whether she's hurt or not, humiliated or not, shouldn't matter to you. your marriage to your H should be what counts, not her life.

[SweetSerenity]

Aloneintx you're obviously out to get whatever satisfaction you can get and goodluck with that because honestly when it bites you in the a$$ you're not going to feel very good. Trust me, people in your community will not think you are strong and instead you will be the talk of everyones trash gossip. So go ahead and do whatever you think you must, but I guarantee you that it will be you that gets embarrassed ultimately and not the OW and no I'm not advocating her. I'm sure she feels enough of whatever feelings she is feeling without you having to try and destroy her. You need a mirror, find thee a mirror and look into it. Are you happy with what you see? I bet you're not. If you were really strong you wouldn't have an overwhelming sense of getting revenge and trying to MAKE yourself look strong and like "hahahha I got him in the end", who cares. How old are you anyway? *sheesh*

[aloneinTX]

I'm in my 40's instead of doing this, guess I will go eat at McDonald's, get fat and sue them for what happened to me. It's their fault that I wanted to eat there It's not like I had a choice of what happened.

 

Thanks izzybelle, sorry to those that just don't get it.

 

I don't know how the "community" would even know who the cards/letters are to unless she tells them. Certain names would be removed.

[StillHurtin]

aloneinTX, I totally understand your anger, believe me. You just found out about his A, right? When I first found out I wanted to do some awful things to the OW myself. I wanted to slash her tires, I wanted to take a baseball bat to her precious car, not to mention her face, so I know what it's like to be so angry. What kept me from doing that was not wanting to spending time in jail. If I knew I could get by w/ it, and not get caught, your darn tooten I would of done it. I was more angry at the OW than I was at H at first. I did my share of yelling and screaming and saying awful, hurtful things to H but I didn't want to hurt him physically b/c he was the father of my children.

 

I didn't have the opprotunity to tell the OW's H b/c he found out more information than I had and he was the one that came to me to see if I also knew what was going on. I was the one that tried to protect him from the pain I was going through. When I called the OW to confront her about the A her H answered. When she got on the phone I told her she may want to go into another room so her H didn't hear our conversation. I didn't want to be the one he found the truth from and eventually I knew the OW and H would of been stupid and slip up. Sure enough, they did and everyone found out. Pretty stupid of the OW to take home the poems and letters from H where her H could of found them. She obiviously didn't hide them well. Maybe when it all came down to it, maybe she did want to get caught.

 

I could of spread those letters and poems around town, but I honestly don't think the OW would of cared, she would of just laughed about it. She didn't care that she was having an A w/ a MM, b/c it was what she wanted since she met him. Me spreading those letters and poems around would of came back and bite me in the a$$ in the end.

 

What I would do is trash those cards so you don't find them in the future to bring back those memories. I found an old IM from H to the OW telling her they needed to keep their relationship on a professional level and it brought me back to the A. I can tell you to trash those cards, but you need to do what you feel you want to do. I just hope that nothing negative happens to you as a result. GL!

[aloneinTX]

I learned of the A last year. You sound like a wonderful person with great advice!! Sorry you have felt the pain also.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by aloneinTX

I learned of the A last year. You sound like a wonderful person with great advice!! Sorry you have felt the pain also.

 

Thanks alone. I am also sorry for your pain, it's an awful thing to go through.

 

You are still feeling the pain of the A. I am still feeling some of the pain for H's A that happened 2 years ago, but it;s getting easier. The pain is still pretty new to you even if it's been a year. The pain will ease up as time passes. You will never forget the A but soon, if not already, you will be able to forgive your H. As for forgiving the OW, I am not as angry at her as I was b4 and one of these days I will completely forgive her, but I don't really see that happening any time soon.