Living In Confusion

[Jobu]

Good Gravy,

 

Get ready for a little bit of a read.

 

My wife and I have been having such severe problems within the marriage, that we have come down to only two possible options - Divorce or Marriage Counseling. We have chosen the latter to "try and give it a chance".

 

But here's the thing...After conversations with my wife, it has been brought to my attention that staying may not be the best, healthy option for us. It's like we (mostly she...but I feel it too) are in a state of denial. But it is so confusing.

 

I noticed the problems about a year and a half ago. My wife became distant. I then began noticing little things that raised my curiosity (like coming home and hearing the hanging up of the upstairs phone, and finding my wife naked...or quickly trying to get dressed...not long after). I didn't know what was going on. I was confused. One of my friends (who went through a divorce over infidelity) confided in me that this (and other things which, for time's sake, I just won't go into...let's just say I discovered/suspected certain people through more than just circumstantial evidence or suspicion) could be signs of an affair...or a contemplated affair. I felt like I was being treated like an outsider. I would come home after a long hard day at work, and she would just glare at me as if I were an intruder.

 

Finally...I couldn't take it. I asked her. She acted as if she was absolutely offended that I would even consider such a thing. How dare I mistrust her! But, these were not normal things for her to do...so I felt well within my right to ask.

 

The problems grew and grew.

 

Emotional distancing just elevated. She began to accuse me of not letting her have her own life (which is, in my opinion...UNTRUE...I've actually gone out of my own way, sometimes against my better judgement, to help her "have her own life"). I was prying, because (yes yes...typical male) I thought I could help out. But she didn't want help...turns out, she didn't seem to know what she wanted at all.

 

We talked again.

 

We talked and talked until the wee hours of the night. I even suggested going to a couples counseling session...but, at the time, she wouldn't have it. She wanted to figure things out by herself.

 

We talked once more.

 

The bomb hit me. After I explained my position, and why I was doing things that she considered "intruding" upon her...she confided in me that she felt "heavily pressured to get married" and that she "felt like she just wanted out". That...and becaude of an abusive home life, she had little/no childhood and was hoping to "catch up for lost time". I told her I understood the "catching up" part...but expressed myself that I felt the way she was doing it was not being helpful to the marriage. As for the heavily pressured/wanting out part...I could understand this as being a natural thought in any relationship...but these feelings were manifesting themselves in harmful ways.

 

We had reached an impass.

 

We began to confide our feelings to each other even more.

 

It turns out that, perhaps, she wasn't really ready to be married (not ready/sick of adult responsibilities). We had talked about kids as a possibility...but I was never in a hurry for it. Before we were married, we talked about it comfortably...almost as soon as the ring went on her finger, the subject couldn't be raised without a angry reaction from her.

 

Our financial situation has begun to decline. Even though she is capable of pitching in a little bit...I still feel like I'm being taken for granted, and am expected to take the full brunt of the bills (which, are starting to take their toll on me). She says she wants to help...but then follows up with "shopping days" and "spa visits" that end up with $100-200 price tags...doesn't sound like a lot...but our budget is too tight. So that hasn't helped things.

 

We even learned (much to my honest surprise) that we actually have nothing much in common (not including eating, sleeping...sometimes sex).

 

It's like we knew each other for so long before we were married (we were friends/dated/courted over an 11 year period...so I thought we had plenty of time to get all these things out in the open)....but now we're strangers. It's like someone waved a wand or something.

 

Then...the stress finally took its toll. I collapsed while I was out with a friend. I went to the hospital. My wife was out with her friends (we were trying to have some alone time) at the time. After I regained conciousness (and having lost my dinner all over my new Calvin Klein blazer)...I told my friend not to call her. I thought I would be fine. He didn't listen. He called her right in the middle of a dinner party. She arrived angry and scowling (needless to say, my buddy took off to avoid her wrath). She didn't act like someone ultimately concerned for my well being....she mostly seemed pissed off like I had done this on purpose! She kept grilling me and grilling me...I felt myself getting sick again. That's when the Crisis Intervention worker stepped in. The CI lady made my wife wait in the hall. I was then "talked out" of a state of overwhelming anxiety. We (the CI lady and I) agreed that something had to change in my marriage. She helped me see that I had given up so much to try and please my wife (hobbies...friends...ideals...even spiritual beliefs) that I had lost myself...and that my wife's wanting to change so quickly and drastically was affecting me in harmful means. She even commented on the body language of what she saw when she arrived - me trying to hide under the hosptial sheets, and my wife digging and digging at me with gruff questioning...not extactly the "caring reaction" that many would expect from someone coming to see you when you're in the hosptial's emergency room.

 

So we (my wife and I)asked ourselves what we were going to do next. I told her that I could live with a separation/divorce...but I couldn't live in the marriage as it stands for very much longer. Nor could I live with losing her as a friend.

 

She seemed to snap back into a "cuddly" state. As if her status quo was suddenly threatened. She said she wanted to see if we could work things out.

 

But that damage, I feel, has been done.

 

I've been questioning everything about this marriage, now. Especially since I've learned how long she's felt like "wanting out" and just how pressured she felt to be married in the first place. I ask myself...what am I protecting? Is this going to be worth it? What should I do?

 

Some of my friends, whom I have confided in, have told me that they would have left her long ago. But I guess I must just be patient to a fault or something....I dunno.

 

I do care about her. I love her...she's my wife.

 

BUT...you two people can love each other, and yet be completely wrong for one another....to the point where one winds up in the hospital.

 

We're seeing a counselor now...and we'll see how that goes (we're only on visit #2 this week).

Anyway...I'm up for any thoughts/comments.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Jobu

So we (my wife and I)asked ourselves what we were going to do next. I told her that I could live with a separation/divorce...but I couldn't live in the marriage as it stands for very much longer. Nor could I live with losing her as a friend.

 

She seemed to snap back into a "cuddly" state. As if her status quo was suddenly threatened. She said she wanted to see if we could work things out.

 

She felt "confined" in the marriage with a man who isn't who she married. You said it yourself. You compromised everything for her and in the process, lost who YOU were. You need to find yourself again. Read my thread on "how to become attractive" and you'll see some things in there you seem to be lacking.

 

Love Must Be Tough, but it also must be free. As soon as you released the "confines" of the marriage, she felt more comfortable again.

 

But that damage, I feel, has been done.

 

Maybe. She has her problems and I think you've hit on what yours are. You can still recover. Go get the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I think it will help you tremendously.

 

I've been questioning everything about this marriage, now. Especially since I've learned how long she's felt like "wanting out" and just how pressured she felt to be married in the first place. I ask myself...what am I protecting? Is this going to be worth it? What should I do?

 

Read "Love Must Be Tough" first before you make any permanent decisions.

 

Some of my friends, whom I have confided in, have told me that they would have left her long ago. But I guess I must just be patient to a fault or something....I dunno.

 

I do care about her. I love her...she's my wife.

 

Then read the book.

 

BUT...you two people can love each other, and yet be completely wrong for one another....to the point where one winds up in the hospital.

 

You let it get to that point. You let her drive you there. You need to take control of your life and learn to make yourself happy and not base your happiness on the approval of a woman. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Robert Glover) and learn to set boundaries.

 

We're seeing a counselor now...and we'll see how that goes (we're only on visit #2 this week).

Anyway...I'm up for any thoughts/comments.

 

You have mine. Counseling is a good start. Good luck.

[Jobu]

Excellent reply "Confused". I will certainly look into those books you mentioned. Thanks for the input.

[dgiirl]

Hey Jobu

 

What a complicated story your living right now. I'm not exactly sure what to advise you, but I can definitely empathize what you are going through.

 

If you are still trying to work on the relationship, there are a few self help books you can read. You can try Divorce busting and The 5 love languages. They might give you some ideas on how to communicate better with your wife, help you meet her emotional needs, and figure out what your own emotional needs are. Divorce busting also gives you an idea of what your wife might be feeling if she's having an emotional or physical affair. They tend to rewrite history and say that they were forced into the marriage and never wanted it You can go to your local library to see if they have any books. I spent many weekends there to pass the time

 

From your post, I think you're still lost and dont know what to do. Friends are great for boosting your own self confidence, but sometimes, even tho they have the best of intentions, they do more damage than good. I recommend you continue with MC and even go to IC. Your own counsellor will be able to look at your situation objectively and give you a better idea of what things you are doing and things your wife is doing that's ruining the marriage. Kind of like what the CI did.

 

Of course, you have to look out for yourself first. If you are ending up in the hospital because of stress, maybe having a trial seperation with no contact is good? It might give you guys a chance to get over any resentment and anger and look at the situation objectively. Again, I'd talk with a counsellor for their advice

 

Best of luck and keep us posted. LS is great for asking for advice or just venting out any angry statements we would like to say to our spouses but dont want to rock the boat lol

[Jobu]

Hey dgiirl,

 

Divorce busting also gives you an idea of what your wife might be feeling if she's having an emotional or physical affair.

 

Yeah...I've come to conclusion regarding that part of our troubles...and that's to try and trust her (it's like the "letting go" kind of forgiveness...I read about it in one of those self-help books). BUT...for safety's sake...I still seem to have an eye and ear open these days.

 

From your post, I think you're still lost and dont know what to do. Friends are great for boosting your own self confidence, but sometimes, even tho they have the best of intentions, they do more damage than good. I recommend you continue with MC and even go to IC. Your own counsellor will be able to look at your situation objectively and give you a better idea of what things you are doing and things your wife is doing that's ruining the marriage. Kind of like what the CI did.

 

All true. I was seeing my own counselor for a bit...and basically summed everything up like you just did...start looking after my own needs first. Sounds selfish to some...and at one time, it did to me. But with some positive re-enforcement from my friends...I think I've been accepting it with flying colors.

 

-Jobu

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by Jobu

All true. I was seeing my own counselor for a bit...and basically summed everything up like you just did...start looking after my own needs first. Sounds selfish to some...and at one time, it did to me. But with some positive re-enforcement from my friends...I think I've been accepting it with flying colors.

 

It's difficult to do the balance between looking out for your own interest, and showing compassion and understanding towards the spouse. The book that Confused recommended talks about how a wayward spouse loses respect for the faithful spouse. It's an interesting read and might also give you some ideas on how to handle the situation. I'm currently going through a divorce, and this helped me realize that my stbxh did lose respect for me. I even lost respect for myself. It sounds like your wife might have done the same for you. Taking care of your own needs first, just ensures that you are respected. And when your wife takes you for granted, you need to speak up in a respectful manner and tell her you wont accept this treatment. It's such a difficult situation, and I hope the best outcome for you.

[Owl]

I have to say this point blank...

 

The evidence points overwhelmingly to your wife having/had at least one affair. And all of her actions perfectly match up with behavior associated with an affair...to include the 'never been happy in our marriage'. The feelings of confinement, etc...all of that is classic 'babble' from someone who has mentally re-written the history of the marriage to justify their affair.

 

Go take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website for more info. Start a thread in the forum there under 'General Questions II', and see what kind of feedback you get there as well.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

It may not be an affair. I had alot of these symptons before I had my emtional and physical affairs, which happened 7 yrs into the marriage.

 

I still can't explain it today, but I do know that all my life I would slip into "fantasies" and become distracted and distant alot. I took alot of the time I spent alone, which wasn't alot, and I would just masturbate, and fantasize, and sometimes look at porn on the net. This didn't stop after marriage.

 

It all depends on how much you know about each other and share. We never communicated our feelings, and I had a bit of a past that I was trying to forget and got into the habit of playing sweet and innocent. I opened up after the internet affair and it was brought into the open that "yes I do masturbate - I'm a bad person!!!" I felt so bad until I found out that he does it all the time. I didn't know it was normal.

 

We would go for a long drive and my mind would drift, and I'd imagine a fantasy from start to finish of me with someone else, ANYONE else from a co-worker to a biker to Mel Gibson! I learned how to overcome the fantasies and turn my thoughts toward hubby but never got to the root of the problem, which is why my marriage ended after the affairs came to life.

 

If she is anything like me, without getting the real issues out into the open, she will go deeper and deeper into secrecy, depression, anxiety, you name it.

[Jobu]

If she is anything like me, without getting the real issues out into the open, she will go deeper and deeper into secrecy, depression, anxiety, you name it.

 

Interesting you should say that. During our last MC session, we had a small breakthrough. Basically, she admitted that she has locked herself inside of a tremendous shell for many years...and expressing her thoughts/feelings is caught up in a sort of mental block. Our counselor helped us with some exercises and techniques...but we'll see where this goes. It's a small step...but it gives me a little bit of insight.