Why Do People in LTRs/Marriages Stop Caring About Physique

[Grumpybutfun]

My wife and I had some couples over for a cookout last night, and while the wives and a female fiancé were gathered in our kitchen, the male fiancé said he can't wait until he got married because he wouldn't have to workout anymore and could eat what he wanted. I didn't comment because honestly, he is a brother of a friend so I didn't want to expel my energy, but I'm thinking......why would you get buff for strangers and to land a woman only to not be healthy and fit for the woman who loves you most? I want my wife to desire me physically more than I cared about the women when I was single.....not to mention a higher quality of life when we are healthy and move our bodies.

It made no sense to me, but it seems the norm.

Thoughts?

Grumps

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree with you, buddy....

 

For some people, they just whip themselves into shape to get the attention of a mate, then they fall back into who they "really" are...For them, its a tool...

 

Other than a short period of time, when I was working like 15+ hrs a day, I've been fit and muscular my entire life..It's not something I do for anyone else...I enjoy it for my own benefit and piece of mind...

 

I'd say if you are "on the market" and fitness is important to you(not you personally Grump), then don't just look at the "whipped into shape" version...See if it's something they embody in their own daily lives..Then you would be a better fit...

 

It's been my experience that some of those are like New Years resolution types...By March, they resort back to their old selves..let's face it...Its not easy to stay in shape, especially as we age...so it takes a special breed of insanity.....

 

TFY

[Grumpybutfun]

TFY, yeah, it is a good insanity though, isn't it? I feel like hell when I don't do something active everyday, not to mention I have been sick twice in five years, have amazing, regular sex and feel strong everyday.

I get what you mean though about people pretending or just going through the motions of fitness until they get someone to commit. I would think that is being fake.

Oh, and as you know from your activity level, (respect to you, man)......age has nothing to do with it....this guy was twenty five or so.

His poor wife...

G

[carhill]

IDK, neither my exW or I were/are athletes but we tended to do more exercise stuff like biking and walking and hiking and similar while we were married because, generally, it was good 'us' time and the exercise stimulated the libido and it was nice to have an exercise buddy. Personally, I've never been an exercise to attract a mate person, rather I did/do it because I like it, or, back when endurance cycling, I'd use it to burn off anger and frustration about stuff. Attracting a mate was the last thing on my mind. Different strokes I guess.

[Grumpybutfun]

IDK, neither my exW or I were/are athletes but we tended to do more exercise stuff like biking and walking and hiking and similar while we were married because, generally, it was good 'us' time and the exercise stimulated the libido and it was nice to have an exercise buddy. Personally, I've never been an exercise to attract a mate person, rather I did/do it because I like it, or, back when endurance cycling, I'd use it to burn off anger and frustration about stuff. Attracting a mate was the last thing on my mind. Different strokes I guess.

 

Yes, me too Carhill. I always liked sports which got me into exercising and good nutrition. I do some things now, like weightlifting because my wife waxes poetic about it, and I like to make her happy.

I guess I'm just noticing the general disregard of fitness after marriage, moving in together, etc.

G

[bigbaby]

I think in a way it's human nature to think now that I have this person, it's time to focus on other things. In other words, start taking each other for granted. Very common but I agree, it's not a good idea because that's how you eventually just feel like roommates with each other.

 

 

Also, if you're talking about being young and single vs. married with a mortgage and kids, there's also not as much time and energy for the non-essentials once life gets more complicated.

 

 

They really should teach Marriage 101 in high school and cover not taking your partner for granted!

[Buddhist]

Laziness, pure and simple. It's the same reason people will eat and drink themselves into ill-health and only do something about it when they are on an operating table. Sometimes even the operating table and a near death experience still isn't enough.

 

I don't know but if my partner made this kind of claim I'd be re-thinking the relationship. After all if they are going to let themselves go physically (where they are the direct recipient of their own neglect) what reason do I have to assume they are going to caretake the relationship properly? None. Doesn't bode well for the longterm.

[xxoo]

I've come to realize that many people simply HATE to exercise. I don't get it, because exercise is the equivalent of childhood play for me (joy!).

 

I guess I'd stop doing something I hate as soon as possible, too.

[newmoon]

people get comfortable, and lazy. it happens. and life and kids take away the time that was once devoted to working out and activity dates and etc. when kids come along it's especially hard for women to prioritize working out/looking amazing over children and work and etc. but i think if you start out w/a partner who takes fitness and looks seriously from the start the chance of them landing onto the sofa permanently in sweat pants is lessened.

[Buddhist]

I've come to realize that many people simply HATE to exercise. I don't get it, because exercise is the equivalent of childhood play for me (joy!).

 

I guess I'd stop doing something I hate as soon as possible, too.

 

I think its because they've turned exercise from play into hard work. I won't step inside a gym because for me I do not like that environment, it isn't fun and practically nothing that goes on there would constitute play for me. If you associate something with a drag then sure you're not going to get there.

 

I do yoga in my backyard listening to the birds and feeling the breeze on my face. I walk along a beautiful forested track for 8kms a day and never get sick of the view. The days I miss my walk I feel more stressed than normal. So not exercising becomes a disappointment for me.

[introverted1]

Other than a short period of time, when I was working like 15+ hrs a day, I've been fit and muscular my entire life..It's not something I do for anyone else...I enjoy it for my own benefit and piece of mind...

 

This.

 

I exercise (body AND mind), eat right, etc., for me... not to lure a mate. I can't relate to the idea of pretending to be who I'm not so I can ensnare an unsuspecting victim and then spring on him the real me. It seems like a terrible foundation for what is meant to be a lifelong commitment.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think in a way it's human nature to think now that I have this person, it's time to focus on other things. In other words, start taking each other for granted. Very common but I agree, it's not a good idea because that's how you eventually just feel like roommates with each other.

 

 

Also, if you're talking about being young and single vs. married with a mortgage and kids, there's also not as much time and energy for the non-essentials once life gets more complicated.

 

 

They really should teach Marriage 101 in high school and cover not taking your partner for granted!

 

My wife and I covered this (Relationships and Marriage101) with our kids along with finance, home and auto maintenance, fitness and nutrition, work ethic, and integrity. They are doing very well as adults.

 

My wife and I are both professionals and raised three children and have always maintained a healthy fitness and nutrition lifestyle. Our kids were always busy with some variation of sport or club. We were busy with each other, our kids, friends, family, the military community, had mortgages, and college to pay for the rugrats, but we managed to keep our same weight( I gained muscle, of course) throughout our 22 year marriage. I just eliminated time wasters from my life and so did my wife. We don't watch tv often and we limit computer time. I mostly play around on here when I'm traveling for work sitting at airports.

 

I think you are right...people prioritize what is important to them. Fortunately for me, both my wife and I consider our health essential to maintain and care for. I hope we instilled that into our children who are adults now.

Best,

Grumps

[Emilia]

I don't mind if he grows small love handles, I find those cute but overall he has to care about the way he looks. Even when I went out with a more creative sort of guy rather than a sporty one he was into weights and martial arts.

 

I once broke up with someone because he wanted me to stop exercising as he preferred fatter girls Ok that wasn't the only reason but was part of it, I've been doing regular exercise for 10 years, weight training/lifting for 5. The only time I don't train is when I'm on holiday but then even that's changing because I learned to skip again in the boxing gym. Only need trainers and a skipping rope and 10 minutes spare time.

[Emilia]

My wife and I covered this (Relationships and Marriage101) with our kids along with finance, home and auto maintenance, fitness and nutrition, work ethic, and integrity. They are doing very well as adults.

 

My wife and I are both professionals and raised three children and have always maintained a healthy fitness and nutrition lifestyle. Our kids were always busy with some variation of sport or club. We were busy with each other, our kids, friends, family, the military community, had mortgages, and college to pay for the rugrats, but we managed to keep our same weight( I gained muscle, of course) throughout our 22 year marriage. I just eliminated time wasters from my life and so did my wife. We don't watch tv often and we limit computer time. I mostly play around on here when I'm traveling for work sitting at airports.

 

I think you are right...people prioritize what is important to them. Fortunately for me, both my wife and I consider our health essential to maintain and care for. I hope we instilled that into our children who are adults now.

Best,

Grumps

A friend of mine instilled his love of sports into his kids. His son is 5 and plays rugby and has a motorbike. His daughter skis and has done one of those ram riding crazy rodeos when she was 7

 

I don't have a telly. Sure can watch stuff online but I'd rather study or nip down to the gym or have a skipping session outside if I'm not out with people. I hardly drink alcohol nowdays. Not for health reasons, just don't think of it.

 

I guess I like spending my time achieving something, the men I date realise that and I can tell you, not all of them are comfortable with that!

[borden]

For some people, they just whip themselves into shape to get the attention of a mate, then they fall back into who they "really" are...For them, its a tool...

 

 

 

Everyone does that more or less buddy. You always want to impress those who don't know you that well: friends, colleagues, strangers etc. After all, we form our first impressions by the looks.

[WasOtherWoman]

Exactly... and I really raise my eyebrows when I read on here, after a breakup that someone now needs to get "back in shape".

 

Why did you get out of shape in the first place???

[Pillow]

Not to be blunt, but loveshacks aren't the norm for America. Most of us are well-educated, thoughtful, rational, grammar-aware, middle class or more, possibly introverted and left-leaning. So, it's a little silly to talk about exercise like everyone does it. The vast majority of Americans are fat and poorly educated, only want to read Twitter, take selfies, and watch tv all day.

[txgrl]

Well said Pillow, I was thinking the same thing .

I have personally seen or met many 500lbers. Boggles my mind ! How does one get that overweight ?

 

I grew up enjoying walking and sports . These days it's work to exercise , something you have to actually make time for.

[fitnessfan365]

Well for me it's easy to stay in shape because fitness is my profession. I mean no one is going to want to get personal training with someone that looks like a donut salesman..LOL So that's part of my motivation. However, my dad was was also a multi-lettered athlete in college that almost played pro ball until he tore his knee. But instead of rehabbing and staying in shape, he just completely let himself go. So I always told myself, I'd never peak early on in life and that I'd stay in shape for as long as nature permits. I do think my GF feels pressured sometimes to try and keep up with me though which I've never expected her to do. I'm proud of her for trying as hard as she does with exercise. It doesn't come naturally to a lot of people.

 

I got a great compliment recently from a client though. We were training and the subjects of dating and relationships came up. She mentioned meeting her current BF of a year on Tinder of all places. But that he's ten years older and she dates older guys because they're more serious. I said I used to only date older women. But my GF of almost a year is one of the few younger women I've dated. So she asked me how old I am and when I said 35, she said she thought I was in my mid 20's..LOL Everyone always assumes I am at least 7-10 years younger than I am. Proper training, nutrition, and genetics go along way.

[GemmaUK]

I agree Grumpy, I don't understand why someone wouldn't make that effort either - and honestly no one has to half kill themselves at a gym to get in better shape nor maintain it.

 

Just a few thoughts:

 

I dieted for years. I am 5ft, my ideal weight according to Weight Watchers is 7st 1lb. I almost got there once. I hit 7st 4lbs, I looked like Kylie but lost my boobs! Lol!

Having said I dieted for years I also was a gym regular and did aerobics classes. I got serious when I joined the gym. BUT the trainers said to make sure you worked at 'training' heart rate level - which is fine if you wish to maintain your size (note the word 'training') but not if you want to lose weight. The heart needs to work at a lower level to lose weight.

Myself and my 14 LT partner both gained and lost around 3st at various times but we both had it in check and did something about it. We were never unattractive to each other.

(I did eventually get fed up with diets, switched away from 'diet' food, cut out hard/high impact exercise and lost almost 4st over just 6 months and have retained the same weight and size for 13 years now and I am 47 in a few weeks time.)

 

I watched a UK documentary a year or so ago with 40 ish men and it was based around what they talk about on a night out together.

Some were married/coupled, some not.

Most were very over weight and their opinion was that at 40 they are near death so they may as well enjoy life.

 

Being a single woman at my age it is practically impossible to meet a man who is not in bad shape over 40.

I haven't experienced the guy who gets fit to meet someone. I experience those who breathe in and wear huge sweaters and then respect the fact I don't jump into bed.

It has been a shock to see their bod when all really gets revealed.

 

I listen to a UK radio station which hosts all kinds of subjects.

My favourite presenter is 44, married and with 2 young children.

They went away on holiday a couple of years ago and the presenter became aware of how his wife looked, how he looked an also how the couples around him looked.

He saw that he was getting out of shape and overweight but also saw attractive women with very overweight husbands.

He got home and changed it up because he didn't want his wife to be one of those wives he had seen on the beach.

[Grumpybutfun]

I agree Grumpy, I don't understand why someone wouldn't make that effort either - and honestly no one has to half kill themselves at a gym to get in better shape nor maintain it.

 

Just a few thoughts:

 

I dieted for years. I am 5ft, my ideal weight according to Weight Watchers is 7st 1lb. I almost got there once. I hit 7st 4lbs, I looked like Kylie but lost my boobs! Lol!

Having said I dieted for years I also was a gym regular and did aerobics classes. I got serious when I joined the gym. BUT the trainers said to make sure you worked at 'training' heart rate level - which is fine if you wish to maintain your size (note the word 'training') but not if you want to lose weight. The heart needs to work at a lower level to lose weight.

Myself and my 14 LT partner both gained and lost around 3st at various times but we both had it in check and did something about it. We were never unattractive to each other.

(I did eventually get fed up with diets, switched away from 'diet' food, cut out hard/high impact exercise and lost almost 4st over just 6 months and have retained the same weight and size for 13 years now and I am 47 in a few weeks time.)

 

I watched a UK documentary a year or so ago with 40 ish men and it was based around what they talk about on a night out together.

Some were married/coupled, some not.

Most were very over weight and their opinion was that at 40 they are near death so they may as well enjoy life.

 

Being a single woman at my age it is practically impossible to meet a man who is not in bad shape over 40.

I haven't experienced the guy who gets fit to meet someone. I experience those who breathe in and wear huge sweaters and then respect the fact I don't jump into bed.

It has been a shock to see their bod when all really gets revealed.

 

I listen to a UK radio station which hosts all kinds of subjects.

My favourite presenter is 44, married and with 2 young children.

They went away on holiday a couple of years ago and the presenter became aware of how his wife looked, how he looked an also how the couples around him looked.

He saw that he was getting out of shape and overweight but also saw attractive women with very overweight husbands.

He got home and changed it up because he didn't want his wife to be one of those wives he had seen on the beach.

 

I'm in my forties too, and I have no idea why anyone would think their life is finished. I'm having the best time of my life right now....traveling with my wife, have my own business, financially secure, enjoying my new son in law and two grand babies. I want to be around for many more years....I have lots to do and many memories to make with my lovely wife.

She is 5 ft. tall too and very active. She makes me do yoga with her for my "core" (i.e. To kill me,) and honestly it is the hardest thing I do. I can run, hike, mountain climb, rappel, hang glide, free jump, boot camp train, martial arts, box....and nothing is as hard as my little wife making me bendy bendy.

G

[Rockdad]

My wife and I have no idea why people let themselves go and become part of Fat America. I am the only one in my immediate family that isn't over weight to obese. There is no attributing medical reasons they are just bad diet and no movement.

 

My wife I will confess is a great motivator for me to refuse to not be as fit as I can reasonably be. I absolutely refuse to be like my family and so many we see. I happen to marry over my head. Sweetest most impressive person I have ever known. She is 56 yrs old that passes for 40, blue eyed blond with a figure that can stop traffic. I am proud of the way she puts effort in maintaining herself.

 

First 3 years we were together I think I was asked a hundred times by friends while she was there "How did you get her?!"

 

No we don't understand how people let themselves go even at our age.

[bathrobe]

I think it has to do with laziness and lifestyle.

 

People who work out and eat healthy just because they want to look good, have a good chance that they will eventually get bored of same old same old, especially when they get married. They are "safe", they can finally relax and eat something they were "forbidden" when they still wanted to look good and they stop working out because they have more responsibilities to take care of.

 

People who actually enjoy engaging in a certain sport make it as a lifestyle. They don't do sports because they want to look good, but because they enjoy it. Usually they find a partner who has the same (or similar) interest and it becomes a lifestyle of a family.

[Deidre]

That's sad to me, also. My fiance and I are very much into cross fit, running...we work out together, often. If it's not a lifestyle, and people are only staying fit to get attention from the opposite/same sex, then...it won't last. If you make it a lifestyle choice, it'll last.

 

My thought is that people become complacent, and take each other for granted...and wonder why their sex lives go down hill, too.

[Gloria25]

I don't get how people just let themselves go. Actually, that's why dating is hard for me too...cuz if I see that the person has little to no physical activity/intrests and/or has a little fat, I worry if it's going to be a downward spiral if I get serious with them.

 

I want someone who enjoys "life" and isn't that what having someone long term is about? How can you be sharing a life on a couch?

 

Yes, I'm a homebody, but I can't imagine being locked in all the time. Even when I was laid off/between jobs, I'd increase my workout and/or walk the doggies twice or more a day.

 

I also wanna enjoy sex with my SO. If you're not fit, you'll get tired, can't do certain positions and visually will not be appealing and I plan to have great sex for many years to come. I'm also approaching 40 and don't see myself wasting away on a couch.

 

Yes, keeping up is hard. I had a setback recently and Monday was like "Ahhhh" cuz I felt I was getting my strength back. Staying fit isn't easy, and I don't do it ton"trap" someone and/or for the world...I do it for me and just don't get people who waste away.