How do I bounce back after cheating?

[Pandabrains]

I cheated on my girlfriend of 2 year with one of our mutual friends. I told her immediately after it happened. It's been 3 days since and girlfriend still hasn't made contact with me, although we are still playing "Words with Friends" together still. Being able to still play this game together makes the wait for her a bit easier.

 

I broke her heart but she's still playing games with me. Is there hope that she'll give me another chance?

 

Today i did some self reflection and I know why I cheated. We were each other's first intimate relationship and during our two years together I would think back at all the missed opportunities I had to be with someone else( prior to the relationship). While every one of my friends brag about the new chick or new guy they hooked up with, I'm stuck with one girl. I never got to experience being with other people prior to us dating.

 

I felt terrible while in the act. I couldn't even continue after we started. That day I apologized to my friend and I called my girlfriend what I had done.

 

After telling her the truth we exchanged emails and she said, "I don't want to leave, but i don't know how I'll feel knowing that every part of you has been shared with another person". Honestly, I don't know how I'll be able to be with anybody after what I've done. No girl wants to be with a guy who cheats. This was my first offense, but I don't know how I can forgive myself.

 

Even if she decides to take me back, how will I feel comfortable holding her hand knowing that I undressed another woman with it?

 

Knowing how I feel now, I could never do this again with her or another person. I want to grow from this and become a better person for her or who ever else.

[Space Ritual]

Sorry I don't have a lot of sympathy for you. A Mutual friend huh? You really made a poor choice here, kid. If I were you I'd stop feeling sorry for yourself as you knew full well what you were doing. It wasn't like you were forced a gunpoint to screw this mutual friend. I had it happen to me by my best friend and my fiance so you'll excuse me if I am going to be pretty matter of fact with you.

 

 

First of all,grow up and stop being whiny about it. You cheated on her. She is under no obligation to take you back or even talk with you. You are lucky she is still playing Words with Friends with you instead of the Five Knuckle Shuffle across your lip.

 

The only thing you have proven to her is that you have the capacity to cheat and you can't be trusted, and out of all of that you did it with a mutual friend. The only thing worse than that would have been cheating with a family member. Pretty much a case of High Treason in the Court of Love.

 

You showed her who you are, and who you are needs a lot of more maturity until you can be a safe person to be around.

 

You can say all you want, but only through actions do you have any hope of salvaging this relationship, which is pretty much not your call anymore as it really is not up to you. You have to let go of the outcome.

[Satu]

 

*Today i did some self reflection and I know why I cheated.

 

 

*You did it because you wanted to.

 

Not because of x,y, or z, but because you wanted to.

 

Once you accept that fact, you might be able to begin some genuine self-reflection.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Take care.

[HereNorThere]

So you really had to think that hard about why you cheated? You cheated because you wanted something different. Did you really have to think that hard to come up with that?

 

Even if she does forgive you, she's still gone forever. Especially at your age, there's just not enough invested for her to stay with you. She may try to get her old life back at first as a knee jerk reaction, but eventually she will start resenting you. She's gone, bro.

 

The truth is that you have permanently damaged her. She will never love or trust again with the same amount of innocence. You are vastly underestimating the damage you have done to her and the relationship. Your post seems very self-centered. Like you just want her to get over it already because you're over it. Sorry, but she will never get over it. 60 years from now and your name will still burn her tongue when she speaks it.

 

Want to really help her? Help find her a licensed therapist and pay the co-pays. You broke it so now you can buy it. After that, move on with your life. If you love her, you will want her to have the very best there is to offer and that includes a faithful partner. You aren't the type of person that can provide that for her, so let her go so she can find one.

[dreamingoftigers]

I cheated on my girlfriend of 2 year with one of our mutual friends. I told her immediately after it happened. It's been 3 days since and girlfriend still hasn't made contact with me, although we are still playing "Words with Friends" together still. Being able to still play this game together makes the wait for her a bit easier.

 

I broke her heart but she's still playing games with me. Is there hope that she'll give me another chance?

 

Today i did some self reflection and I know why I cheated. We were each other's first intimate relationship and during our two years together I would think back at all the missed opportunities I had to be with someone else( prior to the relationship). While every one of my friends brag about the new chick or new guy they hooked up with, I'm stuck with one girl. I never got to experience being with other people prior to us dating.

 

I felt terrible while in the act. I couldn't even continue after we started. That day I apologized to my friend and I called my girlfriend what I had done.

 

After telling her the truth we exchanged emails and she said, "I don't want to leave, but i don't know how I'll feel knowing that every part of you has been shared with another person". Honestly, I don't know how I'll be able to be with anybody after what I've done. No girl wants to be with a guy who cheats. This was my first offense, but I don't know how I can forgive myself.

 

Even if she decides to take me back, how will I feel comfortable holding her hand knowing that I undressed another woman with it?

 

Knowing how I feel now, I could never do this again with her or another person. I want to grow from this and become a better person for her or who ever else.

 

Did you notice this whole post is all about you and your " sad" and not a thing about how awful your girlfriend must be feeling?

 

It's all just "I'm so so sad, when will she give me another chance? This is what I did, I'm sad."

 

Jeez.

 

It sounds pretty typical, "I was sad so I [cheat] and then it made me sad. And now she [doesn't understand my sad] so now I'm sad."

 

Sad and longing isn't a Golden Ticket to cheat. Nor it is a Golden Ticket to gave your partner that you betrayed take you back.

 

Notice your thread title, "How does Special Sad Me Bounce Back From Cheating" not "I was total scum when I cheated. Worst mistake ever. Learned that I never want to do that EVER EVER EVER again. Is there anything I can do to help my girlfriend through this? Is it even okay to try that? Would that be imposing on her after I ripped her heart to shreds? And should I let her win at Words with Friends?"

[HereNorThere]

Tiger has got you by the toe there. The title of thread pretty much sums everything up. It's all about you and your "feels." Honestly, I assumed that this thread would be a woman who was cheated on. Instead it was a male who found a way to rationalize his cheating by portraying himself as a victim.

 

You aren't a victim, you victimize. Now a couple friendships and a romantic relationship have been damaged beyond repair and for what? Just because you can't control your impulses? Because you want to brag to your friends about who you had sex with? Seems like a drama and broken hearts for nothing.

 

I'm not really sensing and guilt or remorse on your part. It seems like you're annoyed more than remorseful.

[Pandabrains]

You're all right. I'm selfish and I do feel guilty. I told her what I did as soon as I could because it was suppose to make me feel better. But all it has done has ruined our relationship and even if she were to forgive me, it wouldn't be the same.

 

I made a mistake and I truly am sorry for hurting her like this. She was my "one" and I hurt the best relationship we ever had.

 

If it really is meant to be, then we'll be together and I'll have to work x10 as hard to reconstruct that trust. If not, then I still want the best for her because I do love her. If she can't talk to me then I'll do my best to avoid her.

 

I know I was wrong and I know I hurt her, but I'm not going to force anything to happen.

 

I'm stuck with what I've done, but I can't let that guilt stop me from doing the important things in my life. So until I get a contact from her, I'm going to wait.

 

In the end, we have to let it go.

[Just a Guy]

Hey Panda, how old are you? How old is your girlfriend? Are you in college or are you already in the workforce? If you are college going or a young professional just starting out in your career why are you in a serious committed relationship so soon? The fact is that at your stage in life one of you was bound to 'cheat' on the other because either one of you would be wondering what was out there that you were missing out on. I won't say it always happens but the likelyhood was high. Yes, you did wrong by your girlfriend by cheating on her but that is because you committed to her too soon. If she was one of a number of female friends of your then no harm done as that's what would be expected of you. However, it seems to have got to you that you cheated on her so it is good that you did some introspection and came to a conclusion as to your reasons for having done so.

Take as a lesson learnt and move forward with your life. Don't expect your GF to reconcile with you. If she does so of her own volition fine, if not, chalk it down to bitter experience, learn your lesson from it and move on. Also, take to heart what others have advised you especially Dreamingoftigers. Warm wishes.

[Pandabrains]

Do I feel remorse for what I've done? I regret giving into temptation. I've cried, apologized, and begged for forgiveness. I can't see her right now, but I know she's still going to her classes trying to get over or decide what to do about me. I know she's debating every night to herself without letting anyone know what's on her mind. I know she's heartbroken, but I don't know if she's cried about it because she's usually difficult when it comes to expressing her emotions. I know she's keeping up her daily routine while trying not to think about me. I know she doesn't want to hate me and I know she doesn't want to leave me, but she's still asking herself if she's emotionally ready to give me another chance.

 

I know what her process is right now and I hate that I have to put her through it.

 

I've let her know that I still care about her and I can't tell her anymore how sorry I am. My tears no matter how real they are won't change whatever she decides.

[Parannonx]

First, you didn't make a mistake, you made a choice, a stupid short sighted selfish choice for sure, but a choice you made just the same.

 

You wanted something, you decided to take it and damned be the costs. Now that you are facing the consequence for that choice and suddenly it's a mistake? Bull, own your crappie choice.

 

Next look at yourself and figure out why you are a selfish entitled jerks, and fix it so you can make better choices in the future.

 

Fortunately you are both young, you'll both get past this and with a little self awareness and introspection you can change. I did.

[LostOnes05]

I'm not gonna bash you because 1) I have a toothache 2) you made me laugh with the "still playing Words with Friends" comment...but that made my tooth hurt a little more so prepare yourself, jk.

 

Ehh, you know that saying about people don't realize what a good thing they have until it's gone (cliché I know...blame The Notebook and any other associated love stories). Now, you cheated. Was it worth it?...nope. But congrats you've now unstuck yourself from your one girl. I doubt she'll ever trust you again so it might be best to give her space and prepare to accept whatever she decides.

[lolablue17]

You are so obsessed by your guilt, hitting your self for your "bad judgement, till you can't see the big and real picture clearly.

 

Just a thought... What if it was not a mistake? What if the cheating was a sign that your relationship with your Gf is not the best thing for you? I can't tell because I don't know you.

 

Although you can't think reasonably right now, I say that maybe you need to experience other girls, and not being in a relationship in this period. You needed the cheating act to open your eyes. So in order to figure out your way, you hurt somebody else. Very wrong, very bad, but don't let the guilt shifting your mind so much from seeing what you really need.

[Satu]

snip

 

I made a mistake and I truly am sorry for hurting her like this.

 

 

It wasn't a mistake.

 

You wanted to do it, so you did it.

 

Stop trying to dress what you did in pretty clothes.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I was cheated on too. By a man I'd been with for 7.5 years, and lived with for 6.5 of those.

 

So speaking from experience: I can't begin to explain to you the damage you have just caused. And the fact that you cheated with a friend is that much worse. The poor girl. 3 days is nothing - she is probably still in shock at your betrayal and trying to process it. She will need a long time to really figure out what to do next. Some days she might tell herself she can forgive because the pain of confronting the truth is too much. Other days, she will ice you out. Sometimes she will lash out. Your tears right now mean so very little to her. I'm not saying she thinks you're not upset by your own actions, but it pales in comparison to the pain you have caused her.

 

She will try to block it out by keeping up with her normal activities (ie. playing online games with you) but don't read into it as a sign of hope - she is trying to ease her own pain by searching for the comfort she used to take from those activities with you. But just when she thinks she can move on, the image of you with another woman will bite her viciously.

 

I can tell you that my ex's infidelity totally changed the way I looked at him. I questioned our entire relationship and it truly tainted everything we'd shared. But I also realized he didn't love me in the way I needed. Not anymore. Someone who really loved me wouldn't have been capable of that.

 

4 years after that breakup, the pain of the betrayal still affects me sometimes. It has caused a lot of insecurity and doubt and led me to mistrust people who are actually worthy of it. It has taken tremendous effort on my part to move past it and learn to trust and love again. Your one night with this other woman will in some ways stay with your girlfriend for a long time to come. I don't know what the future holds, but cheating isn't something one "bounces back" from. It can't be undone. You simply can't understand what you have done, unless you've been in your girlfriend's shoes. You're in for a very bumpy road ahead.

[Pandabrains]

OP, I was cheated on too. By a man I'd been with for 7.5 years, and lived with for 6.5 of those.

 

So speaking from experience: I can't begin to explain to you the damage you have just caused. And the fact that you cheated with a friend is that much worse. The poor girl. 3 days is nothing - she is probably still in shock at your betrayal and trying to process it. She will need a long time to really figure out what to do next. Some days she might tell herself she can forgive because the pain of confronting the truth is too much. Other days, she will ice you out. Sometimes she will lash out. Your tears right now mean so very little to her. I'm not saying she thinks you're not upset by your own actions, but it pales in comparison to the pain you have caused her.

 

She will try to block it out by keeping up with her normal activities (ie. playing online games with you) but don't read into it as a sign of hope - she is trying to ease her own pain by searching for the comfort she used to take from those activities with you. But just when she thinks she can move on, the image of you with another woman will bite her viciously.

 

I can tell you that my ex's infidelity totally changed the way I looked at him. I questioned our entire relationship and it truly tainted everything we'd shared. But I also realized he didn't love me in the way I needed. Not anymore. Someone who really loved me wouldn't have been capable of that.

 

4 years after that breakup, the pain of the betrayal still affects me sometimes. It has caused a lot of insecurity and doubt and led me to mistrust people who are actually worthy of it. It has taken tremendous effort on my part to move past it and learn to trust and love again. Your one night with this other woman will in some ways stay with your girlfriend for a long time to come. I don't know what the future holds, but cheating isn't something one "bounces back" from. It can't be undone. You simply can't understand what you have done, unless you've been in your girlfriend's shoes. You're in for a very bumpy road ahead.

 

You're right. Although I keep talking to other people who have been on both ends of the situation. It's a betrayal, and it hurts the other person more than it hurts you, the betrayer. It'll take a lot of time, but I think we'll end up working things out. It won't be the same for either of us, but this was a one time thing and we're going to therapy to see how to fix it.

[Satu]

You're right. Although I keep talking to other people who have been on both ends of the situation. It's a betrayal, and it hurts the other person more than it hurts you, the betrayer. It'll take a lot of time, but I think we'll end up working things out. It won't be the same for either of us, but this was a one time thing and we're going to therapy to see how to *fix it.

 

It's not 'it' that needs to be fixed.

 

It's not your relationship that needs to be fixed.

 

It's you.

 

You need to be fixed.

 

If you keep that in mind, and you might make some progress and become a better person.

 

 

Take care.

[Pandabrains]

It's not 'it' that needs to be fixed.

 

It's not your relationship that needs to be fixed.

 

It's you.

 

You need to be fixed.

 

If you keep that in mind, and you might make some progress and become a better person.

 

 

Take care.

 

WHAT DO I DO? I feel regret and I want to change. Is that selfish? Am I not allowed to want to get back together with her? I'm always going to be wrong now. Whatever I say or do doesn't even matter if it's selfish. I can get all the help and learn what it really means to self reflect and it doesn't ****ing matter. I'm a cheater. There is no empathy for a cheater. What the **** does it even mean to become a better person? I know I want to be a better person, but I don't know what to do.

 

The only option for me is to just let her go? What if she calls me and says she wants to start over? Am I suppose to not be selfish and tell her that I can't do that? She just called me today. What do I have to do to become a better person? Is it even worth getting back together knowing the trust will take a long time to regain. Should I not be selfish and tell her to let us both have our space?

 

Is it even right to forgive a cheater? What needs to happen if you do forgive a cheater?

 

I may be a **** head but I want to know the answers to these questions.

[ExpatInItaly]

WHAT DO I DO? I feel regret and I want to change. Is that selfish? Am I not allowed to want to get back together with her? I'm always going to be wrong now. Whatever I say or do doesn't even matter if it's selfish. I can get all the help and learn what it really means to self reflect and it doesn't ****ing matter. I'm a cheater. There is no empathy for a cheater. What the **** does it even mean to become a better person? I know I want to be a better person, but I don't know what to do.

 

The only option for me is to just let her go? What if she calls me and says she wants to start over? Am I suppose to not be selfish and tell her that I can't do that? She just called me today. What do I have to do to become a better person? Is it even worth getting back together knowing the trust will take a long time to regain. Should I not be selfish and tell her to let us both have our space?

 

Is it even right to forgive a cheater? What needs to happen if you do forgive a cheater?

 

I may be a **** head but I want to know the answers to these questions.

 

The only person who can really answer these questions is your girlfriend. And she probably doesn't know the answer herself right now.

 

I personally couldn't forgive my ex who cheated. It was done as soon as I found out.

 

I can't give you the exact recipe for a reconciliation. But consider the following:

 

-cut all contact with the friend you cheated with. Delete her number, FB IG, whatever form of contact you had with her. She's not part of your life anymore. Ever.

 

-offer full transparency to your girlfriend, including phone, email and social media accounts. Show her you have nothing to hide anymore. Be where you say you're going to be; call when you say you will.

 

-be prepared for the backlash. If your friends and families don't already know, they very likely will, sooner or later. If this happens, own what you did. Don't blameshift or excuse or justify. Accept that some of those close to her probably won't want anything to do with you for a long time. Don't get angry at them; this is a direct consequence of your behaviour

 

-get ready for an emotional roller coaster. Your girlfriend may decide to give you another chance, only to change her mind a little while later. Expect her to seem fine some days and an emotional wreck the others. The same applies to periods away from each other. If you go out with your friends some night, understand that this will probably trigger her and you will need to provide her with extra love and reassurance.

 

-take time to really understand that your relationship will never truly be the same again. You changed the dynamic in a fundamental way and essentially ripped away the security she felt with you. That's not to say you cannot move past it together, but your relationship will be different.

 

If the above seems like too much, for either of you, your relationship will probably not survive. Only you can decide if it's worth it. You'd mentioned going to therapy earlier - was this her request or your suggestion?

 

I suggest you browse the Infidelity forum, too. You will see many threads there from the betrayed. You might gain some valuable insight and better understand what to do next.

[Satu]

WHAT DO I DO? I feel regret and I want to change. Is that selfish? Am I not allowed to want to get back together with her? I'm always going to be wrong now. Whatever I say or do doesn't even matter if it's selfish. I can get all the help and learn what it really means to self reflect and it doesn't ****ing matter. I'm a cheater. There is no empathy for a cheater. What the **** does it even mean to become a better person? I know I want to be a better person, but I don't know what to do.

 

The only option for me is to just let her go? What if she calls me and says she wants to start over? Am I suppose to not be selfish and tell her that I can't do that? She just called me today. What do I have to do to become a better person? Is it even worth getting back together knowing the trust will take a long time to regain. Should I not be selfish and tell her to let us both have our space?

 

Is it even right to forgive a cheater? What needs to happen if you do forgive a cheater?

 

I may be a **** head but I want to know the answers to these questions.

 

We are all under the same sky.

 

We all have to learn how to foster good relationships in our lives, by treating the people in our lives with respect, and loving kindness.

 

You are not in any sense, a special case.

 

If you don't know how to become a better person, you will have to find out.

 

Respect and loving kindness.

 

Start there.

 

 

Here is a clip from an old journal of mine:

 

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

 

 

We have no right to receive anything that we do not give.

 

 

Take care.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Satu

[Maxtor]

If she takes you back, just put a timer on her, because she will meet a new kind adventurous guy and she will cheat on you. And you deserve it.

[elaine567]

If she takes you back, just put a timer on her, because she will meet a new kind adventurous guy and she will cheat on you. And you deserve it.

 

It is not a done deal that she WILL cheat, not everyone has the cheating gene, but if she did, I guess it would give the OP some much needed insight.

[triple-s]

pAndabrains ... lets pretend the tables were reversed ... she cheated on YOU . how would that make you feel ? What would YOU DO ? would you take YOU back ?

 

Being cheated on is no picnic and is serious imho .

 

I've been cheated on and its probably the worst feeling ive ever felt next to losing a loved one ( ie. Death )

 

Although i know what the pain is like to feel like ive been shoved to the side ; i do not wish to practice or make others feel cheated on EVER . that is just me and my character .

 

Its called Integrity . Knowing the difference between right and wrong .

 

 

If youre asking for advice ; you should be alone . Do not be with anyone for a while and suck in all the loneliness and see what its like to have NO ONE . You will never value the true value of a companion til its gone

 

 

ps. I hope she leaves you . She'd be an idiot if she took you back ( sorry but its true )

[VintageWine]

 

Today i did some self reflection and I know why I cheated. We were each other's first intimate relationship and during our two years together I would think back at all the missed opportunities I had to be with someone else( prior to the relationship). While every one of my friends brag about the new chick or new guy they hooked up with, I'm stuck with one girl. I never got to experience being with other people prior to us dating.

 

 

Bull f*cking sh*t.

 

You wanna know why you cheated? You made the choice to cheat. I honestly don't understand why people in general try to find an excuse for their actions. If you wanted to experience stuff like being with others, you shouldn't have gotten into a relationship, stay single if you wanted to explore more.

 

You made your bed, now sleep in it.

[dreamingoftigers]

WHAT DO I DO? I feel regret and I want to change. Is that selfish? Am I not allowed to want to get back together with her? I'm always going to be wrong now. Whatever I say or do doesn't even matter if it's selfish. I can get all the help and learn what it really means to self reflect and it doesn't ****ing matter. I'm a cheater. There is no empathy for a cheater. What the **** does it even mean to become a better person? I know I want to be a better person, but I don't know what to do.

 

Number One is to take responsibility for your life, actions and feelings.

 

All of them. Know that you are going to be driven to do things which run contrary to the things you know you should do. And turn away from temptations.

 

When you don't, know that the consequences are entirely hours to contend with. They aren't something you can internally shift blame to.

 

Take full responsibility for your decisions and the consequences that come with them.

 

The only option for me is to just let her go? What if she calls me and says she wants to start over? Am I suppose to not be selfish and tell her that I can't do that? She just called me today. What do I have to do to become a better person? Is it even worth getting back together knowing the trust will take a long time to regain. Should I not be selfish and tell her to let us both have our space?

 

Generally if people don't have kids together, I recommend letting them go. It takes between 2 and 5 years to rebuild trust. If you've been together less than that, the foundation is totally cracked. Kids are solid long-term investment that need security and it the cheater is totally open, remorseful and transparent that's different.

That's just my opinion. If I wasn't pregnant when my husband stepped out, I would have dropped him quicker than hot lead.

 

Is it even right to forgive a cheater? What needs to happen if you do forgive a cheater?

 

I may be a **** head but I want to know the answers to these questions.

 

I know there's a list above from another poster.

 

But it will require a lot of patience with your gf if that's the route you go.

 

She will be fine one week and then gave a trigger the next. It is important to not be defensive or upset with her for having these upsets. Being cheated on is frankly, horrible. My aunt died over Christmas holidays. It wasn't as bad as bring cheated on.