Newly Separated, trying to figure it out

[whatisacup]

My wife have been married for 3 years and together for 7. We have had a very good relationship, we're both very stubborn and know it, so our frequent bickering usually ended with us saying sorry, laughing at how silly we can be and watching a movie.

 

The past few months, she started a new job. She works long hours and I gave her support she needed to begin her career (I work long hours too). I cleaned and did all the chores and told her don't worry about it for a few weeks. After a few weeks, I left out of town, and she said she would take care of things. When I came home, it was a disaster. I used to have anger problems, that were solved way before she met me, so she never knew that side. I flipped and put her down and stormed out. I went for a walk and I called her telling her I did wrong. She called me abusive and told me she needs me gone for a few days.

 

This is where I really messed up. I kept texting and calling after she said no contact. After I kept pestering her, she kept saying a month then three months, to the point where she said she will be done if she hears from me. I of course kept pestering her, and she said she wants a divorce. I tried to plead, but she made up her mind.

 

Throughout the whole time, I just needed some structure and wanted to discuss what happened, so I can work on it. I admit, I was thinking about me and not about her.

 

A few days later, her and I were discussing who gets what and how it begins. It was kind of heated and passive aggressive, which we both can get. At one point in the email conversation, she said "I wish you just left me along and gave me my space". I sent her a lengthy email admitting I was wrong and tried to explain my mindset, saying although I'm wrong, try to put yourself in my shoes (she knows change is hard for me).

 

During the space she wanted, I would do okay, then she would text me something asking about something financials. This would cause me to keep asking about "us".

 

Along the way I asked her to go out with me on Valentine's day, with no response. I later emailed her saying I was busy and had to take back the offer (I didn't mention this, but I had a work event). She replied back and asked what was wrong with me going on on Valentines?

 

She makes more money than me and has not cut off any credit cards (I'm good with money, so it's not like I would go on a shopping spree at Barney's). But along the way, after I kept bugging her, she would randomly ask for things like, to split our savings account, which made me even worse, thinking it was over.

 

I have since seen a therapist to work on me (I have depression as well, which never bothered us, but I am going for me). My wife, who's sister is an overly confident inexperienced psychology student is telling her I am boarderline and I will never change. This is not helping my case (I asked my therapist and she laughed and said, you're completely normal with issues you need to work on).

 

I asked her to consider continuing a separation with the intent of getting back together. We originally doing a legal separation (you need to legally do that to divorce in my state) and I asked instead to do a one year controlled separation while we dated. We moved in together very quickly, and suggested it might be a good opportunity to date and have fun. I told her I understand what I did wrong and I was being selfish. She said "I will consider and get back to you".

 

Like an idiot, I sent her a bunch of emails with information about controlled separation. I later sent a final email saying, I got very excited and said I obviously still have a lot to work on and to ignore the emails. I told her I need change and I will work very hard to fix my issues. I told her I've been selfish and controlling the past few weeks and will stop.

 

I officially am making no contact until she contacts me. She has not responded since she said she will consider (she's very busy with work and told me she will be until the end of the month, working 15 hour days).

 

From a woman's perspective, should I take her "consideration" seriously or take it as her trying to shut me up?

 

She has no problem ignoring me and putting me in my place, so her mentioning what went wrong and said she would consider sounds like a change. We have a hefty savings account and will be using a part of it to rent a cheap apartment for a year, because I want to work on me and don't know what she wants. I won't be contacting her until she contacts me.

 

I never dealt with a situation like this before, should I consider it the end, or just a very angry and upset wife?

Edited February 4, 2016 by whatisacup

[Brady375]

First take a breath.....stop trying to figure the situation out. Just be. Work on yourself and get your head on straight and stop being a pressuring insecure man. You will not get her back like this.

You may or may not have pushed her too far away w your actions. I do not know. By your post though it appears you have a lot of self improvement to do and issues to work through. Working on your self control and emotional maturity on how you handle things cannot be Faked. You can't try and change her mind she will see right through all of the games so don't even try.

Give her exactly what she asks for when dealing w Boundries and do not pressure her. Have self control, that is appealing. A pressuring insecure person is not. These problems despite what you may think about them did not materialize over night. Many many small increment details along w some bigger events led to this and in the same token they will not be fixed quickly. You may be in for a long haul to fix things so stop probing her and stop looking for or asking for signs of her wanting to work on getting things back together. Stop reading into stuff. She has to Want to Date you all over again and if your behavior is off or pressuring why would she considering her options?

Google homer McDonald. He has a lot of very true points in his material I find useful. If you can calm your emotions and get a handle on yourself and not let your emotions get the better of you and day by day you can make this worse or better.

Continue no contact and if she contacts you keep it cool. If she tosses out any "bait" to get a rise out of you don't take it, she'll want to see if your the same insecure hot head or not.

Dont concern yourself w whether she Notices or is aware of your positive changes. Don't try to tell her about them or plead your case. She is thinking of you. Keep up no contact. Good luck.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Brady375

[testmeasure]

The past few months, she started a new job. She works long hours and I gave her support she needed to begin her career (I work long hours too). I cleaned and did all the chores and told her don't worry about it for a few weeks. After a few weeks, I left out of town, and she said she would take care of things. When I came home, it was a disaster. I used to have anger problems, that were solved way before she met me, so she never knew that side. I flipped and put her down and stormed out. I went for a walk and I called her telling her I did wrong. She called me abusive and told me she needs me gone for a few days.

 

When you "flipped", did you just yell at her a putdown and then walk out? Were you yelling? How long did you yell at her?

 

On what basis does she describe it as abusive. I'm trying to ask more about this one event because, they way you describe it, this is the only thing you did that was actually bad or wrong.

 

You went for a walk, called her and told her you felt you had done wrong pretty much right away?

 

You haven't seen her since then?

 

What was in all this communication you sent her? Could any of it be considered: threatening, venting your anger to her, or putting her down? If it did, that's a problem. But I didn't hear any of that from your post.

 

It sounded like all you did was to beg, give reasons for wanting to get back together, and try to get her to update you on how she was feeling. If that's all you did, I don't think there's anything "wrong or bad" with what you did. It may have been unwanted and if you were coming off as needy and insecure, it may have been unappealing. It's an upsetting situation. That you would desperately try to find the right words to save the situation, is a reaction I find understandable.

 

A continued desperate attempt to save the situation may not have been the best move tactically, but there's nothing "bad or wrong" about it, and I think it's an understandable reaction.

 

If she's not willing to be understanding, that's her loss. It seems to me kind of short sighted to throw a way a marriage for a reason like that. If that's her decision, you may not be able to change it. I can see how that would be very disappointing.

 

That brings us back to the one actual "bad and wrong" thing you did that was your fault. How much justification she has for ending it from that event sort of depends on how bad it was. If you yelled at her for an hour, calling her names and putting her down, while looking like you were out of control the whole time, and then stormed out, that's pretty bad even though it's a single event. If you flipped, yelled a single put down and then stormed out, went on a walk to calm down, that's almost evidence that if you ever do lose it, you're pretty quickly going to remove yourself from the situation, do something to calm down and then re-engage. It's still a bad thing to flip out, but it shows you have the correct behavior if you ever do.

 

If the flipping out was on the minimal side, and there were no threats or aggression in the communication, you might want to put this whole thing down, step back and take a fresh look at whether there were any indications she was loosing interest in or dissatisfied with the marriage before this all happened.

 

She may be using your actions as justification for something she wants to do for her own reasons anyway. That would also explain why none of your communication about the situation seems to be of any use. There's no way to convince her of anything if you don't know and can't address the real reasons she's doing it.

 

 

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Edited February 5, 2016 by testmeasure

[Mr. Lucky]

After a few weeks, I left out of town, and she said she would take care of things. When I came home, it was a disaster. I used to have anger problems, that were solved way before she met me, so she never knew that side. I flipped and put her down and stormed out. I went for a walk and I called her telling her I did wrong. She called me abusive and told me she needs me gone for a few days.

 

I'd guess she didn't really end your marriage and "good relationship" over this single incident but from an accumulated disenchantment with your neediness and insecurity. It jumps from your post.

 

My friend, if she's going to buy what you're selling, you need some self-belief. Glad you're seeing a therapist, I'd also hit the bike and the gym. Work on a better you, the world - including her - will notice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[danny11]

if she loves you she will come back that simple, best thing of you is to forget move forward erase her number from your phone.

 

delete the pictures anything thats making you soft. just do what ever it takes to stop bothering her. when she's ready she will come trust me, and if she's never ready guess what she wasn't meant for you anyways.