30 and still single

[neowulf]

I just want to add a few details that may clear up some of the assumptions stated above...

 

1) Regarding my career choice and its effect on my dating life, I don't ever use military verbiage outside of work, nor do I try to "impress" people with my rank or experience. That's not my personality at all, and I'm not just a "stone" or robot who can't show any emotion. If I didn't bring up the fact that I'm in the military (a crucial detail), then you would never know. Narcissism and arrogance are two of my biggest pet peeves.

 

2) It may sound contradictory to the general consensus here, but 95% of the people who have been in longer than 4 years are married. To make that even worse, the girl to guy ratio is horribly unbalanced.

 

Outside of these hidden feelings of low self worth, I consider myself to be a normal person that desires companionship with the right person. It just never happens, and endless rejection really wears you down physically and mentally.

 

Hire a dating coach. Seriously, when ever I see stories like this I'm left thinking "There's got to be something more to this".

 

It may be something you're not aware of? Or it might be nothing at all. It's impossible for us to say.

 

I've got a friend of mind who turned 41 recently and hasn't been in a stable relationship in over 10 years. She's great on paper. Hell, I think she's pretty great in person. But I know *exactly* why she's still single. You only have to spend an amount of time with her to figure it out.

 

How often do you approach women? Maybe you're just intimidating the hell out of them? Maybe you're a walking stereotype? They take one look at you and think "Player" or "Jerk"? Who knows.

 

There's limits to the advice that can be offered here when it comes to this stuff. You really need someone to dig into it and try help you figure it out.

 

All the best man.

[notoriginal]

It 's attractive that you care about this and are not afraid to show your feelings, also the way you describe it. If this was your dating ad I'm not sure why women are not interested honestly.

[AMJ]

Most in the military are married, yes, but they don't spend as much time on deployment as you do. Seven years straight? That's a long time away from home, and if you've been moving around from place to place that whole time, it's hard for you to meet women while on deployment even.. Am I understanding your situation correctly, or not?

[elaine567]

Hire a dating coach. Seriously, when ever I see stories like this I'm left thinking "There's got to be something more to this".

 

It may be something you're not aware of? Or it might be nothing at all. It's impossible for us to say.

 

I've got a friend of mind who turned 41 recently and hasn't been in a stable relationship in over 10 years. She's great on paper. Hell, I think she's pretty great in person. But I know *exactly* why she's still single. You only have to spend an amount of time with her to figure it out.

 

How often do you approach women? Maybe you're just intimidating the hell out of them? Maybe you're a walking stereotype? They take one look at you and think "Player" or "Jerk"? Who knows.

 

There's limits to the advice that can be offered here when it comes to this stuff. You really need someone to dig into it and try help you figure it out.

 

All the best man.

 

I think you are probably right, something pretty basic and obvious, is putting the women off right away, so that they do not even give the OP a chance to get to know them at all.

[SwordofFlame]

OP, you mention having no friends either in your current abode. This always seems to go hand in hand with men that struggle to find a date. I think if you can solve this problem, you may also be able to solve your dating problem. What are you doing outside of work? Do you socialize often at work? Do you tell people you're relatively new in town and don't know a single person here? You might want to consider doing that.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

What's also very shocking is that the OP is in the military, you would think the odds are usually in a guys favor if he is in the military, it would have molded him up into a "real Man", as much as I detest the rules of masculinity

[Anderlie]

I never said I'm being disrespected, nor am I being insincere in my dealings with people. Just because I don't display the fact that I'm severely depressed on the inside does not mean my dealings with people aren't genuine. I don't have a secret agenda to "trick" someone into liking me, it's actually the opposite. I'm bothered by the fact that you interpreted what I said the way you did.

 

I also never said you were being disrespected as such, just that genuinely nice people aren't deemed weak by your average person. Why do you think you see it that way? I believe it's because you don't see niceness as its own reward, as something we do for other's benefit rather than our own. If it bothers you perhaps examine why, especially since you seem to have an answer for why every piece of feedback you get is wrong. If you had all the answers mate you wouldn't be in this situation.

 

Secondly if you truly are severely depressed at the moment you need to stop worrying about dating and start worrying about getting healthy.

[TThang29]

@Anderlie - You make all valid points. It's much deeper than what I've stated above, but for the sake of anonymity I've left a lot of specifics out. Essentially, I'm not here to seek advice really, more just to vent since I literally have no other outlet. I'm not actively trying to date, I've pretty much thrown in the towel on that subject, but the complete and total failure there still feels like a never ending wound. The holiday season greatly amplifies it too. Thanks for taking the time to reply though.

[ZA Dater]

@Anderlie - You make all valid points. It's much deeper than what I've stated above, but for the sake of anonymity I've left a lot of specifics out. Essentially, I'm not here to seek advice really, more just to vent since I literally have no other outlet. I'm not actively trying to date, I've pretty much thrown in the towel on that subject, but the complete and total failure there still feels like a never ending wound. The holiday season greatly amplifies it too. Thanks for taking the time to reply though.

 

Holiday seasons always seem to amplify that feeling, I can relate. I think time can heal lots of things though.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Recently came into contact with this guy on Facebook, who is almost 35 and he says he has never had a girlfriend, never been close to having one

[tasev1]

Recently came into contact with this guy on Facebook, who is almost 35 and he says he has never had a girlfriend, never been close to having one

 

Sounds like me! Ironically enough, I do sometimes message Facebook girls to get their attention to see where it goes. They never answer. ?

[shet]

I'd been single my whole life at 30 and without any intimacy for far longer than you. As I turned 32 I found someone. I did nothing different - we met via Tinder, I had been going on OLD dates for the previous year, some dropped me, some were dropped by me. Then this one just worked out, and still is. It was random. I don't know if that helps or not. The only thing to take away is, you have to keep trying and be positive.

[ZA Dater]

I'd been single my whole life at 30 and without any intimacy for far longer than you. As I turned 32 I found someone. I did nothing different - we met via Tinder, I had been going on OLD dates for the previous year, some dropped me, some were dropped by me. Then this one just worked out, and still is. It was random. I don't know if that helps or not. The only thing to take away is, you have to keep trying and be positive.

 

Or just simply accept there are better things to occupy ones time with than chasing the improbable.

[Lokin4AReason]

age is a just a number ( not matter at how you see it ) and how you handle it, is another question ... with time we become wiser ( of what WE want in our lives and not ), IMO

[mightycpa]

Due to the rank I hold for my age, I have absolutely no peers or friends here.

You know, you say that, but it isn't that. Yes, I read about your married friends scattered like the wind that you can't confide in, meaning you're not particularly close to them.

 

I also read about your hobbies and "there's a lot" and even with all of that, you don't have friends. As another poster said, there's your problem.

 

I suspect people are uncomfortable with you because you're uncomfortable with them. Men, women, it doesn't much matter. You sense this, and I'm sure you try to adjust and it's awkward. I have a couple of friends like you; well, not friends, exactly, because they have walls, but close acquaintances. I try to ignore the walls, and they seem to respond to that. But when they try that with other people, they always seem to break the wrong boundary, and it puts people off. Over the years, they've been fairly unsuccessful with most men and women too. They don't have close relationships with more than one or two people. I think that's why.

 

Maybe this describes you too.

[lolablue17]

WOW! I've read the whole thread.

 

Listen... There are tones of girls who feel the same just like you. For girls it's much more stressing because men have much longer market value than women. You will still be attractive on your 40th and even 50th. I don't say women are not, but it's a little more difficult for them.

 

I think the main problem is the places you hangs out, and the type of women you meet. For example, previously in my like i took a 1 year course in a seminar (a small university) who prepares to be teachers. The ratio between men and women was like 9:1. 9 women for every 1 man! They were mostly singles and they were actively "searching", sometimes aggressively. I just had to say "No" all the time.

 

Lots of women (maybe not when they're very young) prefer a man who is stable, who has a decent job, who can respect them. You just have to improve your way of locating them. Not necessarily bars, or gym, or salsa clubs.

 

Make a business plan. Where are they, lots of women? Go there, be involved, study something... I can assure you, in few month you'll be sitting back and laughing, remembering how frustraited you felt in the past. Do put up with you frustration. Solve it. it's in your hands.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Sounds like me! Ironically enough, I do sometimes message Facebook girls to get their attention to see where it goes. They never answer. ?

 

And to hear of so many guys reach their late 20's, even 30s without never having a relationship before, is still not enough to win an argument whenever there is a gender argument as to which gender has it easier in the dating/mating game, because you don't hear of many women reaching that age range without having a relationship yet, probably because women don't have to be the initiators

[ZA Dater]

WOW! I've read the whole thread.

 

Listen... There are tones of girls who feel the same just like you. For girls it's much more stressing because men have much longer market value than women. You will still be attractive on your 40th and even 50th. I don't say women are not, but it's a little more difficult for them.

 

I think the main problem is the places you hangs out, and the type of women you meet. For example, previously in my like i took a 1 year course in a seminar (a small university) who prepares to be teachers. The ratio between men and women was like 9:1. 9 women for every 1 man! They were mostly singles and they were actively "searching", sometimes aggressively. I just had to say "No" all the time.

 

Lots of women (maybe not when they're very young) prefer a man who is stable, who has a decent job, who can respect them. You just have to improve your way of locating them. Not necessarily bars, or gym, or salsa clubs.

 

Make a business plan. Where are they, lots of women? Go there, be involved, study something... I can assure you, in few month you'll be sitting back and laughing, remembering how frustraited you felt in the past. Do put up with you frustration. Solve it. it's in your hands.

 

The bold makes perfect sense in theory as does the rest of the post but I think its overly simplistic. People who struggle usually struggle because of

: physical appearance

: mannerism

: shyness

 

Or a combination of all three. Those things cant and cant be solved to varying degrees.

[road]

I'd been single my whole life at 30 and without any intimacy for far longer than you. As I turned 32 I found someone. I did nothing different - we met via Tinder, I had been going on OLD dates for the previous year, some dropped me, some were dropped by me. Then this one just worked out, and still is. It was random. I don't know if that helps or not. The only thing to take away is, you have to keep trying and be positive.

 

 

Proof that it is a numbers game.

 

 

To sit around and cry in one's beer is not manly. It only keeps a man single. Men can never turn themselves into woman magnet. Though they can always improve themselves to help their chances.

 

 

Personal hygiene

 

 

Clothes

 

 

Manners

 

 

Conversation skills

 

 

Women see red flags and a man gets blocked from even being placed in the friend zone. Eliminate the red flags. Being rated a 1 or a 2 on dress may not sound good. Though it is a lot better then staying at a 0.

 

 

Most women do not like beards, so shave every day.

 

 

Clothes is how we package our selves. You want to look good enough to be taken home or left on the shelf?

 

 

Manners shows that you have half a brain, care, do not always put yourself first, conscious others and your surroundings.

 

 

Learning basic conversation skills when you can't get past asking what time is it, how are you going to sell yourself.

[road]

The bold makes perfect sense in theory as does the rest of the post but I think its overly simplistic. People who struggle usually struggle because of

: physical appearance

: mannerism

: shyness

 

Or a combination of all three. Those things cant and cant be solved to varying degrees.

 

 

 

 

All those things can be improved. Not enough to pull in women like George Clooney. Being a 5 is not a 10. Though it is better to improve to a 5 then stay at a 0.

[bubby7]

What you are experiencing sounds very painful and very frustrating. You are to be commended for finding a place to vent. It’s very important to be able to vent your feelings! Have you ever asked yourself why you have to wear a “mask” when you’re around your family and friends? Having a good friend, a trusted family member, mentor or minister you can confide in is very very helpful. I was mentoring a young man who was 30, a virgin and couldn’t connect with any of the girls he met. After spending some time together we realized that even though he had a great career and was physically fit he was not emotionally or spiritually healthy (and I’m not talking necessarily about going to church). Every girl he met eventually picked up on the pain and the tumult he was experiencing inside and ran! After working very diligently on his emotional and spiritual health and availing himself to the right support he met a young lady and last month they celebrated their first wedding anniversary. I’m giving you the short version of a three year assiduous journey. He’ll tell you that it was worth it! Please don’t give up! There is hope for you!

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

What you are experiencing sounds very painful and very frustrating. You are to be commended for finding a place to vent. It’s very important to be able to vent your feelings! Have you ever asked yourself why you have to wear a “mask” when you’re around your family and friends? Having a good friend, a trusted family member, mentor or minister you can confide in is very very helpful. I was mentoring a young man who was 30, a virgin and couldn’t connect with any of the girls he met. After spending some time together we realized that even though he had a great career and was physically fit he was not emotionally or spiritually healthy (and I’m not talking necessarily about going to church). Every girl he met eventually picked up on the pain and the tumult he was experiencing inside and ran! After working very diligently on his emotional and spiritual health and availing himself to the right support he met a young lady and last month they celebrated their first wedding anniversary. I’m giving you the short version of a three year assiduous journey. He’ll tell you that it was worth it! Please don’t give up! There is hope for you!

 

He was 30 when you met him, how long did it take for him to meet that woman he ended up marrying?

[Chris2016]

I'm curios also.

[string of letters]

OP, I've seen a number of threads like this over the years. I'm sure it's not much consolation, but yours is the best written one I've seen yet.

 

The people who say 'Well, there's something offputting about him that he's not telling us....': you MAY be right, but also the world can be a really cruel, arbitrary and sick place (and if you haven't had experiences that you can cause you to see this, let's just say that you have been very very lucky). I don't necessarily have much trouble believing that there's nothing 'wrong' with the OP. Now, this is a bit arbitrary, and I'm not trying to take pot shots, but how many of you have seen the academic studies that, drawing upon a really huge amount of data, reveal that a really large number women are deeply obsessed with a man's height? (I don't remember the OP saying anything about height, it's just a simple example that comes to my mind.) When you start to learn more about this kind of thing, you really get the feeling that you are in the 21st century.... BC!

 

I have some advice for the OP. There's this kind of model floating around Western culture, which I suspect is ultimately Freudian, and it goes something like this: if you go for X amount of time without a partner, it just gets worse, and worse, and worse. It's not necessarily like that at all, and it is definitely possible to bounce back and feel better, even in the absence of a relationship. This is not what the OP wants to hear, but some of this may come naturally with age. Anyway, I don't want to drone on about all this because it differs from person to person, but I just want to say hang in there and don't give up.

[ZA Dater]

What you are experiencing sounds very painful and very frustrating. You are to be commended for finding a place to vent. It’s very important to be able to vent your feelings! Have you ever asked yourself why you have to wear a “mask” when you’re around your family and friends? Having a good friend, a trusted family member, mentor or minister you can confide in is very very helpful. I was mentoring a young man who was 30, a virgin and couldn’t connect with any of the girls he met. After spending some time together we realized that even though he had a great career and was physically fit he was not emotionally or spiritually healthy (and I’m not talking necessarily about going to church). Every girl he met eventually picked up on the pain and the tumult he was experiencing inside and ran! After working very diligently on his emotional and spiritual health and availing himself to the right support he met a young lady and last month they celebrated their first wedding anniversary. I’m giving you the short version of a three year assiduous journey. He’ll tell you that it was worth it! Please don’t give up! There is hope for you!

 

1: Speaking for myself I wear that mask because nobody really understands what its like to have never had a gf. Unless you are 30 years old and never had a gf you simply cannot relate to how that person feels, people pretend they do but they don't. Only people who have experienced no success for such a long period can understand and relate.

 

2: I tried this with a very long standing friend, it wasn't helpful at all because of point 1 and because I just ended up feeling even more hopeless, the suggestions offered were not viable ones.

 

3: Absolutely true, I know why the girls I like don't like me and its exactly what you have typed above. I am what I am and the world doesn't look too kindly on inexperienced soon to 32yo virgin guys.