Advice

[Ace]

My "gf" and I are now dating as many of you know. It has its ups and downs just like any relationship goes. However, the downs that we have are really depressing me. Sometimes we have these little talks about she still does not know what she wants and she still does not know if she loves me in the right way.

 

She says that she feels guilty about this and wants to change, but doesn't know if she can or not. I do anything for this girl and she loves it, but I do not sense her doing it back.

 

To top it all off, she told me last night while we were having one of these talks, she gave her number to a guy that used to go to her high school. She said that she thinks he called the other day, but she was not there. This really hurt me after the 4 years that we had been together previously and also these 4 months after we had started dating again.

 

I told her that if she went out with that guy, we were through. I believe that if she wants to date another guy, I obviously don't mean very much to her and she has to feel her entertainment somewhere else.

 

She also says that I feel more like her buddy now, rather than a boyfriend. She says that she still loves me, but she doesn't know if it is the right way or not.

 

Could she be feeling this now because she is about ready to graduate and just handle the pressure of a relationship? Could this be anything else that you guys could think of?

 

A girl just cannot turn off what she has felt for a boy for soooo long and just say, I don't know. I believe that there is a reason for everything.

 

I have came to the conclusion that this may result in our breakup AGAIN and I am willing to accept that. That is if she doesn't come out of this little slump or she decides to go date other people.

 

I really don't know what to do because I could just say, this is not what I want and to just breakup, but I don't know if it is going to change with time. I mean, if we are together for a little while longer and we let our relationship flourish, then I would think that it is inevitable.

 

What do you guys think about this one?

 

Thanks always,

 

Adam

[Tony T]

You always seems to just want to read what you want to read but that's not going to stop me from telling you like it is.

 

The words in your post that are key to your problem are: "I do anything for this girl and she loves it, but I do not sense her doing it back."

 

You just can't keep the interest of a young girl by doing all kinds of things for her. That's not what she wants. She may tell you she loves it but she HATES it. She is just being polite. I've told you this over and over and over. Perhaps your self esteem is so poor you feel you have to do things for her to keep her around but now...you have complete proof...that it doesn't work. You have found out on your own.

 

Now, why don't you just back off and give her some of her own medicine. Don't be so nice. Don't do so much for this girl. She is NOT attracted to that. I told you before and I'll tell you again...she wants to date a MAN, a man who is confident. She can surely tell just how insecure you are by your behavior. A guy who's always discussing the relationship, who never ceases on doing nice things for a girl does not exude the kind of self-assurance and confidence that is sexy and attractive to a woman.

 

If you can just find a balance where you stop caring so much, you stop being her shadow, you stop calling her so much, you stop talking about the relationship so much, you stop caring if she calls other guys, etc., you will have her eating out of your hands.

 

No girl, and particulary one her age, wants a guy in her face constantly. The more of a challenge you are, the more she will absolutely love it. I give you my personal guarantee.

 

Now, on the other hand, I haven't even talked to her once but she has followed my instructions down to a Tee. She has you in her hip pocket. She has you wrapped around her little finger. Why? Because she follows my very easy strategy. She didn't care what you thought when she went on Spring Break and told you she might see guys there. She didn't care if you broke up with her. She doesn't care what you think. She even told you she gave her number to another guy. She really didn't care what you thought...and it's driving you crazy. This girl knows what she's doing and she's so much better at it and so far more advanced than you and I doubt she's even getting great advice from a love forum like you are. And I bet if she asked for advice, she'd try it instead of fighting it like you always do.

 

She broke up with you a few months back and called and told you not to come to the art show because she didn't want to see you. I mean this girl is terrific in knowing just what to do to keep you just where she wants you. She is an absolute genius and you don't even recognize her strategy.

 

Unfortunately, now that she knows you are so lovesick and easilly manipulated by her brilliance she is bored. The ONLY way you are going to save this is if you give it right back to her.

 

But I know you can't do that. All you can do is write me posts telling me how full of crap I am.

 

Well, let's just see!!!

[Ace]

OK Tony, I can see where you are coming from. I respect your advice and it is probably good advice. This time you did not tell me to break up and that it is not something that I need.

 

I am getting alot better in the fact that I don't call her as much. As far as the relationship talk goes, she is the one that always brings something up about it. I never do because I have taken your advice on that one.

 

I have been better about the whole lovesick thing, but I guess I haven't been good enough. What I might do is call her to see what is going on if I don't already know and just let her call me.

 

I will see if I can't call her for anything and see what her reaction is. I want to do all of these nice things to her, but I guess those will have to wait until she realizes that she has to do her part in the relationship.

 

Maybe the reason she is feeling like that is because I do do all of these nice things for her. She tells me that she just doesn't know, but maybe these are the things. Maybe if I just stay back from her and her life for a little while, things will change?

 

I am down to my last nerve on this relationship and I am going to try this. I mean, this is about the last shot before I go off the deepend! I really want her to be the way that she was and I have tried everything that I can think of. She has even said that I am a completely different guy before we broke up and maybe I should let in a little bit more of my rudeness just to let her know that this is not a one person show!

 

I really feel better now Tony. I don't know why, but after hearing that, I have decided what I am going to do. It must have taken me that many times for it to actually sink in.

 

We are supposed to do something tomorrow which is Friday. I am not going to call her and I am going to let her try to call and see what she says.

 

Adam

[clia]

Everything that Tony said, plus:

 

"Could she be feeling this now because she is about ready to graduate and just handle the pressure of a relationship?"

 

No. If she really loved you and wanted to make things work, she'd be willing to hang in there.

 

"Could this be anything else that you guys could think of?"

 

She is giving you major hints that it's over. It's hard to end a 4 year relationship, but she clearly wants to and you are fighting her every step of the way.

 

"A girl just cannot turn off what she has felt for a boy for soooo long and just say, I don't know. I believe that there is a reason for everything."

 

How do you know? I was in a 4 year relationship from 16-20, and my feelings changed for my ex. Sure, I cared about him as a person, but my 'love' feelings for him were gone. Just because you can't turn off your feelings doesn't mean that she can't. She has changed and you are no longer the type of person she wants to be with. You really do need to face that.

 

"I have came to the conclusion that this may result in our breakup AGAIN and I am willing to accept that. That is if she doesn't come out of this little slump or she decides to go date other people."

 

You really don't seem like you're willing to accept it. Words are just words. Until your actions prove that you are willing to accept it, you truly aren't. And this isn't a little slump. She's been telling you this stuff for months now, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

 

Please follow Tony's advice for once. Walk away from her.

[Ed]

Your girlfriend obviously has interests in dating other people. Nobody knows if she will actually follow through with it, but it is definitely a VERY BIG possibility if she is giving her number out to other guys AND telling you she is doing so. Why wait around for it to happen? You don't want to date other women and you don't want her dating other men. You want an exclusive dating relationship, but SHE DOES NOT! If your relationship with her is meant to be, then it can survive dating other people.

 

I don't think you really need to even breakup with her. Begin to pursue other interests. She may care for and/or love you in some way, but I don't think she would care if you took up interest in other activities or another lady. Do it now, or languish in you depression and hurt for a while longer, and do it later.

[Ace]

That is exactly what I am going to do Ed. I am not going to break up and say that we shouldn't see each other again. I am just going to back off a little bit and not do the things that I used to; call her, give her flowers occasionally, offer to help on things, etc.

 

If I back off now and she says something about her not liking it or I can tell that it bothers her then maybe she will realize what I mean to her.

 

If I back off and she seems not to care and keeps on doing the things that she does, then the outcome is obvious. I will break off the relationship if after I back off, I don't sense any change in her attitude.

 

I just don't deserve someone that I give everything to and I don't get anything back! I know that I could get someone that would treat me better right now, but I would not feel the same way to them. That is why I am willing to give this a little time, just to see how things go.

 

We will see how she truly feels after I stop being her little love-sick puppy! I will treat her just as she is treating me. I don't like to do it, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

Adam