A little Update

[TheOneYouHate]

Going through the stuff with an affair is one of the worst things I can imagine from both sides. I send a NC to my AP, and I was miserable for so long, I was anxious and just felt crappy about it. A month or so later I got an email in my work email from her wishing me a Happy Birthday. I had set up all kinds of filters and blocks, but as anyone knows you can get an email address and work through those if you really want. I did not respond, then the next day she took a jab at me in an email and I responded. Dumbest thing I have done, then we were talking but just "as friends", then I sent another NC and that lasted about a month and I got a text from an app she used and got by my block on my work phone. I engaged and thought that my anxiety would go away because at least I would know where the next email was coming from and maybe keep her at bay. Dumb idea #2, I kept my distance but slowly but surely got drawn back in. So my wife finds out that I had been talking to her again by reading an email I sent my counselor asking what is wrong with me, and why I keep going down this path. So long story short, I was leaving doors cracked, and I was responding when I should not have, but I finally sent a real NC. This time spelling out that I was committed to my marriage, that I was going to stay where I was and that I wanted to be an honest man. I asked her to respect my decision by not contacting me in any form. Well of course I got a text from yet another app calling me an *******, and my wife was dumber than dog ****, that was just the preview. I didn't even read the whole thing and blocked the number. Then later in the night I get a call from yet another number and blocked it, but she left me a voicemail calling me a coward and I should end this correctly. I know now it is all part of trying to manipulate me to respond. I have to admit my heart skips a beat every time the phone rings and every time I get a notification.

 

I did it right this time I believe, and I have the resolve to never respond again. I have told my wife about, she is on my side, and told her she was trying to retaliate so if she got anything from that country in the mail or anything like that not to let her back in just destroy it. She is on my side, and I wrote a letter of commitment to my wife, and told her about intending to be an honest man and I was committed to our marriage working and I was going to keep that resolve. I told of the messages, so that she knows that I am honest and going to tell the truth. I don't want to be the cheater and liar anymore, I want to be honest.

 

Thank God, my wife has stuck with me, she talks about with me and has truly just loved me through it all.

 

So good news, I am in hotel room to stand on my own two feet and make the right decisions without any pressure, that I actually do this myself for probably the first time in my life. I am dating my wife, last night we spent the night together and we have just learned to really appreciate one another. I want us both to be in our marriage because we want to be and because we love each other, not because security, or financial reasons, but because we truly want to be there. It is working. I miss her every hour that goes by. So love does prevail and even though the retaliation keeps coming it will eventually stop and we are going to continue to stick together and work to have a new and better marriage.

[wmacbride]

"and my wife was dumber than dog ****, that was just the preview."

 

 

 

I never understand why the ow in these types of situations feels the need to insult and lash out at the bs. If anyone, they should be angry with themselves and the mm. It's not the W fault that she made bad choices.

 

it sounds like you are on the right track, and both you and your W are committed to making it work. I hope that things go well for you both.

[Satu]

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

[RySant]

I never understand why the ow in these types of situations feels the need to insult and lash out at the bs. If anyone, they should be angry with themselves and the mm. It's not the W fault that she made bad choices.

 

Because they are so misinformed. They think that because their MM is giving them attention, "love" and sex, the wife is already dumb, inferior or basically they think that, as an OW, they are way better since the MM is with them.

 

Ego boost, narcissism, you name it. They don't get the idea that there's an issue with their MM in terms of commitment etc. oh well

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank God, my wife has stuck with me, she talks about with me and has truly just loved me through it all.

 

She is a remarkably forgiving and understanding woman. Few would still be at your side.

 

So love does prevail and even though the retaliation keeps coming it will eventually stop and we are going to continue to stick together and work to have a new and better marriage.

 

Just don't assume it's a task completed, lots of work still to be done and most of it by you. Regardless, nice to see a positive outcome, happy endings are few and far between in the Infidelity forum...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gigi2015]

The one:

 

What was it that made you realize you wanted and loved your wife? And what as it that led you to seek an A?

[TheOneYouHate]

The one:

 

What was it that made you realize you wanted and loved your wife? And what as it that led you to seek an A?

 

The thing that made me realize that I loved my wife was moving out for a few days. Then the AP started to say that she was moving out and it became real. I realized it was either choose right or choose wrong, and I felt like as a person that believes in God, that the right choice was my wife and missed every thing about her. I left to stand on my own two feet, and had to make the decision on my own. Realized what I had, and what I had been crapping all over and quite frankly, the OW didn't and couldn't ever measure up to my wife. We always affair down don't we or at least I thought I had seen that and it is true. I will never be a WS as long as I live it is miserable.

 

What started it was (according to my counselor) a lack of self worth, self doubt, my mother passed away and left me with nothing, I wasn't even mentioned in her will and I clung to the OW as a replacement for the my mom's loss. I never really said goodbye or grieved the loss of my mom, and I washed my hands of it and in not dealing with it, I replaced the love that rejected me with one that told oh we can have this wonderful life. I bought the lie. We are working on some of that in therapy, it was trauma followed by someone who said the right things. Actually my marriage is now improved, because we brought everything and anything that was missing out of the affair and into the marriage and we are better than ever. Let me say, I don't recommend that to improve a marriage.

Edited February 4, 2016 by TheOneYouHate
addition

[Gigi2015]

What made you cheat on your wife?

[Whoknew30]

The thing that made me realize that I loved my wife was moving out for a few days. Then the AP started to say that she was moving out and it became real. I realized it was either choose right or choose wrong, and I felt like as a person that believes in God, that the right choice was my wife and missed every thing about her. I left to stand on my own two feet, and had to make the decision on my own. Realized what I had, and what I had been crapping all over and quite frankly, the OW didn't and couldn't ever measure up to my wife. We always affair down don't we or at least I thought I had seen that and it is true. I will never be a WS as long as I live it is miserable.

 

What started it was (according to my counselor) a lack of self worth, self doubt, my mother passed away and left me with nothing, I wasn't even mentioned in her will and I clung to the OW as a replacement for the my mom's loss. I never really said goodbye or grieved the loss of my mom, and I washed my hands of it and in not dealing with it, I replaced the love that rejected me with one that told oh we can have this wonderful life. I bought the lie. We are working on some of that in therapy, it was trauma followed by someone who said the right things. Actually my marriage is now improved, because we brought everything and anything that was missing out of the affair and into the marriage and we are better than ever. Let me say, I don't recommend that to improve a marriage.

 

 

 

Just remember who ever you may with you're equal with...you're not better than you OW & you yourself can't compare to your wife.

 

When my H started cutting down his ExOW it made me sick to my stomach bc to cut someone down means you think you're better, you're not better than that person if you were the other half of their situation.

 

I also realized I didn't want to live a lie anymore also but I couldn't cut down ExOM bc I knew that would not be me taking a 100% responsibility of my actions...& he wasn't married.

 

So no matter what your reasoning, keep your eyes opened. You at that point are no better than her & you hurt 2 women. Yes, she needs to own her own part for herself & that's not your concern but part of true reconciliation is knowing you're capable of being "that" person, no matter what you're reasoning was.

[gettingstronger]

You are a lucky man and it appears you are aware of that- keep on keeping on- best of luck to you both-

[Whoknew30]

*lay not may!

[gettingstronger]

I think he was comparing his wife and AP, and he feels in his wife is the better person. At least that's how I read it.

[Whoknew30]

I think he was comparing his wife and AP, and he feels in his wife is the better person. At least that's how I read it.

 

 

 

It's one thing to realize you don't like living a lie & to come clean & let your spouse know you feel bad what you've done to them...to say they weren't as good as my spouse...all I hear is " I ended the A bc they weren't as good as you"...my question to that is (& was) what if she had been? Did you come back bc you truly love me or did you pit us against each other as to "who's better".

 

I wouldn't have wanted my H back if that's what it was, I wanted him back bc he actually loved me & felt bad, not as second string...& saying I realized my AP is a downgrade just would have let me know, that he played both sides waiting to see who was better! Screw that!

[Midwestmissy]

I don't think he was saying his wife is better than, that he did a strict comparison. I think when he looked at the big picture, the ow was not someone he wanted to be with. When the fantasy becomes reality, it's not so nice. It's why telling other betrayed spouses is so effective. I told my wh to please go, and he was like "ew!! I could never have her under the same roof as my kids". Those things never crossed their minds because it kills the buzz. Once the sh*t gets real, a lot of cheaters want what they had risked. My wh mow has moved onto her next mm. In the fantasy, he was her world for a few months, he was the wolf of Wall Street (spoiler alert, he is not). She was never someone he wanted his friends to meet or his kids. She was embarrassing, so he just never thought about the comparison, it would have deflated his ego and whatever else was inflated....

[Whoknew30]

I don't think he was saying his wife is better than, that he did a strict comparison. I think when he looked at the big picture, the ow was not someone he wanted to be with. When the fantasy becomes reality, it's not so nice. It's why telling other betrayed spouses is so effective. I told my wh to please go, and he was like "ew!! I could never have her under the same roof as my kids". Those things never crossed their minds because it kills the buzz. Once the sh*t gets real, a lot of cheaters want what they had risked. My wh mow has moved onto her next mm. In the fantasy, he was her world for a few months, he was the wolf of Wall Street (spoiler alert, he is not). She was never someone he wanted his friends to meet or his kids. She was embarrassing, so he just never thought about the comparison, it would have deflated his ego and whatever else was inflated....

 

 

Like I said, it's one thing to realize you screwed up but he mentions God & then I A down...when you really feel bad about something you've done, you don't have to cut down another person (or shouldn't have to) to make yourself or anyone else feel better. IMO that isn't coming from a good place either.

 

I felt no need to down my ExOM bc he's a person, just like me & my H. He truly didn't matter in our reconciliation. I came back bc I realized was wrong, not bc he was some gross guy. When my H started speaking that way about his ExOW, he said that's what he thought I wanted to hear, I said no.

 

 

If my H was sleeping with someone he said was gross, I really wouldn't have wanted him bc if she was gross, then what is he for sleeping with her? & why do you or your H even know or care what ExOW is doing if reconciled? It doesn't matter. I'd be embarrassed that my H touched someone that was supposedly so "embarrassing".

[Midwestmissy]

But that's the point - it's not embarrassing during the affair. She probably feels the same about my wh. As for why we know, she finds ways to let us know. We live 1000 miles away from her but there are industry co workers unaware of the affair who chit chat about people, including her. He tells me as a way of being transparent, she's not a topic of conversation.

 

This wasn't a situation with two upstanding honest star crossed lovers facing the challenges of the world - this was 2 liars lying and deceiving to get what they wanted. Of course he thinks she's awful because he thinks he's awful. Because they both behaved in ways that embarrassed and disrespected themselves and their loved ones. If my wh didn't feel gross about every aspect of this, and I think a lot of cheaters do, then he'd have no problem doing it again. He doesn't make excuses for himself. They risked 2 marriages, 7 kids' futures and a business that made them the 2 breadwinners. I wasn't the only hurt person, ask my teenager who found emails and wrote college essays about the day his childhood ended. She was known to the family peripheraly, try telling teens not to be grossed out and humiliated by who their father is choosing to spend time with. So embarrassing and disgusting applies in this situation.

 

It's like dirty dancing on the bar all night and waking up mortified. It seemed so fun at the time, but all you do now is cringe. And when I was single, I had relationships with people I thought were embarrassing and not partner material, I'm sure a lot of people have.

[Ladyjane14]

Like I said, it's one thing to realize you screwed up but he mentions God & then I A down...when you really feel bad about something you've done, you don't have to cut down another person (or shouldn't have to) to make yourself or anyone else feel better. IMO that isn't coming from a good place either.

 

I felt no need to down my ExOM bc he's a person, just like me & my H. He truly didn't matter in our reconciliation. I came back bc I realized was wrong, not bc he was some gross guy. When my H started speaking that way about his ExOW, he said that's what he thought I wanted to hear, I said no.

 

 

If my H was sleeping with someone he said was gross, I really wouldn't have wanted him bc if she was gross, then what is he for sleeping with her? & why do you or your H even know or care what ExOW is doing if reconciled? It doesn't matter. I'd be embarrassed that my H touched someone that was supposedly so "embarrassing".

 

"All cats are gray in the dark"

 

Men tend to be better equipped to compartmentalize sex. So yeah, they can "affair down" easily enough. A simple rationalization like, "she's a nice person" is plenty to get the job done.

 

When the realization strikes that no, she's NOT a very nice person, and meanwhile back at the ranch, he's pretty much thrown away everything he cares about and everything he's built... a smart man will ask himself how and why. It looks like that's what the OP has done here. He's apparently gotten into some therapy and started exploring what was going on inside that allowed such a glamour to be pulled over his eyes.

 

Not saying that men aren't typically flush with the chemical reaction of infatuation/sex while the affair is active. But once it's removed, they can 'about-face' with amazing agility, like flipping a light switch. Often enough, when they do, they find themselves genuinely appalled by the former AP.

[gettingstronger]

It doesn't really matter what any one else thinks-in his mind, he affaired down-maybe that is how he owns it- admitting to himself that he risked a good woman for one he does not feel was a a good woman-

 

I think for my husband, when dday hit-he saw himself and the affair for what it was-lies and betrayal- so he views himself and our OW as people capable of terrible deceit- not something he wanted to be or valued-

[Whoknew30]

It doesn't really matter what any one else thinks-in his mind, he affaired down-maybe that is how he owns it- admitting to himself that he risked a good woman for one he does not feel was a a good woman-

 

I think for my husband, when dday hit-he saw himself and the affair for what it was-lies and betrayal- so he views himself and our OW as people capable of terrible deceit- not something he wanted to be or valued-

 

He shouldn't view her as anything more than someone he brought into his own life. I think BS sometimes forget all the lies the WS really told to their AP...you won't know every conversation bc the BS wasn't there. I think men start talking down about the OW (most of the time) bc they think that's going to make their wife feel better...think about it, what man unless leaving is going to tell his wife 100% truth of how he felt for another woman of they don't want a divorce.

[Whoknew30]

"All cats are gray in the dark"

 

Men tend to be better equipped to compartmentalize sex. So yeah, they can "affair down" easily enough. A simple rationalization like, "she's a nice person" is plenty to get the job done.

 

When the realization strikes that no, she's NOT a very nice person, and meanwhile back at the ranch, he's pretty much thrown away everything he cares about and everything he's built... a smart man will ask himself how and why. It looks like that's what the OP has done here. He's apparently gotten into some therapy and started exploring what was going on inside that allowed such a glamour to be pulled over his eyes.

 

Not saying that men aren't typically flush with the chemical reaction of infatuation/sex while the affair is active. But once it's removed, they can 'about-face' with amazing agility, like flipping a light switch. Often enough, when they do, they find themselves genuinely appalled by the former AP.

 

 

What I've seen it changes when realization of having to pay up & not seeing their kids everyday, all of sudden the OW is this or that. Most men that have A are sissies, they have a problem with confrontation & communication, so they panic & know most BW are insecure once DDay comes & they start the "she didn't mean anything, I now see who she really is &'yada, yada, yada.

 

There's a cheating H 101 guide book for what to say i think. What I find kind of sad, is how many BW fall for this. What do you think a caught man is going to say? Really? She wasn't really a bad person? Most woman wouldn't be able to handle that, thats why when I heard my H start that, I stopped it. His OW wasn't some horrible person, no worse than him.

 

 

The amount of men in my family, my H friends tell me everything (I've known them since young) & at work...it's literally all together about 100 different men I know that have cheated some how & not once did I hear any of those men ever bad mouth the OW (unless she pulled real crazy stuff) they maybe not love them but that doesn't mean they look down. I'm telling you that's for the wives benefit.

 

Men don't go having sex multiple times with someone they don't like & men not mixing emotion with sex, unlike women. Let's me know even further they knew exactly what & who they were doing.

 

Those women turn not nice when they realize how much married man was lying & yeah men run back home bc no guy wants to fight with a woman he's not married to...once it turns real he gets out bc he already realizes he already has a wife he can fight with thats legally entitled to his finances. It's all about weighing out what works better for him in the end.

[Whoknew30]

But that's the point - it's not embarrassing during the affair. She probably feels the same about my wh. As for why we know, she finds ways to let us know. We live 1000 miles away from her but there are industry co workers unaware of the affair who chit chat about people, including her. He tells me as a way of being transparent, she's not a topic of conversation.

 

This wasn't a situation with two upstanding honest star crossed lovers facing the challenges of the world - this was 2 liars lying and deceiving to get what they wanted. Of course he thinks she's awful because he thinks he's awful. Because they both behaved in ways that embarrassed and disrespected themselves and their loved ones. If my wh didn't feel gross about every aspect of this, and I think a lot of cheaters do, then he'd have no problem doing it again. He doesn't make excuses for himself. They risked 2 marriages, 7 kids' futures and a business that made them the 2 breadwinners. I wasn't the only hurt person, ask my teenager who found emails and wrote college essays about the day his childhood ended. She was known to the family peripheraly, try telling teens not to be grossed out and humiliated by who their father is choosing to spend time with. So embarrassing and disgusting applies in this situation.

 

It's like dirty dancing on the bar all night and waking up mortified. It seemed so fun at the time, but all you do now is cringe. And when I was single, I had relationships with people I thought were embarrassing and not partner material, I'm sure a lot of people have.

 

 

Except you're drunk in a bar. You're not drunk having sex over & over again with the same person. Like I said BW can believe what they want. When a man feels the need to cut down a woman he has slept with multiple times, he hasn't learned anything. He just really knows how to play it.

 

I grew up around it, since a little girl. I've been around the game literally my whole life, there isn't anything I haven't seen or a man that I can't read his character quickly. Do some men truly regret it...of course but the ones that I heard that truly regret it, they don't talk about the OW at all, they just focus on what they've done. When a man takes 100% responsibility for something they talk about themselves & their actions...they don't bring anyone else down with them. That's how you know a man has taken real responsibility. He owns his mistake like a man, not like a boy. Boy's down a woman they slept with. Not a man.

[66Charger]

Regardless what most OW want to believe, they are less than the wife. Why, , because Male 101 states there are those you f% k and those you marry and rarely are they the same. As romantic as you may wish it to be, 90% of the time, all you are is just a vagina. Thats the harsh truth. This isnt 100% but it is close.

 

When you really think about it, the home, the smile of the wife, the children growing up(with you) Holidays together, fighting and making up, building things together and making it thru are what makes the marriage.

 

Compare that to a couple hours a week. For the majority, once the affair is out, the devastation hits. Losing it all will really make you realize, what is what. Its not about the OW the person, its about all the affair is versus all the marriage should be. If the AP is someone you would not marry and raise children with, how can that be someone equal to your spouse?

 

That, by my definition, is affairing down.

[Whoknew30]

Regardless what most OW want to believe, they are less than the wife. Why, , because Male 101 states there are those you f% k and those you marry and rarely are they the same. As romantic as you may wish it to be, 90% of the time, all you are is just a vagina. Thats the harsh truth. This isnt 100% but it is close.

 

When you really think about it, the home, the smile of the wife, the children growing up(with you) Holidays together, fighting and making up, building things together and making it thru are what makes the marriage.

 

Compare that to a couple hours a week. For the majority, once the affair is out, the devastation hits. Losing it all will really make you realize, what is what. Its not about the OW the person, its about all the affair is versus all the marriage should be. If the AP is someone you would not marry and raise children with, how can that be someone equal to your spouse?

 

That, by my definition, is affairing down.

 

 

The reality is that's all a 100% fault of the spouse that cheated. No one (including AP) put a gun to your head. You own that, it's all on you. I didn't A down, I just plane screwed up & handle our marital problems the wrong way.

 

It's not your marriage pitted against affair...it's what was wrong with the WS or problems in the marriage that you chose to handle it this way. One steps out of the marriage bc of themselves, not the AP. After day one of MC our AP weren't even brought up again bc they had nothing to do with our marriage, it was us that screed it up...not our A partners.

 

If a WS feels gross, it's bc of their own actions...has nothing to do with their AP..

[Liam1]

Thad to make the decision on my own. Realized what I had, and what I had been crapping all over and quite frankly, the OW didn't and couldn't ever measure up to my wife. We always affair down don't we or at least I thought I had seen that and it is true. I will never be a WS as long as I live it is miserable.

 

What started it was (according to my counselor) a lack of self worth, self doubt, my mother passed away and left me with nothing, I wasn't even mentioned in her will and I clung to the OW as a replacement for the my mom's loss. I never really said goodbye or grieved the loss of my mom, and I washed my hands of it and in not dealing with it, I replaced the love that rejected me with one that told oh we can have this wonderful life. I bought the lie. We are working on some of that in therapy, it was trauma followed by someone who said the right things. Actually my marriage is now improved, because we brought everything and anything that was missing out of the affair and into the marriage and we are better than ever. Let me say, I don't recommend that to improve a marriage.

 

All good points.

 

In my opinion, the MAJORITY of men who have affairs, are just in it to prove something to themselves and to have sex. I never told the OW that I loved her, but I think some men may in the heat of passion.

 

IMO, what they really mean is that they love how the affair makes them feel in that moment. After reality sinks in and the newness of the sex wears off, that's when they start to feel like crap.

 

Well of course I got a text from yet another app calling me an *******, and my wife was dumber than dog ****, that was just the preview.

 

Sigh, why does it seem that the OWs are almost always in competition with the wife. I see it here on his forum.

 

I rarely see married men posting those types of feelings. I have on occasion seen a single man dating a MOW, say those things, but few MOM.

 

I never even wanted to think about the husband of my OW. In my mind it was just a given that he would come first in her life, and the affair was just about sex.

[Liam1]

" I ended the A bc they weren't as good as you"...my question to that is (& was) what if she had been? Did you come back bc you truly love me or did you pit us against each other as to "who's better".

 

I wouldn't have wanted my H back if that's what it was, I wanted him back bc he actually loved me & felt bad, not as second string...& saying I realized my AP is a downgrade just would have let me know, that he played both sides waiting to see who was better! Screw that!

 

Whoknew:

 

This is from my own perspective and experience only:

 

I agreed to have an affair with my OW only because she was pushy about it, eager and available. That's the only reason.

 

The OW was definitely in my case inferior to my wife in looks, personality, intellect, etc, but even if she had been superior to my wife. I was still in love with my wife and had no intention of leaving her. .....ever.....for anyone.

 

I had been approached by women wanting affairs for years, and always turned them down. The OW just got me at a stupidly weak moment.

 

Personally, all but a handful of the women who hinted that they wanted an affair were superior to my wife in looks or intellect. All were inferior in the morality department, just like I was.